I was surprised that several of you were interested in my entire story so I thought I’d post it for all to see. This is also good therapy for me. It may be an eye opener for all of you betrayers who wondered, “What if”?<P>I had been married 19 years when the affair started. I never smoked, drank or did drugs and was brought up in a good Christian home. We had two teenage sons who I adored. I met the ow at the office. In fact I hired her and she reported directly to me. She too was a good Christian – really into the Bible more so than I. We both were married when the affair began. She had one son and had been married 24 years. We became emotionally attached almost immediately. We spent time together just talking about common things. She made it clear that she was in an unhappy marriage, but was resigned to living it out. In April, ’93 our whole Division (100 people) went to a conference in Phoenix. She and I spent a lot of time together especially at night during the relaxation time. When I left Phoenix I felt this exciting feeling in my stomach. Like butterflies everytime I thought of her and wondered, “What the hell is this feeling”. I haven’t felt this way since I was dating my wife 20 years ago, but I love it. That was on a Thursday.<P>I thought about her for the next few days and couldn’t get her out of my mind. Couldn’t wait for to see her on Monday. I did and we spent time talking again. On Tuesday afternoon I called her into my office and closed the door. I told her I had something I wanted to say, but didn’t know how to approach it. Frankly, I was concerned about a sexual harassment suit. Finally I told her that in the 6 months that she had been working for me I had fallen in love with her. I expected her to say something like – well one of us needs to transfer. To my surprise she said she had been attracted to me also and as far as my love goes to, “Let it grow”. Then she walked out of my office. I was as high as a kite.<P>After that we would meet after work for iced tea at the Ritz and spend at least 1 or 2 hours together. We would talk about anything and everything. We spoke about how great it would be if we had met each other 20 years ago and had gotten married. One afternoon, during the summer of ’93 we went out to lunch. We were out in the country sitting in my 300ZX with the T’s down eating a sandwich, and I leaned over and kissed her. It was like the fourth of July. I hadn’t felt such passion since I was in high school. After that we did a lot of kissing whenever we could. Well one thing led to another and I took her on a business trip with me sometime in October, ’93. I don’t remember how it happened, but I found myself in her room that night and we made love. Now I knew I was really in love. Fireworks went off and I knew that I had to marry this person. We planned to divorce our spouses and remarry, but there were never any real details to that plan.<P>Meanwhile my wife was going crazy. Just as crazy as some of you who post in this forum, but there was nothing that she could do or say that made me see straight. We tried counseling and talking to our pastor, but as long as I was seeing the other women it was a waste of time and money. I was in love with the ow and although I loved my wife, I was not in love with her (sound familiar). She became distraught and went on anti-depressants and tranquilizers, but did I care – no. I continued to feed my lust. My children lost respect for me and caught me in several lies, but again I didn’t care because I was in fantasyland, loved it and didn’t want to come back to reality.<P>At the beginning of the third year the ow and I moved into an apartment together. She soon divorced her husband and I was expected to do the same. Things couldn't have been better. We lived, ate, drank, worked and slept together. The lovemaking we did was far more intense than anything I ever felt with my wife, and we did it almost every night for the 3 years we lived together. We went on weeklong vacations and mini vacations together all the time. Life was fantastic, but several things were bothering me. I often would think of the women and children I left behind. Left behind so that I could enjoy the sex and good times. It started to get to me. On vacations I'd sneak away from the ow to call "home" just to find out how everyone was. Soon I found that I was now betraying the ow because of the pent up guilt and longing for my family. The family that I started and raised. At the same time I began to see the flaws in the ow. She was/is a beautiful women. But I realized that beauty is only skin deep. I didn't realize it then, but she was never honest with me. I know now that she is a conflict avoider, and never really told me what was on her mind. Things began to bother her about me, but she was silent. She wanted me to make a marriage commitment, and although I once talked about marriage I never brought it up because of the guilt I felt for my wife and family. In any event, we had this fantastic relationship, but it was starting to crack after living together for 2 years. Because she never revealed her needs to me I never met them, and she became extremely frustrated, but kept it all to herself. One day, for the silliest reason she left me a note saying, “Get Out of My Life”. By then I was also frustrated and left as quickly as I could. Within a week the withdrawal process had affected both of us and she called me to come back, but I knew that this was the brake I was waiting for so I never returned. I never returned because by then I realized that a marriage could never work. It would have been a marriage based on lies and dishonesty. It’s foundation was divorce and mistrust. It never could have succeeded. I know that now, even though I still love the ow. But I also know that if we had been married it would only have been a matter of time before we got divorced. You will both eventually see the flaws in the op. And when you do the relationship will unravel very quickly because affairs are based on passion not commitment. People in affairs have too much baggage to carry around to make a new marriage work. But the problem is that you are really in love. You are in love with the op. I don't care if you call it a fantasy or not. You are in love and when you separate you will feel real pain - not fantasy pain. <P>Our relationship ended in June, “99, and I began reconciliation with my wife. That’s about the time I started posting here because the withdrawal was horrible and I needed to relieve it. I found/find it gratifying to help people who is on the same road to destruction that I was on. I’m not Mr. Know-it-all, nor am I a professional counselor, but I’ve gone through the whole process. And I’m right back where I started from 6 years ago. Only it feels like I’ve been through a war. I have very little self-esteem and I carry a ton of guilt, pain, sorrow and hurt for everyone that was affected. It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. And now I’m paying the price. As far as the ow goes. I still love her, but we have agreed never to contact each other again. I don’t know how she feels about me, but I recently found out that she came close to having a nervous brake down. She has no job and is on anti-depressants and tranquilizers. More guilt for me to carry around.<P>So that’s my story. All I can say is I’m sorry, and I know it’s far from enough, but I’ve learned one of life’s toughest lessons. That is: DON’T LET YOUR FEELINGS DRIVE YOUR BEHAVIOR. LET YOUR FAITH IN GOD DRIVE YOUR BEHAVIOR AND YOU CAN’T GO WRONG.<P>Now you all know why I chose the name Freedom<P>------------------<BR>Freedom<p>[This message has been edited by freedom (edited August 10, 1999).]

(((freedom)))

WOW, i respect your honesty. But I have a few questions and a comment. Are you trying to work things out with your wife now? And how after 3 years is it going to work with your wife when you have loved and are in love with OW? Is your wife still and love with you or a glutten for punishment? My comment about this is that it must be SO HARD for your wife to have to live with the fact that you actually loved and left her life for someone else. That you put OW before her. That is the problem with me. I can't forgive that he loved (though he say's he didn't) another woman and put her on the same level as me. Maybe it is an ego thing, but that is the hardest for me to accept. Another question, don't you think your wife would be better off with someone that will love her and ONLY her the way she should be? Isn't it selfish for you to expect her to go backwards with a passionless marriage? (Okay that was 2 questions)!

hey freedom,<P>I know alot of your story already from our personal emails, but I just wanted to step in and say... "wow"!! You've really gone through the ringer. And not just you but your wife and the OW, etc.<P>Yours is a story that any betrayer can definitely learn from if they are smart enough to listen.<P>I wonder if I'm smart enough? <P>Anyway, I'm glad you were brave enough to post it. Take it easy and good luck as usual!! I'm rooting for you to feel better about yourself!<P>--airheart

Thank you freedom for sharing your detailed story. You do have a lot to offer; to both the betrayed and the betrayer.<P>I have a few questions too. Can you tell us a little about your W? I take it she never gave up on you even while you were living with OW for 3 years. Is she working on your marriage too? How did she handle you living with someone else? Do you both think your marriage will recover and be happy for each of you? What is she doing to help you through this time of w/d? (My W is in w/d now too).<P>God bless you and your W.<P>SHA<P>------------------<BR>There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved. <BR>

Does your wife know you still say you love the OW? If you still love the OW how are you ever going to honestly be happy with your wife? I feel for you, but I'm just trying to understand how you could live your life like this. How do you know if you've made the right decision? And isn't is sad to know that you only have one life to live and you're living it loving someone else?<BR>I'm asking these questions because I'm really trying to do the same thing you are doing. I'm scared of wondering "what if" and I'm even more scared that I will be wondering it until I"m on my death bed...how sad is that...

freedom, I want to thank you for this post. I think it was useful for everyone to read, as it really gets into the head of the contrite betrayer.<P>Your situation goes to the heart of something in the "affairs" section of Harley's HNHN book that bothered me -- that the betrayer is always and forever in love with the OP. And that being the case, why try? <P>I was lucky. I think I woke up in time, and shoveled enough units into my H's not-empty-already love bank so that his relationship didn't get as intense as yours did. I thank God every day (and yes, even though I'm not a Christian, and am not necessarily sure of what the NATURE of God is, I do believe) that I woke up in time, with the help of this site.<P>But I'm telling you...if I had to live the rest of my life knowing that my H still wanted, desired, and loved HER the way you still want/desire/love YOUR OW, I don't think I could live with him. I would rather let him go, let the affair play out to its bitter end, and if I was still available, then we'd see. But who knows, really, what I'd do?<P>A couple of things you haven't explained: What was your marriage like? Did you have unmet needs? What were they? It sounds almost as if there was nothing really wrong with your marriage except that you had never sown any wild oats, and this woman with huge hooters came along and you felt pure raw lust for the first time in your life. Sorry if that sounds brusque; that's just my manner of speaking.<P>Here's another thing: Where did Christianity fit into this? Why didn't your religion "stop" you? Why wasn't your faith strong enough to counteract what your body chemicals were telling you? How did you justify it? Why did you spill the beans to OW so quickly, instead of waiting to sort out your feelings?<P>Do you think that if you had stayed with her and let your affair "run its course" it would have been easier to go back to your W?<P>How are you doing with your W now? If there were unmet needs, is she doing a better job of filling them now?<P>Sorry if it sounds like I'm prying, but I am trying to understand.<P>Thanks for bearing with me.

Freedom, thank you sooooo much for your story. I feel my H could have written it. However, he is still at the point of that "feeling" that he gets with OW. If I had a way of sending your story to him anonymously I would. Maybe he would get shook up a bit. <BR><BR>Anyway, again thank you, your wife has one heck of a guy.

To trying2_4give,<P>Answers to your questions:<BR>1. Yes my wife and I are trying to work things out although we are still separated.<BR>2. We don't know how it's going to work out in the future. We are just leaving it up to the Lord to help us through this.<BR>3. My wife is still in love with me. Maybe because although I had temporary insanity she knew that I was still in love with her.<BR>4. Yes, I believe that my wife deserves someone that will love her and only her.<BR>5. Yes, I believe that to go back to a passionless marriage would be selfish.<P>But those are the questions we are trying to answer during this time. What none of you know is that during the past several weeks my depression got so bad that I finally turned my whole life over to the Lord to do whatever He wanted me to do. I had no other place to go. I was at the bottom of the deepest pit. During the past 6 years my wife became a very strong Christian and it's her faith that keeps her loving me.<P>Everything happens for a reason. If for nothing else, we are both much closer to God than we ever were and we both believe that no matter what happened in the past God does not want us to divorce. Therefore if you believe and trust in God - all things are possible.<P>To airheart, <P>Thanks for the support, and keep fighting the withdrawal. I know what it's like.<P>To Sir Hurts Alot,<P>My wife has incredible faith in the Lord. She never gave up praying. She believes that God will do whatever is best for her and the family. She had her whole church praying for me for years. Then she just went about her own business ignoring me, praising the Lord and managing the family. At times she said she couldn't take it anymore and wanted a divorce, but something always prevented it from happening (Holy Spirit). So to sum it up it was her faith and trust in God that got her through it. Meanwhile I watched her and admired her for her faith and hated myself more and more for being selfish. In the end I wanted to be more like my wife rather than the ow.<P>We don't know what the future will bring, but we both have faith that God didn't get us this far to have us fail now.<P>She knows that she can't do much for me during withdrawal, but since I've been praying about it has eased up. In fact I'm starting to feel anger toward the ow for what has happened.<P>To Holly,<P>Yes, my wife knows that I am still in love with the ow. We both pray that it won't last.<P>I'm giving the problem to God. If He hates divorce then He will give us both the strength to make this marriage work because we are commited to Him and the marriage.<P>I loved my wife at one time just like I love the ow now. I have to find that love again because I've learned that marrying the ow would only bring failure and a second divorce.<P>Holly, and all of you wondering, "What If" take it from one who was there - it won't work. It may work for a time, but didn't it work for a time with your spouse. In an affair when the passion wears off and you are left with nothing. Then it will end in tragedy for all. It is only a fantasy in that respect.<P>Dazed and Confused,<P>Although I'm still in love with the ow my attitude toward her is changing. I focus on her negative traits now and the ugly and selfish way she ended our relationship. I also try not to think of the good times we spent together. I think the real trick is to learn to love my wife more than anyone else, but that's going to take lots of work. In time I hope the love and memories of the ow will fade.<P>My marrage seemed fine at the time, but it was a little boring. And you are right about my unmet needs. After counseling I realized that my number one need is an attractive wife. My wife let herself go and the ow was in great shape. My number two need was sex. Again you are right. She had a great body and a fantastic set of hooters and I fell in hook line and sinker. But I got love and sex mixed up.<P>As far as my beliefs. I always believed in God, but had little use for Him. I only prayed when I wanted something. Everything happens for a reason. This may have been His wakeup call for me because now He and I speak on a daily basis. I don't have the answers to all your questions. I can only say that since I've brought God into the picture I am beginning to see the light at the end of this tunnel.<P>My wife and I are planning how to rebuild our marriage. In fact she will be here in about an hour to discuss the details.<P>To Against the Wind,<BR>Thank you. If you like I'll email it to him.<P>To Derby,<BR>Thanks for the encouragement.<P>To love WAS blind,<BR>No. He never forgot you or the family. Sad to say, but even during my most passionate times with the ow I wondered what my family was doing. Did they need me for anything? What the hell was I doing and how do I get out of this mess? <P>You don't forget because the affair is based on passion. The marriage on commitment.<p>[This message has been edited by freedom (edited August 10, 1999).]

Freedom,<BR>Thanks so much for sharing your story. Just know that it is God's will for you to be with your wife and if you both remember that and rely on Him you will make it. God's will would never be to tear apart your family no matter what your emotions tell you. You are such a great source of info to us all. We really appreciate your willingness to open up. Good luck with your marriage. I pray for a restored relationship with your wife and your sons.<BR>

freedom, thanks for the whole story. im glad for the insight.<BR>i have a question for you:<BR>H and i were sort of dicussing whether he had "forgotten" he had a family during any time he was with OW. He vehemently denies ever forgetting us. I said, "oh, im sure there were some passionate saturday afternoons when we slipped your mind..." he said no.<BR>Since he did everything but file for divorce (and she was so mad about that she finally called me to ask if he had), do you think he is just telling me this to spare my feelings? <BR>Did you ever forget your family?<BR>just wondering....<P><P>------------------<BR>for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part.<P><BR>

Dear Freedom,<P>I just want to thank you for sharing your whole story with us. This is a gift, and it is painful, but gives many of us hope.<P>God bless you, and I do hope you have peace in your heart and mind.<P>

I bet my H is going through the same emotional (and physical) things that you are/did! I applaud your honesty but I'm torn between being glad that you "came to your senses" and angry with you for what you put your family through. I have been married for 16 years. I lived my live ignorant to meeting H's needs. Due to H's work schedule, I've been alone most of the time, and over years got used to doing things without including him. Until last November, when H met this "mariposa reina" person, I lived, as many who have posted her with the thought that even though my marriage is ho, hum... he'd never cheat on me. What a rude awakening I've had! He also has told me he's in very much in love with this OW, she makes him feel like he's worthwhile, attractive, etc., etc., etc. I forced him to call it off with her, but since I wasn't there listening in on this "supposed conversation", I don't believe he did it. I believe his "love affair" continues to this very day. How on earth did your wife, Freedom, take you back after you had spent 3 years of your life loving someone else? I'm having a hard enough time still living in the same house with my H, knowing his physical body is here, but not his heart and soul. I tell him repeatedly that I love him, to which he politely answers "I know". Yippy. That doesn't quite tell me loves me too, huh? I actually wonder how the OW puts up with knowing that he's married and not making a committment to her either. Heck, maybe their plotting to run off together, and I the one who's in the dark. All I can say is that God must have give your wife, Freedom, the patience of a saint. I think I was at the end of that line...

Thank you for posting your story. I wish my H could read it, but I doubt that he is ready. My H and I have been married 19 years also.<BR>How is your relationship with your children now? Were you able to maintain more than a superficial relationship with them during the affair?<P>Thank you for saying that you should not let your feelings drive your behavior. The day before he left, my H said, "I can't help my emotions". If only he hadn't allowed them to control his actions.<BR>

freedom, thanks for offering to email H. The next few weeks should tell me exactly where he is. So I will let you know then, as a last ditch effort to get thru to him. Take care and keep praying.

freedom,<P>I was thinking about your name before you made this post. <P>That's what I am looking for...complete freedom. Freedom from the hurt and pain I've caused to my H, God (though I can't get my mind around that now), myself, and even the OM. I have failed God's plan, and also these people in my life. <P>Wow...your story really struck a cord with me today. Thanks again...<P>Good luck. May you find great joy in falling in love with your Wife!!!<P>-janet

Dear Freedom, <BR>Thank you for telling us your story. You went through a lot of what my husband is going through now. Everything you have told us I have tried to tell my husband would happen. He tells me he knows but that he loves us both. I know I probably just have to be paitent and loving and maybe i can have my marriage back. Thank you for giving me a little hope.

Freedom-<BR>Thanks for your honesty. May God heal your marriage!

Freedom,<BR>Thank you for sharing your story.Maybe it will give people here some hope for the future.You must have one hell of a W to hold on for 3 years.Most people would have divorced long ago.I'm still trying to understand the betrayer's frame of mind(again!)My W left me to live with OM last fall.Does she even think of me,or just in a negative light?She told me I was a good husband,but wanted to forget the past,and think of her future with OM.She's 43,and he's 31.When she left, she knew my father's cancer may be coming back,my mother has serious heart problems,my niece has a deadly disease,and our dog needed surgery.She's never called to even ask about any of them,and she's known my folks for 24 years.How can she be so callous?Can a person really just forget their past so easily?I just can't imagine that.Maybe you can help clarify this for me.Thanks. --Murph

Thank you for sharing your story.Your wife is a remarkable lady. The questions I have for you are these<BR>1) Did you see your sons and how did they deal with the situation?<BR>2)Did you keep up your financial contribution to your family?<BR>It is this that makes me less patient with my H who is going through very similar behaviour in that he wants "No responsibility whatsoever to his family except to have fun when he sees his children", and he fails to understand the ramifications of this. It is this reason more than any other (OW, "midlife crisis" "searching for what he really wants) that has led me to say I cannot wait. I need him to take financial responsibility for his family in a way he has never had to before.<BR>How did your family cope? <BR>