I wondered how many other BS's out there truly hate OP and OC? God help me but I hate OW so very much. I never thought I would ever or could ever have these feelings for another human being until she came into my life. And OC? How can I hate a child that didn't ask to be created, but how could I ever love a child knowing because it exists my life will forever destroyed? Sometimes I wish OW would misscarry and get out of our lives forever. Am I being selfish? Please advise.

Do you have a counselor? Have you spoken to them about this? It is understandable, selfish and in my opinion wrong, but still understandable. You hate OP and OC because they bring you pain. It's very much like finding yourself angry with a rock you have stubbed your toe upon. The rock in blameless, but the emotion is there, and the rock is the safest place to direct your negative emotions. It's a mental defense mechanism. Rather than blame yourself, or the one the who put the rock in your path (WS), easier and safer to blame the rock (OC and OP).

Hopefully that made sense. I think if you examine your emotions you'll find that your hate is born from pain, pain that is triggered by but not caused by OP and OC. If you do find pain at the root of your hate, you'll need to resolve that before your feelings of hate disappear.

What do you think?

I am not that familiar w/ your situation but.....

I can understand your feelings and emotions.

Do you hate your H? Because whatever stage of the process you are in right now, he chose this too. Our (BS) feelings begin to change and soften over time toward WS easier than for OW(OP), I think because as we begin recovery, we see WS working so hard to prove they are a changed person and they actually apologize for the grief they have caused you. You rarely experience this w/ OP.

BUT forgiveness (like love) is a choice. You can choose to forgive someone w/o it being conditional for them asking for forgiveness or based on their behavior. Forgiveness also DOES NOT mean that you have to be around that person or have them in your life. For example, you can forgive WS but not take them back into your life and remain married to them.

I hate to sound so PC and psychoanilytical (psychobabble), but if feelings of 'hate' continue to consume you then it becomes more about you & less about them or 'it' (A). It is about you holding onto your rage and anger. Usually, the anger subsides and feelings of acceptance settle in.

If you find that you cannot get to the next level in the process than some personal counseling is probably in order.

Hating OC is a sign that you are struggling more than others might. The OC is a product of this situation as much as you are, w/o a choice, their life has been chosen for them.

You, as an adult have way more power than any child because you can make changes in your life.

Yes, your life as you know/knew it may have been destroyed, but that does not mean that you cannot rebuild it and choose to make it something better.

There are many here who have been through this and have ended up on both sides of the 'marriage builders fence': divorced & moving on or still married and moving on. The key thing is that they are both moving on.

I am sorry for you and I completely understand.

When I first found out about OC & A, I too thought my life was over and every day, I wished it was! I had a son to think about, more than my self, so the first step, for me, in regaining control was choosing to work on my marriage. I realized my life was torn apart and shattered but certainly not over.

Years later, when H revealed more details and 'truth' about A & C w/ OC began, I did not think my life was over but it did spin out of control for awhile. I again took control and made choices. I chose to stay in my marriage.

Yes, I was angry, yes I was hurt, yes I had doubts but every step of the way I knew I had choices. I made some that were not the best but that did not mean that there weren't other choices. And so far, none have been particularly easy but still, I had to choose for myself.

OC has no choice in this what so ever. Maybe if you remind yourself of that, you can refocus some of that negative energy into something positive.

Really think about what you are saying here. Maybe OW treated this pg as a 'thing' to "get H", I don't know but you and i know that a pg is not a 'thing'. It is a human child. Do you have any children? Would you really wish the pain and heartache of losing your own child on anyone else? no matter how great your enemy?

I know not everyone agrees w/ or thinks that way but I am not for abortion anyway so no matter how you look @ it, I consider it a child.

Trust me, I have no sympathy for any OW. I have my own shenanigans to deal w/ from the STOW in my life.

And maybe it's because we have C w/ OC but I do care for OC. I care about her well-being. I feel sorry for her and the issues OC will have to deal w/ as she realizes who she is in all of our lives. And I do not promote C w/ OC either, because there are a lot of other issues to deal w/ there too.

I think you are probably thinking of it as a 'problem' you just wish would go away. I understand.

But here is another way to think of it: IF OW is a mean, horrible and nasty person as you think, this might be the only joy she will ever have in her life.

Does she deserve it? I don't know & I don't care. But let her have it and you be done w/ it. Let it go.

You have a choice.

I am very sorry for the pain you are going through. Do not give OW & OC another thought. Let OW deal w/ her life and you take care of what you need to. And the first person you need to take care of is you.

I absolutely despise the OW and hope she chokes on something.
As for the OC...I really wish her mother hadn't been selfish and chose to keep her. I wish my husband hadn't been selfish and chose to ruin his marriage bonds. I wish a better life for OC, but in my earlier darker days when it was all new (we're three years post-D-day) wishing that OW fell down a flight of stairs wasn't above my thinking then.

I hate the OW. I hate what my husband did.
OC...well, she has to reap what her mother and sperm donor sowed.

I especially hate the "poor OC" comments I still get from people who know...somehow everyone seems to forget the "Poor children of the marriage."

But those are my feelings and I live with them and I look in the mirror everyday.

Twiisty

OW got pregnant on purpose to keep WS in her life. WS and I lost a child years ago and were trying again when OW came into our lives. She has used this pregnancy against me in every way possible. No, OC didn't ask to be here but I didn't ask for any of this period. Do I blame WS, well of course I do. However OW knew he wasn't available and chose to spread ler legs anyway. Just because WS offered didn't mean she had to go for it. Why is it my child meant nothing and her means everything?

Cyn1018,
I hope you get this because my computer is so acting up and I need to restore it...ugh!

It is completely within the time frame of new discovery to hate ow/oc. I have done that and am past d-day by almost 4 years.

It does get better. You will come to a place of no longer hating...but perhaps feeling apathy for ow/oc...to feel nothing for something as soul crushing as this is understandable.

Especially since you and H lost your precious baby and were trying again. Then ow seems to so easily conceive a child! and your H did his part to make it happen! Makes you feel like all you have been through was done for nothing...pain and suffering all in vain and for what? to have H go out and place his misled feeling towards a woman who CAN have a baby! Am I hitting the nail on the head here?

Fear not Cyn....your pain will soon be overcome with a sense of better, not right away...but God promises to make things better if you give it all to HIM. It is what I did, no matter I trusted in God no matter what happened to me or our marriage or ow/oc. It was my salvation. It was hard as I BLAMED God for the circumstances....soon I was comforted by Him.

It is totally a proper response to wish baby gone and ow with it. I felt guilt over those feelings and was twisted in not knowing what had happened to me and my thinking.

Think 911 don't you think the Moms, Dads and wives and husbands said horrible things to God? Blamed him in the beginning? The kids left without their parents? Of course they thought horrible things!

Your thoughts will change. It will take mountains of recovery time to heal from this horrible shocking ordeal. Your H will or will not be a part of that.

Please think about a counsel sesion with the Harleys....expensive but woth every penny.

You will know your feelings are natural in the light of this family disaster.

Prayers tonight to you....Blessings of abundance too.

love
Debi

What do I really feel about the op? NOTHING, that is what she is that is what she gets from me. The child I pity, my H wants nothing to do with her and her own mother has no regard for children. If she did we would not be in the situation. She would have not have brought a child in this situation and she has displayed total disregard for my children. At night I worry that I might be her only chance at being with a person of character I feel that this might be my purpose in life to shower her with compassion she may never get. Yet her mother is so low down she would never allow it and her father was only looking for fun he never wanted the responsibility he already had that here it was enough for him. I was pregnant at the time of the affair and she told a coworker he was only with me because of it so she would also get pregnant and he would leave me. That is how little she knew him it was what he was escaping from not looking for. Time calms the emotions I look back at how I reacted at the news and am ashamed I said the things to my H. Things are calmer I don't like it and aspects of it bother me but the emotion is better. The best thing you can do is find a way to accept and move forward allow the experience to teach you about yourself.

Why is it my child meant nothing and her means everything?

Your child does mean something, means everything to you.

You have been violated & robbed.

Your reactions are completely understandable but to let it consume you is not healthy.

I know you feel so helpless and want to fight back or hit back somehow. It seems like this would somehow make it fair hanh?

It will never be 'fair' because it wasn't fair. You did NOT deserve this, I know.

There are many here who have experienced what you are experiencing & can can feel your pain more accutely and give you the comfort you need.

But when the pain seems unbearable we can sometimes turn it into anger and when it begins to consume us, it can turn inward and then you will even begin to see it manifesting itself physically in health problems.

You need to take care of yourself and see a counselor who is more specialized in this area which you are struggling w/. Perhaps a grief counselor or one who specializes in and can help you cope w/ the loss of your own child.

I did not mean to imply that yours did not matter.

I am sorry & can only imagine the personal pain you are enduring.

I have been there and hated OW too, after all this time, I sometimes still do but mostly just find her extemely annoying and I think about her less & less so as not to ruin my day!

I wish I could come to the feeling of just not caring about the OW, but she was my best friend and I am still so very, very angry at her for all of her part in this whole deceitful mess. Maybe if I did not know her it would be easier not to care. But to have my H's child and then for her to continue being my best friend? Sorry. But forgiving her is going to take a long, long time! I am still having horrible dreams about her where I just walk up to her and smash her in the face!

As for the OC, well her mother does not allow her to come over anymore. Why? I don't know and I am not going to call her up and ask her because I am still way too upset. The only time I spoke to my former bestfriend/OW was such a horrible experience with her saying the most cruel, hurtful and nasty things to me.

I guess as long as I didn't know the truth it was ok for OC to come over. It was ok for my D and OC to be best friends. Now I don't know what is going on. I do not hold OC to blame at all, I miss her and I love her.

I still want my old life back.

Cyn, most OW know that your H is not going to leave you. Most of the H don't. They lie to these people telling them what aweful people we are to live w/ then all of the sudden they are busted and the realize they LOVE us and we are the greatest. I think MOST OW know that they are not going to leave us for them. But if they can get a pc of these WS then, maybe we will just kick their butts out. Ok first off they WS lied to you and her, She then will lie and be deceitful in getting what she wants to get the MM to stay or leave, ect. Mine told me H came home for the kids and she could even the playing field. How sick is that? Do you think that child has a chance of growing up NORMAL? This child will come to the realization one day, why it is here and who did what w/o me having to say a word. I just will show it the love that God intended all of us to show "HIS" Children. Hurting a child hurts God more than anything. They are not ours they belong to him!! ALL OF THEM. Feeling anger for the OW is natural. Feel anger for the child, is not. I never wished anything bad on the child. I hope it is healthy, has all fingers and toes just like mine did. These children have done nothing to any of us. They will hurt just as much in the long run as the BS,BC. I would not wish my pain on anyone. I have been their too w/ losing a child, a baby, by miscarriage. So I wouldn't want our xOW to feel this pain, even though she is not my friend and yes she is considered by enemy, but her child is a part of my H and cannot feel any anger toward the child. I hope you can get to see a counciler and start getting over your pain of loosing your child and the anger for the OC. I will keep you in my prayers and God wants you to lean on him and he will see you though this!!!!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> SUnny

Cyn,

I know how you feel I think that I hate the situation that I am in more so than the OW. Unfortunately OW did not know that my H was M. But she too was not looking hard enough. She knew he had someone. Because he told her he had a house but he could never take her to it. They always met up somewhere from what i know.

I do have the feelings some slight feelings of hate but really just anger at the whole thing - see my OW is M also. She has been seperated from her H for some years according to her so she should know how I, as the wife feels. She has other children and how do they feel about it I wonder.

I hate the situation that I have been put in by them both and Hate the fact that OC will exist, but know that it is not there fault. However I do not want any part of OC with my H nor aqny member of my family. I feel that it is best for all. I will leave the M if H thinks or considers otherwise. I will not subject our children to this at all!!

JT

Cyn,

When I first found out about A & OW, I was devastated, I was preparing to have a tubal reversal so that I could have a baby w/ H, I threw him out the same day, only to have SF w/ him the next nite, hoping that God would perform a miracle in my womb since I was ovulating! I was really tripping hard I know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

A few times during the rest of OW's pg. I secretly wished she would miscarry & the nitemare would be over, but that didn't happen, it was not God's will. I tried really hard not to hate her but on occasion I did feel much hatred for her, more than anything I hated what my they did to me. I have forgiven my H & I have been praying over forgiving OW, she makes it hard of course since she is still upset that he didn't stay w/ her, so she keeps the baby away from me, still trying to break us up by using an her baby, what a role model she is.

Other than wishing my step daughter was never born a few times, I have felt nothing but love for this child, she didn't ask to be born into these circumstances & I hope to have her in my life. If I had children w/ my H I may feel different, but I could never hate her. From what I have seen & know of OW, my step daughter needs me, but only God knows if I will have the oppotunity to be in her life.

However this situation turns out, I refuse to let any feelings of hatred consume my life & change who I am.

The ow/oc are nothing to me. They live their lives we live ours.

In the beginning, we felt like you. My H wanted her to abort, I did too. She didn't. No contat was what we choose, and have stuck with it.

I hate other woman. Other woman got pregnant on purpose. Husband wanted a child by me but my tubes are tyed. I thought of having them untied. Then she got pregnant by him. I hate her. I wish she would lose other child. If child lives I will try and love child but I am sure it will always remind me of affair. I do not think I hate other child but I do hate the pain it caused me.

OW is dumber than a rock but ultimately OW had choices, a rock doesn't. Also people from 911 didn't have a choice either, that was taken away from them.
If OC is WS's I will try to love him because I love WS. As for OW I will never ever have any feelings other than hate for her. She already has a husband and children. Maybe if she would have put some effort towards her husband the A would have never happened. This was not the first time she cheated on her H, and I doubt WS will be the last!

No maybe not. She (OW) has a messed up life and she also needs to find the Lord. She is not happy and therfore can't make anyone else happy either. Sex is a physcial thing, it is in no way LOVE. STOW's give it up because in my heart i feel that is the only way they feel like they are loved. No remorse or feelings for whoever they hurt. I know it is hard to ever thinking that your life will be back together, but it will. Look at all of the "oldies". If they have contact, they are working HARD for it. If they don't then they are working HARD at their M!! Their (STOW) lives are feeled w/ nothing so why shouldn't yours? Don't let these types of people take down your closness and love for the lord. I let my OW & WS do that and I was the worst person I ever wanted to be. I didn't know that person and did not want to be her!!!! I found something that may help if you open the heart that God gave you and let him talk to you. Luke 6-27-36. You I know do not want to harbor hate and/or show this to your children. But there is not a one person who has dealt w/ this type of situation hasn't felt the way you do. I did, somedays are better than most, but we still have bad days. I will not let a lost sinner like the OW take me out of the graces of Gods eyes. I will not let her make me that person ever again!! But I had to break down and listen to what God was telling me. And had to p/u my bible and let him show me where I was going and what type of person I wanted to be for him and my family and no one else!! Christians who love the lord are not cowards, I did turn the other check, but will not let the same person do it twice!! Thats not what he said. We are the strongest people there are and he helps us stand tall and helps us get through anything that the devil throws at us. Ok nuff of my preaching. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Oh and prayed daily Lord please take my enemies from me. That didn't mean I wanted her dead, or anything to happen to her or her child, just let him know I trusted him to take care of it and I needed his help w/ healing. Haven't heard from the OW in a long time it may be working, I beleive if he knows when we have all we can and ask him for this great burden to be lifted he WILL HEAR YOU !!!
Sunny <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Hi Cyn,

I got cell phone bill on-line and husband has been calling other woman almost every day. I confronted him and he confessed. He said reason is because other woman relapsed. He wants to talk her into getting help so baby will be OK. Or he suggested she give him baby if she insists on doing drugs. That is her story. I did not tell husband I hope she loses baby because of drugs. He would think me evil then. He thinks I am supportive of him now. He is happy now that I am accepting his story. I hope he is telling truth. He sounded like he was telling the truth this time.

Trust after all we have been though is a hard thing. But u know this man better than anyone so listen to your heart. I think alot of them are scared of what the OW is going to mouth off to us and how we are going to react to the info, wheither be a lie or truth. My H was just taking calls so she wouldn't call me. Cause if she couldn't get him she started calling the house and stuff. He knew I would be mad, and go off again. But I/you or H cant control what the OW does or saids. SO when she did call I just handed the phone to him, was nice and pleasant, and the phone calls are coming to an end. They (WS) WANT TO KEEP EVERYTHING CALM. Once they (OW) know they can't control your life they don't try as hard to irratate you. I've even picked up the phone at H request to tell her to stop calling and give her some answers she wanted. But thats where I am and you will get there too. Just don't make a really big deal unless he starts lieing about it! As long as H is being honest, then you can work on M not until then. And you have to be honest about your feelings to, but in the understanding way that you did it. Like lynn said walk off, and let him know just in that way you are upset and he hurt you. Its a very tiring game of cat and mouse and you have to bite the tougue sometimes and use the opportunities when they come around to express your feelings as well as him. Give him a chance to too.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny

Hi Sunny,

Thanks. Things are going well now. When my husband was in affair he was very mean to me. That helps so when he is nice I know nothing is going on. He is very happy and upbeat now since he confessed. He says he feels better for getting it off his chest. I didn't love bust. Yeah for me and for Doctor Harley. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I used to love bust bad and I thought I was doing right.

just wanted to add how i feel about exOW/OC.

i feel sorry for OW. she is still obsessed with DH. it is very sad that she can't move on and that she makes her life miserable. i don't hate her. i don't like what she did, or that she hates me, but i don't hate her. she is a person. she made a mistake. she has to live with the consequences. i recently found out that OW tried to somehow thru brujeria (witchcraft, sorta) make it impossible for me to get pregnant. who knows how, but of course it didn't work. pretty pathetic. but, until i got pregnant, her and her friends believed i would never give DH a child. (long story on how i find these things out, my life is really a soap opera)

i feel sad for OC. sad that she doesn't have a dad. sad that she has a mom that didn't think about things. sad that she can't have what my DD has, a dad who adores her. i can't control that though. her mom ultimately chose her life. she knew he was unavailable, but thought she could get him to leave me by getting pregnant. very wrong. i worry whether OW is a good mom, but i can't fix everything. OC comes from a family of single mamas and her mom hangs out with single moms, so who knows what she will think.

anyway, mostly, i feel sad for OC. i hope the best for her and that she will one day understand why things are the way they are. i think she will see how her mom is and understand that contact would have been detrimental to her health. OW is very much the type to try to "brainwash" OC and that is worse for a child.