Sunny,

Thinking of you, how is everything going?

I pray all is well.

I'm doing fine right now. We went to the cabin had a great time. Even though all three of us have come down w. a really bad cold. A friend went w/ us and she kinda talked to him, while I was napping and he told her we where first and he wasn't going to let OW or anything come between us. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I just need to give alittle space and like I said my attorney is getting the papers ready and if and when I need to file them I will. Its funny there where no hang up calls, no calls on his cell from her. He told my friend that he knew OW was playing games and he wasn't going to let it effect us. I think in time the contact will cease, at least the bs contact, and just be about the OC. At least that is what I am hoping will happen. So we will see. Thanks for asking and how are you doing. Plan A is really har to do isn't it. I guess I'm kinda starting over w/ it.

Glad to here it is going well. My thoughts are with you.

Plan A is extremely hard to follow and I failed with it one day over the weekend--it is tough--I let my hurt extreme sadness and hurt take over and it came out as anger.

My thoughts are truly with you and Babygirl--we are all somewhat in the same boat.

I just hope that my h is not serious about being done this time.

I'm thinking that he isn't because he hasn't told his parents that he is done.

Albany

My H said he was not going anywhere but I know there is still contact going on. i'm having a hard time w/ dealing w/ that. I've seen her number on his phone about once a week and she has called the house when he doesn't return her calls. Maybe he does it because he feels sorry for her, maybe he doesn't want her mad, she is so crazy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> He just wants everything to be calm. I think he is holding some of his feeling in and I know he must be under stress and I've told him I will be there. It is true when the OW is bashing you, and your not bashing them its better. She is still bashing me and he told my friend that she is tring to play all the games. So I will support him and try not to lose my cool when I see her number. When I do ask, he does tell me that he has talked to her. He's not lieing about talking to, but really the idea of not knowing for sure on what they are talking about is hard. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Today is good, tomorrow I will get ready for and the future is bright, no matter what happens.) I have to keep this idea up and just let the lord take me and my M where he will. (Which is very hard to do sometimes) I have to keep off of the TOW board, cause they are there to create doubt and they can. So for the other Nebees they don't really need to go there either. Those folks are out there!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Sunny,

I am glad to hear OW has calmed down for the moment & that H is seeing a little light in the "fog".

I wish there was someone who could talk to my husband & help him see light. His mom & other family members see me as the villan in all this, & any "friends" he has I don't even know & they could care less about his marriage.

Albany, Plan A is extremely hard to follow, I LB'd big time over the weekend cuz I let my anger take over, my situation is so far gone, I think Plan A is maybe too late? Yeah we are all in the same boat with different colors it seems. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

It sure is hard to do--when we are the ones that have to stop the cycle of feeding off of each other.

Like I said I hope my H is not done as he did not tell his parents he is done this weekend. He did tell his mom that he just wants to be happy and not argue.

I so love busted this weekend--I'm so mad at myself--It was all in my power not to let that happen--ignore it if he did--I know better

So if we know better than why do we fall into that trap???

I hope my MC has good stuff to say today--I'm going to tell her that I pretty much ruined Sunday by letting what H said--that he was still done--hurt me on Saturday night and then so that on Sunday as anger--and of course his response to Sunday's behaviour is that he is totally done now.

Just wanting some comfort and hope and like I said my thoughts are with both you and Sunny.

I tried to reinstate Plan A--called and left H a voice mail that I hoped he had a good day at work and that he was welcome to take our son tonight after he got off work.

That's all the more I'm calling him because he says I have backed him into a corner again and I think he needs some time to heal a little from the bad experience Sunday left--I just keep beating myself up for letting it end on such a bad note Sunday.

Albany <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Like I said I hope my H is not done as he did not tell his parents he is done this weekend. He did tell his mom that he just wants to be happy and not argue.

I so love busted this weekend--I'm so mad at myself--It was all in my power not to let that happen--ignore it if he did--I know better

So if we know better than why do we fall into that trap???</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Albany,

I wish I knew, I did the same thing. With me I know it is just the anger & frustration of it all, I have been going through this almost 2 years & I still can't seem to control myself, even when I tell myself I will try. My H says the same thing, I don't want to argue, but he doesn't want to do the right thing either

You are doing the right thing though, get right back on track w/ Plan A, H's defense mode goes up easily so LBing accomplishes nothing.

Try to stay calm, I will keep telling myself that too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I will try plan a again--it seemed to help alot last week even though H acts as if it didn't when he comments about last week--but I don't think that he is being truthfull with me about that--he was relaxed enough at our house when he came over to take a bath and a nap and be intimate which he now claims he shouldn't have because it gives me the wrong idea and I will use against him.

Anyway will give you a report after counseling appt.

Wonder if H will call in regards to voicemail I left him.

Keep your chin up.

I'm trying to keep mine up.

Albany

My MC thinks that he is not yet done--or why is he going to IC to help him deal with seiing me with someone else.

We also think that last week he made babysteps forward but when you point those out to him--which of course I did than he feels cornered/pressured and goes backwards which is exactly how he acts if I point out the little babysteps he or we took.

We also talked about how I obsess about it and call him on it repeatedly once he upsets me--I hate to admit but I have bothered him numerous phone calls in a row when I'm all upset.

I'm OCD and we think I need to up my paxil dosage because this has consummed me so much that i can't even hardly have a good time--I have an extemely hard time not thinking about and not talking about to him or my friends.

We both agree that giving him space is good and I should move forward and if he wants to catch up than he will.

He isn't taking our son tonight because he is taking someone from work to have an MRI. I called after MC appt. and left voicemail to have a great day and that I want him to be happy.

He returned my call and left me a voicemail while I was away from my desk and said that he appreciated that and would talk to me tomorrow about having our son later this week on his days off--he work a rotating shift that is four days on and four days off.

I so much want to call him--but I can't let myself he needs the space and needs to see me moving forward.

Oh you guys I just want him back so badly. Just want him to hold me and I want someone to sleep next too.

Another bit of food for thought. this past summer when we were seperated and supposedly done--we had the the divorce all finished and agreed upon--remember the divorce was what he wanted not me--but there was not argueing with him--I went and signed the papers but he couldn't never do it.

He actually called me the night I had signed them completely broken up and unhappy--he didn't decided he wanted to come back for another 3 months but he could never sign the divorce papers.

So what are your thoughts on that tid bit???

Albany

Gee,

I dont' know what to say about that one other than "fog". I have also told my H that I was filing for D, saw 4 lawyers & he always insists that he is not quitting doesn't want a D.

Maybe it is just confusion on his part, he has started this A, & can't seem to let go of either of you, but he obviously knows he doesn't want to not be married to you anymore. I don't know Albany, it is like they are under some kind of spell. ( the devil at work).

All you can do is pray while working plan A that God will lead you & your M where he wants it to be like Sunny said. It is a very hard thing to do though.

Keep the faith! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I think I left wrong impression--he hasn't had any contact with other women for 1 1/2 months--He just doesn't like how we are right now--neither of us are happy with the arguements and all the LBing.

So he's saying he loves me but we can't be married because we just don't work.

He called me three times while I was mowing the lawn last night--I finally heard my phone the third time.

I asked why he was calling and he said to make sure I got his message--kind of strange because his message wasn't one you would expect someone to respond to--it was thanking me for saying have great day and glad you're happy.

He seems like he just had to call and have contact because I was so upbeat and unshaken during my conversation with him yesterday. He is trying to figure out where he stands with me when I'm like that.

What do you think of the phone call last night???

It doesn't seem like it was necessary!!!!

Albany

Sounds like he is scared & unsure what to make of you right now to me, when I was separatedthe times when H & I had a blow out & then I have come back & responded calmly, non-chalantly as if everything was just peachy, he didn't know what to do, was calling me, making nonsense conversation just to talk, I think to feel me out & try to see where my head was.

After our 2 hour talk last nite, which ended on a so-so note. I called him an hour ago to say hi & ask about his day, acted like no bad issues were hanging over my head at all, he was surprised, said he was going to call me but I beat him to it & he will call me later today, we'll see.

I was confused about your H & OW, what is she going to do about OC? How does he feel about contact or not? So it is just about him sorting out his feelings for you & your M right now?

Sounds like you are doing pretty well w/ Plan A, if you can keep up the upbeat attitude & not LB you should keep seeing these kind of results from H I would think. But what do I know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

It is about him sorting out feelings for us--he says he loves me --doesn't see me as a wife right now--after reading a lot on this sight--I see we have loved busted for a very long time and I believe that is why he feels the way he does.

Last contact with OW she said she wanted $$ but didn't want him involved with C. He said you don't get it both ways--I have rights to see C and he said I know that I could probably prove you unfit and get custody of C which scared her & her mom ****less.

Since that heated conversation he hasn't heard anything and thinks that they may not want anything from him--which I said that it is up to him but he better make them sign off his parental rights in that case so that they can't come back later and demand CS.

Right now none of that is really concerning me--probably him but you know it isn't really my worry.

We just bite at each other and argue about if he should go or stay. The more I say to stay the more he pulls away and we fight--really we aren't fighting over anything that should require fighting--almost like fighting to fight--it is stupid.

That's why I have to follow plan a and not LB or be disrespectful, etc. I say I have to because he was my behavioural and emotional lead.

I think that I will offer that he can watch our son at our house on Friday & not his apt. that way when I arrive home I should be able to have contact with him that can be positive and upbeat--right now I'm trying to find ways to have positive interactions without being pushy, demanding, etc. and not have him realize it is happening--since when he does--he withdraws.

I think you are totally right-he is at a loss when I'm fine and also wants to be around me because I'm so upbeat and I think he is afraid of being left behind when I pick up the pieces and begin to move forward.

I have to make him realize that this where he wants to be. He says he truly loves me but wants us to be happy and not argue and is afraid we can't so he is opting out in my opinion.

Glad your conversation went well--things are looking up--keep up the plan a and positive thoughts and attitude.

Albany

Albany,

That would be good for you if H signed away his rights & had NC w/ OC, seems as if that is the best route to go to keep your marriage together from what I've read here.

We both had better keep reminding each other to stop the LBing & stay positive & upbeat. I have that in mind everytime but when I open my mouth with H but it happens anyway. I have to try harder to stop that!

The more you show him that you can talk without fighting it will make you more attractive & keep him wanting to figure out what is up w/ you & not want you to move on without him!

I will keep telling myself that too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I'm so with you! I have every good intention not to argue, demand, disrespect or LB and then somehow he sets me off and I open my mouth and he has brought the worst in me right out.

Just like last Friday night--we were great until he told me that Sunday he had taken the day off work to spend with our son and his parents--but I was pissed because that was the first it was ever mentioned to me. Oh it sent me through the roof--and I shouldn't have let it--I should remained calm but oh no the fight was on--and I could have stopped it.

So you think having him have son at our house Friday while I'm at work is good or bad??? I was hoping it would allow good conversation or interactive time.


I will keep positive because when I do that I don't tend to LB.

My thoughts are with you.

Albany

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So you think having him have son at our house Friday while I'm at work is good or bad??? I was hoping it would allow good conversation or interactive time. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am not sure, it may be better for your son, since he can stay at home & be comfortable. Do you think it would give H a reason to stay longer & talk more, as opposed to dropping him off? Yeah I guess I would see if he goes for that, does he know where you are going? Make sure you look really nice & be in a really good mood, when you come back whether he sticks around to talk or not.

If he objects to staying at your home for whatever reason - don't LB even if you are disappointed.

Your question was so simple - so why is answering it so complicated??????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Okay Sunnydale---

Really want to hear from you--don't want to but you out of your own thread--I was hoping between you and Babygirl we could all help each other out.

Thinking of you.

Albany

Hey you two bbg93 & albany! Man I have been so busy today at work. Bummer! I know it is so hard to keep our mouth shut but I've learned I have to really pick what I want to make an issue out of. Somethings just aren't worth the fight! Like yesterday I went to the Doc and got off early he called and I met him at the store and he wanted to meet me home for some (special) time alone! Well OW called him, I saw on his phone later that night at about that time. It was a missed call and he didn't check his mail or call her back. Unless he cleared it. And last night was telling me he would have to work late tonight. Well he doesn't know I'm looking at his phone, haven't told him that " I know your talking to her ect" but kinda ask have you? And so far he has been honest. So I got to thinking it was weird for her to call so late in the day, most calls are early. I read somewhere on here about the man not loving his wife and printed it. So I sat down last night and wrote a 4 page letter. It said what our marriage ment to me and where we are and where I look forward to being. Never said her name or talked about the calls. Just reminded him of his commentment to us. And what he has told us he wanted to be w/ us. I told him along time ago that we lost what was important to each other. I din't care what he wanted or needed and vis versa. And when he moved back home I promised him if it was important to him than it was equally important to me. So far I have managed to show him that also. If he liked my hair a certain way then I put it that way. I actually had my hair done the same way it was when we where dating. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I guess to remind him of the person maybe that I once was and could be again. It worked he loves it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Oh back to the letter. My idea was if he was planning something maybe he would read it and think about it. But I put it in his lunch box. So before lunch he came by work and told me he found it. He said he enjoyed it and PS he's not working late now. Going home, start dinner and spend sometime w/ his favorite girls! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I don't know if he and the OW had plans, but I think God had a reason for me staying up til 12:30 am doing this letter! I really think these men are confused and the OW are helping them stay confused. And our jobs as their wives to remind them that we once loved each other and can again more than ever! I know I love my H more today, than I ever have and God is working on him. To help clear his head and show him where he needs to be and feel like he is forgiven. We talked about the OC, OW and try to put an end date. Like ok we will have our talk and after such and such date we don't dewell on it or bring it back up in a way that is throwing it in someones face. We still talk about things but I try to let him bring up stuff. That way we can get past it and go on. If I forgive you than like God it is on the ocean floor ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I'm trying to get stronger and not let the devil take my mind over and plant things there. I know I really can come up w/ the worst of stuff when that happens. I'm trying to let God touch his heart, hes the only one that can mend it. He's been the only one to mend mine. I'll have to get ya'll (can you tell I'm from the south!) the bible verses in my bible study on forgiveness. It really what you have to do in order to get back close to God and your H! I didn't want anything in between me and God or H so I had to learn to forgive in the untimate way. I have you both on my mind and in my prayers. You know you can't have too many praying for you !!!

Ab & bbg93. Just an idea that I did and worked good in my case. I invited him to dinner, made his favorite, used the "Dinning Room Table" and the "Fine china". Made our time special. Ask him to movies w/ me and D. If the C is around then I knew we wouldn't be able to talk about the BAD things going on, just enjoyed our time together. Called him for lunch dates. We went to the park and semi-made out! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Had certian times to talk about the voodoo in our relationship and then dropped it till the next voodoo date. This had been really hard but it works better than fighting all the time. I wanted him to go home and miss me!! I put cards in his truck, put "special clothing" in his lunch box.Which even though he went home I sent him home w/ his lunch for the next day. OOPS where did those come from? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Even rubbed his feet w/ lotion just to make him feel good. And make it better when he rubbed them on me !! I think if you show someone they are special they are going to be thinking about you. I don't want him to not think about us so I continue to do these things. Remember the OW have stolen the SPECIAL times away from us and it up to us to get them back and create new and better ones. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> They remind them of the Bad days of our M and we have to cover it up with better days. If ya'll have any ideas I would love to hear them on special things to do!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I'm running out of ideas but God seems to pop them in when I most need them! LOL

Sunny, I was about to say the same thing, where are you, this thread was about you !!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I am overjoyed to hear some good news for a change, sounds as if you are truly letting God take control of your actions in this situation. Your post has inspired me so much & I am going to copy some of the things you have been doing. I attempted to start a weekly time to "talk" w/ H about issues, didn't go so well, but I am going to do better next time.

I have definitely been letting the devil put thoughts in my head & then they come out my mouth w/ accusations & other hurtful things that I do. I have to stop, be still & let God touch his heart as well. That has been my prayer but I have not waited for God to answer it.

It is truly spiritual warfare for our H's and our marriages, I know & have known it along but let myself get caught up in being "Ms. fix it" & trying to handle this on my own, it is not my battle but the Lord's!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I am praying for you too Sunny, Albany & all the hurting BS on this board.

If I think of any ideas I will let you know, right now I am gonna be too busy stealing yours! (LOL) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />