Hi all,

I am not new here but I lurk a lot. Real briefly, my H had a ONS with a "friend" of his and now she is pregnant.

My question for those of you who have taken partial custody of the OC or haven't but have had a H that helped conceive a child from an affair, how have you handled it? What were your H's emotions when this child was born? Did his feelings for the OW differ in any sort of way? My H wants nothing to do with OW but is interested in taking custody or at least partial of this child. This scares me. I would like to be a part of this childs life, but it's so scary to know that this woman will be in my life forever.

DNA is still up in the air, they took a blood test and it didn't conclusively ex him out. So another test will be done after the baby is born.

Help me with any opinions or thoughts. I just want to know what to expect. Somedays I don't feel strong enough to handle all of this. Then other days I jump in head first.

Thanks in advance,
AB

ab,
What kind of blood test was performed?
As far as I know, they can do a DNA test via amniotic fluid.. but they don't take blood from the baby in utero.

Doctors will not do an amniocentesis primarily for a DNA test. It is too risky for that.

Stacia

If this child is confirmed to be from your H AND you BOTH decide that you will be involved in this child's life, yes it will be a long road ahead.

Although there are not too many around here w/ C w/ OC, you still are not alone in this. We will support you either way. H and I have C w/ OC.(joint legal/physical custody, %40 timeshare)

From my experience it is very hard to do and my first recommendation is to NOT go that route. ONLY my personal opinion.

If it is best for all involved to have a relationship w/ OC then forge ahead w/ CAUTION.

I can give you some ideas of what to look out for and what to expect, if you want.

It was very hard for me @ first but in different ways and since then it has gotten easier in some ways and harder in others. It was very hard on my H and I's relationship (& family) but easy to accept OC. Now it's easier on H and I's relationship but harder to be open to OC.

It just depends on you. It was also different for us because we did not get involved until OC was 4 1/2 yo. This may be a good thing or a bad thing. Better for our marriage but harder to assimilate OC into family. Involvement from birth would be (I think) easier to include OC into family but more stressful on a barely starting to heal/recover marriage. But visitation w/ a newborn would not be more than a few hours @ a time to begin w/ anyway so......

It was also hard for us because my H was not honest from the beginning. Originally he told me that it was a ONS and that he did not know about the pg (until after OC born). One week before (years after original "confession")CS hearing he told me that he DID know of pg and was more than a ONS, that was when/why A ended. So that did not help our relationship @ all and we met OC a few days after CS hearing and I had baby #3 the next week.

ANYway...so if you would like to know anything specific, don't hesitate to ask.

Thanks for the response.

Yes, any help would be appreciated at this point. My H and I are working on our marriage and trying to strengthen it before this child is born. There is NC between him and this OW. She was instructed to only contact him when the child is born.

Why do you not recommend going that route. And by that route I am assuming that you mean getting joint custody of OC. I can imagine that this won't make things easier, and in all reality, I would love to have my H and I pick up and move to the other side of the country and forget about this. But I am also torn on his feelings for this OC. He has maintained that he really doesn't want anything to do with the child. "I don't feel that it's MY child emotionally because YOU are not it's mother." That is what he has told me several times and I can totally understand that. It would be very easy for me to ask him to dismiss this child but it would also be very difficult to know that this child is out there somewhere wondering who his Dad is? I know deep down he doens't want to abandon the child, and he already told her that once the OC is born and they get another test done that he will for sure support the child finacially via CS. But I am so torn on this. This baby didn't ask for this and she refuses to give it up for adoption.

Any other feedback or things you think I should look out for or expect, I AM ALL EARS!! I need all the prep I can get. I understand that each situation is going to be different for each couple so I will take what will be useful for me and my H.

Thanks again for your help. It's nice to know I am not alone.

AB

I completely understand your feelings about this AND your H feelings. I think it is more complex for us as mothers because we know the child growing inside of us for 9 months, we feel him kick, we talk to him, our heart is pumping blood directly to the little guy.

For men, it is like this far away foreign thing. They can't feel it, they don't "experience" it like us. So for some W to come along and say hey your the "DAD" and it's not from their wife, well it's pretty hard to believe much less to accept and bond w/ the idea.

Only from my experience, am I against C w/ OC. It has been hard for us, our marriage, children and each other. There are 'hard' feeling on both sides and those feelings have shown themselves in the most destructive and hurtful ways.


I mean who would be happy to have to give up thier child %50 of the time to a man they once wanted for themselves? W/ those dynamics it is very hard to be a "co-parent". Most A partners barely really "know" each other and you are supposed to co-parent together? huh? Yes, many say, if every one acts like an adult it can work, well my thought is if every one was able to act like an adult then we woudl not be here.

We are women, we know how catty we are capable of being. I'm jsut being realistic here. It is very awkward for BC to have to deal w/ this on again/off again sibling. I don't care what any one says. this OC will be coming INTO your home and then leaving. Just as everyone has gotten used to and adjsuted to OC being there---off OC goes again. It is hard for ALL of the children. I don't like the idea of "playing house" and trying to act like this is all so normal yet no one wants to make the OC feel "uncomfortable" but yet.......it's the reality. IT's all just so NOT normal, there is no getting away from it.

I have an 11 yo son who I believe resents OC but struggles w/ the fact that all of this has nothing to do w/ OC and knows it's not her fault. He absolutely HATES having to try and explain about his "sister" who is not here all the time.

My 3 1/2 yo son acts wierd sometimes too. He struggled w/ his emotions about it as well, going back and forth between "hating" daddy & "hating" OC. He would be very upset when it was time for OC to go home and we had to deal w/ that constantly. When OC arrives he tries to re-establish himself and the "rules" of his "turf". He wants all of OC attention (reassurance?) and gets his feeling easily hurt when OC is not reciprocating his attention. HE does not act this way w/ his other siblings.
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If you BOTH decide to have C w/ OC, then I would go for JOINT physical/legal custody from the get go, "primary residence" w/ mother, that is how it is in our state at least. Do this @ the same time when you file for CS. Your H can file first upon the birth of baby and let OW file for CS or they may do it @ the same time.

This means that H retains ALL rights to the child. Legal custody means that your H can make decisions regarding OC in cases of an emergency and is entitled to be a part of all other decisions regarding child (like educational, religious, health/medical ect.)

Primary residence w/ mother means that the OC currently spends the majority of time w/ mother but that you still have JOINT custody. I think it is best to establish this as early as possible because it is not automatic and the longer you wait, the harder it will be and then it will be contingent on OW agreement to it.

You can expect the CS to be high @ first, basically %20 of H net income, that is w/ O% timeshare. As you OC grows and you gain more time, you will be entitled to modify the CS lower. This is also why it is very important to establish YOUR CS first.

We didn't experience C w/ OC as an infant or toddler but I would imagine your C will be very limited @ first to just a couple hours @ most, per occasion. Especially if OC is breast fed, which is best, of course. If the child is on formula then vistiation can last longer. BUT C should be w/ OC ONLY and not w/ OW. This would be uncomfortable and is also why C and custody should be established from the beginning. Ask your laywer how soon you can do this. There need not be any other C w/ OW until OC is born.

Get all arrangements, visitation schedules, custody in WRITING. Even if there is a change of schedule all of a sudden, communicate through email. Make it a stipulation in the original order that all changes be requested @ least 14 days (or whatever you are comfortable w/)in advance, in writing.

Things that you set up now, from the beginning will go a long way to the pattern that is developed as the child grows. All communication should be in writing. The child can have a log book that goes back and forth to each parents home to communicate needs, last diaper change to medicinal instructions, temperment ect.

Obviously there has to be communication between all of you, the point is to make it as minimal as possible w/ OW. I would even go so far to have your lawyer stipulate in your H parenting agreement that ALL communication is to be about the minor child ONLY. We just learned of this and it would have prevented many unneccesary conversations and comments by OW towards us and me.

If the OC will be in daycare, even as an infant, then all transfers can be from there to avoid C w/ OW even more. As the child gets older then from school. Our current schedule is p/u OC from school, there is overnights so when our time is done, she is dropped back off @ school. I firmly beleive this makes it easier for children to adjust or unwind, in a nuetral environment.

I also recommend that ALL visits (I hate calling it that! sorry) include you. It will be easier on both of you when it is firmly established that p/u & d/o do not include OW, then H can go by himself since OW will not be there.

Do you know the sex of the OC? I think 'care', either way, @ least in the beginning will naturally fall more on you. YOu & H need to decide what you both will be comfortable w/. Are you going to feel resentful and leave it all the baby care to H since it's not yours? No one realy knows how they are going to react until they are there but just something else (of all the millions of things) to think about.

For example, our OC is a girl. Obviously my H couldn't be taking her to the bathroom when we were out. I am the one who gives her baths and showers. This did help bond her to me because she was used to being taken care of predominantly by women. And how can you deny a helpless child?

There is just so much and I don't want to overwhelm you but I think these are some good basics to begin w/. Let me recap:

1) JOINT legal/physical custody
2) transfers @ a nuetral location
3) visits w/ OC ONLY, mother need not be present
4) ALL communication in writing (ie: email, avoids unneccesary C w/ OW)
5) Custody/parenting agreement in writing
6) ALL communication is to be about minor child ONLY