Seeing as how we have some things in common, namely having contact, I was curious about some things.
How old is the OC? I admit, due to my recent hiatis, that I am not completely up on your story.
How long have you had contact?

The timeshare has increased recently, I believe. What were the reasons behind the change and how did that effect the child support? And how the time effected your household?

I would like to know your thoughts on the timeshare and its effects on your family life.

Our timeshare has gone up and up... We have never had it go down.. and we have never had to pay CS for Lil Bit.
H paid CS on his son from a previous marriage.. and it has always increased... He is now 19... so CS has stopped.

I look forward to your thoughts.
Stacia

Our very first CS hearing was May 2002. It was based on 0% timeshare. We met OC for the first time 1 or 2 days after that. OW wanted to have some time to explain to OC who OC was meeting, ect. OC was 4 1/2 yo.

From that day we first met we wanted regular contact. We jumped in w/ both feet and wanted OC as much as OW would allow. We allowed the first few visits w/ OW. We even had OW in our home a few times to "see how we lived". (I really regret that)

After the first few times we could see that OC was ready to be w/o mom. We had OC for a few hours @ a time w/o mom and now we had baby #3.

It was cooperative @ first w/ both OW schedule & ours. We woudl request a day and if if worked for OW great if not then we woudl compromise on another day. I had no 'feelings' towards OW, good or bad, we were focused on OC.

Then things started to come undone. OW cut back on visitation. OW set a schedule herself that allowed us to see OC less. OC began to ask to stay w/ us longer. We did not know if OC meant it or not but mentioned it to OW anyway. OW always refused.

OC started to tell OW things that were not true so OW began to not trust us. (naturally)

We went to a mediation (H & OW, Oct. 2002). The mediator was very good @ explaining what was in the best interests of OC. This is where H got JOINT legal and physical custody and OC started overnights (OCT. 2002, starting w/ 1 night per EO weekend gradually working up to 2 nights by Dec.), but the rest of the visitation agreement was vague. We still thought OW would be reasonalbe so that we could make "arrangements" between oursleves.

The holidays came around and OW began to be very difficult. OW would agree to dropping off OC @ a specefic time, then she would arrive 1-2 hours late, w/o calling and then deny letting OC stay extra 1-2 hours. OW did not want to drive at all for OC vistitation, wnated us to do all the driving but not allow me to transport OC ever. OW started to request H to come to visits alone and visit w/ OC alone, why bring BC and W?

OW denied any holiday time except for Christmas day that was in the agreement.

We filed to lower the CS since our visitation was now up to %15, that was in Mar. 2003. @ the same time we requested another visitation to get a holiday schedule set up in writing. OW refused to make any changes and actually said she still wanted OC to spend even LESS time w/ us and wanted to remove JOINT custody. At this mediation was the first time OW mentioned OC 'emotional instability' and said OC was having problems adjusting, having nightmares, bedwetting, mood swings BECAUSE we were in OC life and seeing OC too much. No agreements were made so no changes were made to visitation schedule.

OW started OC seeing a 'counselor'. Tells counselor that OC is having all these problems because we are seeing OC too much and that problems did not start until OC began overnights. H points out that OC ALSO began all day daycare and moved from "the only home she had ever known" (from her grandparents) @ the same time, so while Oc may be having some adjustment difficulties it could not be ONLY because of us. There were ohter factors. Counsleor's diagnosis; we all have to get along and OC will be fine.

OW would not make any schedule changes when there were scheduling conflicts. BC has school functions that we notify OW months in advance about and since OW refused to drive H would have to leave early and miss the activities. OW denies making any changes. We force her to p/u OC on that occasion so that we will not have to leave BC function.

We contact a lawyer about the visitation conflicts and wanting more time. Laywer advises us to write OW a letter stating that we have contactd an attorney, advise OW to hire one AND that, upon the attorney's advise, it is better for us all to get along and settle the matter between ourselves rather than go to court and that settling it privately is the best thing for OC.

OW files the next week or 2 to revoke H joint custody, that I not be allowed to be alone w/ OC, set up a visitation schedule that is stupid (a few hours each holiday and going home early on father's day so OC could spend it w/ grandpa!) OW declares that the mediator and my H PRESSURED her into agreeing w/ the first order and joint custody, took advantage of her ignorance about the law and THREATENED to take her to court if she did not agree.

This began our stupid custody battle. We had 3 continuances while the lawyers kept telling us to co to counseling and blah blah blah. We finally went to a counselor that OW chose for OC.

OW wanted the counseling for OC we thought it was court ordered for all 3 of us. The counselor never spoke to OC, alwyas w/ all of us. OW finally said she agreed w/ mostly everything, we proposed a visitation schedule that included custody of OC while it was my H schedule days off, to be compromising to OW feelings too.

The counseling ended in Aug. 2003, the hearing was in Nov 2003. A week befoer the Nov. 2003 hearing, that OW had already agreed to everything, OW says she wants H to sign away his rights so OW can have complete control of OC again. That was a legal impossibility so we did not discuss it further w/ OW. Visitation was now up to 40%. The CS hearing was last month to reduce the CS again because of the changes.

We have an appointment w/ another lawyer tomorrow to make our custudy agreement even more solid because since then OW has chaged her mind and says she 'never agreed' to it and that she only 'acted like she agreed to avoid conflict'.

There are just a few days in ?? that we all agreed to that OW says she did not agree and that her lawyer took out of the schedule. (he didn't) WE need to make the agreement even more clear and enforceable. Also some decisions about OC that OW is making w/o H knowledge or consent that is against the order, that we feel strongly about.

We will also try to get the visitation moved up to at least 50/50, maybe every other week to avoid any confusion @ all.

Also I want to talk to the lawyer myself about what I can do in the future to protect MY family from any more disruption and conflict w/ OW. Maybe a confidentiality clause or something to avoid bringing up any more "details" about the A to me. I don't know, I am going to ask about it.

We always took our time after an increase in visitation to have a CS hearing so that OW could NEVER say we only increased our timeshare to lower our CS. Believe me, the drama has not been worth it for that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

kt, here are a few questions and observations, based on what you posted.

Our very first CS hearing was May 2002. It was based on 0% timeshare. We met OC for the first time 1 or 2 days after that. OW wanted to have some time to explain to OC who OC was meeting, ect. OC was 4 1/2 yo.

OC is now nearing 7? You have had contact for nearly 2 years? What were the reasons for not having C before then? When was your dday?

From that day we first met we wanted regular contact. We jumped in w/ both feet and wanted OC as much as OW would allow.

You say you wanted regular C from the day you met. What were your reasons for Contact?


Then things started to come undone. OW cut back on visitation. OW set a schedule herself that allowed us to see OC less. OC began to ask to stay w/ us longer. We did not know if OC meant it or not but mentioned it to OW anyway. OW always refused.

What were OW’s reasons for limiting C?

OC started to tell OW things that were not true so OW began to not trust us. (naturally)

Ok, I am confused now. She asked to stay longer… but began to lie about things? She was about 5… what could she say that would be misconstrued? Children make things up all the time, I am sure you know that already. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />


The holidays came around and OW began to be very difficult. OW would agree to dropping off OC @ a specefic time, then she would arrive 1-2 hours late, w/o calling and then deny letting OC stay extra 1-2 hours. OW did not want to drive at all for OC vistitation, wnated us to do all the driving but not allow me to transport OC ever. OW started to request H to come to visits alone and visit w/ OC alone, why bring BC and W?

Did you document the agreed upon times? And then when they were broken?


We filed to lower the CS since our visitation was now up to %15, that was in Mar. 2003. @ the same time we requested another visitation to get a holiday schedule set up in writing. OW refused to make any changes and actually said she still wanted OC to spend even LESS time w/ us and wanted to remove JOINT custody.

What sort of changes were you requesting? Would the courts not address your request?

OW declares that the mediator and my H PRESSURED her into agreeing w/ the first order and joint custody, took advantage of her ignorance about the law and THREATENED to take her to court if she did not agree…..

A week befoer the Nov. 2003 hearing, that OW had already agreed to everything, OW says she wants H to sign away his rights so OW can have complete control of OC again.

Has all her “backpedaling” been documented? Is it in the court papers?
Why not give her complete control? It sounds like this is making you and your family miserable.


We will also try to get the visitation moved up to at least 50/50, maybe every other week to avoid any confusion @ all.

Knowing that the OW is going to cause more problems, Why do you want to increase your C with her?

Also I want to talk to the lawyer myself about what I can do in the future to protect MY family from any more disruption and conflict w/ OW. Maybe a confidentiality clause or something to avoid bringing up any more "details" about the A to me. I don't know, I am going to ask about it.

I think you will probably have to find a separate attorney. Most of the time, when dealing with situations such as these, the H and W must have individual attorneys, due to conflict of interest. I have a friend that is dealing with just such a situation.

We always took our time after an increase in visitation to have a CS hearing so that OW could NEVER say we only increased our timeshare to lower our CS. Believe me, the drama has not been worth it for that.

Just because you do it that way, it still looks like its all about the CS... from the outside.

We went through a mediator for the holiday schedules. H asked for certain times and things… OW wanted to argue about them. The mediator said that if she really wanted to fight about it, it could be taken to court… and the Referee would decide… She even told her that it was more than likely that H would get what he was asking for, because what he was asking for was very reasonable. OW finally agreed.

It seems that there is a lot of drama in your situation. More than necessary.
I remember going through a lot of drama with our OW… She fabricated lies that were so far out in left field it was easy to spot them… even for those in the courtroom that were not even involved with our case!

How do your kids deal with OC? What are their ages?

Because my kids are so young, Mac is 6 months and Lil Bit (OC) is nearly 3… I am curious how things may progress as she(Lil Bit) gets older. We are planning on moving soon and I would like to be prepared for anything. We are looking into preschool and daycare…

Being on the “primary custody’ side of things does change the dynamics a bit…

Thanks for your replies.
Stacia

is now nearing 7? You have had contact for nearly 2 years? What were the reasons for not having C before then? When was your dday?
******
My "d-day" time frame is a bit skewed. In June of 98 H told me of ONS that resulted in pg that he did not know about until OW served him papers that month to change baby's name. We thought OC was about 9 months old.(OC was 6 months old) At that time H spoke to OW and offered to help her in any way, whatever OW wanted he was ready to "take responisbility". OW said she wanted nothing. H felt that was best since he wanted to stay w/ me in our marriage. Best for everyone. So he did not assert any of his rights.

I left him @ that time. H wanted to stay together and move on w/ our lives. After 6 months we got back together. I had many ??? but the answers were hard to come by. H want to "get over it" and "move on". This "story" was not true.

In Oct. of 2001 I find out I am pg w/ baby #3 and the same week, H get served w/ papers being sued for CS of OC. We try to C OW, no forwarding address. The hearing was not until May of 2002. A week before CS hearing H tells me that it was really a full blown A and NOT a ONS, he knew OW was pg and that is when A ended, never to see or speak to each other again.

You say you wanted regular C from the day you met. What were your reasons for Contact?
*****
We thought maybe OW was getting married originally or something, but by being sued for CS we knew that must not be the case and that OW wanted OC to know her father. We took it as an invitation to be involved. We thought it was the right thing to do.

What were OW&#8217;s reasons for limiting C?
*****
Many different excuses. That it did not "work" for OW, it was "inconvenient", that OW was not "ready", then that OC was having personality changes, moody, finally that OC was becoming emotionally unstable, that OC was not "ready".

Ok, I am confused now. She asked to stay longer&#8230; but began to lie about things? She was about 5&#8230; what could she say that would be misconstrued? Children make things up all the time, I am sure you know that already.
*****
First stupid stuff, OC said that my H said her hair was "ugly". OW said that OC self-esteem suffered and that they had to reassure OC about it all week. OC has hair like my H (but his is short) and EXACTLY like my SIL (EXACTLY!). We would never say something like that. AND OW doesn't know this but I have wanted curly hair my whole life and wanted a daughter w/ curly hair so I would be the last to call it ugly! OC would try stuff like, "MY mommy says I can have ice-cream w/o dinner". OW did not believe OC would say something like that. Then OC lost her first tooth, OC told OW that our BC (2 1/2 @ the time) hit her and that made it loose. THIS really upset my H! OW, from then on said that she could not trust us because we "lied to her".

One time OC asked to call OW to ask if OC could stay w/ us longer. It was already time to take OC home so we did not allow OC to call. We did not want to put OW on the spot and felt OC should ask her herself not call from our home (like we are making OC say it). OC told OW we would not let her call OW. OW was very upset saying OC needed her and we do not let OC call her. We tried to explain WHY OC wanted to call but OW never believes us.

Then @ a mediation OW tells my H that OC said I spanked her! OW said that I spanked OC and that my H comforted OC by laying down w/ her in bed!!!!!!!!!!!!!THIS WAS/IS ABSOLUTELY NOT TRUE! We were starting to get scared that OW would use these lies against us somehow. My H let her know that none of that was true and we did not trust her (OW). Because of the lack of trust I had put some safeguards that all of our families knew about to avoid any doubts like this. I never let H be alone w/ OC (since OC is female) because I could not trust OW not to misconstrue something innocent. I gave OC a bath, helped OC in the bathroom, ect. He barely touched(es) her, which is sad becaue I know OC really needs/wants/craves the physical affection from her dad. We even took away the "play room" to have our older son have his own room to avoid ANYTHING that OW could somehow use against us. AND that is another reason I was not going to allow my H private visitation W/ OC that OW was requesting. (he did not want it anyway)

We tried to reason w/ OW that OC was testing us and that kids get confused, use their imaginations, ect.

Did you document the agreed upon times? And then when they were broken?
*****
Yes

What sort of changes were you requesting? Would the courts not address your request?
*****
We wanted to make a holiday schedule. It was only documented on the agreement for Christmas day. We had asked, since OC was only in daycare, to have her for 1/2 of the winter break, OW always said no. We were working w/ a mediator and needed to go to file w/ the courts. OW told the new mediator about being "pressured". OC was sheduled to be w/ us for OC birthday. But in the same mediation that OW wanted to take away JC, OW had the nerve to ask that OC be w/ her for OC birthday. H refused and mediator made it clear that no changes would be made to current schedule unless they went to court. H said he would not be making any changes to the current schedule because he could not trust OW to keep her word about p/u and d/o so why would he exchange anything knowing we would not be allowed to make up the time?

OW was VERY upset @ this and never forgave us for it, which led to her never wanting to change the schedule again when we requested it for BC school functions and activities.

We didn't have the time or the $$$$ yet to file for a hearing. We knew it was best for OC if we could work it out ourselves. Then OW filed first.

Knowing that the OW is going to cause more problems, Why do you want to increase your C with her?
*****
We want it spelled out so detailed that there is no room for interpretation. I think you can't get much clearer than every other week/50-50.

We are hoping that having a fool-proof visitation schedule will eliminate any problems from OW. It has been 2 long years and although we regret C we figure--we're here now so let's do what we can to make it work.

This will be our very last attempt. If OW STILL tries to cause trouble then we can walk away knowing that we did everything we possibly could to make it work---FOR OC!

Contrary to OW stereo-typical cries of BW demanding NC and MM abandoning OC and everyone act like an adult and it can work------we have tried everything we know how to do, including sacrificing our own family's and BC harmony, well-being and security!

Yes, if OW creates more drama, then "they" can say that we selfishly abandoned OC. It will be true but not warranted and completely 100% justified. I will have no guilt if it comes to that. And I will look forward to the day OC comes knocking on the door w/ all her ???? I will have all the answers OC will be looking for, all documented and archived for her to see/read for herself. IF IT EVER COMES TO THAT.

Just because you do it that way, it still looks like its all about the CS... from the outside.
*****
Yes, I know but that is dumb, why would someone willingly put themselves through all this for some deductions. It was/is not worth it. AND to that I say--isnt' that what OW wants, for MM to have C w/ OC? We waited a YEAR before first CS modification hearing.

We went through a mediator for the holiday schedules. H asked for certain times and things&#8230; OW wanted to argue about them. The mediator said that if she really wanted to fight about it, it could be taken to court&#8230; and the Referee would decide&#8230; She even told her that it was more than likely that H would get what he was asking for, because what he was asking for was very reasonable. OW finally agreed.
*****
This is exactly what happened w/ our first mediator----and OW then said that she was "pressured" into it!

How do your kids deal with OC? What are their ages?
*****
The oldest BC is 11, he is "indifferent" to OC. He has moments when he can relax and have fun w/ OC but mostly gets irritated w/ her. I don't think he even likes her but probably struggles since OC is his "sister" so feels he "has to" love her. He is defensive about our family and sees/feels the stress and tension this has caused.

Next BC is 3 1/2 yo. He mostly struggled w/ OC having to leave and then come back. It was hard for him to adjust to that. He is used to having his siblings home all day w/ him. He woudl go back & forth between saying he hated OC and hated daddy! He rarely says that now but craves all of OC attention and gets his feeling hurt so easily if OC does not want to play w/ him. He's not like that w/ BC.

Youngest BC is 21 months so she is too young for anything. OC seems to love and adore her, of course, what little girl doesn't love babies?

OC just turned 6. We ahve 2 "in" Jan. & 2 "in" June. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Sorry so long. I appreciate your interest. It helps me to clarify things in my mind when I am going over them w/ someone else.

kt I was just curious.

How far apart do Your husband and you live from oc?

Is there any reason both parents can not spend her birthday with her? would it hurt any thing to share that time? instead of sqabbling over it?

Now the extreme would be to do what we do and have one big happy party for our daughters b-day, I know that isnt an option for most,(not easy at first but quite pleasant now) but would it seem more reasonable to understand that her mother would enjoy being with her that day as well, and you guys split the time? Same with other holdays if you dont live too far apart. For instance Easter is sunday, OM is takeing our daughter home to spend the night, He is going to do a couple of things we normally do, to uphold our family tradition, and then sunday he will bring her home early afternoon. and we planned our family dinner around her coming home early afternoon. We both (om and myself) end up happy and daughter doesnt have any crap to deal with. Of course as a mom I hate missing her hunt eggs early in the morning, But thats ok, he will take lots of pics and I will get them.

I cant help but wonder what all this legal battle stuff does to the children in question. Seems it is a battle of wills for the two parties involved. Doesnt do any of the children any good. Most likely more harm than good. I just think life would be easier if you saved the big stuff for the battles and the little stuff work out something else to make both happy.


please dont missunderstand I am not insulting you, just asking a question because I am trying to understand.

1) uh no, we will never have 'joint' parties. Personally, I think this is completely innapropriate and disrespectful to me, as my H WIFE.

EVERYONE would be uncomfortable. OW family apparently hates my H (OW is completely 'innocent') and can't stand to look @ or see any of us (ktbunch included). Neither my family or H family would ever want anything to do w/ OW, much less even see her. This would be extremely hurtful for everyone and THAT would not be good for OC.

I could not trust OW to not try to bring up the past or try to tell her 'innocent' side of the story to our families. Never gonna happen. This is not a mature, rational individual we are talking about here.(even if she was, I would still probably never allow since I find it disrespectful & distasteful) This is a person who said, in front of my son, (10 yo @ the time) that my H didn't think he was his child and had no connection to him because I was seeing someone else while seeing him!!!!!! Which is all completely false.

So no, we have worked our agreement to have minimal C w/ OW, as I think all of these situations should be handled.

2) This is no longer an issue because of the way the schedule is arranged, WE said OC will celebrate her b-day w/ who ever's time it is. OC will always have 2 parties and they won't always be on her b-day anyway so it doesn't matter. And for that specific instance, OW told OC her b-day was the day before anyway, while OW still had her.

All other major holidays are alternate years. If my H & I had gotten divorced or something I would do joint parties and stuff. (well actually that is why we are not divorced, to avoid crap like that). That is different. I have a problem acting like this is 'ok' & normal. JMO

OW & I can be on civil terms & nothing more.

I am not offended by you and I'm glad it works for you this way.

I wouldnt want someone around my children like that either. I understand , I was just curious.
I can certainly understand not wanting to do it toether. I kinda was shocked at first also. after all I had no desire to spend the whole day at om's house and and neither did my husband. the next year we went to a nuetral place and will continue doing a nuetral place.

Om refuses to do two parties does not want her to ever feel it isnt ok to love both families I agree, so it is able to work. How ever I would never ever discuss my relationship I had with om, in front of or with any one but my husband. my husband and I never discuss personal issues if there are children in the house period!
difference between your situation and mine, I am looking out for all my children like you are, and om has children my age. so he doesnt have the same issues. He loves seeing my kids and would never ever say any thing but positive things to and in front of them.

I can also see why you would find it disgusting. I tend to be a person that doesnt like confict... an example.... one of the times my husband cheated on me, we were living in a another country. military. i found out and the next day the ladies of the company gave me a baby shower for our first child. I walked in and guess who was at the shower, the woman who had been sleeping with my husband. It was the longest shower I had ever been to and thought I would die before it was over. But these women had gone to alot of trouble and I did not want to make a scene. I suffered through it , went home and cried and screamed at hubby for a very long time.

and to be honest every baby shower I attened, I remember that moment. although I no longer mention it or get angry.

I hope this works out for all you.

<small>[ April 08, 2004, 10:26 AM: Message edited by: mom of five ]</small>

bump! Stacia did you read?

kt,
It's been a long weekend... and we have been out of town... Now, its back to the grind..
I have skimmed through and will have a better reply later on when I am not buried under the "catch-up" work on my desk... (yeah, I spend a lot of my work-day checking MB)

Wanted you to know I haven't forgotten you.

Stacia

kt,
I have seen where you basically say that you are not happy with contact. You make references to “thinking it was the right thing” yet you don’t seem to feel that it is the right thing for you family. Does your H feel this way too? And if you truly do not feel it is right for your family and that it is not beneficial to the OC, then why continue with C?
In my way of thinking, it will only become more and more of a burden on your marriage/family.
You wrote: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> This will be our very last attempt. If OW STILL tries to cause trouble then we can walk away knowing that we did everything we possibly could to make it work---FOR OC!
And
Yes, if OW creates more drama, then "they" can say that we selfishly abandoned OC. It will be true but not warranted and completely 100% justified. I will have no guilt if it comes to that. And I will look forward to the day OC comes knocking on the door w/ all her ???? I will have all the answers OC will be looking for, all documented and archived for her to see/read for herself. IF IT EVER COMES TO THAT. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you & your H have already made the decision to end C, so why prolong the agony any longer?


Do your children say what they feel about this whole thing?
I have a 19yr old stepson who is furious with his father because of this situation. He told me from the beginning that he hated OW. He still has anger towards his dad. He is also angry with me for staying, but in a sense has forgiven me for staying. He is a jealous young man and feels threatened by Lil Bit and Baby Mac. He has yet to show Mac very much attention. Of course, Mac is not in the “fun” stage yet for young men… LOL.. He can’t play ball or run yet. Hopefully in time he will come around.


I know what you mean about not wanting to include OW in your Birthday parties… We don’t either. Lil Bit’s first birthday fell in our allotted “parenting time” and OW didn’t like that one bit.
She said that she had never spent one of her children’s birthdays away from them and she was not about to this time. Turned out she did. We "did the right thing" and invited her, her son and her mother to the birthday party we were giving. She didn't show up. She never even called to ask if she could even see her on her birthday...
So her little tirade was, in effect, only dramatics.
Lil Bit will always have 2 parties. She has 2 families. We have no plans to “blend” them any farther than is necessary.
As is in your case, the rule of thumb is “Whoever has her, has her.”

Much of my interest in your case lies in the fact that you have children younger than the OC and seeing them interact.
Having Baby Mac and having Primary Custody of Lil Bit brings a whole new dimension to this situation. And I would like to be a little prepared for stages that may be coming down the road.

I know that my situation is very different from most of the posters here. I can only think of one other situation, over the entire time frame that I have been here, that the WH & BW have Primary custody of the OC. And I can’t for the life of me remember her ScreenName.

Sorry it took me so long to reply… it’s been a ROUGH week!

Stacia

by stacia:I have seen where you basically say that you are not happy with contact. You make references to &#8220;thinking it was the right thing&#8221; yet you don&#8217;t seem to feel that it is the right thing for you family. Does your H feel this way too? And if you truly do not feel it is right for your family and that it is not beneficial to the OC, then why continue with C?
In my way of thinking, it will only become more and more of a burden on your marriage/family.
***********
***********

You're right. I don't know.

It just seems so much more complicated now, knowing OC for 2 years. When OW is getting her way then things are fine. As soon as there is a conflict then OW passive-aggressive claws some out. So that's what makes me think that as long as we create a parenting plan/agreement that she cannot maniplulate then everything will be fine.

So part of me thinks when we can afford this next lawyer, OW will be put in her place and all potential for her to try and hurt our family will be gone but the other part of me thinks......do I really want to spend $3000 more dollars on THIS?

And I/we are going on with and living our lives regardless of OW so w/ time......the situation is/has gotten easier to deal w/.

And we are not letting OW or OC stop us from living our lives. Like when we went on this last mini-get away, it was during our time w/ oC. We treated her just like our children, BC went to nana's house and I let OW pick OC up early and we went! I could have tried to fight w/ OW to make up that time somewhere but I was just like, whatever. OW can have her more time, what's the big deal. So my/our attitude is changing more in that direction. To "whatever".

Actually, I asked my H about it the other day. I told him that since we are in OC life, it really will never end and C will never end unless we moved away or something. He has a good job now so I don't see us moving away any time soon so what would be the point in moving away to avoid C if it wouldn't, realistically, be for a few years. He said, no we will move away and C will end. It doesn't really make sense and I don't see it happening.

But we are just living our lives.

It's very strange or maybe it's not but when OC is not around it's like we have our old life back and then a day or two before we are to get her again, all the thoughts from the past start to come into my mind, I start to feel depressed and sometimes start feeling agitated. But it seems to be less and less except for these symptoms.

So then I think, well, we're getting used to it now. Things are calm so I think, we CAN do this. OC doesn't seem to have any more "emotional instability symptoms" that I know of, any more. OW hasn't mentioned anything but who knows.

Our families all know her already, she knows them. I think the only solution to ending C now would be if we moved away. Then we would keep in touch via email or regular mail and then maybe have her for the summers or something like that. @ this point OW would say no way to that. For this summer we asked for half and half, 6 weeks ea. and OW said no, every other week and then next year, every 2 weeks. SO I guess that means OW would not allow OC away for more than a 2 week period AND I'm sure that means giving up the weekend between that 2 week period too.

It's all so crazy. I guess the bottom line is that we have all "just gotten used to it" by now. Do we like it? not necessarily but we are used to it for now.

Yesterday, younger son (3 1/2 yo) asked about OC, why she wasn't @ church w/ us. I told him OC was w/ her mommy but he was like but why doesn't she come to church? I guess he was thinking OC could still come to church w/ HER mommy and couldn't understand why she wouldn't. He's the only one who ever really asks about her. The older....who knows, doesn't care or just "puts up w/ it" and the younger one is too young. I really believe it would be different if he had known OC as a baby. That's even what he has said.

Who knows? Not me, all I know is that THIS is where we are now so......it's much more complicated now then just walking away and being "done w/ it". Does that make sense to you?
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I have a friend who IS an OC and WAS an OW and has OC (nc w/ sperm donor). (talk about history repeating itself) I think I will get her view on this, @ least from the OC perspective. She met her half-siblings as an adult, the younger ones were happy to meet her, the older one(s) were not. I think I remember her saying it was because the older one(s) could remember the pain her father had put his wife (their mother) through and maybe it was because the younger ones were from another marriage so they were already used to having step-siblings.

Oh what a tangled web we weave....when we practice to deceive!

PS: (it will be a little different because you have actually been raising OC but.....) Imagine if OW cleaned up her act and started having regular C w/ OC. She gets 50/50 custody. AND she starts to make YOUR life a living hell. Seriously, starts making all kind of unneccessary comments about A, comments about baby Mac, whatever, says lil'bit is suffering...ect. You don't know what is true anymore, if anything, all you know is that this is hell(or the closest thing on earth to it). You, your marriage and family are all showing signs of extreme stress.

Would you end C w/ Lil Bit?

Complicated decision isn't it?

<small>[ April 19, 2004, 10:50 AM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>