Xmm takes the 2 kids once a week. Sometimes our 5yr old daughter throws fits about going. Normally she is thrilled to go. But on occasion she throws a big tantrum. Kicks, hits, screams, wants to be with mom.

How do I handle this? Do I make her go? Let her stay home?

CM~

A 5 yo. usually is capable of communicating why she doesn't want to do something. She must know long before it's time to go, she will be going on that day. What is her demeanor earlier in the day or night before? What does she say, exactly?

Sorry, didn't answer your Q. I'm not so sure it's a simple one. Some help I am. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What is her demeanor earlier in the day or night before? What does she say, exactly?

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When this happened this past Thursday, she was in a bad mood. When I told her that Papa was coming to get her she said she didn't want to go. She said she wanted to stay with me. She was hiding before he showed up. Druing her fit Xmm took her out of the car, said fine and left. You could tell he was pissed. I brought her over to his house 1 1/2 hrs later and she was fine.

In the past when she has thrown fits she says the same thing, she wants to be with me. On occasion when talking about the visits she has she makes comments about the dog following her, but nothing ever bad.

I've not experienced this problem with my kids, they seem to want to see their bio-dad (after 8 years of not being in their lives at all and suddenly "ta da" here I am)

I would catch your daughter in a good mood, and just kind of 'talk' to her. Find out why she did not want to go. There could be deeper issues there that are hard for her to talk due to her age. It could be nothing or it could be that she's not comfortable with something.

I would at least try to find out. Another thing, do you let her know about an hour in advance that "dad's coming to get ya" ? Some kids, if they are in a middle of an activity, don't switch easily and then pitch a fit when they have to abruptly "go".

Not sure, but if it were my daughter, I'd find out. Doesn't hurt to talk to her.

Hope it's just nothing but a case of the fits that can easily be cured!

Twiisty

My POV is this:

Children do not like going back and forth. They do enjoy time w/ parents but.....they know that "something" is not right and they have no control over it. I think that is where the fits come in, trying to let us all know, in their won way that they do not like this arrangement.

I don't think it's because they like one parent more or dislike the other one but just because they have no control over the situation @ all.

With that said, you said that she was in a bad mood to begin w/ that may have contributed to the last episode. Also children, although they are going to the OP home or wherever still feel the loss of leaving the CP.

With this I would suggest a different approach to transitions. P/u & d/o @ a nuetral location as opposed to the child's "home" where they would feel the loss more acutely. Either school, daycare or a park @ least. And also w/o mom present.(of course this won't work @ the park)

This allows the child some down time w/o any pressure. They are not leaving "home" to "go away" but are being p/u from the nuetral site to go WITH OP. If the problem persists it also helps to have things they can SEE, so another idea to help is to have a big calender, the biggest you can find and have it clearly marked w/ a designated color when it is "daddy time". So there is no surprise in the child's mind and it is clearly defined.

Sometimes creating a ritual, (packing a bag, even if for only a few hours) every time helps too.

There is a book, Mom's house, Dad's house, and I think I remember the author as ------Ricci? It is about divorced households but can give you some practical insight and tips.

I would also talk to the father about this and recommend him read the book too. (or find help find his own solutions) This way no one feels distrustful of the other party (YOU made her this way!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> , for example). And you can both be on the same track to help your daughter through this and so that her dad won't get mad @ her for expressing her feelings but encourage her to be able to communicate w/ both her parents.

Crazymum, You mentioned, "the dog following her". Could it be fear of the dog? Sometimes children are afraid "to tell".

ember

my #1s had this problem until he was about 5ish. now his bio mom was a big part of that.

grace has started with the "no poppy no poppy" almost daily thinking that om is coming to pick her up. fh is constantly reassuring her that he is not coming everyday.

when he picks her up and fh i s the one doing the exchange grace gets very upset and clings to fh and cries lately. her vocabulary is growing leaps and bounds but she still is to young to relate what the problem is.

i did the exchange this morning because she doesn't seem to get upset like that when i han her over to om. but this morning she was the same way with me just clinging on crying and saying " no poppy" and "momma". it was very sad. fh called after about an hour and om said that she had calmed down within about 5 minutes and was doing fine.

i think for grace right now it is a matter of her not wanting to go because she doesn't like the reajusting to the other enviornment. also she is at the very huge mommy stage.

Children crying they don't want to go, not wanting to adjust to new enviroments, not wanting to leave mommy.....

Someone please remind me one more time why contact is beneficial for the child.

it's not!

But if you have that opinion then you are just a "selfish, abandoning, dead-beat dad"!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I hold the same opinion. Hopefully nobody thinks I'm a selfish, abandoning, deadbeat dad. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Who cares what others think, (especially when it's mostly tow using those adjectives anyway)?

You don't have C just because of what others may think of you if you didn't--do you?

So, let me get this straight--You've maintained all along C isn't beneficial for you, your M nor your family. You now say it's not beneficial for the OC. Why is it you have continued C? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Don't worry, just talking to myself again, I'm not really looking for any answers. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ April 15, 2004, 10:38 PM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

Update

Delanie went yesterday with no problems what so ever. She had a big smile when she left along with hugs & kisses for me. She came home the same way, telling of her trip to meet her Grandma, Aunt, Uncle and cousins.

So I guess its just a mood thing with her.

CM, I'm glad it went well yesterday. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I still stand by my "transitional" suggestions though. You are her mom so you will know her better than anyone though. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

AD, it's because I did not realize all of "this" in the beginning, now I do but our relationship is established so.....then THAT could really be called "abandonement" if we stopped now.

That is why I advise newbies for NC, now that I know!

We are just living our lives and whatever happens---happens. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I'm living & loving....life is going on and we are surviving. I've got a better "grip" of it now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you KT.

I do know each situation is different. Delanie has been seeing her bio dad since she was 3 months old. I also know kids go through these phases, even with divorced parents.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I've got a better "grip" of it now.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not to be a total pain in the a--but does this mean, you no longer consider C, the second biggest mistake of your lives?

If you were to end C now, it may be perceived as abandonment by some, but I still say, "who cares what others think???". You know what is in your heart, and for what reasons you choose to do things.

Mum~

I apologize for the sidetrack...

I'm glad to hear about the successful visit for your daughter, that must relieve a lot of stress. I would still keep in tune. It may be more than just a mood thing.

Hi Mum,

My SD (not an OC) did the exact same thing at that age. We would meet for pick up and she would cry and cling to her mom ( to make it more dramatic, Mom woould cry with her), once we got her in the car, 2 minutes later she was laughing and couldn't wait to get to Dads house! Every time. It went on for about a year like that. I think it's just a phase they go thru, a clingy stage so to speak with there primary caregiver. We now have 50/50 and she is a well adjusted 11 year old heathen, LOL.

I love your daughters name.

Melissa

i agree with kt's post entitled " my point of view".

i don't agree wit the atatements about vistaion being bad for the c just because they are crying and maybe clinging.

my kids (all of them) have been upset with me or their mom and cried and clung to one or the other of us for some odd reason or another. it had nothing to do with being bad for them because we made a decision in their life that they did not agree with.

grace has clung and cried no to both fh and myself at diferent times. once she thru a fit as we were both leaving fh in her car and me off to work in my truck. grace was crying and kicking not wanting to get into her carseat in fh's van because she wanted to go with daddy in his truck. obviously she couldn't go to work with me so she was FORCED (for lack of a better word) to go with fh. was tis in her best interest? sure.

many times kids just don't understand the situations of the adult world and parents have to make decisions for them that they may not like. and what is their method of letting us know they disagree with us? crying and clinging!!

it is always sad to se a child crying but sometimes they have to do things that they jsut don't understand yet. that is the down side of parenting.