HELLO.
I AM IN DESPERATE NEED OF ADVISE. MY SITUATION IS AS FOLLOWS: I RECENTLY WAS TOLD BY MY H THAT HE WAS CHEATING AND THAT THE OW SAYS SHE IS PREGNANT(4-7-04). HE STATES THAT IT WAS JUST A SEX THING AND THAT HE WAS TRYING TO BREAK IT OFF WITH HER. I REALLY DO NOT KNOW IF THE OW IS PREGENAT OR NOT. I REALLY DO WANT MY MARRIAGE TO WORK, BUT AT THE SAME TIME, I DO NOT WANT TO BE A FOOL. I HAVE TALKED TO LAWYERS TO SEE WHERE ME AND MY CHILDREN STAND(WE HAVE 2 KIDS 1&5). HE SAYS IF IT IS HIS, HE WILL SUPPORT THE CHILD. EVEN THE THOUGHT OF THAT MAKES ME ANGRY. HE TOLD HER TO HAVE AN ABORTION, BUT SHE SAID IT WAS CREUL AND THAT SHE ALWAYS WANTED A CHILD. SHE ALSO TOLD ME THAT SHE KNEW HE WAS MARRIED. TO ME, THAT TOLD ME THAT SHE DID NOT CARE ABOUT MY KIDS AND THE HELL SHE IS PUTTING MY FAMILY THROUGH. I TOLD HER THAT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A DIFFERENY STORY IF SHE WOULD HAVE TOLD ME THAT SHE DID NOT KNOW HE WAS MARRIED. BUT TO SIT THERE AND SAY SHE KNEW, TELLS ME SHE DIDN'T CARE AT ALL AND MAY BE HER PREGENANCY IS INTENTIONAL. I AM SO ANGRY AT BOTH OF THEM. HE MAKES GOOD MONEY AND SHE DOSEN'T. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THE LAW IS, BUT I FEEL SHE SHOULD NOT BE ENTITLED TO NEARLY AS MUCH AS MY KIDS. IF SHE HAS TO GET OFF HER BUTT AND WORK TWO JOBS, THEN SO BE IT. THAT'S THE PRICE YOU PAY WHEN YOU START A FAMILY WITH A MARRIED MAN. I WISH IT WAS A LAW OR SOME WAY TO LEAGALLY GET THESE WOMEN WHO SEEK MARRIED MEN.
SHE LEAVES MESSAGES ON THE HIS CELL PHONE THAT SHE NEEDS TO TALK TO HIM. SHE WANTS MONEY FROM HIM TO HELP HER BY THE BABY SUPPLIES. IS SHE CRAZY!! HE ASKED HER HOW FAR ALONG SHE IS AND SHE SAID 2 0R 3 WEEKS.

I DO NOT KNOW WHETHER TO HATE MY H IF HE WANTS TO HAVE CONTACT WITH THE CHILD. I THINK SHE WILL USE THE CHILD AS A WAY TO HIM. SHE HAS STATED THAT SHE WANTED TO KNIW WHAT HE WAS GOING TO DO FOR HER AND THE BABY, IF HE WAS GOING TO BE THERE FOR THE BABY? SHE LIVES IN A DIFFERENT STATE, BUT HE DRIVES TRUCKS AND HAS A DEDICATED ROUTE TO HER STATE. HE SAYS HE DOESN'T WANT HER BUT MAYBE A RELATIONSHIP WITH THE BABY. DO I TRUST THIS? CAN A MARRIAGE WORK AFTER THIS? I DO NOT WANT TO BE A FOOL? WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS ANGER?

(THE LAST TIME HE SAID HE MESSED AROUND WITH HER WAS 3-23-04, ON 4-7-04 SHE CALLS HIM AND SAIDS SHE IS PREGNANT, SHE FOUND OUT BY GOING TO THE ER BECAUSE OF ABDOMINAL PAIN, BUT THEY COULD NOT TELL HER HOW FAR ALONG SHE WAS, 4-16-04 SHE SAYS SHE THINKS SHE IS 2 OR 3 WEEKS PREGNANT BUT HAS AN APPT. ON 4-21-04, BUT MISSED IT BECAUSE SHE COULD NOT FIND THE OB OFFICE. I HAVE NOT HEARD FROM HER SINCE. WHAT DO YOU THINK?)

Sorry to welcome you here but we are all here for one another.

I can't offer much help has my own situation has me consummed.

But I wouldn't believe she is even pregnant yet and it is all sounding kind of fishy to me.

KTbunch, LynnG, Autumnday and some of the others would be much better at giving advice then me right now--I'm a newbie here with my own problems always asking for advice.

However, I wanted to welcome you and tell you that you can lean on us and vent--cry whatever and in a few days I hope to be in better shape to give you at least decent support and advice.

My heart goes out to you and I understand the feeling that she may have done it on purpose in my situation I think OW did but not all other women do--a lot I think do especially if they are single women. Married women I think probably not.

You are in my thoughts.

ok breathe! One step @ a time.

The standard advise we give BW is: get a lawyer and file for a legal separation. Get CS set up for your own kids and do not give OW or OC another thought. They are NOT your concern.

Most states will award the most CS to whoever files first and whoever files next will only get a portion of H income that is left over. This is why it is very important for you to file this NOW.

IF your marriage stays together then great---you have secured more income stays in the home budget, if not, then you are taken care of first.

And do NOT give OW ANY $$$$$$$ until OC is born & a DNA test is done & proves H is the father. There have been a few here already that were proven that the H was NOT the father even though OW swore he was!

Now, about your marriage, it can be repaired from this but it will not be easy-------at first. With time it can heal and be better than ever. READ EVERYTHING on this sight and get familiar w/ it. Also get your butts in some GOOD marriage counseling w/a counselor who is PRO-marriage. I have heard that the Harleys are great counselors and worth the $$$$$$. Get familiar w/ the POJA, Radical Honesty, Emotional needs questionnaires ect.

Do not make any rash decisions right now.

You can expect a very emotional roller coaster ride for now. Rational one day, falling apart the next, unable to think clear. This is all normal. The range of emotions you will go through have been compared to the same ones as the death of a loved one, it is a grieving process.

Make sure you take care of yourself. Eat, get out for fresh air as much as possible, at least a walk around the block. It will help you keep the physical strength you need to support yourself emotionally & mentally. Try to get some rest.

Find yourself a good support network that will support your marriage, family or friends. Don't isolate yourself, let them comfort you.

We're here if you need us, we've been there.

Sorry you need to be here but glad you have found this forum so you know you are NOT alone.

Riggis...I am going through just about the same thing as you are, and know EXACTLY how you're feeling!!! ktbunch has given me lots of good advice, the same as she has given you.

The OW in your situation doesn't sound as manipulative as the one in my situation, but as ktbunch said....DO NOT give her any money!!! Ours tried to extort $5000 from us, which she claimed was half of the abortion costs. When that didn't work, she attempted to get both of us fired from our jobs, etc. Then she claimed that she didn't have the abortion and was pregnant!!

I know that this may sound extreme, but we hired a private investigator to shed some light on what our OW was doing. It turns out that she has done this before, using a pregnancy scare tactic in order to receive money. Perhaps you might want to go this route and try to determine if your OW is actually pregnant or not? From what people have told me, this type of deception is quite common!!

As far as the hurt, anger, confusion etc goes, I wish I could help you with that, but I'm going through the same thing myself. I'll guess I'll just have to settle for giving you a cyber hug and pray that all of us who are in this situation make it through with our sanity intact.

I just wanted to say thank you guys for your response and would greatly appreciate feedback from others. This truly is a trying time for all of us. It is sad that we all had to experience this type of hurt to unite, but then again it is comforting to know that you are not alone. It has been a month today since I received the horrible news. It still cuts like a knife. I can not understand how I want to savage a relationship with someone that I love, but also hate him because he reminds me of the pain. Does that make since to anyone?

Update on the OW: Last I heard, she moved back in with her mother so she can afford the "baby". When my H delivers to her store, he says that he hears people telling each other, "Did you that OW was pregnant?"

It kills me not knowing if she is pregnant of if it is his. My fear is, what if my H and I try to work it out, and 9 months from now, here she comes nagging again?

riggis01 wrote:My fear is, what if my H and I try to work it out, and 9 months from now, here she comes nagging again?
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So what? She probably will, even if just for CS. That is why it is important for you to set it up FIRST.

And even if she does, if all C has stopped w/ her and you and H are working together for your marriage--------then you will have had 9 months to rebuild your foundation and be on stronger ground w/ your relationship.

Don't worry about what if's. I know how hard that is. But you have more important things to be concerned about for now and NONE of your concerns should be about OW.

Take care of and focus on you, your kids & your marriage!

You are @ the VERY beginning of this and your thoughts are probably running a mile a minute!

Take a deep breathe and FOCUS on the task @ hand; CS for your kids and rebuilding your marriage.