Life had been hell since I married H. Really bad the past 6yrs with both H and I cheating and having OC.

Latly H can't seem to get past my cheating. He has cheated on me on more than one occasion. I make the bad choice of being weak and falling in to the affair. He won't let it go. I have the two kids and he has his son with Xow.

I don't bring up his past and am very supportive of him having a relationship with his son. On the other hand, on a daily basis I get my affair thrown in my face, even stil accusing me of screwing around. He is really pissed cause I let Xmm have a relationship with the kids. Right now the kids know their Papa, and would do more harm than good to stop visits.

My affair with Xmm has been over for 3yrs. Last year i broke down one night and let Xmm kiss me, hasn't happened since. I refused to be sucked back in to things again. It was I who ended the affair and it is I who refuses all the advances.

H has a drinking problem and has been a serial cheater. He honestly thinks that he has done no wrong. I'm at my wits end and in all honesty I want my marriage to work. I'm scared to death of getting a divorce and being on my own with 5 kids. I have these hopes that one day H will wake up and realize what he is missing out on with the kids and I. Right now his only concern is that we aren't having sex. How and why would I want sex with him when all he does is come home and call me nasty names and accuse me of screwing around? and with the alcohol breath on top of it.

Sorry for the ramble, just a very confusing time for me. Going on 13yrs of marriage and really really scared

Crazymum, big hugs to you.

I don't have much advice to offer, sorry for that. I guess you need to decide when it is that you can't give anymore than you already have.

As for being scared to be on your own, I am right there with you. At times, I look at things and I think I may be better off (I only have 2 kids) but it still scares me. My SIL says, I am the strongest person she knows, and that I have no reason to be scared. I am sure that you are a strong person too because if you were not, you would not have put so much into trying to save your marriage.

Take a deep breath and think about what you want, how you want to be treated and what you expect out of your marriage. Try to explain to your H and show him that you want your marriage, show him you are not have an A. However, together you two have to get past the A's and that after 3 years he has to stop accusing you have having one. This is some of what I am trying to do too. It was also suggested that I read "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay."

Side note: A girl I work with is dealing with the same thing. Both she and her H had A. As she said, she ate crow for her's but he feels he has done nothing wrong. I think it's a man thing. Sorry men.

Good luck

{{{crazymum}}}}

Trying to rebuild a marriage while dealing with a spouse with an addiction is almost an impossible task. The addiction itself is a major LB, unless the spouse is willing to apply a POJA, and give up alcohol (or drugs or porno or whatever the addiction is).

Have your read Dr Harley's concepts and ideas on addictions and marriage building?

Alcoholic spouse

Have you been to AlAnon or tried an intervention?

crazymum---I have been thinking about you but got caught up in my own melodrama.

I read on TOW, hope you don't mind, how OM treated you so well and H didn't, even now and I started to wonder, why are you still w/ H then?

Not that you should get w/ OM, he's married right? But just wondering why you stay.

I am not an advocate of divorce but I do think if 1 spouse is not trying then they have already given up. Have you both been to counseling about this? I know any counselor would first tell him to stop the drinking.

I would be scared to death too, it is a lot to consider and think about it.

I'm sorry you are getting a raw deal here. It is always sad to see people who are really trying not get any appreciation AND having to deal w/ a seemingly double standard.

I'm saying a prayer for you.

Crazymum,
Friends of ours had a similar problem last year.

The H went on a two day golf trip and came home to an empty house...everything was gone.

Who did he call? H and I. Crying and sick....he wanted his wife back and she refused until they negotiated. Now their kids were grown and W was sick of H playing darts 3 nights a week coming home drunk. They did nothing together any more and she was ready to divorce him.

Our advice was to listen to his wifes hurts and address them one at a time. He did that but refused to quit drinking forever. She said if he cut down, included her in his nights out and left with her at a reasonable time then maybe they could try again.

She remained in her appartment for 8 months and all that time her H romanced her again. He actually admitted his neglect. She admitted her love after that. Well they moved back together and are still doing well.

We see them a few times a month and they are back in love. He is cautious not to have more than a few beers and she has a glass of wine or two. She met him half way. He knows if he starts back to the way he was she will divorce him. Both do not want that and both are trying to do the right thing.

I told you this in the hopes you two can meet half way.

Resentment seems to be a factor here since you allowed C against your H's wishes. That wasn't telling him he was very important to you. Just because you would be ok with C with his oc doesn't mean he feels the same about OM being around for your two oc's. Now that c is happening, ask him how the way you handle it should change for him to be more comfortable with it.

I would read "negotiating in a marriage" here on this site if you truly want to try and keep it together for everyone.

Tell him you need him sober to talk rationally, that you are thinking of a seperation if you two can't sit down and have some serious discussions together. That you do not want to seperate but you can't go on this unhappy together.

Wishing you well, you have such a sweet family.

love
Debi