Hi There,

I am somewhat new to this forum, but I read some of your posts and we seem to be in a similar situation and I was hoping to find some glimmer of hope from you being further down the road than I am.

Here's my story...
My H had a ONS with a girl that he had a short EA with while he and I were seperated over 2 years ago. Now she is pregnant. April 17th of last year my H and I had a son who died at birth due to prematurity complications. What you said about how the OW got pregnant...should have been your baby. That was the very first thing I said to my H when he told me. You gave her OUR baby. We were trying when she got PG and now we have been discussing custody issues about the OC. I have agreed to reconcile with him and it's going very well but I am scared about when this baby comes along. I feel like I wasn't good enough and she was. She can have a healthy baby (so far) without complications unlike me. One thing that pisses my H off is that I say that it seems like the life/ death of our son meant nothing to him because he so freely gave himself to someone else instead of me. He gets very angry when I say that so I have since stopped saying it but I don't know if I will ever stop feeling it.

Any words of wisdom from someone who has been there? I didn't know if there was a way to instant message you.

Anyone else who wants to share...go right ahead.

ab...
I went back and read your posts to give me some more information about your situation...

I guess the first thing that strikes me about your situation is that the PA took place after the loss of your son, but the basis for the A came before your pregnancy.
My second observation is that you and your H are separated again. But, you are trying to reconcile.

Now, my questions...

How are you showing your H that you want to reconcile and move ahead in your Marriage?

How is he showing YOU?

How do you reconcile while you are living apart?


My H and I separated BEFORE I knew of the A... of course, I suspected it... but had no proof. I moved out and then found out about the A and coming OC within 3 of moving out.
I miscarried again, within 2 wks of Dday. I had no idea I was pg until I was in the middle of the m/c. From Dday until the day I told my H about the miscarriage I had no contact with him at all. I wanted nothing to do with him. I had even contacted an attorney to file for divorce.
When I did tell him I was cold, unfeeling. His first reaction was to yell at me for not telling him I was pregnant when I moved out. I didn't know when I moved out, how could I have told him?
It was in that moment he changed. He began to cry. He reached out to hold me.
As he touched me, I felt the fire spread through me. It was like things I had read about in books. It was at this moment that I knew how much I loved him. I knew I wanted to stay married to him. I knew I wanted to fight for my marriage.
At that point I didn't know how much work it would be.. but I was willing to try.

It has not been an easy road. But one I am glad I took.

You asked for Words of Wisdom... I don't know that I have any.. but I do think that you may want to show your H that you are serious about rebuilding your marriage.. and one way to do that is to allow him to come home. Work together to rebuild your marriage...

The one thing I am most curious about in your case is about the DNA. The way you described it in one of your posts is not the way to prove DNA of the child in utero..
Has the OW provided the DNA results?
What type of DNA sample did your H provide?
When he provided it, he should have filed out forms and then been given the results when the testing was complete. If he didn't fill out paperwork and didn't receive the results, then I doubt there was a DNA test performed.

Keep posting... Keep asking questions. Keep reading the MB Principles.

Hope to hear from you again soon.
Stacia

<small>[ April 08, 2004, 10:36 AM: Message edited by: Stacia_Lee ]</small>

Hi Stacia,

Thanks for your reply. Here are some answers to your questions:

How are you showing your H that you want to reconcile and move ahead in your Marriage?

I have told him that I want to work this out and I have forgiven him for what he has done. I love him and treat him respectfully.

How is he showing YOU?
He makes himself available to me when I need him day or night. He makes me a priority in everything in his life now. He is going to MC with me and is taking an active interest in reconciling.

How do you reconcile while you are living apart?
Under the suggestion of our MC, we are "dating" again and starting from scratch. The problem is that he is in N/A for a drug problem (hence why he decided to have a ONS and thought it was a good idea at the time) so he is working the program right now and is very focused on that. He is doing quite well. He needs that alone time to work his program and gain some footing on his own life in addition to ours together. I have a roommate now and would have to pay thousands of dollars to buy her out of the lease. I don't really regret asking him to move out although it is extremely lonely and painful sometimes, but it seems to be working. At this point, we are doing the best we can.

We are still getting more info regarding DNA and such. It would be a Godsend if it wasn't his and I could write this girl off, but in reality I know it probably won't happen like that. We are doing really well with the recovery. I feel like I have made the right decision and still love my H wholeheartedly. I am just really dealing with the death of my son again and the pain can seem unbearable at times.

Thanks for your help.

AB

Hi antoniablaze,

Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner, I have been gone out of state all weekend!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> We are still getting more info regarding DNA and such. It would be a Godsend if it wasn't his and I could write this girl off, but in reality I know it probably won't happen like that. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why wouldn't work out that way? If it really was just a ONS, then the odds are against it being your H's child. Not to say that it couldn't be his(God knows it can and does happen), but it would be rather unlikely...

Are there questions you would like to ask me? I will be happy to answer them... It seems silly for me to "assume" what you are curious about.

Stacia

I guess my main question right now is how do you deal with this OC?

I am having a hard time dealing with it. Since the loss of my son and the fact that we have no other living children kills me. It pisses me off to no end that she is going to be the first person to provide him a child that will live and go on with a life. I wanted to be that person. I want our babies to be more important than this one. But I know that's not fair to this child. I told my H that I would stand by him in whatever decision he makes and he really wants to be a father to this child but wants nothing to do with OW. How did you first deal with this child? Do you have contact with OW? What did your H feel about the OW when she gave birth to his child? I am pretty sure the OW wants this kid and won't easily give him up to my H. But I am trying my hardest to not resent this baby. I don't really resent him per se, but the fact that he's half HER. I HATE that. I am angry that she can provide a living child for my H and I couldn't. I am so very angry about that.

I am also concerned about what's going to happen with my H after this child is born. I hope and pray that he doesn't develop feelings for her again after all this. They had a short EA when we were first sep and he thought he had feelings for her but they quickly vanished. Then the opportunity arose to check out of the grass really was greener on the other side and come to find out, it was cement. So in reality it was a EA with one physical contact incident. And she swore she was on the pill. Come on. Sorry for the ramble. I am just hoping that you can understand where I am coming from. This is still quite new for me and I am still having a hard time dealing with this OC.

guess my main question right now is how do you deal with this OC?
How I deal with the OC in my life…
We have been involved with Lil Bit since she was 5 wks old. I guess it’s easier for me to deal with this because of the knowledge of OW’s past… her History.
During the time that my H and I were beginning to reconcile I learned as much as I could. Our attorney had a background check run on her. Turned up some interesting things, petty theft and Domestic Violence! Knowing that she has allowed boyfriends to beat her son. Knowing that her mother was the one to report her for negligence and failure to protect the boy.
How could we sit back and allow this unfit woman to raise my H’s child?? It still irks me that H gave Lil Bit to her.

It pisses me off to no end that she is going to be the first person to provide him a child that will live and go on with a life. I wanted to be that person.
In this regard, even SHE isn’t the first person to be the mother of his child. My H was married at the age of 17 and fathered a son. My stepson is now 19. Having been through that may have also helped to prepare me for this.

How did you first deal with this child?
As soon as Lil Bit was born, I was upset, understandably. I was adamant, as was our attorney, that H has NOTHING to do with either OW or OC until DNA proved she was his. H had already filed to establish paternity and legitimate the baby. So all we had to do was wait to have the DNA testing completed.
Then when we received the results I had another bad episode. It was a horrible Wednesday. Crying, screaming… basic hate…
H picked up the baby that weekend. She was 5 wks old. So tiny, so helpless. As I held her I knew there was no way I was going to allow her to be harmed. If I could prevent it... I WOULD.
Do you have contact with OW?
We have contact with the OW only during drop-offs and pick-ups.
Currently, that is every other weekend. She comes to our home to pick her up and drop her off.
Other than that, we do not socialize or call each other on the phone. Should there be an emergency in regard to Lil Bit then I am sure I could contact her and she could contact us. I am the one that has the contact with OW. H is usually working. I prefer it this way.
What did your H feel about the OW when she gave birth to his child?
H had already made his choice to stay with me. OW knew it. She told me herself.
When she gave birth, H was not there. He wanted to be, I didn’t want him there. He had gone by the hospital, but she hadn’t delivered yet. OW’s mother didn’t bother to call him when the baby came. It was only at my urging the next morning that he even called the hospital to find out if the baby had been born!
As far as his feelings for her, there are none. He really can’t stand her.
It didn’t happen overnight, I can tell you that. At first, he would show concern for her. Saying things like he is the mother of his child.. Most of this was BEFORE the birth, though. He would worry about the child she was carrying… He was focused on her as a “carrier.”
After Lil Bit was born and we began seeing her, H’s attitude towards OW was completely changed. I believe it is because of the way that OW left Lil Bit filthy and generally neglected.


I don't really resent him per se, but the fact that he's half HER. I HATE that. I am angry that she can provide a living child for my H and I couldn't. I am so very angry about that.
I can understand that. Every now and then I will look at Lil Bit and see OW’s facial expressions clear as day! It really is a quandary when the face of someone you CANNOT STAND is within the face of someone you love so much.
I hate the fact that this child is NOT mine legally. She came along at a time when I knew nothing about WHY I was unable to have children. She needed someone. I had a need for a child that needed me… so; I pledged to be that person. Of course, my H is there for her, but there are just some things that just Daddies don’t feel comfortable with.
She calls me Mommy. And I love her dearly. Should OW ever wish to give up her rights to this child, I would gladly adopt her. I believe it would be better for her to be raised without the stresses of going back and forth between homes, but at this time it must be this way.
My latest problem comes because I now have Baby Mac. I am not able to give as much of my time to him as I did to her in her baby days. I feel guilty for it some days. But, I know that every mother of 2 goes through these feelings. Its just that mine have added stresses… (aftermath of the A)
I can’t say how your H will feel about OW. But I doubt very seriously that he will develop feelings if he felt the way you describe.

I don’t mean to be nosey, but what were the reasons for the loss of your son? What complications did you experience? Is there a possibility of you being able to have a child of your own?

Working through your feelings and letting your H know how things make you feel, may make all the difference. All of us here on P/C are happy to help you work through them BEFORE you talk to your H about them.. it helps to keep you from Lbing…

Stacia

Hi Stacia,

Thanks for your response.

To answer your question about my son, I have an incompetent cervix, something that I was not aware of when I was pregnant. When my son started to get bigger and put on weight, that caused my cervix to open and an infection found it's way into the amniotic sac. I went into premature labor and he was too small to survive. It was a horrible time in our lives and his one year birthday is coming up this Saturday so emotions are running quite high. Yes, I can have more children but I will be on bedrest for the majority of the pregnancy. We were going to start trying again next month, but now with this other child on the way, I have to put that on hold.

I am feeling really down today and my emotions are so deafening right now. I have no energy to even start working. I have been sitting here looking at the stacks of work all around me and I can't seem to lift a finger. I feel so empty and alone. I talked with my H this morning and it made me feel a little better, but I still am having a really bad time here. I wish I could erase this emptiness and fill it with something good right now.

ab,
Your description of how you are feeling reminds me of myself after I miscarried in '99.
That baby was due June 14th 2000. I miscarried in October '99.

I still look back at sites such as BabyCenter to see what the June 2000 babies are doing. I find myself crying and wondering, "What would my baby be doing now?"
Its a hole in my heart that I know will never be filled.

Seeing as that pregnancy is the FIRST CONFIRMED pregnancy I ever had, that is the one that hurts the most. The ones that I suspect that came before it don't bother me... plus I don't have "time frames" to go with like I do with that one. There are 4 that I suspect prior to '99 and 2 more confirmed following '99.
8 pregnancies.. One living child. My son is 6 months old.

I guess the '99 pregnancy also hurts because one year after the miscarriage is when the OW became pregnant.
I had been in such a state of depression and was beginning to come out of it; I had gotten a new job and was beginning plans to start trying to get pregnant again.

Then the m/c in 2001, just after learning of the A and coming OC, bothered me because I would get to thinking "Why did it have to be MY baby? Why not hers?"

But, all in all, I truly believe that I needed time to heal from the miscarriages... and something else to focus on. I focused on my marriage and protecting this little girl that had come into the world with so much against her.

Now that I have Baby Mac, I look back and am surprised at how far I have come. How much I have learned through this whole situation.

Do you have a support system? Other than your H? Family? Friends?
Losing a child is a difficult thing for people to talk about. Many times they don't know what to say.

Silent Grief is a site for those grieving the loss of a child. There are many there that understand your pain and are very supportive. You may even be able to find a local support group.

I understand your pain. I just wish there were more I could do.
{{{{ab}}}}

Stacia