JT2

I would give H the list before and agree upon them beofre his return because otherwise you may be creating more heartache--he moves home you guys think it will be okay and then it isn't because you never talked about the terms and then H leaves again--have done that--it sucks.

My H and I tend to have communication problems too--didn't use to but I find that I don't tell him what I'm really feeling and then get angry at him when it doesn't go my way or my needs aren't met yet that isn't fair because I haven't told him of my needs.

Hang in there don't LB. Have a great day.

Albany

Hi JT2,

I am glad you had a good day yesterday, I hope today & this weekend will just get better & better! I think too that maybe you should write down what it is you expect from H when he returns, try to not have any misconceptions ya know. Be patient, & most of all don't LB!

Albany, & Kris I am glad you are both hanging in there. Focusing on God instead of your problem is defintely the way to go. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Well H & I had it out Wed. nite, I once again asked about the Plan B ltr. I wrote him, he said he partially read it but gave no answer.

I really got angry & really LB'd big time, screaming, throwing his clothes at him the whole nine. I told him I was going to call OW & tell her he needed somewhere to stay, pay her the same courtesy she paid me, he told me to call her, he doesn't know I have her cell # -holding on to that info. why I don't know, so I picked up his cell & he fought with me to get it back - had to protect her at all costs & he did. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Last nite I asked him if he wanted to me to pack his things & his reply was "who said I was going anywhere?"

I feel so trapped, I can't legally put him out & have no $ to take legal action right now so here I am, I don't want to wonder where he is or when he is coming home anymore, I don't understand how he can be so selfish & keep making me endure this. So now I am just trying to ignore him which will be really hard, but I have wrote the letter, he knows how I feel & what I want, so I will just try my best to act like he left, move on with MY life.

I keep praying that God will take the love I stupidly still feel for him out of my heart & let that help the pain go away.

Okay you two are falling apart on me--but hey that's what we are here for to help each other out.

Babygirl live for you right now--I know easier said than done--I have the hardest time with it myself.

Hang in there you are strong--I'm thinking of you. You need to do what is best for you ultimately.

Okay now I'm afraid to even tell you guys about my news-- <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I might get jinxed <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

H came over last night before he went to work--I'm not sure why <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> he didn't drive the truck which had the wood in it so he wasn't delivering wood <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Went well and I told him I miss just spending time with him and our son really misses him--said I care and love you.

Of course what do men always want and can only go without for so long and it is what has gotten us on this board??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Yeah well he wanted some of that interesting--but he is done and told me the other day that he doesn't want to do anything that I will hold against/use against him--really interesting.

Make the best of today you guys--keep your chins up we are all really great women.

Albany

As I just said, I'd like to line them all up & slap them!

I am gonna take care of me, what else can I do? I have copied the 180's & plan to follow some of them, since plan A didn't work & a true plan b can't work with him in the house. (see below)Since he is determined to stay in the house w/ me, we will see how he likes that.

Sooner or later he is gonna have to s&*t or get of the pot! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

DivorceBusting suggests doing a 180.
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore!
2. No frequent phone calls
3. Do not point out good points in marriage
4. Do not follow him around the house
5. Do not encourage talk about the future
6. Do not ask for help from family members
7. Do not ask for reassurances
8. Do not buy gifts
9. Do not schedule dates together
10. Do not spy on spouse
11. Do not say "I Love You"
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get
busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends,
etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start
the conversation) be scarce or short on words
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his
whereabouts, ASK NOTHING
17. You need to make your partner think that you have
had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you
are going to move on with your life, with or without
your spouse
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull
back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more
important, realize what he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show
your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him
someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which
may be a while)
21. Never lose your cool
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes
their feelings stronger)
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really
saying to you
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you
want to speak out
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh &
focus on all the other parts of your life that are not
in turmoil)
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any
words you can say or write
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you
are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with
your spouse
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than
50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in
absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad
you feel
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

Albany,

P.S. I am back together now, no more screaming, throwing or phone swiping! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

And I am glad you shared a good evening w/ H. They are so full of it aren't they? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

You think maybe it is his pride and/or guilt that won't let him admit his true feelings?

Keep praying.

It could very well be--and if that is the case you can't run from it forever--one day you have to deal with it.

Albany

Ain't that the truth.

Just called H left him a message, told him I hoped he was home packing & if he not & he wants to stay - FINE. Told him see ya when I see ya.

I'm on to the 180's. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Okay I hope you guys had a good weekend

My H went camping Saturday night--we had major fight Saturday before he went.

He couldn't reach me later on Saturday and panicked i believe called and left message and ran me down at me parents--said he would come for Easter dinner if I wanted him two or I could tell my parents he was at work that night. H said he wasn't sure that he wanted my parents to know.

Sunday he came over around 2:30pm was fine until about 20 minutes before dinner and my parents arriving--I asked for a hug and he wouldn't give me one and said that he was still done and coming to dinner meant nothing.

It ended kind of bad last night he said he just wants no Questions or arguements--but is done right now--I told him I was worn out and that I getting nothing in return from him and he said move on.

Yet his actions don't mimic his words and I still don't think he wants me to tell my parents--he said to last night before he went home but that is because he was mad.

He also stated last night he wants to escape the questions and wants us to get along which why things are good I think until I ask one little question and then turns and says he is done. If I don't ask any questions or respond to any of his I'm done then life is fine.

Hope to hear from you guys. I will tell you that I'm painting my living room--he won't like that I'm sure--also still won't move out his stuff.

Albany

Girl,

What is up with him??? He doesn't want you to tell your parents but he has no problem telling you he's done, when you ask too many questions - I don't get it at all.

If he was really truly done, he would want your parents & anyone else who need to know to know, & he would have his stuff out of your home. It really sounds to me like he is playing a game with you. He is sending mixed messages for what reason though. So you won't move on? I don't know what to tell you, except how much longer do you want to put up with this, someone has to make a choice. He knows what he wants & it sounds like he wants it ALL to keep telling you it is over but let you hang on to the fact that he hasn't completely moved out, wants your parents to think everything is ok, so if he comes home they will be none the wiser. Sounds very selfish of him to me.

My weekend was o.k. H & I are saying Hi & bye basically. I am doing Plan B the best I can with him in the house. I won't have $ to file until Aug., don't know how I am gonna make it that long, I really want him gone. Tired of the same ol' crap. He left home at noon yesterday, I was asleep when he came in. Sat. pretty much the same way. I did have a good day yesterday, my son & I saw the "Passion" & my God daughter came over & ate w/ my family. She really lights up my life. So I am sorry your weekend wasn't better but it looks like you are gonna have to take control of your life & make some hard choices about H.

Albany,

Limbo sucks doesn't it? He's not out, because he's intentionally keeping his stuff there. He's not in, because he's constantly reminding you he cares nothing for your feelings.

Are you ready for Plan B - in your situation, I'd actually be considering the big D just to secure your interests before OW completely bleeds it all away to her side.

You know they just can't make up their minds when you push I guess--I'm not making excuses--don't get me wrong.

When I start to pull away and do my own thing he just freaks.

I would like to come to dinner he says and when he is their he says this doesn't change anything--I'm still done--then why come to dinner??

I think the fact that he wanted to come to dinner means something and the fact when I said I couldn't take it anymore and would tell my parents--then he calls me in panic and says he doesn't want to leave us fighting when he won't have phone reception for 24 hours and he states I don't know if I want you to tell your parents(that was Sat.) and yesterday go ahead tell them he says when he comes over before dinner.

I want you all to know I'm going to try plan B--it is just hard to act indifferent when you so much want to reach out and tell them I love You.

Any thoughts??

Albany

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I want you all to know I'm going to try plan B--it is just hard to act indifferent when you so much want to reach out and tell them I love You.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you sure you can handle Plan B right now? The only thing I was saying is that as long as you let him go back & forth & not be totally honest about his feelings & what it is he REALLY wants to do, he will keep you hanging like this. My H is doing the same thing in some ways with me right now, when I act like I really care & question him a lot he pulls away, get defensive. When I act like I don't care do my own thing, he starts to question me. When I wrote the Plan B ltr. he says he doesn't want to go, is not giving up, not trying either though - sitting on the fence, having his cake & eating it too. Why is he doing this? Because I allow him too, I wouldn't leave either if I could be in a marriage & not act like a husband & still reap the benefits!

As for Plan B, yes if you still love your H so it will be hard, but if you have no contact, that makes it much easier than trying to deal w/ H sending you these mixed signals. He will have to get off the fence then because you won't be playing the game anymore, he will know you mean business & you are not going to allow him to control your future anymore. Yes you run the risk of him never coming home but the alternative is to keep living like this, can you do that?

Well my plan B will be modified because I will let him to house but I won't act as if he is their--I don't what elso to do because I can't keep doing this and I think this is the only thing that might wake him up--he is like your H doesn't totally want to go but doesn't want to make it work--I know he says he is done but then why does he not move out his crap get D paperwork going??

Albany

He won't move on anything such as a divorce or moving out completely because he doesn't have to! He knows you will be there for him. I don't mean to sound so negative, but I don't see how you can Plan B w/ contact? That is what I am attempting to do & it is driving me crazy, I still love my H but I love myself more & to continue allowing him to use me this way is not right & for what reason so HE can satisfy himself. It is not right.

Do you really think you can see H, have him in your house & act indifferent? How is that sending any type of message to him other than he can keep playing this game with you?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by albany:
<strong> Well my plan B will be modified because I will let him to house but I won't act as if he is their--I don't what elso to do because I can't keep doing this and I think this is the only thing that might wake him up--he is like your H doesn't totally want to go but doesn't want to make it work--I know he says he is done but then why does he not move out his crap get D paperwork going??

Albany </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you do a "Plan B" this way, he will perceive coldness - you want to leave him with memories of you as a warm, loving woman who stood by him beyond what his OW would tolerate.

Here's something powerful to consider, from the words of Don Miguel Ruiz (THE FOUR AGREEMENTS)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In your whole life nobody has ever abused you more than you have abused yourself. And the limit of your self-abuse is exactly the limit that you will tolerate from someone else. If someone abuses you a little more than you abuse yourself, you will probably walk away from that person. But if someone abuses you a little less than you abuse yourself, you will probably stay in the relationship and tolerate it endlessly. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wish every BS would internalize that fact because the reality of this is so hard to accept but once you realize that you have tolerated his abuse far beyond what you need to, you will take self-affirming steps to stop his abuse.

For example, self-affirming steps I might see you take is to

#1 STOP protecting him from the consequences of his behavior. Stop keeping his secret. He cannot treat you with more hatred and indifference than he is right now - he keeps your nose rubbed in his affair excrement and expects you to not let anyone know what he did. Albany - it's not your mess to clean up.

#2 TAKE care of yourself. Be an attractive woman - Plan A is not about being a doormat. It's about making a decision to step beyond the emotion of the moment - the feelings of betrayal, and choose the feelings and thoughts for the day. This is the power of Plan A because you know if you can be a loving, vibrant and exciting alternative to OW during the worst of times, you don't need him to rescue you during Plan B.

You cannot modify Plan B. If you want to read Plan B h*ll stories, read up on Terrified on the General Questions Board, or Lefty. Sadly the Plan A/Plan B guidelines were modified in many many cases and the marriage predictably failed. If you want your tortured life to have a positive change, you have to stop living around your husband and draw some healthy boundaries.

Hey girls!

Albany, sounds like your H is confused. This is what I have been doing lately. I don't ask the questions, as much as I want to know. I don't push the issue at all. If H wants to talk about anything, he brings it up. I have just decided to back off and see what happens. I am not going to make any progress w/ my M if I am constantly trying to get him to talk when he is not ready. My H has brought up the subject some lately, but I try to give him an objective opinion and go from there. I figure until he is over OW, I will just be pounding my head against the old brick wall. Of course, my H is not living at home. So when he is uncomfortable, he just leaves. Which I try not to let bother me. I really am just trying to be patient.

My H showed up at the house Friday. The kids and I were outside doing yard work - or at least I was. I heard my D yell, "Daddy" and there he was. It was a nice surprise. I told him I was glad to see him because he could take over the work. We kind of joked around for a while and then he went in the house to use Bowflex. I just continued to do what I was doing. I had things I wanted to get done, and I wasn't going to let his presense change that. I think if he sees that I am not going to bend over backwards when he appears, then he will realize that things don't bother me so much any more. And really, the things don't bother me so much any more. At first, I would get upset over every little thing. I have decided it is not worth it. I know in my heart that God is working on saving my marriage. I trust that he will guide me to do and say the right things at the right time. And I can see small changes happening with my H too. It will be a long road to recovery, but I think we may be making some baby steps.

H also showed up at house on Easter. The kids and I were still at my parents. I saw that we missed him when we got home so I called. I asked him if he wanted the kids and I to come to the apartment. He sounded happy that I made the effort. We went to see him and we talked some. He said OW left him a nasty note on his door. Said she never loved him and that she used him. Says he needs to take responsibility, etc., etc. H says he has seen a new side to her. Not the woman he thought she was, and I can tell that what she said hurt him. I feel bad that he has to go through this, but he did create this situation. Anyway, if OW continues to act like this, I hope H will realize who she really is and will decide to work on us. I am still not pushing and definitely trying not to get my hopes up, but maybe there is still a glimmer of hope. God does work miracles - maybe mine is in the works. H also said that he had a dream that we divorced, but remarried 2 years later. I just looked at him and said why bother with the divorce. I want to believe that even though he still mentions divorce, that he still has feelings for me and that is why he has not filed.

BG93 - I hope things are going better with you and H. I keep praying your H will see the light soon.

Talk to you all soon. Sorry I was so long winded tonight.

God Bless,
Kris

Hi Kris,

I was wondering how you were doing also, glad to hear you are doing well & seeing some progress. Sounds like you are working Plan A to the fullest & seeing a payoff for your efforts. I am so glad to hear some good news. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

God can do anything but fail so if you keep making it comfortable for H letting your home be a place of refuge, he will soon be home, OW showing her true colors so soon helps tremendously too. Seems as if the "witch" in my life is a little smarter than that she provides the comfort & refuge I guess, oh well, at this point all I can really say is --whatever. He will see her for what she is one day.

Keep up the good work! God does answer prayer!

BG93 - Please don't give up too soon. I am the eternal optimist, and I believe that your M will survive. Your faith is strong, as is your love for your H. Let God take over this rotten stuff and let him deal with your H. You need to focus on your day to day life and not focus on all the crap your H has given you. If your H sees you happy and living your life, it will make him wonder why he is not a part of it. At least that is my hope. Hang in there, in the end it will all be worth it.

Kris

Kris,

Thanks for your words of encouragement, tomorrow will be the one yr. anniversary of my H coming home & nothing is any better, nothing has changed, I have tried to have faith about this, & I know I have not always been the "model christian wife" & that there are many things that I should have done differently & I feel like it may be too late for anything to turn around.

I know all the things I say to you & other people telling you to hold on, be strong, have faith etc. of course it is easy to say to others & so hard to live for yourself. I am just about finished reading SAA & the rules we need to follow are very out of reach, I am willing of course but he is not. He is too busy being selfish & living in his only little world & right now that doesn't include caring about me & what I want much less our M. He feels I will always be here no matter how much he lies, cheats & uses me. His daughter & OW are much more important to him than I will ever be. I have to accept that as much as it hurts & move on & right now Plan A is not going to work for me it is just too hard, it would be much easier for me to not have him here anymore.

They say it is always darkest before the dawn, my dawn may be me being on my own, if so I can handle it, anyway I know I wont' really be alone, God will be with me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />