Real reasons for the anger of a BW… MY reasons for the anger…

In the beginning, after Dday, I was angry, very angry. I hated my husband, I hated the OW and I hated the fact that there was a baby on the way, mostly because any baby should have been mine. I was angry that he had placed me in danger. These days there is no telling what diseases he could have contracted and passed on to me.
To list My Reasons…
1) Baby wasn’t mine… We had tried so long to have a child…
2) H didn’t protect me from potential disease… He tried to protect me from knowing about OW… This is the one that sticks with me…
3) He tried to make it all about what I had done… Not what WE hadn’t done.

As time has marched on, my anger has faded. But there are still aspects that anger me to this day, but it takes a lot these days.

Just the other day, H and I were filling out the paperwork to file for Lil Bit’s CS. I would read off the question to H and he would give me the information, then I would write it down… Well, that is how it was supposed to work…
Instead, I would ask the questions that dealt with OW… and his answer would be, I don’t know.
It really brought home the point that H didn’t know much about her at all. Nothing about her background... nothing about her family…
It could have been a tremendous trigger, but it didn’t turn out to be one.
As I kept asking questions you could see the light bulb going off in his head! The realization of what he had done… He will never admit it and he will never say anything about it, but it was crystal clear in his face and eyes!

I began thinking about how much he knows about me. True, we have been married for 10 yrs, but what does he really know about me?
He knows my background.. He knows my family… He knows my hair color, eye color…
How I look in the morning, even before a shower.. He knows what movies make me cry.. He knows me.. ME… The person I am deep inside.. the person I am when there is no one else around.
Of course, the OW will say, “he knows me too.” But what does he know about her? She had a kid… That is what he said when I asked him, “What did you really know about her?”

I am not jealous of the OW. Never have been.
Have I forgiven her for the pain that she was a part of in my life? Yes, though not verbally to her.
Will I forget it? Not on your life.

What angered you after Dday… What angers you today???
BS, fOW, fWS… We all have some form of anger about the situation…
What are YOUR reasons?

Stacia

<small>[ April 02, 2004, 11:53 PM: Message edited by: Stacia_Lee ]</small>

What angers me? Well, let me go as the BW first.

I think that the A that hurt me the most wasn't the first, but it was the last one! See, when Sailorman went to HI w/out me and the kids, he made friends with a couple women from the base country bar. He would tell me how he couldn't wait for us to get there so I could meet this woman and her H and their family! Well, w/in 24 hours of being there, she was over at our house, helping us move things in. She even drove me, w/Sailorman and the kids following, to see our cat at the quarentine station!

We would often all go out to the country bar as couples. Joined, of course, by the other woman mentioned above. We would all shake our heads at the other woman, as she threw herself at this one guy, while her H was either gone, or at home working or whatever. The woman that would join us w/her H would always be joking with Sailorman and me, and calling Sailorman her "little brother". Saying things like, "I love ya, little bro!" when we would leave.

Well, when Sailorman left the first time, she said that she'd "take care of" me and the kids, since we were still new and didn't know too much about the area. She called twice, and saw me once! That's when I met the neighbors, and got all screwed up w/xOM! Now, Sailorman was back for almost 2 months, in which this woman would warn him to "watch out" for me and xOM!

Fastforward to D-day, I had seen this woman twice in the time that Sailorman was gone for his 6 month cruise(if you can call it a cruise). Well, about a week after D-day, Sailorman comes clean with me, and says(names will be changed), "I have to be completely honest with you, and tell you that I'd been sleeping with Janet when you were gone, and even after you got here" Needless to say, my anger at her was that she was supposedly my friend, the only one that I knew anything about before I got there, and she was rubbing shyte in my face every time she saw me, talked to me, or even acted disgusted when her friend was all over her OM!!!!

I'm also angry that she DID get away with the A, as we didn't say anything to her H, and Sailorman said that he wouldn't to basically save his career! I know for a fact that he wouldn't have been promoted this past summer if he had said anything to anyone else! She is probably still screwing around with guys she meets at whatever base they are stationed now! So, my personal anger towards "Janet" is the fact that she KNEW about us(me and the kids), befriended me(if you can call it that), and basically stabbed me in the back, since she obviously didn't care what she was doing to me, or to her H!!!! Yes, I was angry at Sailorman, but we worked through it!

As for anger from being the xOW/WW, I was angry when I saw those two lines on that stick that I pee'd on! In my case, had xOM known of P, he never would have left us alone! Heck, he was faking blackmail letters, saying that whoever the blackmailer was, he wanted him to get me P! I saw a couple of the letters, even kept one for proof that it was xOM writing the letters and not some wacko! No wait, they are one in the same!!!! The thing that scared me into NOT telling was that this guy had become so unstable that in these letters, the "blackmailer" was threatening either xOM's life, or Sailorman's if "we" didn't follow the directions!!!! Who knows if I had told before xOM forced the issue on D-day if xOM would have either tried to kill Sailorman or himself and try to blame it on me!!!! So, when I saw those two lines, the first thing I said was, "The Ba$%&@* got what he wanted!!!!"

In essence, I WAS stalked, the xOM "tried"(in his mind) to get me P, and he continued to stalk US after D-day! Needless to say, I was VERY happy to be at his "hearing" for the assult, and to know the results, and feel that he didn't get "off the hook" as he was demoted, and forced to leave w/a medical discharge w/in 1-2 weeks(still a little foggy on that exact detail)! So, we never went after him for CS, but he "lost" money because of me(actually his own actions as it was the assult and the threat on Sailorman that demoted him). He probably hopes that I'm dead! That's fine with me, as I will never allow him near my family ever again! He has NO claims whatsoever to anything!

OOPS!!!!! I got a little long winded! I guess to sum it up;

1. Anger at xMOW because she was the one "playing" friend and supporter for me when Sailorman was gone!

2. Anger that SHE DID get away with the A scott free!(who knows, maybe she did it again and got caught that time)

3. Anger, at the time, that xMOM got what he wanted w/regards to P, but relief, now, in knowing that he will never know about Abbi!

But, even almost 4 yrs post D-day, and w/in a couple weeks of eachother, both Sailorman and I have had some MASSIVE triggers! For Sailorman, when one of his workers literally found his W in another man's bed, naked, and the OM was zipping up his pants when he walked in the room!!!! Sailorman said that it brought all that anger and pain back like it was D-day all over again!

For me, it was when Sailorman had made plans, with some friends back from HS, then, last minute told me the plans were changed! The issue with this is that these are the friends that "looked the other way" when they would all go out, and I would be at home with the kids, and Sailorman was meeting one of the OW! It made me feel the same way! But, the biggest difference is that we talked about these feelings. In fact, Sailorman changed the plans back to the original plans, just for me!!!!(this after I emotionally threw-up on him)

So, things still trigger, and sometimes they are a massive switch, but if you are truly rebuilding, you get past them 100 times quicker than 3 years ago! And, you help eachother get past them!

Is that what you were looking for, Stacia????

If anyone got this far, thanks for reading!

Tigger

I was insulted and humiliated that my husband didn't leave me for someone better....better personality, better humor, better looking, bigger heart, bigger intellect, just better. She was bigger, but not better. I might have understood the attraction if she were all that...but she wasn't.
And I don't mean to be arrogant but the reality is that some people are just better than others in their compassion and empathy with the understanding that people must have respect for someone else's marriage and that no one should ever venture into the lives of a married person to become the third party...especially bringing into the world a FOURTH party, not part of the marriage, wreaking havoc and unimaginable heartache to so many people.

The thing that stunned me the most was that this stranger was capable of deliberately engaging into having an A with a MM knowing of the husband's illness. And, she just didn't care.

Well, after one hour listening to her and her mean mouth and heartlessness convinced me that she was just a desperate lonely person who didn't have enough self confidence or sense of self to seek a relationship with an available single man. She was willing to "settle". It gave her a thrill to think she could be the "chosen one" for a while and clung onto the illusion that she was special over someone else.

I guess because it was all so unnecessary and it could have been entirely prevented and I just can't imagine how anyone could do such a thing when they knew ahead of time that the stakes were so high but proceeded anyway.

I was once an unsuspecting OW and didn't even know it. The MOMENT I found out my BF was married, I stopped taking his calls, stopped going to the places where he might be and refused to answer my door. I was only 19 at the time and I was adamant about infidelity even at that age. I guess I just expected that most women, unless they were thoughtless and selfish or low class sluts, would do the same. I thought that by being true to myself, karma would smile on me and I would never have to worry about it happening to me. I was more concerned about the wife's devastation if she ever found out that I made damned sure she never did. I couldn't imagine the horrible pain she might have to endure and I didn't want her to feel that kind of pain for something that immediately became meaningless to me upon discovery of his marital status. She didn't deserve to be blindsided by a complete stranger and ahve her world turned upside down.

I think that is why I have so much contempt for the unremorseful OW who post such hideously ugly things on their site. I know who and what they are and even though the fates didn't smile on me, the end result is way beyond my wildest dreams. I think in my case, these terrible things were allowed into my life for a reason and a purpose. I've been given the gift of forgiveness and logic, understanding, compassion and the ability to reach others. It has knocked me off my high horse (sort of...I keep attempting to climb on) and has allowed me to understand the difference between the people who are worthy of our time and trouble and knowing the difference.

Thanks Tigger and Cat...

I was hoping to open a dialog that would help those new to this situation see what some of us felt just after Dday and the change in the way that we handle the anger now... how ever far down the road to recovery.
Hopefully showing that it does change over time. How it changes with learning and practicing the MB Principles.

After posting to Babygirl93 the other day, and then bumping up my "A little background... " thread from 2 yrs ago, I can see where I have changed... I can see how far I have come. I was a little shocked and amazed.

Healing comes in many ways... and not always the same way for everyone.

I was looking to provide hope for others.
Thanks for helping.

Anyone else want to add to this discussion???

Stacia

Reasons for my anger.... where do I begin.

1. H & I had a "pact" that if either of us felt we were not "feeling each other anymore" & felt the need to stray, we would tell each other. I had a cheating H in my first marriage & truly didn't want to deal with that again.

2. H & I discussed having children many times, I did not want anymore, after much more discussion H assured me he would be happy to raise my son & felt no need to be a bio-father. After my tubal I asked H if he felt he would be better off w/ a woman who could give him a baby, of course his reply was no. Looking back I have a little anger at myself at having the tubal & expecting my son to be enough for a man who had no children at all.

3. I had a gut feeling for almost a year before D-Day that H was cheating or on the verge, asked him numerous times of course he looked me dead in the face & said no.

4. During the course of H's A he asked me to have my tubes untied. I agreed, had money in place was ready to undergo surgery, H started dragging on it, I asked him again, is someone pg. for you? No was the reply once again.

5. Found out about A & OC on the way after SIL gave me enough info. to back H into a corner. I put H out, he always said he would live w/ his mummy if he ever left, I stupidly believed that, he went straight to OW, played house w/ her for 8 months.

6. During our separation we talked on a regular basis about his return & how we would hand visitation w/ OC, what room we would re-do for her to sleep in etc. H came home last April, I believe OW put him out cuz she was sick of him telling her he was leaving to come home. THe next day she call my house looking for H, claims his cell phone was off, we got into it big time, OW tells H OC can't come to our home anymore cuz she is not comfortable. That was April 13, 2003, H did nothing about this, didn't want to take her to court so here it is almost a year later & OW is still not comfortable.

7. I am very angry that I feel H has wasted almost 2 years of my life & more w/ his selfish need to have A & now trying to be daddy of the year to OC, all the while lying to me about wanting to put our M back together. I am also angry w/ myself for living like this for this long, being used, humiliated & treated so poorly by a man who claims to love me soooo much.

Considering all that because of my faith in God, I have not let my anger control me, I have attempted forgiveness & done so so with that. Afterall I am only human & a person can only take so much.

Good thread Stacia.

After I overcame my denial that this could have happened my anger began with ow pretending to be my friend and my H dragging me all over town with ow and her H while her H and I had no idea. I was angry for a long time over that.

As Catnip said, I never dreamed in a million years H would find ow attractive on the outside or inside. My first introduction to her was at her H's family owned restaurant at the bar where she was holding hands with an older professor from our local college (under the bar were their hands). I asked my husband if that was her husband and he said no. I asked why she would do something like that to her H and my H said he's an as*whol* and does drugs. I remember thinking I didn't like her from the start.

Time passed and we began going out together as couples with her H and the usual getting to know you things happened. She always asked questions about our marriage and I thought I was being helpful to her in her marriage. (?)She was a spoiled brat type, a flirt right out in the open...probably to get a rise out of both my H and her H. Wore coutour (ugly) clothes, jewelry that was expensive, truly acted "slutty" and enjoyed it. Drank too much wine and at times would fall asleep on the bar after and evening out and her H would drag her home.

She and her 3 kids lived with her Mom and her Mom didn't like her H and threw him out to live with his Mom. Then her Mom hired my H's company to update and remodel things in their home, that is how it happened. She came on to him and he accepted thinking a little on the side wouldn't hurt anyone. I am angry for that too.

I am angry for those who knew and turned their heads.

I am angry for the pregnancy. That alone delays the healing after an affair. It takes much longer because of mixed emotions over a baby. After the second time in 6 months that my H moved home ow went lunatic crazy driving by our home and shouting things (embarrassing things) from her car window. The baby was 2 weeks old. She dropped pictures in my mailbox, sent tell all letters to me, sent an invitation to the baptism to me and our son telling me to keep my H away from church just my son and I could come (yeah, right, let me go find a new outfit for the occassion).

She stormed into my H's office demanding to know why he won't see the oc and why is he back home in his "cage". My H threw her keys into the parking lot trying to make her leave! We made a police report. More anger from me.

She pulled into our local gas station with the oc and ran to my H's truck to tell him to come see oc! H rolled up the window and left which prompted her to phone his cell a dozen times. More anger.

If we were leaving our driveway together and she was driving by, she would call H's cell to say have a nice day loser. Anger...

She would call our business on the weekend and use up a whole tape with love songs and having the baby cry in the background.

Police reports again and more anger just explaing the situation to police was so horrible.

Ow continued to ignore our lawyers letters warning her to stop her harrassing. More anger and no peace for H and I.

Tried a visit one time here for a few hours and everything that surrounded that setup was drama and draining for me and my H. We decided together to stop any and all contact with ow/oc as we were weary and we were not doing well in the healing department. That took about a year from d-day and that wasted time angers me too.

If I get time I'll write more but the pregnancy really prevents a couple from healing right away. It delays things and complicates matters. Then the lawyers and dna and everything in the beginning creats more hurt and more anger!

love
Debi

Most of my anger has subsided, at least the raging anger tupe, but there are some lingering twinges of anger that arise occasionally and are triggered.

1) the idea that H gave up on working on us and just decided to be w/ OW. Didn't even try to work on us. Didn't even let me know what he needed. I was trying while he was 'checking out'!

2) The fact that H cheated instead of at least teling me he wanted out of the marriage. Why not just get divorced?

I can get over those knowing H didn't really want out of the marriage (so why cheat, work on it buddy!!!)but it doesn't make it much better but I'm sincerely glad (now)that he didn't leave.

3) I get angry that H treated me like total crap AFTER A ended but before I knew about. He supposedly wanted to stay married to me and stay w/ son but treated me even worse than before!

4) that H risked all of "this" (family & marriage) for "that". OW is not even attractive physically and is not intelligent at all.

Most of these things I am barely angry at any more but the next thing I really get angry about.

5) OW said she wanted 'nothing' from H but then returns 4 years later to disrupt our lives for CS. Fights us all the way about C w/ OC (OW really wants us to have nothing to do w/ OC)

6) the fact that OW STILL tries to bring up details about the A. Lies to make herself look good and claim all innocent.

The last one is the one that really gets to me and sucks me in every time. I know my H part in this and I resent OW trying to make him look like the only bad guy here and that she was totally innocent. PLUS teh fact that the A has nothing to do w/ anything anymore it is OVER. It's about OC now and has nothing to do w/ OW feelings, thoughts or lies about the A. It is only about OC, really has nothing to do w/ OW. BUT OW still tries to bring up details about A when there is a disagreement concerning OC. This makes absolutely no sense to me. Like what is her point?

It is harder to get over my anger towards OW because she continues to instigate, unlike DH who shows me everyday his love for me and his regret for this mess he selfishly chose to create and involve us in.

<small>[ April 05, 2004, 11:42 AM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>

Anger part 2:
My H always said if he ever caught me "cheating" I'd be gone and om would be beat to a pulp! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

My H was cruel to me during the A and I remember toying with the thought of leaving him but stuck it out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

My H kept the pregnancy a secret for 3 months.

My H came home after being gone 3 weeks AND continued to talk to ow about pregnancy as she threatened to stop seeing ob-gyn....then told H it was twins....then told him not to foresake the oc because she grew up fatherless because her Dad died when she was 8....creating guilt.

H would say A is over he was concerned for unborn oc only... I insisted on NC and KNEW they still phoned each other as ow would write a note to tell me each time THEN apologize to H for telling me promising to keep it all a secret. It was maddening.

Threw H out a second time and plan B'd for about 6 weeks then after oc was born H shows up at home begging me not to see a lawyer that he missed and loved me! Talk about anger! After all he had done all I wanted was a new simple life. I said I'd give it a try and was also on antidepressants soooooo......I gave it a shot.


Meanwhile ow becomes a nut case and begins blatently chasing my H, causing embarrassing scenes. I second guessed our staying together. H was so full of anger toward ow that we truly began the fight together to try and settle her down. ~ugh~

Took a big rollercoaster ride through summer and fall until things began to come together and H and I were a united front. It's a feeling you get when you know they are on track and being honest. Harleys principles helped us all along the way. It was very hard but now that we share a closeness as before again, it was well worth the effort.

The time factor that it took makes me angry too, the A was long over but pregnancy caused a hideous and nightmarish time to linger way too long......It wasn't that H wanted ow, in fact when he moved both times he said "I'll never go to her even if you divorce me" I'd say "Then quit lying about insignificant things! Tell the truth! You can't hurt me more than you have but you can help me by being honest with everything!"

So anger at my H was huge in the first year and 1/2. Harleys counseling helped enormously last year. Sort of fine tuned things we were having trouble with. Taught us communication skills and was worth the price!
Ok nuff said.

Like reading from all of you, pretty much have the same hurts and anger huh?

love
Debi

Let me see the reasons I'm angry

(1) He lied, tells everyone all I do is work provide for my Family BLAH, and he was w/ OW ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

(2) Yes I filed for the D, and he was cheating, I'm the bad person! Hello?

(3) Yes it took two people to tear the M up. And I was to blame for most. I didn't do this, or that, never considered what he didn't do.

(4) Listen to him beg, plead, cry, shout for the 8 mounts we were seperated, that he wanted to come home and we could be better.

(5) Finally starting talking, agreed for him to come home. Then 1 month later the OW gets PG?

(6)I felt something was wrong in Jan asked several times do you need to tell me something? His reply no. I just love you and we can make it through anything ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

(7) Then get a call from the OW friend telling me she was pg and her a & my H where together AFTER he moved back home!

(8) Still keeps contact w/ OW even thought I have express my total dislike and telling him I'm not going to do the contact thing.

(9) Told my D we where the three musketeers and we would always be together! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> And constantly going behind our back and talking to OW. So If I can't deal w/ it I guess I'm the bad person AGAIN. MOM could change this, is what he told her the whole time we where sep. Told her Daddy loves mommy and he wants to be w/ us!

(10) Cause I feel like a dumba$$ for listening and trusting someone, that I knew already I couldn't trust.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What angered you after Dday… What angers you today??? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">D-Day:

1) My stupidity
2) My dis-honesty
3) My selfishness
4) My recklessness
5) The knowledge that I so
easily and forever gave my
fidelity away.
6) Last, but never, ever least
the fact I had caused
great pain and stole
from the one person
who loves me most in
this world.

Today:

1) All of the above.

However, while trying to forgive myself, as my H has so freely done, I've gotten a little past the anger I have for myself and my behavior. Now, it's more of a sorrowful regret than anger.

I don't believe I've ever spoke of this before on MB--I held some anger toward my H shortly after D-day. As some of you know, he said he sort of suspected. Between this knowledge, and thinking back to all the times during the A that he expressed he felt my heart was elsewhere.--I was angry that he didn't do anything to actively look into what was going on with me.

I was angry that he didn't follow his suspicions--didn't check my calls, my computer usage, follow me in the car, check out my stories, question me more, on and on. My thought was that if HE found me out, I would've at least escaped the A without a pregnancy. Poor, poor, pitiful me type of rationale, I know.

As odd and as messed up as it sounds, I thought he didn't care about me, if he didn't see a reason to check up on me. I remember thinking, "My gosh, if he was pulling the stuff I was pulling, it would've been so obvious to me, something was going on. I would've known--I would've searched--I would've questioned..."

I've always accepted the full blame of the A. It was mine and mine alone. Yet I had these questions as to why he didn't look into my comings and goings. Is it typically just a "woman" thing to be suspicious, then check into things--the need for answers, etc.??

Can anyone relate to my thought process?

My H and I have talked about this, he gave me some answers. No matter what his head was telling him, his heart didn't want to believe. In all our years together, I had never given him any reason not to trust me.

Guess what??...That has changed.

Now, we both go out of our way to put a hedge of protection around our marriage. We are doing are darndest to make sure it will never be torn asunder again.

Great topic, S_L, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

~ad

Autumnday--

Good to hear from you. The best of luck for all to continue as it is now.

Albany

Thank you very much Albany, you're a sweetie! I hope you know I wish only good things for you, your H and your M. I was sad to read your last few posts. I will keep praying!!

~ad

Thank you

I just hope he can't go through with it and I hope one day he will understand my love for him and our family/marriage.

Thank you for your prayers--as you can see from today's posts--I need them.

Albany