My husband cheated on me with a co-worker about 19 months ago. I just found out about 2 weeks ago. They both said it only happened one time, but there is a 10 month old baby that is my husband's (took paternity test). We also have a 3 yr old daughter and a 3 month old son. He was the one to finally tell me, but it took him until this baby was 10 months old. He wants us to work things out and stay together, but I don't know if I can. If there wasn't another child involved I could see it working out, but I don't know if I can deal with him being the father of a child that was conceived with another woman during our marriage. I just don't know what to do.

I am very sorry to welcome you here but you are in the right place.

I will first give you some of the standard advice we give around here.

Get an attorney and file for a legal separation and CS. This will protect you and your children, whatever ends up happening. In most states whoever files for CS FIRST gets the biggest cut from H pay. You do not have to really separate, H can use a PO box or something. This allows you time to focus and work on your marriage before making any rash and final decisions.

Otherwise if OW files first OC will get the highest percentage of CS and you and your children will only be eligible for a percentage of the left overs. The state does not usually consider the children of the home. I know this is a hard time but think clearly on this. If you and H stay together then this will secure some funds to stay in the household too.

Now, the direction your marriage takes will depend on what is happening now. Is A still going on? When did it end? Has H been having visitation/relationship w/ OC behind your back? Do H and OW still work together?

Read EVERYTHING here on this site, the POJA, emotional needs questionnaires, Love busters, EVERYTHING. AND get to a VERY good marraige counselor, one who is PRO-marriage. Those that have used the Harleys here, rave about them and that they are worth the $$$$$.

If you decide to stay together, it is totally possible. You will find many recovered marriages here. I know it can be very difficult to overcome but not impossible. Think about what you would be giving up if you were to divorce, you say you have a 3 month old? What will happen to your children?

I bring this up because H and I have been going to court for over 2 years for visitation/custody for OC and we are more convinced that divorce and going back and forth for children is extrememly hard on them. I don't recommend any one do that to thier cildren.

I also do not recommend C w/ OC but if your H has already established a relationship w/ OC then that is different. Then you will need to set some very specific ground rules and boudaries.

My H never told me until A was over and OC was 6 months old, and he also said it was a ONS but that was not true. I did not find out until years later the true nature of their relationship. Still, we are happily married today and enjoying our lives together. Your marriage can be better than ever and this will only be a part of the big picture, not the defining factor of your life.

Try to get some rest, take care of yourself, eat, and take walks or some kind of excercise. This will help you to stay focused and strong for your little one. Breathe. You need the fresh air. It will help clear your mind.

They both said that it was a One night stand. They no longer work together. She quit after telling him she was pregnant, but she continue to call him at work about the pregnancy/baby. He denied being the father until the paternity test came back. (he requested and paid for to have done). He has not had any visitation with OC. My Children (3yrs & 3mo)will not get involved in this. At this point they will not know OC. I think she wants us to split up even though she claims she doesn't want my husband for herself. She may not want him now, but she doesn't want us to stay together either. He has started paying support but doesn't want visitation. I think he doesn't want visitation because of me. We will be going to Marriage (Pro) counseling ASAP.

<small>[ April 16, 2004, 07:13 AM: Message edited by: sking98 ]</small>

I am a firm and strong believer in no contact with oc/ow. I will tell you why later.

First thing you have to do, pronto, today, immediately.....get to an attorney FAST. If your husband is giving her money, without a court order of child support, that will be considered a gift, and he could be hauled back in and forced to pay back child support. SO, if he is not under a court order, run and get yourself and your children protected. File for child support, based on your legal separation. As per KT's explanation above. That is urgent.

As for the contact/no contact. I am firmly and 100% against any type of contact whatsoever. I believe, whole heartedly that contact is to damaging to the nuclear family and only benefits the oc. So many ow cry foul and whine about what is best for the child. As if the oc is the only child who will or can be hurt by this situation. I firmly believe that you need to be the one to protect your children, both financially with cs, and emotionally. I see no reason why the children of the marriage and the wife need to alter their morals and their lives, and suffer to accomodate the oc. The oc is not the only person who matters here. Remember that. You and your children do not owe the oc an instant family. Not your concern.

Your husband has not seen oc? Does not want contact? I think that is good. It allows for a clean separation and removes ow/oc from disrupting your lives and your future. GET A LAYWER. Protect yourself. Let everyone take their piece of the hurt pie and move on.

Get the child support order for you and your children in place. Then get cs set up legally for oc. Then move on. Leave the ow/oc to their lives and you move on with yours.

You can get past this, however it will be hard and it will take time. He has to be totally honest with you at all times. How are they communicating right now? There is absolutely no reason for them to be talking about anything, not even the oc. Laywers can handle that. That is why you need to get cs in place for you and your children FIRST. Then slap her with papers establising cs etc for oc. Also, in those papers clearly define that you are choosing no contact and stick to it.

As for your marriage, read here. You can survive and thrive. You will be happy again. You will celebrate holidays, birthdays, family success. You will be fine.

Keep posting and reading here. There are some wonderful people here and they will help you. Use the search feature and look up old messages by KT, Catnip, even myself and read. We have been involved with some long, sometimes tought debates to the whole oc issue. You will learn that everyone has a different situation and experience. It will be worth your time to gain as much knowledge and insight you possibly can.

It sounds like you are on the right track already. Good for you, except you really do need to get a lawyer and CS set up ASAP. I can't stress this enough.

Everything Lynn says about the negativity of C is true. We have C w/ OC and everything people warn that can happen and what OW will try to do HAS happened. Blessed for us, the only thing that did NOT happen was OW and H getting back together! H hates her. But all the other drama, upheaval and madness does happen when there is C w/ OC.

Take care, we are here if you need us.

I emailed you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />