I'm just curious.

I struggle w/ being jealous of the fact that H was able/got the chance/had the opportunity to throw caution to the wind and just "feel good", let go of all responsibility and idea of "doing what's right" and caring about anyone besides himself.

Then when whatever made him decide he was done, here I am-----and here I am taking on MORE responsibility. He got to "check out" and go have some carefree fun, left me with ALL the responsibility, then comes back and I have MORE responsibility.

And since I am the "mom" and OC is a girl, even more so. I have the majority burden of caring for her, like ALL the children.

Don't get me wrong it's not just about OC, even if there was none, I would still be upset about the "fun" he had while I was @ home wondering and despairing over what was happening to "us". Having no idea why he was so distant.

I am not full of despair now or hopelessness, I'm past that consuming me, (at least most days).

But on days when it's extra hectic, it triggers this. On days when H has to work extra and OC is here, I get a little unnerved and want to say-----hey this is YOUR child, YOU take care of her, (OC is not bad, just the feeling I get) Or I want to call OW and say, "come and get OC".

I don't consider OC "disposable" but I don't always feel OC is MY responsiblity either as I do about my own children.

I think, I was "left behind" in real life during A, to deal w/ day to day things and trying to sort out a "marriage" all by myself and then here I am, still in real life, cleaning up the mess.

I am jealous of that. I think to myself, when do I get to forget everything, not care about anyone but myself and have someone just there for ME and ONLY me. When do I get to not have to worry about any one else feelings, not care about "doing what's right", and not have to face the daily reality.

Then when I'm done having my fun, come home and have a spouse who will help me "repair" all the damage I've done and still take care of ME and still get MY needs met AND even a spouse who will take on some of the responsibility of fixing this mess that I create. I will also be able to get understanding and have someone sensitive to my feelings of "neglect" and understand my need to "not want to talk about it" AND the need to "put it all behind me".

When do I get to say JUST F IT and YOU?

I don't say this meaning I want to end my marriage or anything. I love my H. He has been working a lot lately and we have a whole "bunch" to deal w/ every day and they produce a ton of laundry so some days I feel JEALOUS. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I think I want to have A, and all the warm fuzzy feelings that brings, all the ego boost and gratification, all the ME ME ME time. I want to be able to zone out all sense of obligation, duty and morals and feel 'ok' w/ it. ''

Hey I want to HAVE MY CAKE AND EAT IT TOO!!!!!!!!

I'm tired of being so RESPONSIBLE.

That is just how I am--responsible. I have never blamed my choices on ANYONE, good or bad, I take all the credit. I am responsible. I know that.

Got pg @ 19, no whining, I know what it meant to have sex, so......grow up I did, as best as I could. Got married, tried to make a life, taking care of me, H and baby. I made my choices.

When do I get to run away from my responsibilities and have someone else take care of them for me?

Am I supposed to be flattered that H trusted me enough to ditch/betray me and my son to get his ego "stroked" (pun intended <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> )knowing I would "take care of things"? Someone had to be the 'adult' here right?

I know if I ever did something like this--------if I just 'checked out' one day------everything would fall apart.

Do you know what I mean? I'm not really expecting any answer, just venting mostly.

Does anyone else ever feel this way though?
Are you jealous of all the "fun" WS was able to have?

Yes, I know there is remorse AFTERWARDS and pain but also for me, BS, so then we are "even" in that sense but where's MY fun and ...........whatever?

I think that is another problem I have, my sense of 'fairness' and I know that 'this' will NEVER be FAIR.

I know.

Just had to let it out so as to not go off on my H after long days @ work-----for us----and ruin our evenings together.

I try to comfort myself thinking this must be how God feels about me every time I do something to betray Him. So who am I to complain?

<small>[ March 31, 2004, 06:21 PM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>

Jealous? Of what? Haha.

Yeah, I was jealous early on but not for years now. That first year I had all kinds of "images" but none of them were even close to reality. You'll find as you heal and your marriage recovers, the jealousy will fade. The truth is that the OW are far more jealous of the W than you are of them, which explains the attitude of your XOW. But that fades for her in time too, when she gets her own life going and she isn't focused on you or your husband and family...and maybe meets someone and creates her own family.

When Bipolar came home and we had all our talks and negotiations, he would tell me the things she (OW) would ask and say and it was amazing stuff and I bet that her jealousy of me is pretty much standard issue for most OW (predictable stuff) for the W's of the XMM. So don't worry about your jealousy...yours probably isn't as bad or intense as hers is and it will go away a lot faster. You'll also come to realize that the "fun" you think your H had is nothing compared to the fun he has with you.

Finally...try to keep your mind focused in "today" and "tomorrow" rather than in yesterday. The A is the demarcation point between what life was like before and what it is like now. I think what you really might be feeling is resentment (rather than jeaousy) at having so much responsibility (with good reason). The abandonment you experienced when your H left and had the A isn't really something to be jealous of since, trust me, it sounds a lot more exciting and glamourous than what it actually was. It wasn't fulfilling or all that great. You could have a two weeks spa vacation and get far more pleasure out of it than he did running around.

Catnip =^^=

<small>[ March 30, 2004, 11:32 PM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

thanks cat.

being jealous of having no responsibility...man can I relate to that these days. Doesn't every mother go through that when they are home taking care of the kids? I am jealous of his ability to leave the house at will while I struggle to get to the damn grocery store. I know...the bed I made...

To add to what Cat said...yes I was hugely jealous during the affair, I think most OW's are. By the time his wife knew about me and could be jealous, it was over...and there was nothing left to be jealous of. Cat's right think of today and tomorrow...think of all you have, that she never really did. What is left to be jealous of?

Well, maybe a kid free day...now that's sounds envy worthy right about now.

Another thing Cat is right about...at least in my case...she will move on. Takes time but if I can, anyone can. Now if only I could find a sitter so I could go out and find that man to have a family with <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Still being in the midst of the A, I in no way feel jealous of H and OW. I cannot believe H would abandon his 2 precious children to live a life of deceit. How much fun can that be? He is missing out on something more precious and will regret it when all is said and done. I love my kids with all my heart and could not imagine walking out on them for one moment, let along a day, week, month, etc. I'll take the dirty laundry any day.

Kris

Ironically Kris, I feel exactly the same way. How could he see her born and walk away? I no longer am jealous of them, all I have to do is look into my daughters eyes and know that I have what really matters to me.

KT,

Being much newer to this whole stupid situation, I would have to say I'm not jealous just BAFFLED in a big way. Of all the emotions I have rolled through in the past month I think that my amazement at how H was so irresponsible (so unlike him) is almost the most overwhelming feeling I have at times.

How he could risk his wife, his family, his life, his reputation, EVERYTHING, and throw it all to the wind for this most irresponsible act. I will never understand it......EVER. He still can't answer this question and it drives me crazy. He says he was lonely...it was a connection. Whatever.

Dontcha just wanna yell..."Then buy a dog!" ?

I guess in a way they did...

So with on that last comment Cat!!!

I'm not jealous--hurt and amazed that this act was commited by my H who is normally very responsible--really amazed by the whole pregnancy and trust by in OW to actually be taking BC when in fact she doesn't seem to have been.

I also often look at my son and wonder how H could experience the birth and betray us like that--not to mention our son.

Albany

I'm not jealous of OW. NO WAY! OW is not a threat to me in anyway----and obviously, never really was! HA!

But I get jealous/envious of the "idea", sometimes, of being able to just let go and be free!

maybe it's that "idea" of the 'harried housewife' fantasy of someday running away! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

H got to have his chance @ 'running away' from it all---that irresponsibility--that lasted more than a moment---that 'escape'.

what do I get? To pick up the peices, clean up the mess. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

THAT'S what irks me! The worry free existance he got to enjoy. H A wasn't the sneaking around, making up lies to conceal it 'type'. It was @ work w/ a co-worker, nothing unusual looking to lie about. So literally, it was 2 separate lives, one @ work (carefree) and the one @ home (real life). Like taking a drug to 'forget the pain'. Yah, that's exactly how it was!

I know it will never make sense. I have to focus on MY life and the good in it, even if that includes responsibility right?

I KNOW everything I SHOULD do------that's why I have always done it---because I SHOULD, and it's RIGHT!

I guess I have a problem w/ doing right because it's right. I'm attracted to the 'idea' of recklessness but have never done it because I'm too mature to risk everything, always thinking ahead, not impulsive, make good and safe decisions.

I am the type of person that, even in the very heat of rage and anger would not tear up a photo of a loved one because I know I might regret it later! LOL yep that's me!

I guess I should be thankful for all the self-control I have been blessed w/ or else I'd be in jail for a double murder! And I KNOW YOU ALL know what I mean! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> LOL

Have a great day! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />