LMF: I am sooooo sorry for this.

They decided "together"--- <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> ---I think I would have had an anyurism (sp?) of rage right then! What an idiot.

That STOW is playing hardball and you need to fight back. How you choose to do that is up to you. She purposely finagled that NOONE else be there so that H would have to be soley responsible to support her in her 'time of need'. They didn't decide together, SHE decided.

Let that baby have his name, so what, you get up and FIGHT for your marriage and H last name will be ALL that OW ever gets from him! (well besides CS which is mandatory <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) When you and H get back together, she can have a constant reminder of what she doesn't have.

You go away, you start plan b and don't look back. You let H enjoy HIS moment and when the truth hits him like a TON of bricks, some sense will be knocked into him, it will be better than slapping him silly!

Don't let that STOW weasel her way in there w/o consequences. Have you told everyone? Gotten support from your family & close friends? Filed legal separation papers for CS for your kids.

If STOW can play on H emotions and get all serious about her baby, so can you.

You have your cry, vomit all that ugliness out and then, stand up and fight for you, your children and your marriage. Use that rage and anger productively. Don't be a doormat and wimp out now, or even bow out gracefully! It's time to take care of business. If he wants to see kids it will be on your terms and won't include any C w/ you. Have that 3rd party be the C or he can pick them up from school or daycare or whatever.

Let him come home to an empty house and see how it will REALLY be.

Set a plan, gain control and be strong. Maybe have attorney or whoever remind H to get that DNA test done, for "his own protection" AND don't forget about STD testing for you both.

Get some rest and get out in the air, even if you don't feel like it, take walks w/ the kids and/or take them to the park. We are here for you.

Oh My,

I don't know what else to say. This is my greatest fear and I don't think I am prepared to fight for my M in this type of situation. My heart goes out to you. I want you to know that we love you here and you always have a place to come and vent or just be with someone who really cares for you.

I am so afraid of feeling what you are feeling right now. i don't know what else to say but I am truly sorry.

We love you and hope that you feel better and that your H realizes what he has done to your family.

The graceful thing is to remove yourself from this spectacle.

His disrespect of you knows no bounds. It's time you let him experience the consequences of his choice to disrespect.

You can blame her all you want - she's only fighting for what she wants and your husband has chosen to take her side...

So, go dark, very very dark. Let him come to his senses without you telling him what he's going to lose if he doesn't show some respect.

Pull out the Aretha Franklin music and let HER spell it out for him.

The most loving thing you can do for your family is to remove yourself from his contaminated space.

Scumbag that he is, his arrogance entitles him to make decisions and expect you to submit to his unrighteous actions...

Oh - I am spitting nails for you.

I'm so sorry. {{{{LMF}}}}}

hi Luv,

I am here for you too. I hope you will be here for me when my world falls apart too. I am sure your pain is indescribable. I know how it felt a couple weeks ago when I approached the subject that I did not know if I could bear it if he visited the baby very often. He has other kids that he does not even see every month. Why should this one be any different. Somewhere in the conversation he coyely mentioned. Other woman and I are having a baby together. I replied you are not having a baby together because you are not with her. She is having a baby by herself. He repeated the offending words. I left for work and cryed because of the way that he disrespected my feelings for him and gave her so much respect. She does not deserve it because he did not want a baby except with me and she took advantage of him by not taking birth control after he told her he did not want a baby. So I feel your pain and I know where you are coming from. It seems plan B may be your only option. I do not think a letter could hurt expressing your pain. Vent on me any time. I may need you in the near future. My other woman discovered her pregnancy in January 2004. I do not know her due date. Anytime I try and discuss other woman with husband he goes into a rage. If I do not mention her everything is wonderful.

Genia,

If he rages when you ask questions you are entitled to know, go the legal route to protect your family. Not rageful, not revenge. But to protect yourself.

LMF,

I don't know if you've said in any other place...

Have you filed for legal separation so you can get first dibbs on child support for your children?

If you don't and she gets legally established child support first, your children get the left-overs.

In my state they said that they have to be treated equally and neither one takes precendence over the other.

HI,

Genia, My H goes into a rage to if I talk about or bring up the OW. H does not want to talk about it at all. I will not do this any longer not knowing anything about the situation. I believe that I am going to just call it quits I am tired of being taken for granted. No one is getting upset or hurt but me so I am done.

I will talk to my attny on tomorrow morning about filing for a D!! I am done - Why keep trying and I will not live with no explanation of his actions or plans with OW. I am not going to do this anymore.

Tired,

JT

Once again, thank you all. I have been in meetings all day and I need to run to pick up my kids. My H called me around 11 a.m. to say that he was heading to the hospital, it's now 4:52 and he is still there, his cell phone is off.

Quickly, I spoke to my atty. and I will be following up in the very near future. I also spoke to my C and she want's me to find and apt. secure it with a move in date and then approach him about MC. She said to ask him "I want us to go to MC 1 a week or more often if MC feels it's necc. for 4-6 weeks. If you don't then I am moving out on such and such a date. She said the only acceptable answer is a firm yes. If he says maybe or I will think about it, then tell him that I am moving. If he reconsiders, he can let me know.

I feel myself getting strong even if my stomach is all turned inside out and upside down.

I thought about calling the hospital to talk to my H but I probably should not. Knowing her, she won't give the phone to him.

My computer is not working properly at home so I probably won't be able to get on tonight. I have a lot going on at work tomorrow and need to run out and look at apts. during the day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Let me warn you right off the bat, I am in a foul mood today <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Rain is really getting to me.

Ok. You need to, without a doubt Plan B this man. You have been struggling with the whole issue of him being with her and he knew it. He totally disregarded your feelings, your needs, your wants, your wishes, and stomped on your heart.

Get your butt to an attorney, get filed for child support and start taking care of you and your children FIRST. Got savings? Get them in your name only. You can do this LEGALLY. But make sure you and your attorney are aware of what you are doing. Freeze this man out. Do NOT leave town. Get the separation order and have the home established as your residence. That way he can't waltz in since he owns part of it. Then have the locks changed immediately. Avoid him at all costs. If he wants to see the children, let him. But you need to avoid him at all costs.Slap him with reality. You have been far far nicer to this man and this situation then he deserved and he has walked all over you. Time for the real world to hit him on the head. Once you have a separation order going, THEN you can leave town.

This is not a game. This is your life. If he is so worried about her and that oc, let him. But make sure he is aware of what he is going to lose also. I don't know all the particulars, but this man seems to think that you owe him some sort of loyalty and space. BULL. He owes YOU that. How dare he expect you to take this. I can tell you honey, had my husband even glaced at the hospital the day the oc was born his things would have been at the curb. Time to get tough.

And, DO NOT ask about oc, or ow. They are none of your concern. If he even thinks to start talking about it, cut him off and say "you know I didn't want you there, so I don't want to hear it" Do not be his whipping girl any longer. Get tough. Be strong.

Oh, and I would call the FIL and tell him that since he is so supportive of the ow/oc, he will no longer be welcome in your home. That you will socialize on family occaisions, but if they are in your home, (ie birthday parties, etc.) he will not be invited. Tell your husband the same thing. (I told you I was *****y today!)

In anycase. Take the day off and get yourself and your children taken care of FIRST. This whole situation has spun out of control and you and your husband are not even close to reconciling if he so blantantly goes against your wishes.

I know that I sound tough and mean and all. But I swear, I have been through all of this. Being weak and hurt and full of self pity will get you run over quickly. Standing up for yourself, your kids and your dignity will serve you well in the long run, no matter how it works out. If he decides to recommit to you, it will with mutual respect. Right now he has none for you. If it does not work out, you are months ahead of the healing game, plus you will have the lions share of the support for the children that matter in your life.

GET TOUGH. Being tough does not mean you are a *****. It means you are no longer a doormat, allowing him and his mistakes to rule your life. So stand up, comb your hair, fix your face, and get thee to the attorney. Let this simpleton know that you are not a fool, that you are not one to be put on hold while he plays family with ow. If that means missing work, then dammit do it. You deserve the very best life possible, this moron is sucking the life right out of you.

And another thing. I have been around this oc crap for years and years. I can tell you, being tough is the only way to survive. If you are wishy washy, that is how the commitment will be. If you only say things to save the marriage, things that you don't really mean, it will all blow up. If you try to be a peacemaker, it will blow up later. The absolute only way to survive this is to stand firm and tall with your own choices and wants and needs. If he doesn't or can't live with them, then what is the point of staying married?

I have said it a thousand times, YOU COUNT. YOUR FEELINGS MATTER. YOU CAN AND WILL BE HAPPY AGAIN. Just take control of your life and what you want out of it.

Hi JT,

My heart goes out to you because I know what you are going through. So far I am having trouble leaving because I feel addicted to this man. Separated from him before and went back because I missed him.

Hi Lynn,

Thank you so much for your wise words. I think it is just what I need. I will print them out to help me be strong if my husband does the same crap to me.

Hi LUV,

Hang in there be strong. We are all rooting for you. So sorry you have to go through this.

LUV listen to Lynn. Girl take some time off from work !!! You need it. Your kids need a strong mom not one on the verge of a break down!!! Go the the attorney, make a beleiver out of him. And if he does run to the OW , then they deserve to be miserable together. The fun is over for them and real life starts, she will be just like the rest of the M and moms, doing life's little chores and not having every min for him!!! Most of these relationships don't work. They built it on sand and will sink faster than you know!!! But look to god and he will give you the strenght to get it together. Yesterday was hard, today may be rough, but just think what tommorrow could bring if you give it to the LORD! Your children need you honey, they don't wnat to see their mom so torn up.
Keep posting, Keep praying.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny

Doing better today. Saw my C last night and got more meds. I am finally calm.

My C said something last night that was very hard to hear. My children have suffered from this and it will come out later in life. She feels that they know about the A just because kids pick up on this. They have also seen me let my H treat me poorly. She feels that they each will grow up and repeat these same patterns. That killed me to hear. I want to reverse or stop that from going any further.

Unfortunately, I can not take time off of work right now. We just won our contract and our in meeting with our clients almost every day. I have another, must attend meeting tomorrow and four more to schedule. I am also scheduled to go out of town for work. I spoke to one of the higher ups (who knows some of my situation). I told her that I don't feel right now is a good time for me to leave town, that things are in a huge uproar at home (did not say anything about OC). Her response was that it really should be you that goes, this in an important contract. There is one other possibility but she just feels it should be me. I will probably put my foot down and just say sorry, my personal life is just too important right now.

I have spoken to my atty and will be finalizing the sep. papers with her.

Lynn G - I do not want to stay in the house. I want to move. I stayed there both times he left me and shoulders the mortgage on my own. It left me strapped and ate away at my savings. I am not in the position to do that again nor do I want to. I want to live so that I have money to do fun things with. Where I live, 2 bedroom apts start at $1300 and my mortgage is much higher than that. Because it's a big house, the utilities are high too.

LynnG - Plan B is in order but I am not sure I want to Plan him. I feel like I just have had enough of his crap and when I leave it is because I am tired of being treated like crap and I want a new life. Not because I want him to realize what he lost, I don't care if that realization ever comes.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> And, DO NOT ask about oc, or ow. They are none of your concern. If he even thinks to start talking about it, cut him off and say "you know I didn't want you there </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have asked and I have gone there because this is something we originally said we would do togerher and I said that I would accept OC into our lives. I have also asked to see OC. This was proabably the wrong thing to do but it's already been done. I am also trying to show him that I am somewhat of a bigger person and that I have no ill feeling toward OC (Now OW is another story).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Oh, and I would call the FIL and tell him that since he is so supportive of the ow/oc, he will no longer be welcome in your home. That you will socialize on family occaisions, but if they are in your home, (ie birthday parties, etc.) he will not be invited. Tell your husband the same thing. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again, I disagree with my FIL for what he has said and done but he is still my children's grandfather and I am going to take the high road and not disrespect myself to him. I am not going to say or doing anything that can be used against me and make me look like the B or the difficult person. I want to give them NO reason to say "You know X had all the resaon in the world to D her, she was so difficult." Then again, as I type that, I am sure it will be said no matter what I do or don't do. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I did look at an apt this morning and I really like it. I am going to look at a few more places later today. I am actually going to leave work a little early in order to do that.

I am getting my ducks in a row but I am not going to make any rash decisions. I will move when I can do so easily and w/o stress to me. I will move when an apt. I like becomes avail. Down side, most of the ones I want won't be avail till early July. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> But this is for me and my kids and I want something with room and in a nice area.

Hi,

So Sorry. I know this is hard but you are doing the right thing. I hope I will be strong too when and if it is my turn. I have a bad feeling that when the baby comes he will show his loyalty to her and not to me.

Hey Luv,

I am so sorry for you. I am sure that you are doing what's best for you and your family. I am at that point because I know that I do not want to endure one minute of what you are going through.

All I can wish you is a lot of love and happiness. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Be strong,

JT

LUV I'm glad you are feeling better and getting your stuff in order. I keep you in my mind and in my prayers. P/S there is a thing called family leave! You need some time w/ your kids. Not alone in a motel. You need to surround your self w/people who live a support you until your emotions are back in order. The meds may help but becareful, if they make you more depressed, call your doc. I react different to meds than most and my body did the opposite. So just be aware of your body. Don't forget to eat and sleep! As hard as it may seem, but we are here for you and you can vent, cry, scream (USE CAPS) if you need.
Geniva Get it straight w/ H now!!! Ask him what he plans to do. You could deal w/ it better now or prepare for what you need to do now, not when you are in an emotional uproar. Not to say he could go back on his word, but you need to hear something from him on this supject. Tell him you don't plan to get disrespected again. I told H that and he knows I mean it. I thank God for the people here that have made me stonger and more vocal to my own needs and the needs of my children. Your kids don't deserve to see you go though this.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> sunny

Genia,

I agree with sunny, get it straight now. We would talk and then argue, then it would be nice. I wated too long because I did not want to mess up the good times. Don't wait till it's too late. My other advice would be to got on meds before this happens, just about two-three weeks. Pls consdier what Sunny said about this as well.

JT2, I hope you are never at this point either. I pray that you H listens to you and does not only think of himself.

Luv,

I am sorry that you are going thru this but it sounds like you are doing what you need to do for YOU & YOUR KIDS, that is what is most important. I can also understand that you feel like it is better to skip Plan B, only YOU know what you want to deal with at this point, & right now it is about YOU. Sounds like you gave H time to try & work this out together & he is not receptive & leaving you only 2 choices, Plan B or what you are doing now.

I will keep you in prayer. You are strong & will get thru this which ever path you chose.

Oh. The remark about the FIL was said with pure venom. I can agree that he IS their grandfather. But you are their MOTHER and you supercede the grandfather. !!!! But I was a ***** yesterday. I still think his saying and doing what he did also shows that he has no respect for you either. But I understand what you are saying, you do not want to stoop to their level. Kudos for your class!

Ok. So you do not want to stay in the home. Good for you. Find that apartment and get your life going. Sounds like even though you have been living in a hornets nest of emotions, you still have your wits about you. You are obviously a very strong and capable woman. Lucky kids to have you for a mother!

The job is very important. So, if your presence is required, so be it. Go and do a bang up job and please those clients and enjoy your success.

Then come home and take care of the moving. Take care of financials too. Make sure he is not spending one dime on her or the oc. Until cs is established, that will be considered a gift. So make sure he isn't buying diapers, or anything. Keep tight control over the finances, afterall, he has certainly shown his sneaky side. Speak to your attorney about putting all the money in your name until things settle down. It is legal in my state to do so. As long as the account says Jim AND Mary, either one can take it all. So if your accounts read that way, take it. Don't spend it obviously, but take it. Also, get yourself a new savings and new checking without his name on it. Cancell all credit cards and get your own. Stuff like that. Make sure your name is not on any of his credit cards, etc. Lots of these things can be done on the phone. You can call your bank and they can have all the paperwork drawn up for you and you can run in and sign. Little things like that can save lots of time and headaches.

Once you have dotted the i's and crossed the t's then you can tell him that you have found suitable housing and that you are out of there. You do not have to be a witch, but you certainly do not have to be a whipping girl either. DO NOT LET HIM speak of the oc until he has put forth some effort into the marriage and your needs. He is just expecting you to follow suit and not to rock the boat.

For the life of me, I can't imagine the gall of him to come home after being with ow at the hospital. The nerve is simply amazing. Is your family aware of all that is going on? You go and tell who you need love and support from. You need people to hug you and let you cry on their shoulders. Then you need to educate yourself on the legalities of separation in your state with a solid, mean, tough attorney.

I swear, no matter what you are going to be ok. He has stolen moments from you, do not let him steal a lifetime from you. And yes, from your children also. Stand up and show them how to deal with lifes mistakes in a mature, forthright fashion. You gave him a chance and he blew it. Consequences are to be had. Show them. Obviously you don't need to confide in them, but living a life of kindness, morality and decency in the face of all the adversity around you will teach them lessons without saying a word.

So get that apartment and start planning. And remember the old saying "the best offense is a good defense" So DEFEND the family finances first, and then go on the OFFENSE and get that apartment and plans in place for a brand new life.

I wish you all the best and understand where you are at right now. But understand one thing. Someday, this will be in your past. These days will all be behind you. Married to him or not you are a good person, who was dealt a raw deal. You will be happy and laugh again. You will thrive and live and love. So as you deal with the details of life and it's changes, remember this is just a phase and it will pass.

Make sure you get out and go for walks to get rid of the built up adrenalin. Take time for a chat with a friend. Enjoy time with your children. Watch a great movie. LIVE YOUR LIFE. Sure, you are frantic, but taking time to replenish yourself will do wonders for your ability to see all of this through.

Please keep posting here and venting out that anger. We all do care and want to be that shoulder for you. Most importantly, we understand and hear exactly what you are saying and feeling. Cyber or not, the heartfelt concern is real.

LMF, I hope you are getting through this with your sanity. My situation is getting better. I left when I found out about the affair and made him take out one of his retirement accounts. We split it and I moved with my daughter.
I took some anti-depressants to help me think more clearly.
Yes...you will be lonely. Yes....you will have nights of crying. But the satisfaction of taking control of your own life is AMAZING!!! My H NEVER thought I would really pack up and leave. After I left, he began some intensive counseling which he is still continuing.
We have recently reconciled and are continuing the legal work concerning the OC.
LMF, be strong and pray. I was consoled by the fact that God never gives you anything you can't handle. I thought God for a time had me confused with someone else...(ha ha) but I have defintely learned many things about my character and fortitude. And I believe my children have a newfound respect towards their mother.
Your children love you and look up to you. Hang in there pumpkin.....
You can make it through this.