I do, all the time...whenever I'm in a crowd of people. I find myself wondering, who are the BW's, who are the WW's, who are the BH's, who are the WH's? I wonder who the OP's are in the crowd. OC's? Which of the families I see, have been directly affected by infidelity? How many of them realize it? Who is in the midst of it now, hasn't confessed, hasn't been found out? So on...

It seems like I do this mostly at high school functions, as the parents are the "prime" age for MLC and A's. Yet, I do it in church, the mall, really anywhere there are a lot of people. Cripe, I even wonder which of the 16 ladies in my Bunko group have been touched by adultery in one form or another. The numbers tell us, more than likely, I'm not the only one in the group, who has either been a WW, BW, or even an OW at one point. For all I know, my best friend has been touched by it. Afterall, she doesn't know her best friend has committed adultery.

I never wondered such things in the past. My own infidelity opened my eyes in so many ways. I was amazed to find out how many lives it touches. After hearing the statistics, I know for sure when I'm in a crowd, there are a certain number of people that fall into each of our labeled categories.

It blows my mind to think of it--and not in a good way! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> It's not like I'm comforted to know there are other WW's in the crowd, so I'm not alone, or whatever...It's just that adultery is now on my radar screen, and I find myself thinking...probably too much.

Anybody else ever wonder these things, or anything similar?

Yes I have wondered & know first hand of an OC in my family & I now know of other women, one of my best freinds & one of my pastors who went through the OW & OC nightmare, both women are re-married happily btw. The OC in my family belongs to my Aunt who is still legally married to my Uncle but they have not lived together in years! My brother also has an OC w/ a married woman, she is now DV, & he has no contact w/ OC - by his choice.

One of my best friends is involved in a 3 year affair right now, her & her H recently separated & will most likely divorce, her OM is also M.

During my first M my H had an A & about a yr. afterward I had one also, my OM was single, not that it makes it right by no means.

So w/ all that knowledge I still wonder if my Dad has cheated on my Mom, by BIL on my Sister & I wonder about some of the couples in my church.

Since this happened to me I am truly amazed at the number of OC's running around, it is really sad. It sometimes makes me wonder can anyone be faithful? Especially to me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I also find myself wondering about the same things. How many people in this room have had an affair or want to have one? Is anybody faithful to anyone anymore? I think being hurt makes you prone to these type of insecurities. We all wonder from time to time just how many of us are actually outhere?

We tend to look at our mothers, sisters, friends, and so on differently. We begin to wonder if they made it through okay? How long did it take for them to get over it? These are questions I find myself looking around for answers to.

So sure I wonder just as much.

JT

I don't think about it as much anymore. At first I was plagued by such thoughts.

I would sit in church and think, "If this could happen to me(a "good Christian" girl) & if my ("good christian") H could do this, then how many other men, sitting in this church are living a lie? How many other men are worshipping right now and it's all fake? If my marriage was fake, if my H FAITH was fake, how many others are fake? Maybe GOD is fake?

I was terribly shaken by all of it @ first. But not any more. Thank God!!!!!!!

Now I find myself looking @ couples who appear to be so romantic & in love and feel a twinge of jealousy that it seems to come so easy for them and I & H have had to work so hard @ it. And I think (sometimes) what is it about her & him that he would never dream of cheating on her? Why wasn't I "worth" that?

But then, I stand tall & refocus on the NOW instead of the past! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Is'nt that funny. How many times before did you think about it? I find myself finding more than I think have been though it. My F has done it, both of my Brothers,even my sister have done it. I never did, cant say I was never tempted. We both knew it was wrong and if I wanted a D I needed to get one. I always said, how can they forgive them? Well now I'm walking in their shoes and I know how. (Noone has an OC)
And they don't know how I'm doing what I am doing. I remember when my M&d went though their time, my moms ring set on the fireplace for I know 6 months. Not much talking went on. I was about 13 -14 yrs old. But their age beleived in sticking together and so they did and are very happy still, 40 years! But never heard them talk about it. They hid it well from us 4 kids. But I do take walks in the mall, work, ect thinking the same thing.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny

Yes I do it too. I usually do if we are having a difficult day or I am just down. When I first found out about my H's A I was so ashamed and did not want to tell anyone. However, I could not hold it together for a second at work and felt I needed to tell my boss why I was acting the way I was. Then she told me her H had one. I found out the lady I supervise had one as did her H. Her H's resulted in an OC. From there I found out about so many other women who went through this. It was like I opened a flood gate. As I always say, you can't swing dead cat without hitting someone touched by infidelity.

I wonder about that too.

Looking at my family....my aunt was/still is in a 23 yr old affair with a married man. I questioned her as to why she did not divorce my uncle but then she said she didn't want to break his heart. Her OC is 13 and does NOT resemble the family. I wonder if my uncle is in denial?

At my church, a choir member gave birth to a biracial child...she and her husband are of the same race. They missed church for a few months, then later said they were getting to terms with getting the wrong spermdonor. (??!!)

When my H and i go out to eat, we try to guess how many of the couples are real and how many are on borrowed, stolen time.

Sad pathetic.

it makes me wonder about values today on marriage.
Do people who have affairs talk to each other about it and brag? I know it happens more often than not also due to being accepted by many people as norm...are we as a society lowering our values that we teach to our children...hmmm guess that was pretty geeky sounding lol.

anyway I wonder also about this I was in the Navy for 8 years and was pretty suprised by how many of the guys would go out and get diseases even after the CO warned that over 70% of females in a few of these places had aids..I counseled many junior servicemen on their wives behavoir and they had a nickname for the wives it was boomer H&es. But the guys seen it as ok what happens across the water is fair game...never understood that and was strong in my feelings of marriage only to find out I had my own nickname at home.

anyway lol nice read.

Need to post again to this.

Yesterday my thoughts took another turn, it's the same thing we have been talking about but in a different lite.

Yesterday I found myself looking at people who appear to have a normal life and I started to feel like a freak. Everyone seemed to be normal and happy and it made me feel like my life is an ugly Jerry Springer Special. I oh so want to be normal again and I never will. I guess I am having a pitty party for my-self. I hope this does not bring anyone down but I was wondering if anyone here felt like that or have you in the past. If so, does it go away and do you begin to accept you life as normal?

JT2, I often wonder if anyone is faithful anymore. It reminds me of the song "what's foever for" or something like that. We say forever and we don't do it. Why has marriage become just another disposable item in our lives.

hollenhud, I think that too, do they brag? Is there some kind of sense of accomplishment. Don't laugh at me, I watch the Bachelor. The most recent one had this girl who boasted about sleeping with a MM. The other girls were horrified and disgusted. She just said it was a mistake but that she does not regret it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
Also, call me stupid but I don't get the nick names the guys give their wives. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Yesterday I found myself looking at people who appear to have a normal life and I started to feel like a freak. Everyone seemedto be normal and happy and it made me feel like my life is an ugly Jerry Springer Special. I oh so want to be normal again and I never will. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LMF~

First of all, please, please, please, do not consider yourself a freak, because it simply isn't true!! You are going through a dark valley in your life right now, and it's something you shouldn't have to endure, but it doesn't make you a freak. It's actually molding you into a very strong person, whether you feel that way right now or not. When you're experiencing so much pain, it's difficult to see past the pain, much less envision a future full of happiness. You must know, your entire life will not be spent in this valley. You will be on top of the mountain again. You will know happiness again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Secondly, I emphasized appear and seemed because people and situations aren't always what they appear to be. You can't judge a book by it's cover, and all that...

Outside of our children, and possibly my folks, nobody would've ever guessed my H and I had severe, near D, marriage problems for a couple year stretch. I believe most if not all of our friends and relatives would be shocked to find out I had an A. We were the "ideal" couple. We were both very good about faking it whenever we were outside our home. It wasn't a problem for us to PDA in front of friends and family, after having a bitter fight on the way to the event. Never, ever, did we want people to know we were having M problems. We were both a little too private, as well as prideful. I sometimes wonder how different things may have been for us, if only we would've let people in.

I understand you are very sensitive right now, and so badly want things to be as you say, "normal", but the next time you see a "normal" couple/family, just remember, you don't know what goes on behind closed doors...

Also, comparing yourself to others right now, is likely just gonna bum you out. When you're so down, everyone seems happier than you.

Like I said, I find myself wondering, who in a crowd of people has or is being touched by infidelity? I sure the heck can't determine it from outside appearances.

autuamday, I know, I used the words appear and seemed on purpose. I realize that things are not always what they seem to be. We too were one of those couples that could put up a good front and that no one ever thought would have marital problems. My SIL was totally shocked, she said " no never, not you guys."

I know I am just down right now and I need to get out of this mind set for my health. Just like everyone else here, I never thought my life would pan out like this. It seems like it's filled with one taboo thing after another. When I get used to one, another one hits. I use the word taboo very light, just to to stress those things we say we would never do or hope would never have done to us. Did that make any sense at all? I guess I just want a Hallmark Card perfect marriage and I never will. LOL


I feel like I/we have cheated our kids out of a peaceful/ normal life. I feel like the rest of their life is going to be touched by difficulties. I also wonder what normal really is anymore. I feel so sorry for them and I hate the fact that I/we have put them in this situation. They should not have to grow up with this. And God, I hope neither one ever has to deal with this in their lives.

This is going to sounds horrible. My father died when I was 9 and my mother never remarried, so my life was different then most kids and it was a difficult thing to overcome, (I cried for months) but I survived and it all worked out in the long run. I almost wish that was the life my kids would have. I feel like it's a better pain to carry or something. I feel like at least it would be a natural thing and one out of everyone's control.

Sorry for the depressing rant.

I understand the agony you feel over your children, and what kind of affect infidelity can have on their lives. One thing is for certain, no matter how much you try to shield them, their lives will be touched by difficulties, as all of ours are, whether or not their lives were touched by adultery.

I know it's hard to think about now, but try to think about the opportunties this awful situation provides. Think of all the beautiful, real, live, actual life lessons you can demonstrate to your children.

You have the choice to make this situation for bad, or good. (see Romans 8:28)

Thinking of you, and wishing you only good things. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by autumnday:
Speaking of absences...where the hell have you been, TMCM??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> You haven't been in Plan B with us over here at the P/C board, have you?

Hope all is well.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi AD.

I took a cruise through the Bermuda triangle and I just got back <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . Nah, everything is great at home with the women in my life (W and DDs) and with a brand new job that I had very little time left to come to the forums. Hopefully I won't disappear again. Hope everything is going great with you as well.

Well that's good to hear. Yes, I would say the forums should be pretty far down the list of priorities, in comparison to family and work.

Glad things are going well for you. They are going well for me too. 1 yr. anniversary of d-day was last weekend. I stand amazed when I think of the changes in my life and M. You were one of those who were so helpful to me in the beginning. My H and I owe you a debt of gratitude. Maybe I'll do an update post someday.

Hey, and if you're gonna disappear again, let us know. I don't know about everyone else, but I notice and miss my cyber friends when they go away.

Hope you're enjoying your new position. Take good care.

~ad

every single day. Forever jaded, forever cynical. I will never believe another man as long as I live. Not about anything. They ALL lie.