I need some advice. I have been involved w/another married man for over 2 years. I have repeatedly tried to end this, but we just can't seem to stop. Now I'm pregnant w/my 2nd child by my hubby. It was unexpected, but I always felt like this would be the one thing I needed to end my affair. I have very mixed feelings about being pregnant. I'm excited, yet very depressed at the thought of never seeing my lover again. I know it needs to stop, but I can't seem to do it. What should I do?

Ellie,

Well, I think that the obvious is to stop it now! One major question, are you sure that this pregnancy is your H(husband)'s or could it be the OM(other man)'s? You need to read all you can on this site, because it sounds as if you honestly do love your H, and want your M(marriage) to work! In order to do this, you must have NO contact with the OM, regardless of OM's or your "feelings"!

You also need to be honest with your H about the A(affair), and get it all out in the open so that you can work TOGETHER on your M! Trust me when I say that I know pretty much what you are going through, as I've had an A, and it actually resulted in a P, but have not had ANY contact w/xom since D-day(discovery day)! Of course, it was quite easy for me, as the xom showed his true colors and became violent to the extent of threatening my H's life! BUT, there are others in similar situations, who weren't sure how to end it w/xom who can offer some awesome advice on how they've survived and how far their M's have come since then!

I recommend that you get some counseling(I recommend calling the Harley's we didn't use them, but I've heard that they are awesome) that is pro-marriage, and can help you in revealing what's been happening to your H. THAT is the most important thing right now, if you want to save your M! Keeping an A a secret, to save your own neck will only tear you down in the end! Secrets always have a way of coming out, and the longer it stays a secret, the worse the outcome is! I also recommend checking out and printing the questionares on this board! They are wonderful in pointing out where the flaws are in your M, and can be VERY helpful in fixing what went wrong!

As you can see by my "signature" line, I've been in both shoes, and am willing to help in any way that I can! I am quite open with pretty much everything, so don't be afraid to ask away!

And last but not least, welcome to the Marriage Builder's boards, and you've already taken that first step in repairing the damage to your M!

Tigger

<small>[ May 21, 2004, 10:28 AM: Message edited by: tigger4jdt ]</small>

Ellie - So sorry you have found yourself in this position. The fact that you are here means you want to save your M. Step one is to end the A and have no further contact with OM. Affairs are often compared to addictions - that is why it is probably so hard for you to stop. The longer you are away from OM - the easier it will get. You will go through periods of withdrawal - don't give in and see OM - that will only feed your addiction to the A.

You also need to be honest with your H. As hard and painful as it will be for him, H has the right to know. Make it clear to him that it is over and you want to work on M. Who knows how he will react?? But he definitely needs to know.

Read all you can here and the books Surviving An Affair and His Needs/Her Needs are great. And definitely keep posting here. There are people here that have experienced both sides to an affair. We are all here to listen and help. Also, once you tell your H, you might encourage him to post here also. You both will find alot of support. My friends here are my lifeline some days.

Good luck to you. I hope this helps a little. Hopefully people with more experience will give you some response soon. I am fairly new to the situation.