So, does anyone's WS get the OW a mother's day card/gift from the OC? If so, how do you as the BS deal with that? If not, did your WS agree without an argument or did they want to do this?

Really need your input.

The om and his wife always take daughter to pick up a gift for me, Om insist it is the right thing to teach her since I am her mother.
I also take daughter to buy his spouse a gift for bday or what ever may be up. We consider it teaching our child to love and give of herself, No one seems bothered by it.

Why do you get a gift for OM's wife? Is that not his responsibility when it comes to teaching the D?

Are you sure BS does not mind? Maybe since she is there getting the gift for you she feels part of it.

Are you married? Maybe I would not mind so much if OW was married but she is not and I don't like the whole idea. My H has given her enough. She wanted this child and to be a single mother then she takes the lumps that come along with it.

If you get a sperm at a sperm bank and decide to become a single parent, who teaches the child about giving? Not the donor. There are other ways to teach the child about giving of herself.

I don't like the implications that this places on my marriage.

Good question. I (BW) am the one who encourages OC to give/make things for OW on gift giving occasions. If we have OC, (like this past weekend was ours but OW got her early, on Sat. afternoon to have her for Mother's Day) then I encourage her to make something for OW.

FWH took the kids shopping on Sat. for me and included OC in the choices for what to give me. Then on Sat. I encouraged OC to make a card for OW and a little gift. OC did not think of it herself, I did.

I did the same for Christmas. We had OC for Christmas this year and I encouraged her to make up a gift for OW and OC's other sister from OW. Nothing big or fancy (like H would give me) but a thoughtful little thing.

OW has never done anything like this for FWH for Father's Day (or any other gift giving occasion)and I don't expect her too but I try to be the better one. OW probably thinks OC thinks of it all by herself but she doesn't, I do. And for Father's Day, OW would probably have OC honor her grandfather not her real dad (my H).

That kind of disrespect bothers me a bit but I overlook it. H doesn't care because his focus is on relationship w/ OC not OW so when OC gets older and realizes it, I think she (OC) will appreciate it.

PS: no H would NOT put in any effort to give OW anything for Mother's Day or any other gift giving occasion. He can't stand her and only thinks of me as the Mother that deserves honor on that day(or any other day). (these are his personal feelings and are not shared w/ OC BTW) But I am the one to encourage OC and I don't put much effort into it but encourage OC. I do it soley for OC.

<small>[ May 10, 2004, 11:53 AM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>

OK Ktbunch. I like your approach. I have this question to ask. If you H so strongly wanted to get a gift for OW, how would you feel?

I guess a little background is in order so that you may better understand why I am so upset.
My H wants to be there when OC is born. He want's to be in the delivery room. He has already ran to her aid when she had pre-term labor contractions and spent hours at the hospital. I also found a receipt for three mother's day cards (I got two). H says he does not know why the other one was on there, must have been a mistake. I think that is a big FAT lie.

I don't think any of this crap is in the best interest of our marriage and I am seriously thinking about saying adios to this marriage. He can't have two families. If he is so worried about her then I think they should be together. \

I guess I might be bothered if H wanted to do this. I don't really have to worry since he hates OW!

There have been times when I have thought he was defending OW or taking her side and i have become extremely upset. Times when he would argue w/ me but never want to argue w/ OW and not stick up for me to OW or stick up for our family to OW.

Things are different now. He does not try to argue w/ her ever because he feels it's pointless and he would rather just avoid her altogether. And it's different for us becaase we have only had to deal w/ OW for the last 2 years, not from the beginning. Sometimes I think he should still confront her on things but he says no--it's pointless so ---we just go on and try to ignore OW stupididty.

I don't blame you for being upset but your H might have just bought the card out of obligation and not necessarily out of emotion. Maybe just out of the obligation of OW giving birth to one of his "kids".

What does he say about how you feel? You guys definately need to discuss this and come to a POJA regarding C w/ OC and such!

I would be LIVID if my H wanted to be there for the birth! The child does not need him @ that moment, the birthing mother needs support and she does not deserve nor need it from MM!

LMF,

Last year I dont' know why my H did for OW, just know he did nothing for me, we had a big fight that day & I asked him to leave.

Yesterday I came home from church & H didn't even say Happy Mothers Day to me, I mentioned it & he said I didn't give him a chance, then told me he had a card for me, but didn't give it to me. Later that nite he came up to bed after midnite, told me he left the card in the car, I told him why bother the day is over, I asked if he gave OW a card & he said yeah, claims that is all he gave her, it was TOO much in my book, I told him I will not put up w/ this for the rest of my life, he acted like he didn't get it.

If I saw my H's D on a regular basis I would be like KT & encourage her to make a card for her mom when she is older, but since I may not have that chance ever, I guess my H feels it is his responsiblity, I of course don't.

My prayers go out to you, your H sounds a lot like mine, he was in delivery rm. w/ OW during the birth, & sees his D at OW's apt. against my wishes. I hope your H comes out of the fog soon.

Why do you get a gift for OM's wife? Is that not his responsibility when it comes to teaching the D?

I take her and let her pick out smething, just because it is her b day or whatever, They have many of the gifts displayed through out the house, they are from my daughter not me. she does the same for me

Are you sure BS does not mind? Maybe since she is there getting the gift for you she feels part of it.

She loves my daughter, so no she does not mind. Are you married?
yes very much so and have been for many years. Maybe I would not mind so much if OW was married but she is not and I don't like the whole idea. My H has given her enough. She wanted this child and to be a single mother then she takes the lumps that come along with it.

My husband and I pay for most of our childs care and never whent to court for support, nor do we plan on it, We try and share a lot of responsibility and as time goes om becomes more responsible, but his cost Are no where near what we have. If you get a sperm at a sperm bank and decide to become a single parent, who teaches the child about giving? Not the donor. There are other ways to teach the child about giving of herself.

If you have a child from a sperm bank then the parents who have that child and raise her will teach that child all these things, which is why the four of us choose to teach our child together. I don't like the implications that this places on my marriage.

It puts no strain on my marriage, because we are all pretty much past all that drama, it is just about our daughter nothing else, She loves both families and has to know that thats ok, That both her families are welcome any time. It isnt so difficult once it become routine. In fact we have learned to work with each other in most cases. We dont fight any more, we dont feel stressed about it, I cant help but feel this has to better than all the drama. And It is great for Daughter.
We are quite a few years past dday and have worked very hard to overcome this.

Why do you get a gift for OM's wife? Is that not his responsibility when it comes to teaching the D?

I take her and let her pick out smething, just because it is her b day or whatever, They have many of the gifts displayed through out the house, they are from my daughter not me. she does the same for me

Are you sure BS does not mind? Maybe since she is there getting the gift for you she feels part of it.

She loves my daughter, so no she does not mind. Are you married?
yes very much so and have been for many years. Maybe I would not mind so much if OW was married but she is not and I don't like the whole idea. My H has given her enough. She wanted this child and to be a single mother then she takes the lumps that come along with it.

My husband and I pay for most of our childs care and never whent to court for support, nor do we plan on it, We try and share a lot of responsibility and as time goes om becomes more responsible, but his cost Are no where near what we have. If you get a sperm at a sperm bank and decide to become a single parent, who teaches the child about giving? Not the donor. There are other ways to teach the child about giving of herself.

If you have a child from a sperm bank then the parents who have that child and raise her will teach that child all these things, which is why the four of us choose to teach our child together. I don't like the implications that this places on my marriage.

It puts no strain on my marriage, because we are all pretty much past all that drama, it is just about our daughter nothing else, She loves both families and has to know that thats ok, That both her families are welcome any time. It isnt so difficult once it become routine. In fact we have learned to work with each other in most cases. We dont fight any more, we dont feel stressed about it, I cant help but feel this has to better than all the drama. And It is great for Daughter.
We are quite a few years past dday and have worked very hard to overcome this.

Mom of Five, thank you. My d-day of the A was almost 3 years ago and we never fully recovered from that. We were on our way and then my H moved out again and OW became pregnant right after that. H came back before he knew of the baby and since he told me about it, we have been trying to recover our marriage. However, it has been very, very difficult. Mostly because the hurt is still there and I feel like he places more consideration on her feelings and well-being than mine.

It's a lot for any BS to come to grips with when the WS has a child to another person. My H thinks that because I have agreed to continue to work on our marriage that I should agree to anything he wants, even if it hurts me. He wants to be in the delivery room when the child is born. Was your OM there? I don't want this and I feel that it is very bad for our marriage. I am fearful of the emotions, and feeling that would arise in him during that emotional time. I am scared that he will bond with OW and then decide to leave me yet again.

I have no issue with OC being part of our family. I would accept this child and be a good step-mother to it. However, everything that my H says he wants does not involve me. He wants to visit the baby at OW's apt and not have me there. I ask am I or am I not part of this? I feel like I am only here when he needs me. I feel like he wants two families and the two shall never mesh. I suggested visitation at our home, with OW in the beginning and he said no. I suggested visitation at OW's place with all four of us (me, him and our two kids) and he said no that she will never allow me in her place or agree to being under the same roof with me.

He says I need to get past this but I think OW needs to do the same as well and he needs to stand up for us. It's his child too and if he wants to see that baby at our home then he needs to voice that and insist on it, that is his right. Just like it was her right to have this child. However, all I see is that she continues to get what she wants and there are NO consideration for my feelings.

I am feeling like I am a piece of **** in this marriage that can be walked over any time he wants. I feel like I do not matter and neither do our children. So, I ask you, based on what I have told you, why in the hell am I here? Why does he want to be married to me?

NO om was not in the delivery room, My husband and my sister were there, I had lots of support. OM was not invited to be in the room, but he did know I was there. My husband was very supportive during birth and proudly showed her off to every one. He loves kids and handled it very well.

I dont see a reason for him to be there, she can get her support elsewhere.

I would guess you are there because you still love him, However you dont have to be treated that way. There is no reason for you not to be included and as long as ther eno danger of any one being hostile I see no reason you cant all be in the same room.

I understand your frustration about husband not considering your feelings, I have been a betrayed wife many more times that I have been a ws. My husbands idea was I should just deal with it and get over it. Thats hard for someone to do and for some reason hard for a spouse who is up to no good to understand.

The ow needs to get past it as well for the sake of her child if she wants a child to grow up healthy. She has to put her personal feelings aside. At first it was hard being in each others home, but in time it has become routine and just not terribly important any more. Pretty normal for all , my children and our daughter we have together.

H doesn't get his Xow anything. Doesn't even acknowledge her.

Xmm on the other hand always gives me something from the kids on the special days. THis year when the kids were visiting with him, he helped them grow some plants from seeds. And he took them to buy some candles. From what I was told his W directed him to the nearest candle store. I guess she didn't mind cause it was something small. He also gave a framed picture of the kids goofing off at his place.

It makes my H mad when Xmm gives things. I honestly don't know how to handle it when its little things like the picture and plants.

I do help the kids make things for fathers day or Xmm birthday. I don't go out of my way for Xmm as I would H. On the other hand, I don't get crap from H for any special days

mof5: I just want to say, how impressed I am w/you. I am not familiar w/ your story (or how things were in the beginning)but your respect towards OMW is appreciated.

As a BW, I feel that I am the "innocent" party, deserving of apologies since I have done nothing "wrong". So I feel OW should treat me w/ more respect, but that has not happened. (she's (usually)more repsectful to H and rude/disrespectful to me)

But anyway, I wanted to say that your respect towards OMW is probably what has made this situation so "workable" for your daughter. I can really appreciate that. I am sure that your attitude towards OMW has gone a long way towards OMW being able to accept and care for your daughter.

Thank you, mof5!

Thanks kt ,
But this was not always easy, But you have to remember om's wife and my self have long since exchanged thoughts and I have given apologies maybe three years ago. It wasnt easy at first for her, and there were many squabbles, difference is, no matter what happened or how ugly it got, I tried always to be respectful and loving for my daughters sake, after all This was not her mess. I owed it to her to make it ok for her.
It has taken us a while to get where we are and we are still not where we should be, but very close to it.

My husband was a serial cheater and spent many years having affairs and ons, It took alot out of me and I had a lot of anger and hate for the women and for him. In time that has changed, we talk , we are friends and have come together and moved past this all. I can't say he will never cheat again, but I dont sit around and worry or wonder any more, We are doing pretty good and I feel my daughter brought us closer together. I know if he did cheat again after 20 plus times, i am more confident about myself and would do just fine on my own, so I guess fear has been removed and now we just enjoy life instead of worrying all the time.
It took om alot longer to apologize to my husband, HE is a little more stubborn and still has moments of jelousy about our daughter, but he has learned to control it as well.


But I dont feel any woman should just stand around and take it, I did for many years and we can all say NEVER But I have learned never say never. I also learned that my feelings show through more than we know and every one picks up on that , This is why i work hard to show respect for every one involved, you do it long enough and every one else cant help but follow your lead.

Momoffive, I am floored and so impressed. I can only hope to see that type of calmness in my life. One where I no longer worry where my H is at. I wonder if it will ever come and my doubts increase when I think of them two together.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But you have to remember om's wife and my self have long since exchanged thoughts and I have given apologies maybe three years ago
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My OW would never apologize. She hates me. I think more than I hate her, which I can't figure out for the life of me why. I never did anything to her. I have shown poor judgement in the past and have gotten loud and out of control where she was concerned but I can be mature when not blind sided with something. I can be mature for the sake of the child and my children.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I also learned that my feelings show through more than we know and every one picks up on that , This is why i work hard to show respect for every one involved, you do it long enough and every one else cant help but follow your lead.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A very good rule to live by.
Thanks for your post.

Emotions run high at first. You cant expect words not to be said and feelings to not be hurt. it happens , and it takes lots of time to work through it all and I think the biggest problem most have is communication, we dont listen to our partners feelings, we hear one thing and assume many things. Has taken us 20 years to finally listen to one another, what a waste all those years of not listening.

my husband and I still have days we have to say, STOP we are not listening to each other lets start over.