Hello all. Have been lurking and reading the site since Dec. of this year. First, just wanted to say how much a site like this means to someone who feels she's entirely alone! Thanks. Here's my story:

Found out 1 week before wedding fiance had 1NS with ex-g...and there was a possibility of pregnancy. She's married (albeit unhappily) and has tried numerous times (always unsuccessfully before)to come between us. She's quite devious, unstable which I won't belabor at this point. OW to the extreme.

I may probably catch a lot of flack for this, but after I found out, husband and I had massive soul-searching "conversations", we decided to work through this, make marriage to one another our priority, etc. Oddly enough, while devastating, it was a huge catharsis initially after i found out -- he had been acting so distant, unloving (completely unlike him). Textbook cheater behavior, but we have never had an issue like this in the 5+ years we dated. I guess I was relieved on some level that I knew what was going on and could stop blaming myself.

So, we've been married now for a while, and we're waiting for this baby to be born in June. OW did go through amniocentisis, but the results were inconclusive due to extra tissue left from miscarriage earlier this year. (We got this info from the doctor direct.)

So, we're in the holding pattern from hell. We've been working on us, communicating...I've been working through trust issues, regaining intimacy, etc.

It's mostly ok right now, and sometimes I feel hope plummeting to the pit of my stomach. H does not have contact with OW often (only when she has dr. updates, and these are via vM or e-mail). I guess I'm just asking for your support during for me/us during this time. Any advice would be welcome.

I don't know what I'll do if the results are bad. I truly don't. But I am glad you're here if it is.

Whew!!!!! ok so you have made your M a priority. That is great and a terrific step. If you continue to do that....things can only get better.

Have you and H decided on C or NC if DNA proves him to be the sperm donor?

Personally, I go for NC. I am living through it....talk about H$!! in more ways than one.

I find it very devastating and if it's healing you are looking for---well the prescence of an OC (from the H, different if from W) makes it so much harder to overcome. We also have BC, (you don't right?) so there is that much more to deal w/ and more "people" and "hearts" to look out for.

What's w/ the "updates"?......you don't even know if H is the sperm donor yet. You don't have to hear about all that. Does OW H know about fling w/ your H? Legally, he will be presumed the father unless paternity is challenged by your H. Children born into a marriage are automatically presumed to be products OF the marriage.

Either way, you will find support for whatever path you choose, C or NC.

If come June, that "little bundle of joy" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> is your H, and you BOTH decide C, then I can give you some guidelines to follow to make the rocky path a little more smooth.

I am totally against C w/ OC BECAUSE we currently have C w/ OC, joint legal/physical custody, %40 timeshare, OC is 6 yo. It sucks, trust me, we had to learn the hard way.

I know, other's disagree and that's ok w/ me.

Take care of yourself and your H. You can make it through this too. I'm sorry your marriage had to start out this way.

You're not going to catch any flack on this site for choosing to work on your marriage! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

First of all, you are experiencing the worst possible thing that can happen to a marriage. An affair is bad enough, but to include an OC into the mix "squares" the pain. There is nothing worse. Nothing.

But you CAN make it through this. You are NOT alone. There are many others on this site working through the same problems and their marriages are not only surviving but thriving!!

Please read all sections on this site. Learning the Harley Principles is the best place to start. The General Welcome for New Builders has lots of VERY useful and important information. There is an Emotional Needs Questionaire that you and your spouse should fill out and then discuss together. Some strongly suggest you both get into marital counseling with a pro-marriage counselor, preferably someone familiar with the Harley Principles (because these policies really work). Phone counseling is available on this site with the Harleys.

The Rules of Radical Honesty (RA)and Rules of Protection along with the Policy for Joint Agreement (POJA)will help your marriage recovery.

The hardest thing is the disappointment and confusion over the betrayal. The shock that someone you love so much is capable of doing something so horrible is something you'll never be able to shake completely. It will get easier in time. I know it is hard to imagine now that there will ever come a time where you won't be in agonizing over all this, but you will get through this as long as your spouse works the recovery. This is a time for you and your spouse to re-connect, to talk openly and honestly about what has happened and why it happened, and then to make every effort to re-build your marriage. This is a time for the two of you to concentrate on each other.

There are wonderful, knowledgable, caring people on this site. Keep posting and draw from the wisdom and strength of those who have been through this and survived it, and those that are traveling that same road with you. Just know you are not alone and that recovery is possible and that you won't always feel this horrible. It will get better. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Until the baby is proven to be your husbands, there is absolutely no reason for her to be updating him on anything. Get a laywer to write her a letter telling her to cease.

You and your husband need to decide about contact, IF it turns out to be his. Remember, there is a 50-50 chance it will not be. I hope it isn't. But, if it is his, what do YOU want. Not what does he want, or ow or Joe Blow down the street. What do YOU want. Then find out what HE wants. That is where you need to start. If he wants contact and you don't, but agree to keep the peace, it will not be an honest start. Anger will grow. And the same if he only agrees to not see the oc to please you. You BOTH need to feel 100% sure of the same thing for this to work.

I am so against contact. I find it to destructive to all involved. Everyone take a piece of the hurt and moves on with their lives. The oc is not more important then you, and your future children. I think everyone is better off moving on.

Do not have contact with this woman. There is no reason at all.

Does he husband know? Personally I think he should be told if he doesn't.

Since I'm at work now, I can't type too much...but thank you, thank you, thank you all for the helpful feedback!

Yes, we have been using some of the tools on this site to help address marriage issues. Joint agreement, questionairres, etc. We do need to keep working on this.

No, OW H does not seem to know. Or, if he suspects, he is choosing NOT to know. My H and I truly do feel like he should, but to this point have been unwilling to make that contact. Seems some people here support him knowing. I guess I'm a bit afraid that if OWH knew, he would kick her (sorry) self out, and then she'd definitely come looking to my H to be an involved part of raising this child. And more than $$, emotional involvement and a lifetime with HER.

Right now, I am leaning towards NC, if H is father. And it's a lot more about the OW than the baby.

Like that idea of cease and desist for OW. She'd hate that.