Well, where do I begin?
I used to post here about a few months ago, but internet got turned off cuz couldnt pay the bill. We live day by day and H likes to get things we really cant afford. Like a new baby!
Anyway, I dont know what to do. H had A with a co worker (who is married with a child) and she
became preg. Said that he loved he then but only cares for her now...well a few months ago. Caught he talking to her 3 times before. They said it was because of the baby (but the calls were all OVER 30 min!!!). Havent caught him for about 1 1/2 months, since I went to her house and told her I was his wife not her and that I was sick of the kid games that they were playing. I didnt threatn her, but told her I was sick of the lies and that there was no reson for them to be hiding things or being FRIENDS. Everyone knows what they did and what it did. I guess it finally scared her. She asked me if we would just forget the whole thing and let them (her and her husband) be the parents. She wasnt saying that when she would call him at work to talk about names and stuff. I dont know whats really going on becuase he will not talk to me about any of it!!! When I try to talk he just looks at me and shruggs his shoulders...ahhhaaahhh! I hate that. He says he wants to be with us(our kids) and with me. I told him that I would support him through this all if he would just try to talk to me and work this all out together, but he dosent!! He acts like things were before the A. When I bring it up its like he freezes and dont say anything. And when he does, when I have gotten him to talk he shows emotion for her in some ways. It always ends up bad. I really dont want a divorice. Im scared to death. He was the one person who NO
ONE thought would do this. He has seen many friends even his parents go through A's. I guess that dont matter. I have read alot about A's and why people have them. I understand that depending on what people are going through in life and their relationships can make them do stupid things. That doesnt make it right though! I have done a few things that I shouldnt have done, I did kiss another guy one time. I am not going to make excuses for it even though I want to but still I did that. But it scared me to death!!! All I could think of was how would I feel if he was doing it to me and how could I do that to my family. I didnt want to talk to that person again but I did only to tell him I am married! I dont want to loose my family for anything! H and I wavent had the best relationship but since all thins happened I have read so much and tried to do what MB says and get him to do things also. The only way he would read anyting is if I made him. I dont know. He is a very weird person. He doesnt seem to care much but then again he does. I told him that I could forgive him if we only do this together. He hasnt made anyeffort in it at all.
Well the baby was born. OW's H left a message on my H's cell (which I found myself) saying that the baby looks just like him and their other child and it has the same blood type as him, there was no need to have any more blood tests. I asked my H about what he was going to do. After he said I dont know....I said come on you have to have thought about it, tell me. He said that he was going to call back and want his blood tested. I dont know what to do becuase I have waited around 6 months for us to get close and work this out together but its never happened. Things are fine when we dont talk about this. I have had divorice papers most of the way filled out for 6 months also. Its all to much!! I dont want to give up my kids to anyone including their dad. I wouldnt want to keep them from him. I would not do that to them! But the thought of it kills me! Of course there is much more to the whole messed up story. I just feel like he wants his life at home then have this also. He is so set on being a dad to this child, but to hell what we feel. I told him that I needed conseling we did! He says that we cant afford it and why would he pay that much just to talk to someone he didnt know. He was all about wanting it after the A ended, becuase she suggested it. But now, ha right. I dont want to be alone! I feel so helpless. Lost! Damn him for being so cold. I have told him so much before that I want us to be close and work it all out. He said he did too but nothing has happened. I really and truely feel that he thinks of this as hey this is mine and to hell with everyone else. There are reasons why I think this way. And friends seem to tink it also. Not saying that he wont be a good dad in the long run, but now its like its his suvanier(sorry cant spell it) of his A that made his feel good about himself. I really feel that I need to hang this all up and say its over. I just so scared that I am going to loose my house. I have pets that are like my babies. I need my house! and I dont want to sleep alone(not the sex), not have anyone there. I dont want to start this dating thing all over again. I'm almost 32!!! I thought that I was set. We would grow old together. I just dont see how I can with him becuase he will not let me be his true friend. Be a friend like she was. They used to talk all the time for hours. Go for walks in the park(not where anyone knew him). They even talked about them having sex before it even happened! He told me that. We have only had sex once in 1 1/2 months!!! He acts like he wants to be with his family. But thats not enough. I cant live like this forever. But I dont want to go through it all. Ending it. My kids and I! I feel like I have tried so hard and its went nowhere really. Sorry this has been so long, but I dont know what to do. I want to be happy. But I dont want a family with step this and step that. I dont know.
anyway thanks for listening to me.

I think we have a lot in common. I have also been married since '92, have 11 yo boy, 3 1/2 yo boy, 1 1/2 yo girl & 6 yo OC, girl. I will be 31 on Sat.

I am really sorry for all of this that you are going through. I really don't know what to say. So does OW & OWH really want to raise OC for themselves? If that's true, then that is an excellent idea.

Is your H current behaviour, the way he's "handling" all of this, the way he normally handles things, conflicts, "issues" between you two?

It is not uncommon for WS (particularly H) to "handle" things by NOT handling it at all. Avoiding it all and not doing anything.

You are not stupid to be thinking of all the things you are thinking of, like not wanting to be divorced, not wanting step-families and not wanting to date ect. Those are very valid reasons for not wanting to give up. I admire you for being honest and thinking of more than just yourself. Divorce can be very damaging for kids, regardless of how we want to deny it.

You make total sense to me. Will your H even consider counseling @ all? Or maybe a FREE counselor through church or something?

Take care.

Well, OW asked that once, but I think that she was really only telling me that because I confronted her. Telling me what she thought I'd wanna hear, ya know? Like telling me she will not lie to me about things ever again(she's suposed to be this big christian, right!)

"Is your H current behaviour, the way he's "handling" all of this, the way he normally handles things, conflicts, "issues" between you two?"
He has never really talked to me that much about what bothers him. Which makes it like you think that nothings really wrong. As far as I know he talked to her though and that really ticks me off and makes me sad.
You nailed it when you said "Avoiding it all and not doing anything." He kind of handles things. He has always been that way.

The only way that he will go to counseling is if I go on and on about it and get mad, so I dont feel like its worth the money or trouble if he's gonna be that way. I feel like he should want to at least some.
Today was a pretty good day, but we didnt talk about it. I tried to be positive. Plus he was off work today and he washed the dishes, haha.
Whats going on in your hell if you dont mind me asking. Thank you for repling and your wishes!!

I think any BS will tell you how typical it is for WS to not want to talk about "it" and how "nice" things go when "it" isn't brought up.

It's on our minds all the time though so how can we not bring "it" up? A really good tip that someone here gave me and I have been passing on, is to make appointments to "talk" about these specific issues. This frees both of you up to enjoy each other on the "down" time w/o the threat of a "surprise attack" @ any moment by you and defensive mode and constant "on guard" from your H. You both know what to expect during the "voodoo talks" (as one poster so affectionately named them <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )so there will be know surprises. It's a predetermined amount of time and you DO set a limit. Both of you are fully aware of the "appointment" and agree to end when the time is up AND not to bring things up outside of the appointment. I would go over the Radical Honesty part of this site and agree to it.

It has taken years for my H to be fully honest w/ me about the A. It has taken just as long for me to be able to hear it w/o an immediate negative emotional reaction. Of course my H never wanted to 'talk' about it because I would naturally get hurt and blow up. Now it is different, I can ask anything I want and he answers upfront and straight-forwardly (as far as I know) and I can ask the ?? and hear the answer 'matter-of-factly'. Barely a twinge of emotion.

You have to be able to allow yourself to enjoy your H again too. We can't punish them all the time. The score will NEVER be even, I mean really, can they EVER make this up to us? And why should YOU be miserable all the time too? Let your H love you, be nice to you and just receive it, how can you go wrong?

Are you thinking, well, I don't want him to think that it is all 'just ok' and that I'm ok w/ all of this? I think that way too sometimes and I am reminded that my H KNOWS this was not ok, he KNOWS exactly how I feel about it.

"He did the dishes", it's easy to overlook but I think it is his way of trying to just be nice to you and make you happy, to show you that he cares for you. It was nice wasn't it? I HATE doing dishes so it does wonders for me if someone else does it.

I would read this site over and over again about all the .......wait! You are not new to this, right? You have been here before so..did you read all the material on here before?

I know this is not easy, the hardest thing we have ever faced if not THEE hardest. But depending what you want out of it, it's attainable. If you want a loving, happy and joyful marriage, it's absolutely possible.

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I am doing very well @ the moment, thanks for asking. It has taken over 2 extremely loooooooooooooooooooong years to get to today. We currently have %40 time share w/ OC and are hoping to increase it to 50/50. I am NOT for C w/ OC, personally, but for us we are already in it too far to turn and back out now.

I have to try really hard to focus on where we are right now and not look back and replay the past over and over again. It does get better. Sometimes it seems to take forever but I remind myself of how far we have come so far.
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My H and I just spent a wonderful overnighter in Las Vegas. It was so nice. A king size bed, jacuzzi bath and NO kids! LOL ;)Life is good and I plan on it getting better every day! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

DAW,

Wow sorry about your situation. I dont post on this board but I was lurking and wanted to let you know that YES more blood tests ARE needed.

Having the same blood TYPE is not the same as having the same DNA. I find it very suspicious that OW would make such a comment " the baby looks like you" well I can tell you babies pretty much look alike (I have 4). The next comment "the baby has your blood type, no need for further testing" BIG FLAG.. GET TESTING
first she is married the husband is presumed the father, second you dont know where else she has been. GET THE DNA..Dont let hubby sign ANYTHING.

Again, sorry for this alwful situation..BUT please get the DNA.

<small>[ April 14, 2004, 11:20 PM: Message edited by: StressedOutMom ]</small>