hello everyone,

since my last post a while back, i have mostly good news. my gf (yes marriage in the works) and i are getting along quite well. if physical closeness is an indicator of emotional health in a relationship, then things aren't bad!

but seriously, things haven't been bad, my mother asked about us a few weeks ago and i could honestly tell her that it was feeling better than it had for several years. my parents are on their way to forgiving her for past transgressions as well, and know of her pregnancy...

...which is my issue today. the only arguing of any sort has been the problem of what to do with the child. to be honest, we dont know if it's mine or OM's, but i'm betting (yes i know) that it's not mine. i don't like being set up for a big disappointment. a pre-natal paternity test is in order soon, which will answer the question.

the birth of this unplanned and possibly ill-conceieved (but purely innocent) child will most definitely throw a huge monkey wrench into our relationship, which as i said is getting much better. i don't wanna blow what we have, and she is getting more wise to the serious consequences and decisions she is faced with due to her very bad choices.

having the baby adopted seems to be a tough but in the long run, a wise move.

my reasons:

1 - right now, our relationship and the healing is number one priority. *nothing* can or should come in the way

2 - we cannot afford it. i hate to say it but i am doing my very best to support myself, our son and her. not that i am complaining; this is what i want to do. one more is just, well - a lot more.

3 - it leaves a door open for the OM to reappear. she's sworn against him, yes. no contact. but "you never know"...i don't want him around.

4 - her mental/emotional health. she wants to move forward, go to college. she doesn't even have a drivers license! (btw, she's almost 26). i fear that the required 1 yr or so at home with the new one will probably do a lot more damage to her self-esteem. she's been creeping out of depression and a deep plunge back in is not good for any of us now.

it's hard for me to go say "okay, choose a) me and our son b) this illicit child. i think she does know that any court will hand our son to me before her alone, but this cannot be a fear-based thing. that's just wrong.

so i request to her that the child is relinquished for adoption if it is not mine, for the sake of our family.

am i doing something wrong? i do love her and i only want things to be good for all of us. it hurts me to think of her suffering...even tho i have suffered so.

You have a really hard dicision to make. You need to talk to pops, he has been there. I think it is different when its the gf/W that become preg unlike the OW. I really don't know what to tell you except you are in a good place to find support. I wish you luck and there are alot of good people out there that are looking for children to adopt. Make sure she is agreement with this arragment also. Wish u luck.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> sunny

NB, It sounds like you are giving her an ultimatum, either this or that.

Someone in my family has raised his son with his wife. He is not the biological father, but is the only father his son has ever known. Son ,(OC), does not know. I am not one to judge if this is righteous or not.

I guess my point is, you do have an advantage of adopting this child in your heart.

As a BW, most of us do not get this opportunity. I believe many BW's on this board would have been willing to raise OC, only if there was NO contact with OW.

This is where the differences in circumstances lie.

It's hard to part with a child you have carried for 9 months below your heart. A man would not understand this fact.

How much do you really love her? How much can you give of yourself?

This is your future. Only you know if you can live without her. Who knows, maybe she is willing to give the baby up for adoption. Then it will be a decision you can both live with.

Why not put off marriage until the child is born, miscarried, or aborted. Why do you feel the need, after all this time, to rush into marriage?

A lifetime is a long time to be committed. Think hard. Get counseling.

ember

ember

I think adoption is a good & reasonable choice.

You cannot however, adopt this child out w/o the father's consent. What if he wants the child? Have you considered this? Does he know? He would have to be notified and then you would still have to deal w/ him.

And what if your gf is making this decision because she feels pressured and then you guys don't work out and she is left w/ nothing? This could be how she is feeling/thinking. Even though she doesn't sound too stable right now to even be trying to raise a child.

If she suffers from depression she will be @ an extremely high risk for post partum depression so keep an eye out for that.

You 2 have a lot to consider and think about. Neither choice is easy but you have to decide together which is the best when all things are considered or weighed against each other. Neither of you can force the other to do anything.

How old is your other child?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ktbunch:
<strong> I think adoption is a good & reasonable choice.

You cannot however, adopt this child out w/o the father's consent. What if he wants the child? Have you considered this? Does he know? He would have to be notified and then you would still have to deal w/ him.
</strong>

actually, yes we can. in this state (west virginia), only notification is required, and technically, "we don't know where he is". considering he couldn't take care of his other children, and didn't raise them, currently does not really work or have any stable living arrangements, i doubt he'll be interested in caring for a child. he's stated to her that he didn't want anything to do with it if it was his.

secondly, even if a private (which means private, $990, and not legally binding) blood test confirms its not mine, i can still claim it and be the notified "biological" father.

legal loopholes are your friend <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

<strong>
And what if your gf is making this decision because she feels pressured and then you guys don't work out and she is left w/ nothing? This could be how she is feeling/thinking. Even though she doesn't sound too stable right now to even be trying to raise a child.

If she suffers from depression she will be @ an extremely high risk for post partum depression so keep an eye out for that.
</strong>

she isn't entirely stable, and a new child will rock her considerably. i am here to support her, if she doesn't adopt out the child, then i'll have to live with it - and she'll be risking our future. she's had a bit of experience with bad choices lately.

i will not *force* her to do anything.

<strong>

You 2 have a lot to consider and think about. Neither choice is easy but you have to decide together which is the best when all things are considered or weighed against each other. Neither of you can force the other to do anything.

</strong>

we do, no doubt. this has been a mostly positive 5 year relationship. we haven't left each others side, save for this "hiccup". i don't want to downplay the seriousness of what has happened, but i don't want to focus on it the rest of my life either. when i'm close to her i know that i just can't settle for anyone else, and i believe she feels the same.

during the time apart (a few months) i desperately wanted nothing more than for her to love me. she went away and we didn't speak much for a time.

and then she wanted to come back when it all fell apart for her. and then it was rough between us. and now she loves me. im not second guessing it again, distrust and dishonesty was what caused this.

<strong>

How old is your other child? </strong>

he's 3, and aware of whats going on i think. it's been difficult on him, especially the time where mommy was gone.

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