My H may not be at home so I can keep an eye on him, but he forgets I still have access to online banking account. I just checked - which I don't know why I do because I just get upset - H apparently took weekend trip out of town. Do you think he went alone? Funny he didn't mention to me that he was going. Maybe that is why I couldn't reach him at apartment or on cell.

What do I do? Do I confront him or just play it cool? I am really about to pick up phone and yell and scream!!! I feel like such a fool. Is this the end?

Kris

oh I don't know. My first instict would be to confront, confront, confront.

But I think you are trying to "plan a" it right? and were making some progress? Maybe the next time he asks about your weekend ask nicely about his? I jsut don't know what you should but I know what I would want to do. I'd just ask him if he had fun in_______?(wherever he was)I'd ask nicely and non-chalantly.

Maybe......hmmmm...maybe someone else will be around to give you better advice. This sounds like a tricky one.

I'm sorry.

Thanks kt for quick response.

I am feeling like I am losing control all over again. My heart is pounding, and I can't stop crying. Trying to take a deep breath and calm down.

I know Sun he took off and took D to apartment for sleepover. So I am thinking he was probably only gone through day on Sat. Charges were for gas and restaurant. $29.00 at restaurant - doesn't look like he ate alone.

How can only one person in a relationship be in love? How can he hurt me and kids so much? It is such a love/hate thing. He works nights. I really am just so tempted to pick up phone and call him. Afraid of what I might say - LBer city.

Will try to think and calm down before do anything rash? Maybe should wait till tomorrow to talk to him. Another sleepless night ahead. I thought I was past this.

Thanks again.
Kris

Okay, I did it. After I calmed down a bit I called H and simply asked to stick around home for awhile after I get home from work so we can talk. I told him I had some questions for him and that was it. He said okay and then chit chatted about what was going on at work like nothing was wrong. All happy go lucky.

Anyway, I need advice as to how to handle this. Please any suggestions. I can check post at work, but can't log in to reply. So please post any ideas. I will be reading.

Thanks to you all.
Kris

KrisM,

Did you get the chance to talk to him? I think this reply may be too late but if it isn't....

Plan A does not mean you have to be silent, or a doormat. It does mean you should do your very best to avoid LB's. Discussing a discrepancy in the bank account and your concern with that deduction does not have to be a LB. Just be careful about the way you phrase your questions. Do NOT accuse or attack. Make your questions "I" questions..."I noticed,,,I'm concerned about,,I feel insecure or scared..." Not "you" statements ... "You took... why did you...you always..." YOU questions will put him on the defensive and make him feel attacked ending any chance of a peaceful conversation.

Also (thanks to JustLearning for this reminder!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ),,WAIT for his answers. Don't fill in pauses with more questions. Give him a chance to reply and LISTEN to his answers.

Let us know how your talk went. Hopefully you got answers that weren't as bad as your suspicions. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Always remain calm. Calm. Calm. Breathe. Do not get weepy or hysterical. Ask the questions in a workmanlike manner. Then look him in the eye and wait for the answer.

I assume you have all your finances split at this time and he is not taking joint monies to entertain his ow?

Ouch.... oh boy honey...
This does NOT look good- not mentioning the trip... etc... I bet your gut and your heart already have a good idea .....

Why don't you ask him first what he did this weekend? If he doesn't say he went away, then you know why. ((( Kris )))

I don't know what you should do? I have a horrid temper when it comes to love/betrayal issues..so I am not too good at Plan A person.... working on it.

It must hurt like hell right now and I DO know that you cannot pretend this isn't happening! You HAVE TO SET YOUR BOUNDARIES or things will not change and that is all there is to it. He still has the freedom of knowing you are there. It is so hard but you must hold your ground... this is painful and unacceptable. BUT.. as the others said.. if you attack then he will get mad, deny in a nasty way as if you are insane.. etc....

Good luck on this, please let us know how it went and again ((((( HUGS TO YOU HONEY ))))))

Kris,

I pray all went well when you talked to H.

Hang in there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Okay, my H just left. I think we actually had a good talk for once. I started out by telling him that there were some things bothering me and if it was alright to ask him some questions. We talked about alot of my concerns, not just the weekend issue. By the way, he says he did go alone. He said he needed time away by himself. I looked him square in the eyes and asked like 3 times if he was really alone. He looked me square in the eyes and said yes each time. If he is lying, he's good. I think I do believe him.

One thing that I asked him about was why he never spends time alone with me. He says that he has trouble seeing me because he knows how much he has hurt me. Says that he wishes that this never happened. But yet he says he does still have feelings for OW. Says he allowed himself to get to close to her. Also says that he still loves me and that I deserve better. We talked about alot and I think it helped. I did tell him that C should stop with OW. He says she basically just calls to let him know about Dr. appts., etc. I even talked to him about how I feel that OW is using baby to get to him. He said at first maybe, but not any more. Says OW has basically resided to the fact that she will be raising this baby alone. Then I told him that for us to have a chance to try to save our marriage, then for now NC w/ OW.

Says he is confused about how he feels and can't really explain it to me. I suggested MC again. I don't know why he has a problem trying MC. Says he is afraid to open up to people.

H says he is not sure he is ready to come home. Says the apartment gives him a place to get away and think. I told him I really wanted to have him home, but that if he is going to stay at apartment, then he needs to make more of an effort with us - dating, talking, just being honest about what he is feeling. I told him I was here for him as his wife and friend. That I knew he was dealing with alot and that he can turn to me.

I feel a little more hopeful. He is coming over Sunday to spend time with family. I pray he is being truthful about what he is saying. Time will tell.

Thank you everyone for your posts. You all help be so much. I can never thank you enough.

God Bless,
Kris

He LIED!!! I talked to my BIL today and he confirmed that H took OW away for weekend. I just cannot believe that he could look me dead in the eye and lie to me more than once when I asked him about it.

I talked to BIL while I was at work today. When I got home, I took H's cell and called OW. Probably hugh LB, but I don't care at this point. I am so tired of being lied to that I just want to find out what H has been telling her. She confirmed what I suspected. The A is ongoing and H has been lying to both of us.

I then confronted H. Needless to say, he was mad at me for taking cell and calling OW. He left the house in a huff. I'm sure he was running to OW to save relationship. No apologies for hurting me or anything.

I probably handled this all wrong. But I feel really good right now. No more doubts because I know what was happening. I don't know what this means for my marriage. I am not so sure I can ever really trust H again. I told him that whatever relationship he wanted to save he would have to work really hard to do so. Both women are aware of what he has been doing and neither of us are happy.

That's the update. I really feel good and I am not so sure why. I think the weight of doubt and unknown has been lifted from my shoulders. I may have regrets tomorrow, but tonight I feel good.

God Bless,
Kris

Oh KrisM,,I'm so sorry... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

{{{{KrisM}}}}}}}

Kris,

I am so sorry that H lied to you about something so important!

It is a small consolation but at least you know the truth - that he will lie to both of you to keep both relationships going, the selfishness of some of these men is mind blowing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I hope you are still feeling good about contacting OW sometimes it helps & sometimes it doesn't. Bottom line you deserve to know what is going on, whether he is in the house or not he is still your H & is still accountable to you.

I know how much it hurts to have the person you love look you dead in the face & lie to you, why is it so much easier to do that then tell the truth? It would still hurt but cause less damage in the long run, they don't get that either.

You are in my prayers sweetie, any thoughts on what you are going to do now?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are in my prayers sweetie, any thoughts on what you are going to do now?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BG93 - I have no idea what I am going to do now. I had previously scheduled today off work and I have spent it spring cleaning - and packing H things as I find them. I really don't see how I can ever trust H again. I gave him every opportunity to be truthful. I told him several times to tell me the truth no matter what and he chose to continue to lie. I really thought I would feel bad today after what happened last night. I feel better today than I have in a long time. It is true that the truth will set you free because that is how I feel. I have prayed for so long that God would help me save my marriage. Today I feel like he is telling me that I tried my best and that is all I can do. I feel like I will be okay in this world without my H.

Ask me tomorrow and I might have another answer. I haven't really talked to H since last night. I am sure he ran to OW to beg forgiveness. He sure didn't ask for it from me. That says alot to me. OW says she suspected that H wasn't be truthful with her also. I confirmed her suspicions, and she confirmed mine. She says she is through with him. I really don't care. I just feel like maybe it is best for the kids and me to move on. I thought a divorce would be so harmful to them, and if it comes to that I know it will be difficult for them. However, I'm not so sure that they should be raised by someone that can't be trusted. They can rely on me, and they know that.

H is going to suffer the most from his mistakes. I will take care of myself and kids. It will take alot for me to go back into M with him. I am not sure it is possible anymore.

Thanks for your reply and all your prayers.

Kris

Kris,

How are u doing today?

I know H telling lies, makes you feel like he will never tell the truth again, but it doesn't mean it won't happen. My H still lies to me from time to time, I don't trust him totally & yes after such a betrayal, it will take time for your H to earn your trust & prove that he has changed, right now he is not ready to do that, he is in the fog.

Are you thinking maybe it is time for Plan B? I hate to see you give up so soon, & I know it probably seems like you have given him plenty of time already & if he is not ready to be truthful what is the point, it is so frustrating, the WS seem to forget that it is not just about them, this is your life too & the lives of your kids. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Only you know how much more you are willing to endure & what God is telling you to do. I just hate to see you give up too soon, be sure of what it is you want & what is best for your kids before you make a major decision about your M.

Here is short sweet saying to live by;

Happy moments, praise God.
Difficult moments, seek God.
Quiet moments, worship God.
Painful moments, trust God.
Every moment, thank God.

Hi,

Kris, and BG93 it sounds like we are in the same boat. My H has been having an affair also for about a year. I thought that we were in recovery I found out about the A in Sept. We have been seperated since then and I just found out that H has been living with her this entire time. He was suppose to be working it out with me.

We have two small children under the age of two 1/2. I learned yesterday when OW called my house at 4am looking for him ( we were asleep), that she is 6mos pregnant!! I am in shock!! I feel so betrayed. H said he was trying to figure out a way to tell me and come back home for good at the same time. I don't know who to believe anymore.

So I too know what you are going through. BG93 how do you get through with your H having another child. I love him and really don't want a divorce, but I don't know that I could ever accept it. This is all so new to me. But it is killing me, literally!!

JT2,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So I too know what you are going through. BG93 how do you get through with your H having another child. I love him and really don't want a divorce, but I don't know that I could ever accept it. This is all so new to me. But it is killing me, literally!!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am so sorry for you & I truly know how devastating this is. I am only still standing because of God's grace. I don't have any children w/ my H. OC is his one & only. I made a really selfish decision not to have a baby w/ H, knowing he didn't have one early in our M. He agreed w/ me after much discussion, so it wasn't something that was done behind his back. As time went on he changed his mind about wanting to be a father, we were having other problems in our M also and didn't talk to each other. I too, had changed my mind about having a baby, but never told H. H chose to confide in the first tramp that came along & A started & she decided to do what I wouldn't.

When I found out about A & pg. OW was also 6 months pg. I threw H out, took him back after 2 weeks, threw him out again, both times he lived w/ OW. This has been the hardest thing I have ever dealt w/ in my life & yes it would be really easy to have gave up, we have no kids, my son is grown, but I didn't, people think I am crazy, desparate, etc. I can't worry about them. I made vows before God & I don't take them lightly. If H wanted to be w/ OW he could be, he was, but he made the choice to come home to me.

No it is not easy & I'd be lying if I said I still don't think about D some days but I have to live this life, & until I am ready to call it quits, I stand for the restoration & healing of my marriage, & that now means dealing w/ OC, since N/C is not an option at this point.

If you believe in prayer, pray & ask God to show you what to do, let him be your strength & totally trust him to be with you thru this trial in your marriage, he will, no matter the outcome. Keep posting here & read, read, read. This board has helped me so much in just the 2 months I have been here.

I am praying for you, you can & will get thru this.

Thank you so much BG93. I really was thinking of giving up until I read your post. For the last few weeks I have really been trying to give control to God and yet here I am interfering again. I guess I am just a little impatient. Thanks for your voice of reason. Another one of your posts to Sunnydale really spoke to me also.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...really letting the enemy play w/ my mind, my pastor talked about having faith, sticking with the "situation", even though others think you are crazy, stupid, being used etc. God can turn any one or any situation around & use it to glorify him.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you think that the devil could be giving me this sense of wanting to move on? I guess I was thinking maybe God was saying that it was okay to move on. But I really don't want to move on the more I think about it. And who wants my marriage to fail - not God. I don't know - just a thought. I guess that is why I really need to step back and let God take control. It is just so hard - I want my life back.

Is it really possible to rebuild a M after all the dishonesty? I just feel that I gave my H so many opportunities to tell the truth. Over and over again I told him no matter what - just tell me the truth. The uncertainty and unknowing of this situation is what it so hard. And I still feel so much better knowing the truth.

I saw H tonight briefly for the first time since I revealed truth to OW. He looked absolutely horrible. Maybe OW did end it. I did not ask. I didn't really speak to him. I came home from work and talked to kids, but basically ignored him. Probably not the right thing to do, but I have no idea what to do or say to him. I don't think that I can really believe anything he says right now. I have so many more questions and doubts about possible other lies. I am almost tempted to call OW back and talk more. I didn't really decuss alot with her Monday. I just basically found out she went with him on weekend trip and that they were still sleeping together. That was all I could handle for the moment. But I have so many other questions and I doubt H will be honest. Who knows if OW would be? But it would be interesting to see if they tell the same story.

JT2 - so sorry to see you join us. No spouse should have to endure the pain of an A. Hang in there and do what BG93 says and turn to your faith. I didn't really begin to handle this whole mess until I turned to God. He is my anchor and I trust him and only him to get me through this. Keep posting. There are alot of experienced women out there that will give you very good advice. I'll be praying for you.

God Bless,
Kris

Kris,

My H never lied to me before A, and all these years it has been hard for him to stop. It opened up in him, a selfishness that I had never known and once he 'tasted' it.......

EVERYTHING ALWAYS gets revealed. There have been some bumps in the road to recovery, if that's what you want to call it, (nothing as severe as A though)but the love that has been restored is beyond measure.

This all takes time but the only one you can trust is GOD.

We betray HIM every day of our lives and He is continuously patient, forgiving and gracious. We are not God and cannot be perfect like him but........we can remember that He is.

I don't know what will become of you & your marriage and family but God does. He wants your marriage to stay intact but we all have the free will to do what we want.

One thing you can count on, God knew all of this. He knew and knows all the choices and decisions your H has made and will make.

The worst thing in your life has happened and what happened? Did you die? Did the world stop spinning?

God was there and He has provided for you every step of the way and he always will.

You can pour your heart out to Him and to us, of course, but only HE can heal it.

I really hope that your H comes to his senses and does what's right.

Think of it like this as you pray, your H SOUL is @ stake here!

God bless you.

PS: when is your anniversary? I am also married 11 years. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

If you feel comfortable talking to OW then I would do it while your still comfortable. I wish I could talk to OW sometimes but our relationship is no longer like that since she has used A details to purposely try to hurt me. So I am too prideful now to ??? her now.

But be cautious.

Thanks kt - that is exactly what I needed to hear. I truly believe that I need to do what I can to help my H. He is a lost soul right now, but what if he is not willing to be found? How can I reach him?

Kris