I read your posts and find myself in similar ground. I have not been posting in a while. I have been to disgusted with my life. My H is still out of the house and I am losing my mind. I can not help n=but argue or bring up what he plans on doing about this A, OW, and OC. It is consuming my life. Every breathe that I take is this A.

My children are suffering because daddy is not home. H has been staying in a hotel for the last month. We have been seperated for the last eight months, and I am tired. H states that he wants to come home but all of his actions say otherwise.

H says that if I give him some time all my questions will be answered and our lives can move forward, but I find myself not being able to do that. I feel that I must take control of the situation or it will never be resolved.

I came to the conclusion today that He must have no contact in order for me to even consider staying in thisa marriage. I somtimes think that I am so bent out of shape to keep this marriage because I hate to fail at anything!!!

We spend absolutley no time together and the time that he does try to spend with me I only spend the day bringing up the A and the Pregnancy!!!

I don't know what else to do? I have tried not to call and even privoked a fight last week with him!! Yes a physical fight!!

Will it ever get better?
What do I do now ?
I know the 180 list should be next, but I'm afraid I'll fail at it. I want to get to the point you are at! HELP! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by JT2:
<strong> I read your posts and find myself in similar ground. I have not been posting in a while. I have been to disgusted with my life. My H is still out of the house and I am losing my mind. I can not help n=but argue or bring up what he plans on doing about this A, OW, and OC. It is consuming my life. Every breathe that I take is this A.


JT2 You are so new into finding out about OW'S pregnancy that it is all consuming to you right now. In the beginning it was for me too, so it is normal to be so upset. I cried every day, didn't eat , prayed, cried some more and wanted to die! I refused my H's calls. He sent a card a day to me telling me how sorry he was and that he loved me. We started "dating" again in about three weeks. He had moved out on d-day so I was hit with a confession and then my husband moving out all within an hour! There I stood, alone, not knowing what to do. I was doubled over from pain. I DO know how you feel


My children are suffering because daddy is not home. H has been staying in a hotel for the last month. We have been seperated for the last eight months, and I am tired. H states that he wants to come home but all of his actions say otherwise.

Had you been seperated since finding out of the A and THEN OW got pregnant? Your H never stopped seeing her?


H says that if I give him some time all my questions will be answered and our lives can move forward, but I find myself not being able to do that. I feel that I must take control of the situation or it will never be resolved.


Well, one question must be has he given up contact with ow? He must begin to be honest with you or all bets are off on moving home. I did that too soon, within a month. The A was over BUT on more than several occassions my H called ow concerned about what to do about OC. When I found out through ow's message on his answering machine AND a letter she sent saying how they just got off the phone, I told him again to not lie or we would be over. We began to follow the concepts here on MB but after his being home about 3 months I found another message indicating to me he had lied again and told him to leave....I started plan B. It was very hard to do but I had tons of support and was determined to begin a new life. I was scared, but scared was better than being lied to and pain! H was only gone about one month. He moved home when I was at work one day and begged me to give him a chance to be the best H he could. I did. Reluctantly.


I came to the conclusion today that He must have no contact in order for me to even consider staying in thisa marriage. I somtimes think that I am so bent out of shape to keep this marriage because I hate to fail at anything!!!

We spend absolutley no time together and the time that he does try to spend with me I only spend the day bringing up the A and the Pregnancy!!!


If you can manage to do plan A and you want your H home then do it! It won't be easy for you. You must stop all the physical violence for all of your sakes if you want some kind of resoloution. Do not question him everytime you are alone. Set aside a time limit for that discussion and stop before either of you two become so upset you want to strike out at your H. He must be so confused as are you. He must begin honesty with you and be accountable for his time and calls. He must tell you if ow is still calling and together do what is necessary to prevent those calls....changing your phone number is good... Once you begin to feel safe you will be able to talk together. I would suggest a church counselor as it is free and can provide a safe place to talk freely. Once you begin to talk you will know where your feelings for each other are. Then away from counseling do somthing together you enjoy, like taking a ride for an icecream cone and just enjoy being together. It takes time...lots of time... Work on YOUR marriage, get on the same page and do not worry yet about pending baby. Once you two are honest and have a POJA in place you will begin depositing in each others love banks, your emotional needs will be able to be discussed without a battle,(no lb'ing) and once the baby arrives you will need an attorney and a DNA. It is an unsettling time for sure but you can work through this if you are willing to do most of the work in the beginning. Honey just quit being his complete enemy. Take time to talk and follow the principles here. Remember " A day at a time". Prayer will also lead you to a better place.


I don't know what else to do? I have tried not to call and even privoked a fight last week with him!! Yes a physical fight!!

Will it ever get better?
What do I do now ?
I know the 180 list should be next, but I'm afraid I'll fail at it. I want to get to the point you are at! HELP! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'll say a prayer for you. Please take your time in allowing your H to come home. Honesty must start from day one and all contact must end until the baby arrives. Work on yourselves and have that lawyer in the wings. Prayers of peace...love Debi

Thank you so much for answering my post. I have been waiting for some good advice and support. I have also made an appointment with a counselor for this weekend. I can no longer do it alone. I have tried to plan A but fail at it royally. He responds well to me just loving him and spending happy times with him and our children.

But then I look at him and imagine what the future holds and get angry. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

We were seperated when he got her pregnant!! I had put him out of the house and while out of the house I guess he turned to her. All the while telling me tht he loved his family and wanted to return home. I guess you could say that I threw him right into her awaiting arms.

He says that he has no contact with her. I believe him only because I called her to find out myself. I got her number from my caller Id she was the one to call my house at 4:00am one morning asking for my H. She acted like she was shocked to find out that he was married. H was there with me asleep in our bed.

I was overwhlmed because I thought that it was over. We had been getting along good and working on our marital issues together. I guess she was upset that he was not spending as much time over there. She also told me that he was living over there with her - a big shocker!! H told me that he was rooming with a friend (male friend).

So this is how I found out. Oddly enough he seemed to be so relieved that everything was out in the open. When I asked him how could he do this he said "you know that I have been trying to come home for months now, but how do you tell your wife that you have had an A and now OW is PREG?"

I then got angry and put him out again!! I find myself turning away from him and then pushing him further away from me. He seems to want to be with me and the kids but I can't seem to get past the anger. I also feel as though I have to tell what to do. I have a control issue when it comes to this marriage I always have. Unfortunately, I have done this our entire marriage, with everything including the kids. He says that it got so bad that he did not want to come home and argue or fight with me - he just wanted peace. So I guess he found it with someone else.

I know that I have not done a good plan A as of yet. It will last for maybe two or three days then I 'm back to the old argumentative me. So I'll try to do another plan A but I also feel like I might be waisting my time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

He just told me last night that he does not want a divorce he loves me and the kids very much, He just want to be sure that I can forgive him and be willing to live our lives and not dwell on it every second of the day.

He has not spoken with her according to him since that day. When I called her to see what her plans were she did not want to talk to me and she told me to work it out with my H. So should I believe that she is a smart woman and l;eave us alone or should I look forward to my worst nightmare. I want NC with OW and OC for the sake of me and my children. H says he knows that that is the only way to get over this. H states that he does not want this to effect our lives on a daily basis nor does he want our kids to have to deal with this.

I'm lost? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ May 04, 2004, 11:16 AM: Message edited by: JT2 ]</small>

I just had to jump in here to say that everything you describe is SO normal. You sound just like H and I were (the emotional state).

I would be so tortured and it was like I didn't want to be angry and push him away but I couldn't help it. Then H didn't want to be talking about it ALL the time but I was living through agony & torture ALL the time. We were pushing each other away when we needed & wanted each other the most.

It HAS gotten way better. Our marriage is less volatile. We can both talk about "it" non-chalantly now, less emotional.

I am calm and can ask a question like it's no big deal and he will answer and then it's gone. It doesn't "torture" me anymore.

So I just wanted to encourage you that it can and will get better. IT's just dealing w/ those first months of everything and it's very chaotic and RAW. IT will calm down.

Thanks KT,

Please feel free to jump in at anytime. I appreciate your thoughts as well as anyone's. I do feel so helpless and I am sure that it will get better it's just that I am impatient and am rushing it.

I don't know what to do. The baby is due in just a couple of months and I want it to be resolved now!! I love him but have not (and I can admit it now) been a good wife.
I put limitaions on just what we could do and what we would do. H has gone along with what I wanted this entire marriage and it has done nothing but upset and hurt him ten to top it off I LB royally!!

I am trying but I guess not hard enough since it only works for a couple of days. Please tell me that we can survive this. I am so afraid of not being able to make it. I now even look at other prosects if we don't make it work. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

That's so bad I know, but I almost feel that I have to do something to save face in this whole situation.

Thanks KT, please don't leave me now I need you all for support! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

JT2 You are not lost.
Your H is making attempts to help you out and you must not turn him away in anger.

Remember the song, "Smile though your heart is aching, Smile even though it's breaking"?

That is sort of how planA is. It takes a lot of willpower to be calm when discussing things. Your counselor should provide a neutral zone for you two to hash it out together while offering suggestions on how to communicate if he/she is good.

If you want to stay married you must open YOUR heart and hear him speak, JT2. Give him a safe zone to tell you how he feels. If you continue to attack him he will cower into a corner again.

It seems you have a few problems beside the affair to work through. No more disrespectful judgements from you. I know it will slip and come out at times...when that happened to me I'd tell my H I hate the woman he turned me into, that I didn't recognize her any more! He understood. I just didn't make it a habit.

Before you can discuss what you need to save your marriage (oc/NC) you should fill out the emotional needs questionaire. Print one for your H and bring it to your counselor.

When you two get it together emotionally you will be able to do a POJA knowing in advance what each others needs are.

My H knew I could not be married and have an altered life because of what had happened. We did discuss things and through me had one visit w/oc. I had to at least try because he didn't know what to do! Guilt had overtaken him AND our Church priest counseled him and ow together behind my back asking him to be a Dad.

Once was enough. Too much to go into but we met a hurdle at every turn, beginning with ow wanting H to see oc at her place. That was in our POJA....no going and playing house with ow/oc. It didn't happen. Ow would not let me make arrangements, she would not call the new phone line we had installed in our home just for her, she continued to call H's cell and he would hang up. If that didn't work she would mail gifts and pictures and love letters all of which H immediately gave me.

Our lawyer asked her lawyer repeatedly to tell her to quit any further contact and she would not listen.

At the end of my rope after 3 months of agony, and us not repairing our marriage but rather have continuious heated discussions WITH ow about what she would and would not do I had had enough.

Lovingly I told my H I was bowing out. I would not stand in the way of him and oc but could not do the drama any longer. Much to my surprise he said he'd had enough, he did not feel bonded with oc, he wanted us to begin again without outside influences of ow/oc and on that day our marriage began to heal.

Once you begin to quit being angry, do a POJA, work on you two, the rest will follow JT2.

If he said he wants you and your babies then give it a try....

Prayers for calmness coming your way.

love
Debi

thank you so much for the encouraging words. You have no idea what this all means to me. i agree with everything that you have said and I am going to try to get it together. I must try to be more comforting but I always feel that I am not worth it, maybe he is really better off without me -wow that's the first time that I have said that out loud to anyone.

I feel as though I might not deserve his love especially after I have treated him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I know what you are saying is true but I almost feel like if I am patient then I will lose him. Failure is not an option!! That concept I believe has helped me to destroy my marriage.

Thank you for listening to me I am on the verge of giving up on this marriage all because I feel like I am the one who's doing all the work. I now understand that I need him to feel like I love him unconditionally. He keeps telling me that he is not coming home until I can look him in the face and tell him that I forgive him. H states that all he is asking for is a little time to sort through what is going to occur next.

He tells me that he definately wants his family he loves me he says that I just need to calm down and relax and let us grow close again. But I'm afraid of doing that because I think that he will leave. I profess to be the strong person who does not need any body; but that is not true I guess that I am afraid of not having the fairytale romance and someone to love me forever.

What do you think I should do first? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I told him the other day that I was filing for DIVORCE!! I didn't really mean it I just did not know what else to do.

But I always seem to think about it to the point that I bug my attorney to death.

Does he really want me? That is the question that I am afraid of most.

I can appreciate the "responsibility" you are taking for the state of your marriage, this was still H choice. He could have always divorced first. It takes a strong woman to admit her wrongs in this. But this is not ALL your fault.

Have you also explained to your H that you do not mean to be this way but you just feel so overwhelmed @ times that it seems to take over?

I just had this same talk w/ my H last night. When we already have these personality traits and habits ingrained in us for years, it comes out so automatically that it takes a LOT of willpower and self-control to change. You and h need to be patient w/ each and cut yourself some slack.

Don't give up on each other before you even give it a good try. A good marriage counselor and concepts like the Harleys have here, should help you both find ways to communicate and respond to each other in more productive ways.

have you ever tried kick-boxing? I'm serious. IF you have all this rage & anger, i think you need a good, hard physical work-out (more than just a walk) to help you release all of that. While your kicking and boxing you can be yelling and screaming or saying all those things that you think but don't want to LB on your H w/. Then, how much more releived and relaxed would you feel after you have exhausted it all physically, emotionally, verbally & mentally? I'm serious, I bet if you & H didn't talk about any "issues" until AFTER a work out like this, you would be less likely to feel so volitile, be able to think more clearly and rational and less likely to LB that way. Just an idea.

Try to not talk about issues unless it is the appointed time (whatever you guys decide) then you can start to enjoy the other times you have together. My H would say the same types of things as your H & we just kept butting heads. I wanted all my questions answered RIGHT NOW and he wanted us to "move on" RIGHT NOW! Impossible for BOTH sides. There is a happy medium. Take your time adn you will find what will work for both of you, like appointments to talk about issues.

I know you do not want to push your H away. And I bet, since you always felt like the "strong one" who never needed anyone, you are feeling very insecure and needy now and that is quite a different feeling that you are not used to and probably don't know what to do w/ it.

That's how I was anyway. I never "needed" my H, I loved him sure, but I never "needed" him. I had an attitude like I could take him or leave him. He wanted to feel "needed" & "wanted". After A I felt so needy and insecure I was smothering to him.(& rightly so) We had to learn the balance, together.

You can also do your venting & LB here and your rational thoughts and calmness for your H. Many spouses do that and I think it helps. Do what works for youa dn we will be here to support your amrraige and healing.

KT,

You are great and so inspiring it is unbelieveable. I don't know what else to say other than thank you for your support. It is almost like you are reading my mind and my heart. Are you sure that you are not somewhere in there?

I am trying to do just what you said; I know that's why I have not given up on our marriage because I never really put forth the effort to make it a good one. Don't get me wrong it is not all my fault by no means I just mean that I was not the best wife ( supportive and caring for his feelings).

I do feel so needy and insecure about everything now but I am trying to cope with that. You have been great and I feel so much better.

I never really posted because I always feel as though I would not get a response, but thanks for listening and giving me some encouraging words on this issue. I's good to talk to someone who's been there before. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you so much and I will look forward to talking to you in the next few days to keep you all posted.

Thanks - I needed that!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Keep me in your prayers!

JT2,
You do have other options besides divorce.

You can try to come to terms with your H through counseling together. Perhaps to repair damage you feel you've done to your marriage, that's a biggie, your admitting you never treated him as though you needed him. That is still not an excuse to take your emotions out on the town! Your H needs to help you overcome such a shocking event as this A and pending oc.

Kt has great advice in using something physical as a buffer to your anger. I never stopped jogging and walking on my treadmill during our whole ordeal. It does help release your anger. Try doing something like that.

Why not give counseling a try? If the end result is to be divorced, at least you gave it your all JT2. Do it for yourself and your H as well as those toddlers. You don't know what can happen in the future. You may be surprised to realize you actually do need your H. It takes time to sort through all of this, but it is worth it if it means you'll come out on the other side understanding one another and much happier than you think.

Now.....let him move home if all contact has ended, hire a lawyer to be ready for the oc...work on YOU TWO in the meanwhile to gather strength together for what is coming next.

To repeat myself, if it doesn't work out at least you tried. You owe yourself that much. To try.

I know this is horrible. I know how you feel. You can survive this. Your will power is all you need.

Continued prayers JT2.

love
Debi

Gemini1,

I have made an appointment for couseling this Friday. I am looking forward to that. I continue to go to the gym I work out and do weight training. I will allow him to come, because we love him and miss him. My kids will be so happy.

It is just so hard not to believe that this will be the destruction of our family. How could this be happening, but maybe I needed a wake up call as well. I'm listening LORD.

Thank you for the support and confidence in me - Keep me in check please!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Continued prayers too.

love
Debi

JT2 wrote:It is just so hard not to believe that this will be the destruction of our family. How could this be happening, but maybe I needed a wake up call as well. I'm listening LORD.
**************
**************

Yes it is a wake up call, for BOTH of you. Sometimes it does take some thing so horrific to do it.

Take it from many here who have gone through it (and live to tell) no it does NOT have to be the destruction of your family. It is a process, a grieving process, but the love will return, the romance, the fun, the respect and admiration, all those things are capable fo returning to your marriage and even more and better than before.

Do we all wish it just would have all went away and NEVEr happenend to begin w/? EVERYDAY!!!, but I don't wish for my "old" marriage back either.

Let yourself go through the process and it will all happen in time, God's time to be sure.

Go through the questionnaires ect on this site for a good starting point. It will give you both a clear picture of what you both want/need from each other and what you were both missing from each other.

Have you read The Proper care & Feeding of Husbands? I think I remember you responding to that thread I started. So that probably filled you into a lot of what you weren't doing (if that was you), from what you've said. But it does not mean that you cannot do it now.

I don't mean to imply to ignore your own emotions about the A either but just to focus on the things YOU can do to improve your marriage and then w/ a counselor, work on the things you can do to cope w/ all the emotions resulting from the A.

***********
My OWN opinion-------I think one of the reasons (of so many) that spouses cheat are because they really do NOT want to end the marriage. It seems that the OP just fills in a gap that the FS isn't, and so the WS goes for it but keeps the FS there because that is who they really love and want to be w/. That is how my H seems to explain it to me, w/ us. He says that he ALWAYS wanted me, and knew if he ever had to choose, he would choose me. There was no doubt in his mind. That is why he never just got divorced in the first place. He did not want our relationship to end, he just "wished" that ALL of his needs could have been met by me and then it would have been "perfect".

I take no responsibility for his A but I can recognize my place in allowing our marriage to get to that point. H mistake was not putting in the effort to let me know about his needs so that I could meet them. We both failed each other. We both made choices that were detrimental to our relationship BUT after realizing it all, we have both made choices to stick it out, no matter what, and make GOOD choices from now on, and we have been blessed in our marriage.

I hope this makes sense to you.

hang in there, your marriage really can survive this, let your H love you, comfort you and be there for you. He needs and wants you, too.

KT did you really like that book?? Could I get it from borders--My H and I got to where we were not meeting each needs--we were not talking the same love languages--looking back that hurts me to know that.

LOVED it, mostly stuff I already know, now. (good reminders and encouraging) Only regret is that it wasn't written 8 years ago (before A). I'll bump the thread up so as not to hijack this one. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

KT,

That was me I am in the process of reading the book (Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands). I am learning so much from it, most of the things that the men were complaining about I did / do tem an a regular basis. It's become an awakening for me to here it from somewhere else. My H would try to tell me that I did not have to act that way yet I kept on because I did not want him to tell me what to do.

He even told me that if I wasn't careful he would lose the love he had for me - even now he'll tell me that he loves me to death, but I don't understand that he does not wnt to live like we've been living. He doesn't want us to fight/arge in front of the kids and he doesn't want to be disrespected by me, or even talked down to. I had to realize that I was doing all of it on a regular basis which is my contributing factor to the down fall of the marriage, but not the A.

He had a choice and he made the decision to go outside of the marriage. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
I was making it difficult and uncomfortable at home, but he should have just left us.

Now I have to deal with the fact that another woman is possibly carrying my H child. He is experiencing everything with someone else. Well sort of anyway. H has NC right now at least that's what he says, but before he was suppose to be going to the doctor to find out what the baby was with her. What a sack of S****. ( Sorry but I am so angry) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I try not to shut him out but I feel as though I have no recourse. I have no patience and no real belief in him. I look at my kids and just want to die! I ache for them too. I just don't see it right now at all!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

When we are intimate with each other all I can see is the picture running through my mind that hey h was with someone else just like this. I immediately get angry! I have noticed that it is not as affectionate as it use to be! I am just wondering if it will ever be better because I definately don't want it to be the same.

I don't know about anything right now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

JT2 wrote:When we are intimate with each other all I can see is the picture running through my mind that hey h was with someone else just like this. I immediately get angry! I have noticed that it is not as affectionate as it use to be! I am just wondering if it will ever be better because I definately don't want it to be the same.
************
That same exact thing used to happen to me and it ws sooooooo torturous! Trying to be intimate and all i can think of, did you touch her like this, say that to her blah blah blah blah. It was sooooooo hard!!!!!! Talk about a turn off!

Out of bed I would tell my H how hard it was for me (calmly) and that I wanted to be w/ him and be intimate too but how I was struggling. So then when we were intimate I would tell him "I'm getting distracted" & for me, it helped when I could hear his voice instead of the one running through my brain. So I told him i needed him to talk to me, tell me how much he loved me, what he loved about me ect..........whatever, just something to help block out that non-stop tape in my head. It did work and LOTS of prayer.

And I have to say that i am really proud of you for even being intimate w/ your H. I know how hard it is and we want to punish them still in some way and it feels like that is all we have. BUT it is very important aspect of marraige and I believe, healing. Let him hold you and love you and you him. You both need each other.

When mothers are having post partum depression and having trouble accepting and bonding w/ their babies one of the main advise they give is to hold the baby more and spend MORE time w/ baby and it seems to really help. I think the same principle applies. Remind yourself to be MORE affectionate everyday, even little things. Holding hands, sitting next to each other while watching tv, you get the idea.

The human body needs so many (I can't remember the exact #) physical touches throughout the day to just survive and more to feel good. So it will affect your physical as well as mental & emotional health too.

You are doing the right thing by staying and working on your marriage. When your children are old enough, they will thank you. An intact home is the best for them. OC is not going to have that so at least your BC come out as "winners" in all of this instead of everyone having to "lose"!You can do this.

Also remember to allow yourself to enjoy your H. It's ok to laugh and joke, he knows your angry and hurt so you don't have to remind him all the time. Jsut because you are having fun does not mean you are letting him get away w/ it or letting him off the hook.

You will survive this and be ok and your marriage will be BETTER. Don't lose hope or faith.

KT,

You have helped me so that I can not even explain it. You all have been wonderful. I can't almost go a day without talking to some of you. I hope that I am not bugging anyone or even boring you with my rantings. i just need to hear it a few times a day that everything can get better. I am not sure about the future so I need some sort of reassurance and since I can not talk to my husband about it with out anger i appreciated all of you.

I know I might be leaning on you girls to much right now but it is because I do no t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am so tired of having to deal with this everyday. My kids need there father and a sane mother vut at this time that may not be what they are getting 51% of the time.

i know that they miss there father being in the home overnight. They see him everynight but they also watch him leave too. They know that he is not at home when they wake up every morning. It is hard to look at them and know that they know something is wrong when they are only 1 & 2 years old.

I don't want them to suffer but they are on some level already.

Well I gotta go see you girls later! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

JT2 that's why we're here so you just keep on leaning honey! We'll hold you up!

Thoses "videos" you're having will go away too. It takes time and patience on your H's part. Outside of the bedroom you can tell him you need help and come up with something to help you. Kt's suggestion was good, the need to hear all those sweet things whispered in your ear.

For me it was eye contact, to look into his eyes and see into his soul. To see pleasure, to feel pleasure. I still had all of the usual thoughts at times (He did this with her and how do I compare?) but they got better with time and the more you do the lovemaking the more it'll erase the memories. Then it will be "Hey honey, how bout a quickie?" You know? The fun things will evolve in time.

There came a time when I flat out asked if he thought of her while with me and he said a resounding "NO!" He said it always was and will be a deeper emotional thing with me because I am his wife and the fact that I am still here after the worst thing he could have done to us amazes him!

I can't wait for your babies to wake up with Daddy around again. You will have a long tough road ahead of you but we will be here when you call, at least someone will!

One more thing....my H still had minimal contact w/ow during pregnancy. I asked him to stop but knew in my heart he was still contacting her at least once a month about pending baby. This far down the road, I understand he was so scared and confused, it wasn't because he wanted her OR the oc...he was plain scared and I was to deep in depression to realize that. Still didn't make it right. Just fair warning that they also get lost at times and you can recover once honesty sets in and POJA is in place.(or for me it was planB!)

Best of wishes and continued prayers.

love
Debi

JT,

Please know you could never bore anyone here, I highly doubt that, everyone here has either been where you are right now;

The beginning - You know a storm is brewing & you know you are not going to escape getting wet & maybe tossed around a bit by the winds.

Going thru the storm - You are in the middle of it, desparately trying to get out and/or find something to hang on to, all the while looking for dry ground & shelter

The end - You have come out the other side, whole & intact, different but better, wiser and stronger to see a one of God's glorious rainbows.

In everything give thanks...