I am seeking some feedback.
I am the primary caretaker of my son and his dad visits every other day, ordered by the court until our custody merit hearing in June. For the month of May he has unsupervised visits for two hours during the weedays and five hours on the Saturdays. He brought my son an hour late on his last visit. He called 1/2hr before he was due back and said he was in a little traffic. I called my lawyer to have him submit a complaint to his attorney about him abusing his vistation rights. Does anyone know how I can handle this if it occurs again. I hope it doesn't but knowing my ex to be, he does whatever he wants, and considering I came out of a abusive relationship with him.

i am a little confused. obviously the courts didn't see a problem with your soon to be ex having 50% visitation at this time.

please refresh me on some things. how long were you married?

was he abusive ti the children?

how old are the kids?

has he been an active father all along?

from what you said i don't see why you are so upset. he called to let you know he was running late. so it's not like you were standing at the door waiting for him at 6:01 for an hour. depending on where you live an extra hour in traffic is nothing especially if you add in a quick stop for a burger.

the fact that it happened one time with a phone call hardly seems like a reason to get the attorneys involved unless money for their expenses is just burning a hole in your pocket.

the abuse that your stbex showed towards you may not be the same way he acts towards the kids.
I AM NOT TRYING TO DOWNPLAY ABUSE IN ANY WAY< SHAPE OR FORM.

i hope this doesn't become one of those divorces where each ex uses the kids a a pinch of salt to burn the wounds of the other.

JMHO

if this became a pattern and indeed ex was abusing his rights.......the custody agreement should be very clear as to when the child should be returned and to whom, clear enough that a police officer could read it.

Then you would call the police and have them there waiting so that you could file a complaint, and then you could further file, in court, for a contempt charge. A judge would most likely let him off w/ a warning that if he did it again he could face fines or imprisonment.

The example that you gave does not sound like that though. It sounds very reasonable that he was, just as he said, stuck in traffic.

Obviously, he would not be able to use that excuse everytime and so the judge would look @ each situation, such as if he was on time each & every time and this one time sounded legitimate.

If you have other concerns, about his treatment of your child or a flight risk, that is something different & should be addressed in your custody agreement and to the judge. You might have to give proof of your concerns for the judge to put appropriate restrictions.

To POP,
I am responding to your questions.

"please refresh me on some things. how long were you married?"
We got married Dec. 2002. Due to the mental and emotional abuse my sxtb put me through I left the home in Oct. 2003. I was 8mos. pregnant. During our marriage my sxtb kept telling me we should seek a divorce due to the fact we were not compatible. I found him emailing other females and he stated in Oct. 2003 we were no longer together. He said that counseling would not help our situation and that he wanted out.

was he abusive ti the children?
I have witnessed him yelling at his kids. Whenever they were out of line he made them do push ups.
how old are the kids?
He has three other kids from two different women. I am the third women with the fourth child. The oldest is 8, the second is 6, the third is 4 and my son is almost 6mos. old.
has he been an active father all along?

Adding to my previous post, I am currently staying with family. The home doesn't belong to me nor am I renting it. During his visitation, in the month of April, he always came before his time and stayed extra time without asking. Along with that he has called the house numerous times in a day. He has brought a video camera into the home and used it without asking permission. He has send me online messages threatening me and falsely accusing me of things I have not done.

The reason I got upset was because I feel he comes when he wants to and stays how long he wants without asking. I feel he is making his own schedules and not abiding by the court order. If I honor the court order why can't he. He purposely does thing to upset me. By arriving at 6:20pm instead of 6pm when he was suppose to show up, I feel he took extra time to make up for being late. His scheduled time is from 6 to 8pm, he returned the baby at 8:57pm and did not even apologize. He called around 7:30pm to say he was going to be a "little late due to Little traffic". Considering he has only two hours, I do not think it would take him 1 1/2 hrs to bring the baby back. I started calling him after 8pm and he had his cell phone turned off. I think he does things to purposely annoyed me and upset me. I feel he should find a nearby location so he does not have to worry about getting stuck in traffic and bringing the baby back late, which will work against him in court.

I do have to add I am currently in counseling for abuse caused by him.

I remember you now. He may be doing these things to annoy you and you can't stop someone from being annoying.

Why do you make a big deal about his "annoying" behavior, and gloss over the more serious things, like the threatening email?

Just take the emails to the police and file a restraining order. Have your custody agreement changed to state that he cannot take the baby out of the city during visitation, this can help prevent him from being late. You can also put into your agreement that if the child is not picked up within 10 minutes of the due time then visitation is forfeited. Make sure it is clear so that police can enforce it. Document everything, write down when he arrives and returns the baby, save all emails so that you can use it as evidence in court, if you need too.

What is your attorney doing for you? They should be handling this for you and advising you accordingly. If they are not get a new one.

Otherwise, realistically there is nothing YOU can do to make him stop anything. You can use the law to your advantage, so use what is available.

If he is an abusive person, why are you even allowing him to see this child? Are you officially divorced yet? Did he abuse his other children's mothers?

pam,,,,,,,,, i also remember your sory now. i never said anything before as i think it would have looked like i was trying to gloss over the abuse topic, which is not the case.

on the yelling at his kids i think that most every parent has had times when they have raised their voices to their children if for no other reason then to get their attention or their point across.

what matters are the words used and the tone. if the words are belittle and insulting that constitutes abuse. but simply yelling "go to your room" or "drop and give me 20" doesn't constitute abuse for me. AND BEFORE everyone flames me on the push up deal think about this. it is not corporal punishment and at least it will keep them fit.

yes he should be on time. BUT to try and account for every minute will be impossible. as kt said go to the court and get it in writing. document everything that transpires and be prepared when your court date arrives. for now don't give him the pleasure of knowing he is pushing yopur buttons. give him enough rope to hang himself.

personally as much as i love all my kids to try and hold me to a 2 hour every other day schedule would drive me nuts. i volunteer a tremendous amout of time towards youth sports groups in our city and i can stop and talk to people at the drop of a hat about many different things. to have to be that punctual in my everyday life during my supposedly relaxing times with my kids would be unrealistic.

heck i can't even get to church on time. i just hope St. Peter is forgiving when i'm late for his Pearly Gate appointment. i also hope i don't get lost and end up going the opposite way. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

since your marriage was so brief (10 months) i think you should count your blessings that if he was abusive to you, you had the wisdom and insight to get out before things really turned ugly.

another question about his abuse. did he change after you became married or was he abusive prior to the wedding and you didn't see it because of the glow of a new relationship in your eyes?

seems to me that you should have had a chance to see how he was with his kids before you were married? just asking not judging

Thanks for responding to my post.
My attorney stated that he will be submitting a letter of complaint to his attorney.

As far as the email, he sent me one message threatening me. I don't think one message will be much to prove anything. He is abusive towards me than he is towards his kids. He takes care of his kids in terms of time spent with them and taking them out, but I have a big problem with his form discipline, that is why I stated he makes them do push-ups when they are out of line. I don't know if he still does this.

We have a settlement conference coming up this month and this will give me the chance to modify the visitation schedule and present what has been going on since he was given his visitation rights.

I only know from what he told me about his past relationships, and he stated that one of his kids mom was abusive to him. I never heard their side of the story. After I married him was when I discovered his abusive traits. His abuse is not physical, but mental and emotional and that is why I left him. We have a divorce hearing scheduled so I will be able to present my case against him. The divorce should be final in Oct. 2004.

Responding to POPS, he became abusive more so after we got married. I lived out of state prior to our marriage. We had a long distant relationship. When I relocated to the same state as stbx, we got married three months later and then I started seeing how he really was with his kids. I am convinced he is a controlling person and he tries to control everything and everyone around him, which included myself and his kids. I am glad I left the relationship because it has gotten worst to date. During my pregnancy he was cruel to me and me after I had our son he much more cruel. Instead of realizing I left due to abuse, he claims I left due to someone else. I thinks I cheated on him and had us take a paternity test. He nevers wants to take responsibility for his actions. As always in his eyes it was all my fault will continue to be all my fault. I know you are right when it comes to letting him hang himself. I try my hardest not to say anything to him. When he comes to see his son, I exchange words as far as the care of our son. I am learning through the abuse counseling I am receiving that I can control how I respond to him and not what he is doing to me. Its going to be a long road knowing I have to deal with this person. I have to say I am trusting in Jesus Christ to guide me and comfort me in this mess.

From the examples that you have shown, I don't see any abuse towards his kids. I find his form of disipline different maybe but see nothing wrong w/ it. It sounds reasonable and like he is self-controlled.(not getting physical w/ them out of anger)

I don't know about the emotional abuse part as you have not given any real examples of that. Only you would know.

It sounds like his behavior is just annoying more than anything else.

A threat is a threat, if it is a threat that makes you concerned than you can show the judge and let them decide what to do about it.

I am not trying to downplay any type of abuse but I also don't want to see things get blown out of proportion either.

You will just have to let your lawyer handle it.

It sounds like you both made a bad choice and decision to be married so quick and have a baby. Since you do have a baby together you will have to learn how to communicate in a healthy manner. No one can control you and whatever abuse you experienced w/ him before is no longer an issue since you will no longer be married so you will not spend any time w/ him.

Both of you can have minimal C w/ each other, only to exchange baby & that is it, so no opportunity for abuse.

You can also make it part of your custody agreement that nothing negative or deragatory is to be said to or about the other parent, in front of, around or to the child @ any time. This will prevent or eliminate anything negative from being said too.

The reasons I can give that will constitute emotional abuse was always hearing that he wanted a divorce, the problems we were having was all because of me, he claimed I drove him to get attention from other women. I would express my hurt and he would act cold towards me. One minute he tells me he loved me yet the next minute I had problems and we weren't compatible. He had me on an emotional roller coaster. I got sick of it because during my pregnancy I was always stressed out and was not eating properly. I knew I had to get out of that environment for the sake of my unborn child. When I did move out, I was peaceful and started eating and loving it. When I was in the hospital, the day I had our son, he went into my email account and locked me out of it. He accused me of cheating on him, the second day I was in the hospital and called me stupid in front of his three kids. Since I left the hospital, he tried to get back with me, yet locked me out of my email account a second time. I knew he did it because when I called up yahoo and they gave me access to my account I saw his address on file. Of course he denied it. If he was stable minded, sincere, and truly apologize for his behavior towards, maybe we would of worked things out. I feel like he has two different personalities. He can be nice yet cold and cruel. I am glad that I am in counseling. I am also glad that I have a lawyer who will help me and deal with this legally. He had visitation tonight and of course he was late and brought the baby back 14 minutes late. But I didn't say anything, I wrote it down so that I can present it when I go to court. My lawyer has already submitted a letter of complaint about his lateness and keeping the baby longer that he should.