I don't come out to post that often but after reading some more about what the OW goes through, I seriously pity some of those women.

She is lied to (as are BW) told H and W no longer have sex anymore, "I love her but not IN love with her", I can't leave W because of the kids and family, "We have an understanding" etc etc ALL this is said for the sole purpose of getting her to screw him. MOST affairs are just for SEX, these women mean NOTHING emotionally to the H and they are merely a distraction for the boredom that MOST ALL relationships experience at some point, that isn't an excuse to have an A. Even IF the H left to be with OW he would cheat on HER too after some time has passed and the excitement wears off, he realizes that this woman is NOT all she is cracked up to be. It amazed me that marriage means NOTHING to these women and yet they want the MM to leave W and kids and marry them???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> HEELLOO?? You stupid idiot, you are being USED and you are ENJOYING it, they are pathetic! W's shouldn't fear these women, we should pity them for their low self-esteems, selfishness, cowards, laziness etc.

The OW claim that it's NOT just about sex yet the first thing they mention about the W's was that she wears "Granny Panties" instead of thong (I happen to wear thong and always have <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) underwear and won't give her H's BJ's anymore. THAT just PROVES that the ONLY thing she is providing them is SEX. OW are nothing more than unpaid HOOKERS! So then when H won't leave they get pregnant to trap him into being apart of their lives. OW use innocent babies to manipulate the H and try to keep him in her life. SHE isn't thinking of the consequences to her OWN child, that they won't have a Dad in their lives and then they CRY for justice for their babies when they KNEW ALL along this was the life they were giving that child. I FEEL SO much the children of these women who obviously didn't care enough about themselves and even LESS about the lives they would provide for their children! Some even have MORE than ONE OC or ALL of their Children have different Fathers and YET they BLAME US and H's for that!!!???!!! I know MOST of them live in a trailer park but do they live under a rock as well, that they don't KNOW what birth control is?? They DO know, they just DON'T care! Then they are pissed that H won't be there for her or that baby? This isn't SHOCK people, you KNEW this is what would happen, so quit your complaining about NC and realize the PERSON who decided to have illegitimate children with out Fathers involved was YOU!!! WE/BW didn't knock you up, yes, our H's did! BUT that was NOT their intention and YOU know it!!

I 110% sure that it HURTS like hell that the man you loved or thought you loved NEVER loved you and doesn't love your child either. Why do OW think that H's feel guilty about leaving a child they never wanted to begin with. OW are the ones who should feel guilty KNOWING the life they were giving that child. A child CAN and DOES grow up just fine in a loving ONE parent household but the OW are so busy trying to get H back into their lives or getting another man, ANY man into their bed. They say its NOT about the money but then they get upset that WE get our CS first or keep the house in our names only. SO which is it?? IT IS about money to them. YES the OC deserves CS, no dispute on that but it shouldn't be any more than the existing children get, like HER child is MORE important or something?

ALL new BW, PLEASE listen to me. YES you MOST definitely CAN have a better, stronger marriage but it will not be easy and it WILL take a lot of time. GET yourselves to a lawyer, protect yourselves and your FAMILY from these women. Get assets in YOUR name only, NO OTHER WOMAN should be able to sponge off what you and your H created over the years!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I got my CS in first and BOY did that KILL the OW when she went to court!! HA! The house/cars/boat/stocks are ALL in MY name only, she can't touch ONE! THIS in NOT about denying the OC CS it is about PROTECTING what you worked for! Remember this is the LIFE OW CHOOSE to provide their children when they get pregnant by a MM. YOU owe her child NOTHING, DO NOT feel guilty for having not have contact! IF you choose contact and it works that is GREAT but if you don't want or can't handle it then DON'T do it. YOU would actually hurt that innocent child more in the end if you "pretended" then letting them move on and have their own lives. These women (use the term loosely) did this to YOU on purpose! NAME ONE just ONE H who went out there to purposely have a BABY with the OW and WANTED a baby with his OW.

It KILLS these women that we have a SAY and some POWER, that we're not just some little meek wife who will look the other way. DON'T let them play games with you or your family. We mean MORE to our H's than the OW did, if we didn't he WOULD leave, kids or not!! PERIOD!! REMEMBER that if OW was the one your H WANTED he would BE with her, no religion, no kids, nothing would stop him! He WANTS you, he made a horrible mistake (that what the OW/OC are, A MISTAKE), let him make it up to you, open the lines of communication again, laugh again, love again! THIS MESS IS FIXABLE, don't let the OW use the OC against you or your H. Best wishes! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> NAME ONE just ONE H who went out there to purposely have a BABY with the OW and WANTED a baby with his OW.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Xmm and I actually planned our daughter. When things went sour between us and I ended the affair, HE took me to court. When I got pregnant with our seconcd child (holding my head in shame), HE was thrilled. HE was the one running around telling everyone. HE is the one that did what he could to get things from me. Right now the kids are 5 & 2, XMM has regular contact with them. He pays child support on his own free will. In fact my H is considered the legal father.

I've have always admitted my part in the affair. On how wrong affairs are. I've never given an excuse for what I have done. And no I'm not kissing anyones [censored] here. This is just how I feel.

I've learned to that the term mistake isn't fesiable for all. I like to say I made a bad choice in the past. The thing with all, WS-OW, is if you've learned from your bad mistakes.

Its takin alot for me to learn not to generalize myself with all the talk about the OW. I think alot need to realize that not all OW are the same, not all MM are the same and not all BW are the same.

quote:
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NAME ONE just ONE H who went out there to purposely have a BABY with the OW and WANTED a baby with his OW.

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I thought I was the only one who could name one, guess not, my H & OW planned to have OC, H says is was a mistake, but I could not have any children & H decided he wanted one during his A, asked me to have TR (tubal reversal), which I was in the process of arranging in late 2002, in Jan. 2003 OW gets pg. - no one tells me of course.

I know H lied to OW about our sex lives, but he never told her he didn't love me or would D me. She told me that herself. So I know that he is with me because he wants to be, we have no children so it is all about me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Since reading here I do try not to judge all OW as the same, they are not. The one in my life however is the typical stupid, unpaid prostitute, who already has 2 other children, whose daddy is in jail, who is on public assistance & still thinks the oldest trick in the book will get her a H, one small glitch in this one's plan though - this H already has a W & doesn't want a D!

So no, I am not afraid of her in the least I have talked to the silly little girl in person & on the phone & I do feel sorry for her, all she can do now is use OC to keep H in her life & wait to find another "victim" & try her tricks on him. Once she finally gets a clue that H is not going to be with her! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Not to confuse you --this is full house speaking--
my A was not all about sex, we did everything together, it was a friendship gone wrong,,and i am not making any excuses for any of it. i never wanted him to leave his family and i never wanted to leave mine. because of wrong choices i did end up with a daughter that he did want. i wish he would choose nc, my husband makes a wonderful father and she loves him. but because i made wrong choices our lives are more complicated. i do wish that my om was like alot of you and your choice of nc and i never wanted cs, so it was never about money or taking anyones assets, i could care less if she was written out of any will, she has what me and my husband have to give her and that is plenty. to show what a dad my om is , my daughter has been ill since monday night with the stomach flu, thought she was better tuesday, but started to get sick again at the sitters wednesday. i had already taken off tuesday (no sick days at my work, so you dont work you dont get paid) so the sitter called om to see if he could come pick her up, of course he said to call me, i took time off and got her. never wants to deal with a sick child, tonite was suppose to be his visitation, of course he cancelled, wants to reschedule on a well day...like always, but complains if he feels he doesnt get enough time. my husband loves her sick or not (even when she drenched him in yucky throw up stuff,,,,ick) and then lovingly cleaned her and him up.....sorry i am rambling, not all women are like you say, some made a once in a life time mistake and like everyone they hurt in this situation will have to live and deal with the outcome to the best of their ability. I am sorry for those that have to deal with out of control people who are living in their own foggy world. but i dont think i belong there with them, i know what i did was wrong and accept it.

HEY HEY HEY HEY I am supposed to be the resident beyatch on here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Just kidding.

I agree with tons of what you have said. I hardly fear any ow, but pity? Never. I pity their children, for the life they chose for them. I pity MY children more though.

Personally, I couldn't possibly care less about ow and their self-induced single motherhood. They asked for it. In this age, there is no such thing as an accident. No matter what they say, I mean even a condom is over 90% effective. They chose this, they should suffer the consquences.

I also found great delight in slapping her greedy hand when she had it out. Lord how that woman used to whine. She actually thought her child should have the same advantages as ours? What is she insane? WE worked for our success. HER child will get the minimal amount of support according to the law, and nothing more. And she called it unfair?

The best way to deal with an ow with oc is with a laywer. A lein against her property and some harrassment charges shuts them up quick and lets you live your life as you chose.

I dont think you should pity any woman for her choices. I made mine all by myself, and accept them fully.

my child has every thing she could possibly want or need and My husband and myself provide most of that for her. it isnt about money, I dont need money. She is loved by my self , my husband OM and his wife. She has siblings his and mine that love her very much.

Pity is not something I want or need, I am happy in my life and we have recovered from this , we will continue to grow stronger.

And like it or not I didnt chose to be pregnant, I was foolish and after many years was convinced I was safe. However once pregnant, I had a responsibility to my child. After all I had no one to blame but me, just as om had no one to blame but him self. I pray all can get past the hurt and confusion this causes. but it can and does happen. We have been blessed our children and his adult children are very accepting and love their baby sister. They are all proud of her evertime she learns something new. Or does something adorable. it is not a struggle for them to love her.

I personaly never asked for contact with om for my child, My husband and I were content to raise her ourselves, however I do respect his right to want to and work with him to ensure she is safe and happy. because if she is with him or me, safe and happy is what I want for her.

I know om has her named in his will, However I have told him many times it is not needed. she has every thing she could want and she will be well cared for if something happens to us.


I dont think you should stress or worry about ow, or ex other women(I dont think pity is worth your energy} focus on you and your spouse. , Most just have a need to care for the children they helped create and are not out to make you miserable.

I think the best thing to recover is take your focus and anger away from the ow, because it really isnt helping you, and it is not hurting her. Spend your time and energy making your marriage they way you want it.

Many people recover from this and I believe most can make it a better stronger marriage because of it.

<small>[ March 25, 2004, 05:54 AM: Message edited by: mom of five ]</small>

sorry, I got a little off topic so I moved my thread jack to a whole new one 4 FH.

Sometimes I pity OW as a "single mom". Despite what "typical" OW think, I do know how that is. I think some OW forget that many BS and H really do separate upon first finding out. At least I know H and I did.

I was a SAHM and then I went straight to work, not knowing what was going to happen to my marriage & me and BC. All I knew @ the time was that I could not depend on my H.

SO anyway. Mostly I feel compassion for her also as a woman who, although a poor choice, still must have thought she was in love w/ my H at some time. BUT then when I think about the continuous(having another fatherless child) poor choices OW has made, it gets harder to feel anything but frustration towards her. Even more when she literally refuses to take responsibility for ANYTHING in her life, everything always happens TO her.

Then, when OW tries to get off topic (OC) and starts to dredge up the past, I feel like saying, "Enough already, if I can get past this and allow OC in MY life, then come on! Go get your own therapist to deal with YOUR issues."

So life is just better when I try not to think about her @ all and focus on my BC and then OC when she is w/ us-I try to focus on OC separately from her mother.

I try.

<small>[ March 25, 2004, 08:14 PM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>

I will never pity the OW in my H life. She knew full well he was M and has 2 small children at home. She knew full well that the actions of this A would hurt innocent people. Now there is another innocent person to get hurt - OC. That is who I pity. I pity any child raised by a mother with no morals and respect for other. Yes, I had problems with my marriage. Yes, my H made the choice to have an A, which I will not excuse. But what right does OW have to step in and sleep with H. Just because the offer is made, you don't have to make the choice to be a willing participate in breaking up a family. She knew the consequences of her actions, but chose to do it anyway. I will never, ever pity her.


Kris

I neither fear nor pity the ex-ow in my H's case.
She e-mailed me and told me she purposely got herself pregnant as and I quote her, "if I can't have him, I'll have a piece of him forever."

She couldn't take care of her own child, yet alone make the child support payments she owed to the father of her first child (who has custody).

I don't pity her. I look at my children who don't see their father much because he has to work double shifts to make his child support obligation due to an unfair court system in our state. I see my children eating ramon noodles at the end of the month due to having less because of an unfair court system.

My husband made his bed and he has to lie in it...to me it seems that the ex-ow in our case has it easy now...she is now married, has a child with her new hubby and collects money from us...and gets health insurance for the child...what more could you ask for and she has the knowledge that she seriously tested our marriage and didn't win.

No pity on my part. Especially for a selfish woman and a stupid man.(yes...my husband is a selfish and stupid man who regrets every day that he hurt me and our children....his wasn't a long-term affair, but a drunk missing you screw initiated by ex-ow who used to be a booty call for my hubby)I hate stupid selfish people.

Twiisty

I never feared OW even when she was acting like a looney, slashing tires! LOL!! Actually I was happy she slashed all of H's truck tires cause our bank accounts were still seperate and no skin off my nose--she cost HIS butt, not mine- SHE DID THAT FOR ME TOO!!! HA!!!!

I do pity her in a way. The fact that I do kinda pity the girl, and because of the fact that H broke if off before we reconciled and I have no insecurity regarding her, is the reason I could someday have C w/OC if I stay married to H. When I talked to her during our one conversation,it was like trying to talk and reason w/my 14 year old... she was so immature and young and unreasonable... she is 22 years old and has not a clue--- to go against her I would have to be a HUGE bully- she couldn't outwit me or out-do any of the antics that I had up my sleeve.....BUT God judges and punishes, not me-- so I denied the red hot tempered Italian in me and let her live! ha <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I do feel bad for her in the sense that she had such little self esteeem. Just as a MM is messed up for cheating... the OW is just as screwed up and lacking fundamental values and/or self esteem. Falling in love with any human being is natural and CAN EASILY happen! A ONS can also happen and be a mistake. Long term A's are really saying something for OW's esteem and moral foundation. I do agree that women have a little more pressure on them to deny the urge to allow a man to use them, etc... thats our role as women unfortunately, to stay in control moreso than a man (sorry guys), a role that I step up to and feel good about! Besides.... I LOVE to be a mystery, hard to get, not let someone partake in me and another woman (KNOWINGLY!!)

OW in my case KNEW AND ACCEPTED that H was stifll in love w/me and he told her all the time. He always did the right after guilt thing where he said "this is wrong... I can't see you again..don't call me... I love my wife and I want to make my M work...." Thats why H told her that she better stop her crap because, and she agreed, SHE KNEW this was what he really wanted- and she cared not. She also tried to talk crap in his ear about how much better she would be for him (what a hoot, little girl...) !!!

So... I am rambling....as usual.. BUT

if she were to come to me and say she was sorry for her involvment.... or be a kind or sincere person, I would most likely out of pity and just because of my humanitarian nature.... be powerless over someone who has changed or knows they were wrong. I am so soft inside and I give people lots of chances and forgiveness because I have been given that gift in my life so many times.

BUT...... this won't happen most likely... we will see !! For now H wants nothing to do w/oc and will not discuss it further with me- he says drop it, I have no other child. I can't force him to do anything, just like I couldn't force him to be faithful, obviously!!

Do I fear OW? No. Did I? No…
Do I pity her? I guess I am beginning to.

OW in our case has had 3 children.
The first she mercifully gave up for adoption. His bio-father stepped in and took custody of him. OW has not seen him since.
2nd child was removed from her custody because she failed to protect him from physical abuse by her exBF… Her mother and grandmother share custody of him and OW sees him daily.
3rd child is Lil Bit. OW gave Primary Custody of her to H and myself.
Now, Lil Bit calls me Mommy and OW, MommyOW…

I feel pity for OW in that she doesn’t know how much she is potentially missing in not having her children full-time. I know that I cherish every new cute thing that Lil Bit says… Every new accomplishment. I remember, and have documented in digital visual format in cyberspace, the first time she crawled.
I feel pity for OW in knowing that Lil Bit doesn’t mention her very often.

I DO NOT feel pity for her in the respect that she CHOSE it to be this way.
The OW knew that H loved me and was not leaving me. She knew what she was doing when she got pg. She had done it twice before. She knew she was taking on the role of Single Mother…

Stacia

All I have to say is Thank GOD my H did not get OW pregnant! I NEVER pitied OW...She went after my H because of his status. I will NEVER pity her...I will NEVER be afraid of her. She knew full well he was married, unhappily maybe, but he IS married and has three young boys at home. She knows how much he makes and where he lives. She saw nothing but $$$$ signs in her eyes. This woman went after my H for over a year until he stepped over the line. He regrets it from day one. The A ended TODAY! Yes, TODAY. I trust my H though that he will not go back to her. She is trash and he knows it. He is finally seeing the light. He finally admitted to me this morning that SHE went after HIM, not the other way around. SHE made herself available to him. He even asked her one day "why are you wearing makeup all the sudden and so much jewelry to work" he was completley obvlivious to it. We came back from Disney World on Jan 7 and he went into work on Jan8...she said to him "I am so glad you are back, I MISSED YOU"...this was before the A even started! EXCUSE ME!!!!

I also think you should move this thread over into the General Questions area.

ok Let me rephrase that. I don't PITY OW for being OW, I sometimes feel sorry for her that she is a single mom.

Yes, she also KNEW H was MARRIED and chose to have sex w/ him anyway. (just like H knew)And she CHOSE to be a single mom , not once but TWICE.

If it's pity, it's in the sense of being a poor, pathetic, pitiful soul with no back bone to take responsibility for yourself. So how can she ever change if it has never been her fault? That is sad that she can never change because she has never done anything wrong!

That's MY OW, I am referring to.

I don't feel sorry for anything that OW chose to do. If she chose it, it's because that's what she wanted, so how can you pity that?

I don't think I feared other woman, but feared the unknown. I wondered what was she like, what was it about her that my H liked. Why was this hapenning to me? OW is pregnant and it hurts to the fullest. H and I have two small children and I really don;t know how we are going to get past this.

I do not believe in outside children ( out of the marriage). I have never felt good about the situation and now I am faced with it myself. Should I be NO - H-NO!! What do you do I don't necessarily want my kids calling them brother or sister. I don't even want them around OC. That causes to many problems. My kids should not have to deal with this and neither should I for that matter.

So I was afraid of the situation but never the woman. Now I am fearful of what to do next.
But fear will get me no where. I don't think that I will ever accept this. So I may as well call it Quits!

JT2 - please don't make any rash decisions. You are just finding out about OC right? Give it time and read all you can on this site. I am not really one to give much advice right now as my H was still actively involved in A as of Monday, but I do love my H and if there is a chance that my M can survive, I am willing to try. Give it a chance and at least see where things go. If it doesn't work out, then at least you know you made an effort. Then you won't have any regrets later. Remember, "for better, for worse" - it surely cannot get much worse right.

I'll be praying for you,
Kris

I would never pity the OW woman. She knew full well what she was doing and that WS was unavailable. In fact I have never had more hatred or contempt for anyone in my life. She's married and 2 kids of her own she can't take care of. She pulled the pregnancy thing twice. Everytime WS wanted to come back she's pregnant. First time she misscarried and blamed me. (I avoided her like the plague she is). I
know she was with other guys besides WS and got pregnant on purpose. Told WS if he left he'd never see his f***** kid again. Now he's so happy. Whatever. He won't get a DNA test because he's so sure it's his. Feel sorry for her? I'm the one that lost everything while she's playing house with my man. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />