Wait 'til you read this. If I have sex with WS when he comes for a visit next week, I will legally be the OW!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m new here but have been posting here and there on si.
I read on a thread over there about this one, so here I am.

Reading these posts has knocked some reality back into me but also made the tears flow again.

Here’s my story:
WS and I are common-law, together 6 years, DS 4, DD 2.5
Last July, he moved to Asia for his work and in Sept., I moved with the kids to Europe for my career. The plan was that we would move to Asia to join him in Sept 2004.
We hadn’t seen each other since he left.

On his first visit last month, I found a picture, grilled him and discovered he was PRESSURED into marrying this OW because she was pg. She doesn’t know that she is an OW. I figure they had to have gotten married in Feb of this year when she found out she was 17 weeks pg. (didn’t occur to her that she might be pg, 'cos she has a light flow, and ASSUMED she got her period.) He said that an abortion had to be done that same day since she was so advanced.

He claims that he loves me and that they had already talked about getting an annulment.
He said that he will let ME decide what kind of contact he will have with the OC. (okay, why the hell should I be asked anything, he didn’t ask me if he could screw around AGAIN!!! 1st PA Jan 02. He knows how much it broke me so why the hell did he think he could do it again, and get married. Did he think he could get it annulled and I would never find out?)

As the B common-law S, why would I even want contact with the OC? I am so confused. On the one hand, I wish all kinds of nasty things to OW and the unborn OC, and on the other hand, I don’t want to deny my W CL S any parental feelings. I know he loves our children more than anything in the world, so I think he would want some kind of contact with his OC. Wouldn’t he just be wondering all the time? And what happens if there is NC and he sees them behind my back? 'Cos had I been the one who got messed up with a MM’s marching soldiers, I think I would the child to know his father. I don’t think I could give the child up. I would always wonder what the kid looks like, how he’s doing, etc. I would want CS because I was deceived into believing he was single. But I must be insane for even contemplating these issues.

I’ve read so great ideas in this thread and I will put them to WS as an ultimatum when he comes on Monday.

So I would like to hear about people’s experiences about the OC.
How does WS feel about his OC?
Do you tell your children about their half-sibling?
Do you think you treat the OC as one of your own?
What reasons would you have for adopting the OC?
How does one go about giving up all parental rights?

I don’t know if I can live with sharing my WS with an OC, let alone the OW.

In the past, I have always wanted to adopt a baby to give him a chance at life but now, I don’t know if I could emotionally adopt the OW’s C if she puts it up.

When do you know what the right thing is to do? I read someone’s reply and they strongly believed that there should be NC until the relationship is back on track. I agree and understand but am I being naïve in thinking that if WS doesn’t have a part of that baby’s life (e.g. Ultrasound, delivery, etc.), he would resent me. Why should I even consider this when he didn’t think of all the ramifications of his actions on my life and our children?

You might be short on feedback being a holiday weekend and all....but.....

JFTR:I am a FBS w/ C w/ OC.

I think the first thing you need to do is get CS for your children filed in court of law or however they handle it in whatever country you are in.

The living apart thing sends up some very big red flags, the A and OC being just one of them.

I find this situation EXTREMELY disturbing. It is one thing to have an A, realize the stupidity, come clean and be a changed person BUT he actually MARRIED the OW, who you admit may have not even known she was the OW!!!!!

THIS SAYS SOMETHING RIGHT THERE about the both of you and your relationship.

Why weren't you 2 married to begin w/? and what made you 2 think it was a good idea for your relationship and children to live countries apart for a year? Did you visit each other on a regular basis somehow?

In 8 months of being "apart" he had sex w/ someone else, got her pg, AND got married? This is too wierd.

*************
So I would like to hear about people’s experiences about the OC.
How does WS feel about his OC?
Do you tell your children about their half-sibling?
Do you think you treat the OC as one of your own?
What reasons would you have for adopting the OC?
How does one go about giving up all parental rights?
*************

I think you're jumping way ahead of yourself and all these ??? get answered AFTER you get your relationship figured out.

What kind of man just up and marries someone like that, in just 8 months? Something is not right here!

"ditto"

Good questions.

ember

I agree with KT and Ember....
Twiisty

i figured there wouldn't be too much traffic here over the holidays, since everyone else has a LIFE, and i need to find mine.

i know i am an irrational person jumping from one extreme to the other that's why i wanted to learn from other people's experiences to sort out my problem.

definately i will need to sort out my relationship with WS before any decisions can be made about OC.

about why we are living on two different continents: it was a real financial opportunity for WS to be in country X and for myself to be in country Y for my post graduate work. it was the BEST ??? way to further our careers at the same time. I never would have been to do post grad over in country X and WS would not have been as successful here in country Y.

the original plan was that he was going to visit us and not us him, cos if he came it would only be one plane ticket and if we went if would have been three. things didn't happen like that for a variety of reasons, the big one being financial. any one pay for child's tuition at $5000 US, for a 4 year old.... so u see, the expenses were way more than we expected so we had to save money where we could and the plane tickets was one of them. (hey, i cut coupons, take the kids to free venues, i've done it all to save money but look where it got me.....) but things have really turned around financially. so WS is coming to visit this week for a week and will come again next month.

i have sent him a whole list of things to consider about our relationship. i am in counselling as well. so now i must wait and see what happens when he arrives....

bcd.