I know OW will not be a good mother. She can't take care of the 2 kids she has. Leaves them home alone while she goes to the bar. Brings home strangers to be with. Does drugs in front of them. Yet WS doesn't see this. I don't know why he thinks because she has OC she will somehow change. This C hasn't got a chance. If it is born healthy I will be surprised. There is nothing OW could ever do to change my opinion of her.

If exOW knew some of the things that I said I wanted to do to OC when I first knew about her, she would never let us see OC. But feelings change. My rage subsided and I became much more rational and much more myself again.

How do I feel about exOW? It is strange. There is some contact because we have phone contact with OC which means phone contact with exOW since OC is still a young child. We have met a few times on visitation. At first I hated her, wanted her dead. When I met her, I found I actually liked her, didn't like her morals, her behavior or how she had contributed to the mess our marriage was, but she was funny, nervous, smart and she apologized over and over again for what she did. She has been a very reasonable OW all in all.

My attitude about her began to improve when I began to pray for her. I prayed that she would come to a relationship with God, change her ways, mend her life and become whole. I don't pray for her happiness but for her salvation. I pray for her to be the best mother possible to OC.

I am still jealous and upset if there is a phone call between H and exOW, even though I do believe that they limit the talk to OC.

I told H on D-day that I would not be able to stay in the marriage if it changed me, if it made me a bitter and hateful person. It did, but only temporarily.

Hope this helps,
MJ

Maybe if WS was with me and had come home. The A is still ongoing and this is probably why it is so hard for me. I might have had some compassion for OW had she not been so vindictive and hateful. She has always thrown it in my face about her baby and how she was able to get pregnant, also never misses an opportunity to bring up the child WS & I lost. Not to mention all the hurtful things about the A. She destroys my life and then blames me. I truly don't know if I could ever forgive her. I still haven't forgiven WS either. The OC just makes these feelings more intense. Sometimes I want to die the pain is so bad.

you know after recently finding out that my H is fathering a child from his infedility last year I'm a bit confused about how I should feel right now.

He has a child before our M that I have always tried to get him involved with b/c it is (was) his only son and he took ADHD from his father's genes..along with many of his other anger traits. I have tried to explain the importance of his being apart of his life for our entire 6 years of marriage. And as of just recently I have rekindled the associate-type-friendship between the mother and I and our children are enjoying the time they have with one another.

I thought long and hard about this OC and the OW, Could I ever see myself allowing her to just bring the child over and play with our two D's or with his other son also? Could I ever see myself associating with her as I do with his X? Do I even want my children to know they have a younger brother? My soon to be 6 yr old is very very smart and would wonder how daddy had a baby if he was with mommy? That is not something I would ever want to explain to her at such an early age. I wouldn't even know how to go about it without having a look on my face that would explain everything to her.

I at this point feel like what is done is done. There is nothing that can be done to change the life and birth of this child, nor change his bipolar mother's mind enough to allow him to know who his real father is and how he went about being conceived. She wishes to have nothing to do with my H for fear of me. She called me right after the A was exposed and I let her have it so I can understand why she'd be afraid. I am a christian woman and with the love of christ running threw my veins I can't help but feel so sorry for this little boy who may not ever know his father.

Will I prevent my H from seeing him when he is released from prison..NO, but he will have to understand that it will be a decision he will make alone. He will visit this child alone...everything about that child will be that of his responsibility where is I interveined alot with his first child and he would stay over with our D's...I would pick him up and drop him off for sake of arguement between his mother and my H. I will never do such a thing when it comes to this OC. I think it will put a huge dent in our recovery if indeed he decides to begin speaking to her and making arrangements another 3 years from now.

That is a decision he'll have to make. I will not pressure him either way. I need to know where his head will be at anyway. Honestly I just think that if she decided to give the child her H's name. Knew that she was pregnant by a M'd man ...knew he already had children and a wife..knew he wouldn't leave us for her and her child...knew who I was and what I was about...and still decided to sleep with him and conceive. Then that's her problem not mine. I insured the best I could to have a mother and father in the home upon deciding to have unprotected sex and become pregnant. I made the arrangements to make sure I was stable, financially, emotionally, & physically...if she couldn't make that same preparation then what can I tell her? Did she expect a full time daddy around? Minga it was a toss up between 4 guys who the actual daddy was.

Humm...4 weeks in a month...approx: 1 new guy a week. She's gotta live with that. I'm not gonna feel sorry for her. I feel sorry for that boy though. I have heard he already has a bad temper at 7 mo's old. Born from two Bipolar parents I can't imagione why?

Sorry that turned out to be more like a vent then an actual statement. But thanks for listening...

God bless you Cyn..haven't talked with you in about a month. Sorry to see your pain conceiving you...I think if you had a better relationship with your H and he wasn't so damn undecided then maybe it would easier for you to deal with this situation. You feel like you are on the back burner and that is why you are filled with hatred. I can't honestly say I wouldn't be in the same place if it wasn't for the fact that H and I are recovering. I may be wrong and please don't take offense hun...I know you are in pain right now.

I did LB really bad at him the day he told me he finally got the papers. (I found out before that anyway..from the grandmother that keeps her first born child b/c she got her taken away when she decided to go to NYC to be an escort) Little triggers get me often and I unleash the anger. But we are only human right? I'm trying...some days I'm okay and forget about it...other days I fear the troubles it will cause me in the future. Now I have living breathing proof of his A. Nice thing to have to explain to my D's someday. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Strenght,
I was wondering how things were going for you. At least now you have proof. My WS doesn't want a DNA test. Thinks OW would never lie to him. I don't know what to do. I cried so hard again today. Everyone is so concerned about OW. When WS and I lost our baby he acted like he didn't even care. My family acted the same way. Now that OW is pregnant he is so concerned and cares so much. Why is it he wantes a child from a married crack w**** but our child didn't matter? Some days the pain is so unbearable.
I think of you often. God Bless & keep psoting.

When I finally confirmed my WS's affair, the OW was 6 months pregnant. (He was 47 and she was 22). Initially I gave the OW the benefit of the doubt, thinking my WS may have lied to her like he did to me. In terms of the OC, I initially thought that I could never accept a child from that relationship. As my WS and I discussed reconciliation, I told him that I didn't know if I could ever accept the OC. He said he understood that, and knew he couldn't ask it of me. But, he felt an obligation to parent the baby in some way. I truely believed that the OC was totally innocent, but didn't know if I could ever love him/her. Well, I finally decided that I would give "acceptance" a try, little by little, with the understanding that I could back out at any time or go no further in the process. The baby was born (he will be 2 yrs. old, June 15)
and to top it off has Down Syndrome. I felt like God had smacked me down and stomped on me. I had always said that I hoped I never had a child with a mental handicap, as I didn't think I could ever learn to accept their limitations, and the cruelty of society. And here I was, struggling with the affair in the first place, and now this. Long story short: I met the baby briefly one night as my WS brought him to the car to show me him. Then the WS and OC came to my place for a visit. I did have some hateful feelings toward my WS and the OW. And I struggled with feelings of hate when I saw the OC as a reminder of how he came into the world. But, when I first took the OC in my arms, held him, rocked him and gave him his bottle, my heart melted. I'm not saying this should or could happen for anyone else. My point is, that sometimes feelings can change. But in my case, they changed because I gave myself permission to not accept this child into my life, to take all the time I needed to process this whole relationship, and decide whether to hang on or let go.

Today, as he approaches his second birthday, those old angry feelings toward my WS and the OW attacked me with a vengence! I think it's due to the fact that I still have to make many lifestyle changes, as result of their affair. And, bottom line is that even if the OW thought we were no longer married (we were still married),she still knew that we were together as a couple. She'd call the house and ask for him, when I answered the phone. I'm still not angry towards the OC. But today.....I'd love to go and kick the s_ _ _ out of the OW and WS. This too shall pass when I decide that I've let it stir me up long enough. But, in the mean time, I must say that my fantasies of what I'd like to do to them, bring me a whole lot of joy!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ June 12, 2004, 04:43 PM: Message edited by: heartfailure ]</small>

I too have fantasies about what I'd like to do to OW and sometimes WS. It's so hard, because of OC I will constantly be forced to suffer the consequences of the A. Not to mention the fact that she will always have a bond with WS I will not. It only took 3 days to completely destroy what it took WS and I 13 yrs. to build. (He supposedly fell in love in this short period of time). I will always be reminded that our child meant nothing and hers means everything.

that "special bond" is a kicker, isnt it!! My WS was at the baby's birth "for the baby's sake" We never even had a child together...because neither of us wanted more children. We each had two from previous marriages. It gets me that WS saw parts of OW he's never seen on me. They shared a close experience that I can never have. Dont have much advice, but hang in there...you are in my thoughts

<small>[ June 13, 2004, 11:20 PM: Message edited by: heartfailure ]</small>

One very small plus is that WS will not be in the delivery room. This A has destroyed my life and now OC. How much more can a person take. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I LOVE both OC. Mija even calls me mommy (you can bet OW was not happy about that). That "special bond" that dh supposidly had with OW isn't really there. All the "family moments" with the kids are at our house and with me. WE take them to the beach, the aquarium, the zoo. WE have all the kids jump on our bed on Saturday mornings. WE get up in the middle of the night for 3 am feedings. The OW isn't there....at all. I don't see the children as anything but children - they aren't "reminders of past indescretions," they are little kids that need love and caring and hugs and kisses. They are bump-on-the-noggin come running to me first to kiss it better. They are spaghetti faces and slobbery open mouthed kisses that you tell them you're not rubbing off, you're rubbing in.

OW - what do I think of her? I think she's a sad, sad person. I think she is a person that would have amazing potential except that she is chronically lazy. I think she saw dh as an "out" of her way of living, and did everything she could to trap him. I believe in her way she love/loves him, but I think it's because she sees him as a savior of sorts. Do I think she's concious of this thinking, no - I actually think that she's incapable of deep, introspective thought sometimes. I would also hazard a guess that if she did someday get her s*it together and pull herself up out of this miasma of her own creation, she would see all of this and know she is better off knowing she can be a successful human being without having to rely on a man to get her out of her misery.

I do not like her one iota - but I could see myself liking her if she got her life in order. I do know that making a commitment to dh means making a commitment to the children - to make certain they grow up to be the best human beings they can be - and I told OW that (she was less than thrilled - but really, I would expect no less from her had he left our kids and me - I told her that, too - that gave her a minute's thought, I must say).

Don't think for a minute that I'm happy with this situation, or I'm not hurt to the core. It hurts so bad sometimes - but I prayed long and hard about this, and can feel it's right for us. And if it doesn't work - I know I was the best person I could be!

- Kimmy
M - 9 yrs.
S - 14, previous M
D - 7 (almost 8)
S - 4
OC - Girl 1 yr.
OC - Boy 1 month

I wish OW would drop dead and OC with her. I truly hate them both and I will never forgive OW or WS ever!

Nios,

I think I said this to you before but you are one remarkable woman! I too would be the same kind of "mother" to H's ds if given the chance.

Oh I wanted to thank you for your advice about taking the prozac, I haven't yet but I probably will start taking them soon.

I TOTALLY understand Cyn! Sending you cyber hugs!

I'll tell you that only those of us here that are going through it will ever, ever understand your hurt and pain. OW and WS may comprehend that you're hurt, but they will never, ever know the extent of it - but only those of us here going through it too really know <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> ....I'm here for you.

- Kimmy

Hey Babygirl!

Don't expect, like, this wonder feeling of being freed or something. What the zoloft does for me is restore my balance. It also wasn't all at once I started feeling better (tho zoloft was created for women with ppd - and LORD knows they need it to kick in asap) - it was a gradual kinda I'm-not-having-OCD-thoughts-anymore-and-I'm-not-gonna-quit-breating-because-of-the-bull-hocky-dh-puts-me-through thing. I'm very much an OCD thinker - I get an idea in my head and I'll pick it apart till I make myself sick over it (hey, we all gotta know our faults, right). I don't do that anymore. Now I can say, yep. The guy's an idiot, then finish my work day without another thought about it. Before, it'd be so obsessive that it'd ruin my day and maybe my week. To tell the truth, I'm a habitual smarta$$, who also can crack a joke about the worst situations. You want to know when I figured it out that I needed help? When I lost my sense of humor. How weird am I?

I'm so much more the "me" I was before all this happened....of course a new "me" that has learned a great deal about the human condition, but still "me" now.

I'm not amazing or strong. I'm just logical to a fault...lmao! At least I know it, right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Cyn, I'm sorry for the pain you have. But wishing death on someone is not good and is not what is right. Forgiveness is hard and don't expect people to do it right off the bat. But you would not want anyone to wish it on you or yours. I'm sorry you lost your child. But remember the pain you felt. Why would you wish that on anyone. Not even an enemy. Forgive me for asking but are you and H together? Are you seperated? Is he w the OW now? I looked back on some of your post and couldn't find anything? I know you are hurting, but are you talking to a C? I might be bold with this question. Are you a christian? Yes we get mad, yes we hurt. But let God comfort you and your hurt. Don't wish it on anyone else. I have lost a child that I was pg with. I know the pain!! But I wouldn't wish it on the OW by no means! Do I like her, NO, Do I trust her, NO. Do I want to be her friend, NO. Do I pray for her, YES, Do I hope she has a healthy child, YES! Do you forgive your H? I've noticed that your feelings for the OW havent changed and your anger is not getting better. We are here to help you to move on with your life and give you someone to talk to and hope you don't get upset with me, but I want to help you heal. ((((((((((CYN)))))))))))
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D.

No, WS and I are not together. Haven't been since the day OW came into the picture. We talked about it several times. Each time OW knew we were thinking about it she is all of a sudden pregnant. She misscarried the first baby. She herself didn't know if it was WS's or not. We were trying to have a baby of our own until OW came into the picture. She throws it in my face every chance she gets about my baby and how she is pregnant. Even blamed me for losing her other baby. She is a crack w**** and was doing hard drugs for at least the first 4 months of her pregnancy. She has been leaking fluid for about 5 weeks now and is due the end of July. How can this baby possibly be healthy? I don't know if she's doing drugs now, but I can't see her stopping. And yes I am a Christian. At least I
was until all of this happened. How on earth do
I believe in a God who would allow my heart to be crushed in a million pieces and would rather give a child to a crack w****? I just got a letter in the mail from WS that says he loves OW and her kids and their baby. What about our child together? Not one person I knew cared about me or my baby. But OW, now she is just the greatest.

How on earth do I believe in a God who would allow my heart to be crushed in a million pieces and would rather give a child to a crack w****?

The same way you believe in thee God who would allow his OWN son to be sacrificed & die a brutal, horrific death and allow his own heart to be crushed into a million pieces........for YOU.

And many people do not, did not & never will care about Him or His loss & sacrifice either.

***********
***********
Even if you stop believing in God, he will always believe in you. Even if you hate Him, he will love you.

But you won't receive any comfort unless you want it. We can't force you to change your feelings & emotions about this.

I can appreciate your honesty. I am really sorry that you seem to not be able to move beyond your pain & anger. There are no answers. This is an unfair situation & it always will be. Nothing will change that.

Why have you lost all hope? Are you saying that your H was the be all to end all & that since he has gone off & abandoned you that there is nothing left for you to live for? That you can never find love again? Why would you even want him back?

Really, why would you? If he is such a selfish jerk WHY WHY WHY do you want him? And why grieve over such a horrible person anyway?

From the sounds of it, you should be celebrating good riddance to bad rubbish!!!!!!

Why even give OW another thought.

Why not start life over fresh and new?

Do you think so lowly of yourself that you cannot be worthy of love by another, someone who would treat you RIGHT & the way that we all think you deserve?

I'm not trying to kick you while you are down but....come on woman.....you're better than this @$$ that you still call H! Why can't you see it?

I agree! God has not left you. And P/S your H cheated you not God. All things happen for a reason. Don't know why, not my place but trust me He is good ALL THE TIME!!! He is with you. Just let your heart hear him. He wants to comfort you, just let him. I cant say I blame you, but God does not want you this way. You cant just not be a christian one day that things go wrong. If you and WS are not together, than make your life what God wants it to be. If it is meant to be then he will too see the light. The devil blinds us every chance he can. To turn us away from the glory of God. If you turn to him, and give him your life, soul and mind then you will heel and your life will change! I promise!! He is the greatest thing you can ever trust. He will be the ONLY man that would die for you and wash your sins away. ((((((Hugs)))))))) I am praying for you to heal and we are here for you. We don't wont you to stop posting or stop reading, but we have all been there and we are all climbing out on top. Weither we are M or not God has a plan for all of us.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Oh Cyn - I prayed for you last night. I know you think that this pain won't end - you've even said so - but it will. And you have a whole flotilla of angels here online who'll listen to you and pat your cyber back and UNDERSTAND what you're going through because we've all BTDT. God sent you here for a reason - and I don't think that there is one lady here that wouldn't commiserate with you and help you through this.

We're here - we're praying for you. And God has your back.

Remember that only God is infinite - everything else has an ending - even this. Turn your face towards him and give him your sorrow. Believe me, you'll feel better for it.

Hi Cyn,

I will pray for you that God will give you the answer. I understand not understanding why God lets bad things happen to good people. I turned my back on God once when something horrible happened to me. But God was still there to protect me. My other woman refused to commit herself. She will produce a crack baby also. I do not understand why these women have to keep producing babies just so they can steal a husband. They are so cruel.