BG93 - I am doing good. Nothing happening at the moment with H. He is too upset over OW. I hope he wakes up soon and realizes that he should be focusing on his family. He hasn't really had much to do with me lately, but he has been spending time with kids. He had them at his apartment this weekend. One of the nights we spent quite a bit of time emailing back and forth. He is so down. He says OW won't talk to him. I just have this horrible feeling that he might file to prove to OW that he loves her. God I hope not. Scares me that he wants little to do with me - how did things go this wrong? I hope he gives us a chance.

How are you doing tonight? Maybe distancing yourself from your H will make him see how important you are to him. Maybe he will take action to do the things that are important to you. I hope it works out for you.

God Bless,
Kris

Hi Kris,

I forgot to tell you that when I read your post at work today I had tears in my eyes. It helps to know someone who doesn't even know you cares so much & I feel the same way about you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I got another text message from H at about 3:45 today, asking how my day was going, I still didn't respond. He will be home from work shortly & I plan to be asleep, really don't want to talk, I have nothing to say right now & I am not up to a talk about anything.

I know you must be hurting over your H being distant & being in such deep fog over OW. At least he is not living with her, that is a BIG plus. Not as big a plus as him being home w/ you I know. Are you doing plan A?

I am gonna say a special prayer for you & your family tonite Kris, & especially for your H & mine that God will touch their hearts & open their eyes to the plan that HE has for them.

Keep the Faith! I will try to also.

BG,

It is best to keep the faith. I was not trying to tell you what to do because God knows I'm still holding on. H is suppose to move back home on Friday.

I am just not sure if this is the beginning or the end. H is upset that the OW contacted me. I beleive that really opened his eyes to what was going to take place in the future. She would inturn start with the suspicions just as I did.

H claims that he really loves me and wants to be with our family. I don't want to pressure him but am so confused and angry.

Are you in Plan B?

I am tired of posting and reading posts it seems to just confuse me more. Is that possible? Are we really getting help? Why do we need the Help? Is he required to do any work? Where do you go from here?

I am tired of feeling inadequate in my marriage. Wondering is this the night that he comes home for good. Or is this time going to be better?

I don't think I'm really helping anyone here and am not quite sure if my pain is getting any better.

I feel so alone!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

JT2--you are not alone. You are doing the right thing.

You have a lot @ stake here so I encourage you to hang in there. Your feelings will change from day to day. Have you spoken to an attorney yet to get things set up for YOUR BC?

Marriage is more than just about love and feelings, you have 2 young ones to consider, which I think you are doing. I know you are not just thinking about yourself here but them also.

Have you considered counseling w/ the Harleys?
He mentions in his book SAA that in order to "work on the marriage" all C w/ OW needs to cease. Did you read that sunny and BG? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

ALL C W/ OW HAS TO STOP! Other wise H is not working on the marriage but still feeding his own desires, selfishness and lusts. Take it as that. Either you are working on the marriage or you're not.

I know how lonely you feel JT, we have all been there. Especially IRL where you don't normally find someone in a similar situation that you can talk to about it. It seems the only place to find someone is here. I don't know ANYONE in real life w/ this kind of situation that I can seek counsel from. Everyone IRL looks dumb-founded when I ask advice about anything pertaining to this.

You will find support for yourself AND your marriage here. WE can be there for you to help you cope with these very low lows and cheer you on w/ the highs.

You are starting from the bottom and building up now! You can't get much lower than where you are now. The worst thing has happened and you survived it. You have nothing else to lose by throwing your heart into it, even when you feel you have nothing left.

The thing about starting from the bottom is that you can rebuild w/ an entirely NEW foundation and you can rebuild new hopes and dreams. Your old life is gone, your old marriage is gone, now you can move forward to making a new and better one. It's possible. Look up some old posts or ask for some success stories, I think I remember someone just celebrating thier 25th or 50th anniversary.

This will not define your entire life, only a piece of it.

Hang in there girl..we're here for ya'!

Hang in there you guys.

I think that I may be done soon as my H told me today that he is never coming back and I'm the most negative person he has ever been around and he does not enjoy spending time with me and that I use our sonn to keep him around and that he is not walking out on our son--that he will still be involved but that he doesn't want to be my wife anymore.

Do you know how many times I have heard that--I guess I'm saying I can't take it anymore & no matter how much I love him--he just pushes me away.

He was so mean to me on the phone just now he tries to hurt me to make me mad I think so that I will leave--he says he doesn't know what to do to make me understand.

I think that I must just give up on it all. My dreams of a family are shattered and I have tried and tried to put the pieces back together.

It takes two put them back together and I don't think that their is two trying.

Sorry to be so down but when the one you ove so much just keeps telling you they don't care--what else can you do but walk away--maybe this is god's will--maybe we aren't meant to be.

Albany

Albany,

I am so sorry H said such hurtful things to you. Do you think maybe he just needs to have space from you? Maybe you should consider Plan B? Maybe having no contact with you will make him see that he really doesn't want his marriage to be over. I don't know, my situation is so messed up right now I am the last to offer any help, sorry. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I know how you feel though it does take 2 to work on a marriage with God in the center. I am starting to think also that this is not God's will.

Last nite H was complaining that I didn't acknowledge the messages he sent to me, he said you call any other time. I told him I received them, just didnt' call him, for what????

This morning I was home sick, he came in & went downstairs to sleep, said he didn't want to disturb me, I told him he does it every nite when he come in, & that I wasn't going to talk to him so he need not be afraid, of course he told me not to take it personally, whatever. He didn't read the whole Plan B letter I wrote to him, not talking about making any changes or leaving either. So who knows. I can let it go I know that, I have no more fight left.

I am praying for you that you get an answer from God one way or another. Life is too short to live in limbo like this.

Thanks--

I love him but I don't think that there is anything left for me to do.

I don't actually think he can go through with it in the end but this kind life isn't fair to me or most of all our son.

Thanks for the words of kindness--I just think it is time to quit.

Albany

ok albany, take a deep breath and focus!

If your H ends this marriage that is his choice---nothing for you to feel bad or guilty about.

BUT DON'T YOU DARE buy into the lie that God would WANT you to get divorced and "it wasn't meant to be" crap! God HATES divorce. God would never want this for you, your H or your son. NEVER.

IF your H has not stopped all C w/ OW then........he has made his choice. This has nothing to do w/ you, your failing or lackings.

You and I both know this even if we don't believe it somehow. You could be the worst and b!tchiest wife there ever was and there would still be no excuse to have an A! Your H should tell you what needs he has that are not being met and give you the chance to change and meet them, go to counseling but don't you dare think that you have something to do w/ his choices and it's God's will.

File for legal separation if you will, and you should anyway for CS sake, maybe start plan b. whatever.

But you have every right to keep loving your H and hanging in there if you want. It doesn't matter what I say or any one else really. We all have choices. YOu can choose whatever you want.

I have been there, to the point of thinking I just can't do this one more minute much less one more day---it's just too much! Yes, it was, but then our Lord will give me (and you) the strength and resolve I need to keep up the good fight and the run a good race. AND you know what?

He also gives me the hope and blessings. I have seen the changes not only in myself but H too. I couldn't love and adore him more. Is it easy, not all the time but it is getting easier and easier every day.

You can do what you want, H will do what he wants. YOu can set boundaries, limits, get to counseling together. h has to make choices, either he's w/ you or not!

Of course, I have never beent eh point of waiting for h to "choose" the choice was made efore I ever knew there was one, but at the same time, I guess I was waiting and I jsut didn't know it. H was still moody & distant and unloving and I didn't ahve any idea why.

My marraige had gotten to the point that I WISHED my H would have an A so I could justify getting a divorce! Well that was jsut as selfish AND I finally got my wish! I ahd my chance @ leaving, startign over, fresh and young, coudl go back to school do something "meaningful" w/ myself---it was all about ME--then I looked into my 5 yo eyes and saw how he missed his mother who was now working all day, too tired for him, missed his daddy that all he knew was love for, missed sleeping in his own bed,having his own room, knew I would not be able to fulfill our dreams of homeschooling if I was to be a single mom-------so I made a choice--a choice my H had made a year earlier that I didn't know about--a choice to give it whatever it took to keep it together and give our child (and the ones to come) a life that we thought was best for them.

It was not an easy choice and w/ it have come many consequenses and hurts but also--a lot of love and blessings that might have never happened---actually I know they would have never happened if H and I had called it quits!

Just something to think about--not to overwhelm you.

Am I saying be a doormat? no, but you can take steps to avoid being taken advantage of. You have choices, and H needs to make choices too. If HE gives up then that is his choice and you are free from all responsibility and obligation.

Don't get down feeling and thinking like you have no control over the situation because you do! Get active!


On a day like today, it's good to have a friend like you!

KT

He hasn't had contact with other women for almost 2 months--it isn't about her--it is about us and he says he doesn't want me or to be my husband.

Albany

JT2
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> H is suppose to move back home on Friday.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Well that is great news!! I know you are probably very nervous about his homecoming, all I can say is still try to do a good plan A. KT gave you some really good advice - bottom line is all contact w/ OW has to stop, it hasn't in my case & most likely never will so there isn't really anywhere for my M to go.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you in Plan B? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wish I knew, I gave him the ltr. Mon. nite, he won't leave, so how can I do Plan B with him in the house??? He didnt even read the whole letter. I just spoke with him awhile ago & he says he will read it all tonite.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am tired of posting and reading posts it seems to just confuse me more. Is that possible? Are we really getting help? Why do we need the Help? Is he required to do any work? Where do you go from here?

I am tired of feeling inadequate in my marriage. Wondering is this the night that he comes home for good. Or is this time going to be better?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't understand your confusion, every situation is diffferent so will you find any advice there that will be a magic cure? - No, I can only speak for myself when I say, this site has helped me tremendously, I now know about tools I can use to try & save what is left of M, maybe too late, but I am trying. No it seems that H's don't do much work in Plan A the way I see it, but you are letting him know how much you are willing to work on your M, also you need to set boundaries before he comes home, I didn't & boy am I sorry.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think I'm really helping anyone here and am not quite sure if my pain is getting any better.

I feel so alone!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You never know who you may help, sometimes I think we all just need to hear from someone who is going through the same thing we are & most times a friend or family member will not be able to share this experience with you so that should help some I would think. You are definitely not alone, but I do know the feeling. Keep reading & posting here & know there are women here who do care about your situation.

Thanks for all your support--Babygirl & KT

JT2 and Babygirl--I hope it looks up for you two soon.

KTbunch--
Thank you so much. THis roller coaster ride has just worn me out. It is so hard for me because H starts to get a little close and then as soon as he realizes that he is getting close he runs away and says all those things.

For instance when he brought our son back on last Saturday he then asked me to go to lunch but he doesn't enjoy spending time with me he says today.

This is the behavior that I don't really understand---doesn't seem to match his words.

Really hard for me to install Plan B--my parents live down the road and they don't know--I'm also afraid to tell them because I actually think H wants that because then he has more reason to be done--because he knows that it means I have given up hope.

I think to do a full fledge plan b I have to tell my parents whats going on so they know but I don't think that I want them to act as if they know.

Maybe i'm posting on the wrong board because this doesn't seem to have to do w/OW and her being pregnant now.

I guess I'm still hanging in there it is hard to give up when I look at my son--I always see H when I see son.


Always glad to hear from you all and just want Babygirl, Sunnydale and JT2 to know that you are in my thoughts and I pray for you guys.
Albany

Albany,

It sounds like you are no where near ready to do Plan B, only YOU will know when you are. Isn't not telling your parents just adding to the strain of everything else? Even if you dont' tell them about the OW & OC how long will you be able to hide the fact that H doesnt reside w/ you any longer?

Sounds like you should try to keep doing Plan A a while longer, don't push, let him tell you whatever it is he needs to say right now. If he decides to file for a D, there isn't anything you can do to stop him but I think maybe he wants you to do it so he is not the "bad guy" like someone else said.

Keep praying, know that you have done all you could before you Plan B, & don't stop posting here, I would miss you & I am sure others would too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thanks Babygirl

It is stressful for my parents not to know but I think it will be the last straw for them and I don't think they will forgive him for a third time and I made a promise to them the day before he told me about OW being pregnant that this was it and after this if it didn't work I would be done.

Stupid promise to make and hard to tell my parents since they just keep saying that they are proud of him for going to counseling--etc--which he won't go to MC anymore because he is done.

I hate living like this and just want to life back where I had a husband that lived with me and loved me.

I think that I will just give him some space for now--still says he told his parents yet his mom says that he hasn't.

Albany <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Albany,

That sounds like a plan to me, & no it won't be easy but he may need that time right now, once again the BW waiting. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Keep praying & God will answer you in his own time, & as KT says God does hate divorce, but you can only do so much. God has to touch your H's heart & uncloud his mind, he will, try & be patient.

Albany - I'm sorry, but I don't know your whole story. I'm just jumping in here, but it sounds like we are in the same boat right now.

Last week, I called OW to tell her that H has been lying to both of us and thought she should know. She ended the relationship - at least for the moment - I will never truly trust it is over until H is home. Anyway, H has been living in apt for 2 months now. Since OW ended things, he has done nothing but say things like "nothing matters any more" or "who cares", etc. I just wish he would open his eyes to see that he has a family that matters and that we all still care deeply for him. However, I have come to the realization that he has to come to that conclusion on his own - which I hope is quickly. Anyway, my point is that right now I have backed off. I have told H how I feel and that if he needs to talk I am here for him. I have just decided to live life for me and kids and try to give H space and support he needs. I hope that this will make him realize that his family is what is most important and that he will come home. I have started reading a book called Hope for the Separated by Gary Chapman. What I have read so far basically helps you to use the time you are separated to focus on improving yourself and hopefully then your marriage. It talks about some basic guidelines to use separation to move towards reconciliation instead of divorce through a Biblical viewpoint. You may want to check it out. It seems to be helping me focus on what I want and what God wants - which is for our marriage to survive.

BG93 - My thoughts are with you. I hope plan B opens your H eyes. Stay strong, keep the faith and be patient. I know this all seems like it has lasted forever, but remember this problem didn't happen overnight. It will not go away quickly either. I think it is kt that says that this is just a small part of your life. It is probably the worse thing we will ever go through, but in the end we will be stronger for it. We will survive - no matter what the outcome.

God Bless,
Kris

Okay you guys tomorrow is a new day and it will bring us something new good or bad I'm not sure but the way I see it is that we are alive and have wonderful children and that in itself is a great gift.

So I have made a promise to put a smile on my face and be happy because we are alive and healthy.

I guess I will put a lot trust and faith in gods hands and share with you what was once taught to me by a girlfriend in high school--If you love soemthing set it free and if it is meant to be it will come back.

So with Plan B and/or giving space yet being their for H (us being the strong ones--I swear we do it all--even give support when we are told we aren't wanted)we set them free so to speak and it is up to them to figure it out because we could tell them until we are blue in the face what they should do and will probably do--they won't do it until they see it for themselves and that is where faith, trust and yes patience as KrisM I believe said comes into play.

It sound so easy but if you are like me you want answers and tend to demand them--big LB but giving things time is hard for me.

So again tomorrow is a new day and when anyone reads this post I want you to put a big smile on your face and be happy and think of something that you are thankful for and tell yourself it will be okay--I have decided that is how I'm going to get through this--I'm probably rambling but I also think that when we do this that it makes us much more attractive to H.

So see you all tomorrow and I will try to find one positive thing to say in each post as it makes me feel better even though it seemd easier to be in the dumps and crawl up in a ball into our protective shells.

Albany

Hi Girls,

Albany, KT, BG93, and KrisM:

How are you today? I am doing much better since I read your post from yesterday. I spent the afternoon and evening with my H. We ran errands, had nails and feet done, went to dinner, picked up kids and watched the basketball game before putting kids to bed. It was great! The only problem is that I continue to push him to give me answers about our situation.

I think that I am repeating the cycle and pushing away. H says that he wants his family and is moving back in this weekend, he only asks that we try to rebuild and spend time together without constantly talking about OW & preg.

I want answers so bad that it is killing me. I don't know if I can wait. H said we have a lot of work to do which is true but how do I get over it. I keep rubbing salt in his wounds I think. I am not trying to but don't know what else to do.

H told me to let things unfold we'll get through it. H said that he knows he was 100% wrong and that he has hurt our family. He claims that he doesn't want her, But I keep on nagging him. He asked for a couple pf days to get his head together before coming home, I agreed but am scared that he is not coming even though he says he is.

It is almost like I am afraid to be patient, I feel like he won't pick me and our kids. I must let GOD lead me, but it is not what I have been doing. I don't want to be unhappy forever, I want him home ,but I don't want her in our lives either! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Please help me to be patient girls, if I don't I could lose him! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

PLEASE PRAY FOR ME!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

And I wish all of you the same blessings of a happy marriage. We must all learn to let go and let GOD.

It's easier said than done I know.

XOXOXOXO Ya

JT

JT2

I know what you mean with wanting all the answers and a plan--that is what drove my H to thinking he wasn't happy with me and then he moved out--I was very demanding--I was so afraid of it going south--and in reality I'm the one who sent it south.

At 6:30am this morning the phone rings and I know it must be H--no one else would call that early--figured he was on his way hom from work--he was--just called to let me know that he would bring fireplace wood from work over today after I get home before he goes to work--asked about work last night he chatted about it and I said I love you we had good conversation.

But HEY--DON'T FORGET HE IS DONE AND NEVER COMING BACK.

Well whatever--I was patient and didn't LB--so that is what I did that was positive--I go se our MC by myself today--as I have for weeks now.

Sunnydale, Babygirl, KrisM hope you are all having a great day--the weather is great here sunny, blue sky and a high of 74 to day and 77 on Sat. & Sun. Smile--the H's like that but what it really does is scare the **** out of them.

These games we have to play--I feel like I'm in junior high sometimes.

Catch you guys later!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Albany

How are you today? I am doing much better since I read your post from yesterday. I spent the afternoon and evening with my H. We ran errands, had nails and feet done, went to dinner, picked up kids and watched the basketball game before putting kids to bed. It was great!
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***********

wooohooo! that sounds like fuuuuunnn! good for you. Next week H and I are going for an overnighter in Vegas and I'm laughing @ myself because all I can think about it sleeping in a King size bed WITH OUT any tiny elbows, feet or hands digging into a rib, shoulder or face!!!!!!LOL LOL LOL and I'll be able to make the bed w/o the owners of these elbows feet and hands immediately JUMPING on it AND-----I WON'T even HAVE to make the bed, someone else will! But I think I might enjoy since it won't be immediately converted into a trampoline (unless H & I WANT it to! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> of course!) LOL LOL LOL


The only problem is that I continue to push him to give me answers about our situation.
I think that I am repeating the cycle and pushing away. H says that he wants his family and is moving back in this weekend, he only asks that we try to rebuild and spend time together without constantly talking about OW & preg.
********
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Even though H never chose to move out (but I chose to separate on d-day) he said the same exact things....for years. Yes, it will push him away but how do you fulfull your need for the truth?

A suggestion that seems to work; Appointments. Make an appointment to discuss your questions. It lets you both be aware and know what to expect. IT allows you to get your ??? answered AND enjoy some time w/ H outside of the appointment time knowing you will have a time to discuss everything...later. It allows H to relax around you and enjoy time together instead of being on guard that you will blindside him @ any moment.

I would add to this to have these appointment/Q&A sessions w/ the MC so if there is an answer that hurts the MC can help you both deal w/ it on the spot.

IF not that then @ least in a nuetral place. I think even going so far as to not do this @ home. I just thought of it because I was thinking what if you always talked 'privately' in your bedroom to avoid little ears(H & I do since it is the only room w/ a lock, besides bathroom). Good, but then do you want your bedroom to be the place associated w/ whatever ugly truths you may hear? Just a thought.

When suggesting this appointment approach I would also have both of you go over the Radical Honesty agreement. So you both are on the same page of what you expect by this 'honesty'.

I'm so glad that you were able to have some fun & enjoy each other! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks, KT, and Albany

I really needed to here that today. I will try to do what you suggested about the appointment times to talk. I definately think we need to go to a marriage counselor for that. My pastor want us to come to his couseling sessions.

I think that we could easily talk to him but am not sure H would feel 100% comfortable. If not then we have to go elsewhere. I am not even sure that H will do tha marriage counseling thing, but hopefully he can see that we need more help than just ourselves.

Communication has always been one of our problems. We tend not to discuss things just get angry when things don't go as we think they should.

H asked me what were some of the conditions of him coming home and I spoke a little on them and he agreed, but I was thinking of writing them down and letting him decide if he can live with that or should I just let him come home and we discuss them then?

Any comments?

JT