I transferred my post from teh other thread so I wouldn't thread jack any one or anything. So if you're around, I appreciate your input.

BY FULLHOUSE:to show what a dad my om is , my daughter has been ill since monday night with the stomach flu, thought she was better tuesday, but started to get sick again at the sitters wednesday. i had already taken off tuesday (no sick days at my work, so you dont work you dont get paid) so the sitter called om to see if he could come pick her up, of course he said to call me, i took time off and got her. never wants to deal with a sick child, tonite was suppose to be his visitation, of course he cancelled, wants to reschedule on a well day...like always, but complains if he feels he doesnt get enough time.
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Just to show how different everyone is.....when OC is sick, OW uses that as an excuse to try and deny visitation. Last time the school called that OC had a "fever", it was "our" time but naturally they called OW, then OW called to let us know and to ask that we leave OC w/ OW!!!! OW said OC "needed" her mother, but OW had not even p/u OC yet to see what was really wrong w/ her. AND OW NEVER allows us to make up that time in any way. I guess OW thinks my H (or I) cannot or do not know how to care for a sick child. We always take OC no matter what! And OW does not like it. BTW, OC may have had a fever that day but she was totally fine the rest of her time w/ us.
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Actually OC has been "suffering" from unexplained fevers lately. I am wondering if this is a NEW "symptom" of OC "emotional instability".
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OW (seems to) accuses us of not caring for OC properly in some way that causes the fever BUT this last weekend, (OW's time) OC had a fever ALL weekend but was energetic but had another fever on Mon. so OW kept her home from school. I think OW will say OC started to not be well since returning from our home last Thursday. Well, actually OW DID alude to that by saying OC came home and was very tired Thursday evening. (we drop OC off @ school Thurs. morning)


I am interested in your POV FH, on some things, just OC related, coming from OC actual mother.

what would you like to know?
From what i have read, sounds like your a very caring mom. i know that my om would never take his daughter when she is sick and wouldnt even think of taking off work to help out, that he has shown quite a few times, yet he says how much he wants to get to know her and be a part of her family, it makes me wonder if its all talk and if it is, why doesnt he just let go and cut the ties now while she is young, instead of waiting till shes older, cause i just have this feeling that he is just gonna dump her someday when all this gets to be too much for him

My H probably would not take off work either (regardless if it was BC or OC) since he is the main "breadwinner", but he has many weekdays off so he is more available in that aspect too.

Since I am on my H side and from the perspective of "father's rights" here, I have to remind myself what I would do/want as a MOTHER for my child.

Our sit. is different since C was established when OC was older (4 1/2 yo now 6 yo). I feel NC was a mutual decision by both OW and H. I know OW sees it deifferently.

When OW told H of pg, it was like ok now would be the time to leave your W, and obviously H did not want to do that--neither ever to be seen or heard from again......until.......When I was told about OC, (when OW legally contacted H to change OC name) H did offer to "take responsibility" in whatever way OW needed or wanted. OW declined and H did not pursue anything so...that's why I feel it was "mutual".

Any way, that was just for background info.

I know it will also be different since grace is younger, but when she says she doesn't want to go to OM house, do you think it is because she doesn't like it over there, doesn't want to see OF (other family) or because she just doesn't want to leave you and pops?

I don't know if you would have any insight into this but.......OW has said (in the past) that OC would "meltdown" after coming home from being w/ us for long periods of time (spending the night 2 or more nights). We have a nuetral transitional drop off/pick up place--school. So when we drop off OC it is @ school in the morning, OW takes her to daycare afterschool (most days as far as I know) then home around 6pm, "home", many nights is @ grandparents home.

OW says OC goes through specific "stages". OC has NEVER acted like this w/ us. I don't know if it is because of us or not but I do think it may be true that OC would show more "honest" feeling and emotions w/ mom.

During this time also Ow said OC was (all of sudden)having nightmares and wetting the bed, OW says it is because OC was spending too much time w/ us.(BUT having nothing to do,of course, that OW moved OC out of the "only home she had ever known": grandparents, & started all day daycare, @ the same time!) That has since stopped (also only wet the bed 1x or 2x in our home)but meltdowns were continuing, I don't know if they still are now or not, I don't think so though.

But then now these "fevers" are starting....It just makes me wonder if this is all stress related and why?

Also OC has asthma. OW considers it "severe", we do not, not from what we have seen but.....whatever. So...OC also seems to have asthma flare-ups while w/ OW. But not w/ us.

Even going so far as to have OC wear those surgical type masks to "keep out the cold air". (we're in So. CA)OC never requests to wear it w/ us. It's as if we are talking about 2 different children sometimes. OW says OC can't run or laugh w/o having a coughing attack......wants to remove OC from once a week PE class (only in K) but w/ us OC acts like any other kid and runs amuck w/ BC in the back yard.

I know you are not a Dr. but as a mother.....a different perspective. Are we underreacting or ignoring things or is OW over-protective.

This part is so wierd (the health issues).

OW attitude seems to be one of only OW is the expert on OC, like OW is the ONLY parent. I can understand, at first, because we did not know OC but now......I'm good @ reading people and I had them both summed up pretty accurately when we all first met!

I don't know, it's like OW attitude that H can't take care of and provide OC w/ the proper care when OC is sick, kind of stuff. Always, OC NEEDS her mother, with no regard to OC ever needing a father.

I know you won't have all the answers but......mother to step-mother (since you have been/are both, well I guess I am too now but since you have to give up part of your "oc" sometimes is what I meant)..opinions are appreciated.

Thanks for reading anyway. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

KT

From what you have read, it seems some of the problems your OC is having stems from the differnt routine. If she is now having problems bedwetting/nightmare it could be from daycare now. If she wasn't having any of these problems when the visits started and have now started when OW changed living arrangments & now daycare I would doubt its due to anything happening in your household. Sounds like OW is grasping at strings to try and make you guys look bad.

Xmm takes the kids one day a week. I haven't had to deal with his W, she hates having the kids around and leaves during visits. He picks the kids up and drops them off. As for kids acting up after visits, I've had no problems.

OW said bedwetting and nightmares started @ the same time overnights w/ us started, also the same time as OW moving and OC starting daycare. OW did not tell us about this, only said OC was "stressed out" & "moody". OW told my H during mediation, months later, to defend her arguement for wanting H to spend LESS time w/ OC.

Those symptoms have since stopped but the meltdowns were still going on but I don't think they are anymore.

But now I have been noticing a pattern w/ the asthma for some time now and the last couple of weeks, the fevers. The fevers and asthma flare-ups could just be related to allergies I think. But of course, somehow we are to blame from OW POV.

When we went to the cabin, in the beginning of the month....OW said OC told her that OC was cold all night and coughing all night (while @ the cabin)and when OW picked her up from school (after returning from us dropping OC off that morning) that OC had been coughing non-stop, asthma flare-up.

Knowing OC sensitivity to cold <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I made extra sure that there was no room to be cold(made OC sleep in sweats w/ thermals under), had the heater up to 80 and the fireplace on all night and OC never coughed until we returned to a heat-wave back home. Something OW wouldn't know, just knew we were in the "snow"!

Anyway, I think whatever is ever wrong w/ OC, Ow will blame on us and it will be just because of the fact that we are IN OC life.

I don't expect OC to like us more or anything, I know that no mother can ever be replaced in a child's heart. I'm not trying to be or replace OC mom, I have enough of my own ktbunch to worry about. Maybe that is just OW insecurity.

The counselor we all went to did p/u on the fact and point out that OW puts a lot of pressure on OC to take care of OW, to take care of and meet OW emotional needs. I forgot to mention that the counselor minimized OC "emotional instability symptoms" (bedwetting & nightmares)and actually never brought them up. That is why we were there (according to OW), we thought we were going as a mediation between OW and us for visitation. Well, that is what the counselor did end up doing, never spoke to OC at all.

uhoh----gotta run---survivor time------yes we are survivor junkies....oh no! basketball??? Dangit...that means it WAS on yesterday and I missed it!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

uh.....does anyone know who got voted out? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Pops has taken off work for the kids many times. You see om has the same job as I do and there are alot of times you dont work in the middle of the day -- so he has the ability to help out (and Id say his wife is the bread winner in his family)

Its hard to know or understand sometimes how a two year old feels. Because of her age and the visitations have been only six months, she probably feels more comfortable at home--but she loves going to her sisters house--I just hope its a time thing--and nothing to worry about, I worry about everything when it comes to my kids. It will be so much better when her speaking skills improve, so we can know whats going on.

Grace would have nightmares after spending weekends, it seems to be slowly stopping. So your child may have gone through the same kind of transition, but i am sure the ow is dragging it out and exaggerating the situation, at 6 years old and doing this for a year and a half, i doubt she is having many problems from being with you, its probably all the anxiety her mother is putting on her. I am sure all the changes her mother put on her have a lot to do with any problems the child is having also, but kids are very adaptable, they bounce back quickly. Alot of kids go through bedwetting at this age (I did lol) and Ive gotten over it, we all grow out of that stage (even though i have heard we can grow back into it with age--yikes)

ow sounds bitter and of course feels only she can properly care for the child, I guess all mothers feel they are the best for their kids. I know it does hurt knowing your child is calling someone else mama, and being taken care of by another woman. But I also know my child knows Im her mother and in my heart I hope the other woman does care for her and watch after her with tenderness like she would her own.

Just keep doing what you are doing for your oc, she will grow and love and appreciate you for everything. As for the ow, you cant change her and it sounds like she will probably complain and overreact and youll never be good enough, shell probably fabricate stuff (which is , im sure shes doing now) sounds like pops ex (except his was 100 times worse) Even she finally mellowed out with time when she knew we werent leaving and we were together for life. I think we were a very good influence on pops child, and even though i had a hard time for years (because i wanted to give him his first child) i always cared for him and loved him, and he knew it in his heart. I am rambling, i dont know if i even answered your questions??

oh yeah, the fevers, grace has been sick alot since entering daycare, being around alot of kids she tends to pick everything up , plus what our kids bring home, some kids just tend to get sick easier than others, their immune systems dont seem to work as well.

Now that FullHouse mentions it, my kids to have the bedwetting problem at the same age. Joy

KT, I am truly sorry you have to deal with OW who seems to think only of herself. What she is doing to the child is just wrong. She also seems like the person to defelct blame for anything onto others.

Xmm has taken time off of work when our daughter was injured. Other wise he usually isn't working when the kids have DR appts and normally wants to go along. I seem to have that rare XMM who acts like most XOW. Anything to make me miserable

Since I have never had to deal with any type of visitation, I can't offer any solid advice on those specifics. But, your OW sounds like someone that I know who uses her kids for sympathy! I like the term "sympathy whore"! They complain about each and every little thing!

A prime example, this family has too many kids. Now, I know that there are many families with as many kids as they have, and they do just fine. In this family, she has no idea how to spread her time between all the kids! She will complain about not having any time to herself, then whines when the church doesn't let her help out, since she doesn't have any time to do the things she wants to do. In fact, she got all upset when I mentioned that I was now the teacher for a Sunday School class!

Another situation is that she's been having troubles with two of the children. I offered to mentor the girl(at that time, she was homeschooling the kids) and take her maybe once a week for an hour or two. I said we could work on homework, or just do some bible study stuff. I also said that I would reinforce the fact that she needed to obey and respect her parents. Well, I never even got an answer to the offer!!!! Not even a, "I don't think that will work right now"!!!! Needless to say, the oldest hasn't been in the home for almost 5 months(was arrested and put into the system) and the only time this woman calls me is when she wants something from me, like watching the other kids when they have to go to court or stuff like that!

So, I feel that KT's OW is a sympathy whore, and is making a lot of this stuff up, or making it more than what it really is, to try to keep KT and her H from having any further contact w/OC! Heck, maybe the OC is too happy with KT and her bunch and OW doesn't like that! KT, have you ever seen any doctor reports about the flare ups or fevers? Is there any proof of the temper tantrums, or are they all at OW's home?

Reading about situations like this make me so glad that we've been NC for almost 4 yrs, and hope to never have contact EVER !!!! I wish you all luck in your quests to try to involve the OC into your lives, or in FH's situation, have OM involved in the OC's life! I know that all situations are unique, but with all the problems I've read, it takes a strong spouse to have the OP involved with your family!

Just my $0.02

Tigger