I can't say how happy I am to have found this site. On the 28th (9th anniversary) I found out that H's friend was pretty much obsessed with him. Although I had already figured that and was asking him to end the friendship, which he was in the process of doing b/c he had made the one fatal mistake with OW one time and was being eaten with the knowledge that he royally screwed up. OW couldn't handle that he didn't want her. I'm so confused b/c they were friends and nothing was inappropriate about the relationship. OW was a little needy and called H too many times, but she had just went through a difficult divorce, and H thought he was helping her. Well he took the comfort a little too far one day and now after one time with her she is saying she is pg. She brought positive home pregancy test to my home on my anniversary, and I am just destroyed. H is being wonderful, and very supportive. He knows the mistake he made and can't say he's sorry enough. I really believe him as we've been together for 11 years and I know him well. He refuses to speak with OW or see her. She is still calling daily, mostly to say she doesn't care and she is marrying her ex and that H will never see OC. I know that he hates that she is pg but he is very family oriented and he wants to be apart of the childs life although he has said that he will not do that if I can't handle it. He is very committed to making our marriage work and tells me that we need to focus on building our marriage and our family (have a 3 y/o son) before we focus on OC. The thought of OC really tears me up though, it took 5 years for me to get pg with son and we have been trying for 2 years now to have another. I feel that it has been taken from me now. I would really like to hear from others who have actually survived the birth and integration of OC into family.

OW is being very cruel, don't even know if she is being honest, she has lied about several things even got me on the phone to tell me lies, she told H that she could not conceive another child b/c last one almost killed her. I believe she set out to get pg in an effort to get H and now it didn't work out the way she wanted. I don't know what the truth is with her, she is full of lies, and she is supposedly here on politcal asylum from Argentina. She called H this morning to tell him she was going to the dr. today, H called her back at my request to have her provide official documentation that she is pg. She told him she was going to dr. tomorrow and the only way he can know anything is if he goes with her, that she will not give him any other info, b/c it is not MY right to know, that she doesn't care how it affects me and what I believe. OW told H that I am to have nothing to do with this child. That makes me so angry! He doesn't want to see her and is letting me make all decisions regarding how much contact he should have and what to do about OC, but he does want to know if she is really pg and how far along she is. H doesn't remember exactly but says it was about 3 weeks ago and that when he saw her yesterday to return personal items she was in maternity clothes and had a pooch. I told him that was impossible no matter how little she was!
I have this huge fear that if he goes tomorrow he will reconnect over this shared experience and want more contact throughout the pregnancy, which I don't think I can handle. I just want to make it through the next 8 months focusing on us and our family, then deal with the OC after it's born. OW insists she wants nothing from H and that she doesn't want H to have anything to do with OC, she even told H that she told her dr that her ex fathered the baby. I know how connected he is to family though and I think it would hurt him to not have contact with OC. It's confusing to me b/c I want to run away and never see OW/OC but I don't want H to be denied his child or the child of it's father. I'm so angry and scared. I want my M to work, we are both convinced that is the only way but this OC really messes me up and I am unsure how to proceed especially about this visit tomorrow.
Sorry this is a long post, but thanks for listening.

amberlina,
I am sad to welcome you, but very glad you found us too.

Yes, it is possible to survive this. I have, as many others have.
There are a few of us around here that do have contact with OC and ultimately that means some form of contact with OW, but most have no contact other than child support.

My first suggestion to you is to read as much as you can about the MarriageBuilders Principles. Policy of Joint Agreement and Radical Honesty are 2 very important ones to become aquainted with. They will help you no matter what road you choose.

My second is a 2 part suggestion. Get an attorney and then wait until DNA proves that the child is your H's...
The attorney is to protect you and your family. It has been suggested to many newly Betrayed Wives to file for legal separation and child support for their children. This can protect many of your marital assets.
You and your H must do what you can NOW to protect yourselves.

Keep reading and keep learning... post as often as you have questions.
We are here to help you and support you in your journey.

Welcome to MarriageBuilders!

Stacia

Your story sounds very familiar with mine. I too saw a positive pregnancy test asked for official documentaion of due date and how far along she was, she then said that she would provide us with that info then on the day that she had her appointment she would not give us anything. I feel your pain she was also a "friend" of my husbands and would call him everyday at work about 10 times would not leave him alone he wound up having an affair with her that lasted about 8 months!

She is psycho should would drive by my house and spy on me, she died her hair the same color as me I could go on and on but I won't. But I definately feel your suffering.

Hi,

Sorry to see you here, but we all feel your pain to some degree. I am not the best to give advice right now, but wanted to say to you that you are not alone and we care about you.

keep posting it helps to talk to others in your position.

JT

<small>[ June 03, 2004, 04:38 PM: Message edited by: JT2 ]</small>

Thank you all for offering your support. It really means a lot. I can to this forum looking for support and advice. What I've read has been pretty scary. But I really didn't expect anyone to have "The Answer". It's just nice to know that I am not alone here.

Yesterday was a really hard day, H went to dr. with xOW at my request, but it turned out that instead of going to a first prenatal visit, she took him to a free pregnancy testing clinic all the way on the other side of town in a very bad part of town. H is upset b/c xOW has told him she wants nothing more to do with him and that he is not allowed to have contact with OC. That she is going to tell the OC that her xH is the father. H doesn't feel that is right but would be willing to do that for the sake of our family.

I am torn on the issue, on the one hand it seems like a good solution, the OC will hopefully have a family and 2 other siblings from xOW and her xH, and I think the OC would be better off with that stability then being tossed from home to home. Not to mention the xOW would not tell the OC nice things about H or myself. xOW has already said she wants me to have nothing to do with the OC, that she does not care about me or what I think. Well she's already made that point by seducing my H. I firmly believe she set out to get pregnant, since H had always told her they could be nothing more than friends and that he would never leave me. I think she thought she could change that. Boy was she wrong! and now she is just trying to hurt H, and we are already going through so much pain. I'm not sure that H could just let a child of his go though, he said he would so that our family could heal, but what will it do to him in the long run? A part of me is glad for the pain it will cause him, but thinking like that won't help us heal.

So for now we are moving on with our lives, healing our family, and trying everyday to love each other. Although I am now in the anger stage of this and have not been kind to H, to his benefit he has taken it, has told me he understands and loves me and holds me. It helps, this is still so new though, only a week ago I was supposed to be celebrating my anniversary and instead I find out H had an A and OW is pregnant. The way the world works is funny.

We have yet to come to a final decision about C, we are going to wait for a few months, see what the OW pulls, since it's something new everyday and try our best to move on. If C is decided upon I have to be in a healthy state of mind b/c right now I can't even think about it w/o freaking a little, I know I'm selfish but I'd also like to think I'm thinking about my son and how he would deal with an off again on again intrusion. I don't think OW could be mature about this and now H is entertaining the idea of trying to get full custody, if we are able to heal. I'm not sure I could go through something like that.

Anyhow thanks for the support and Stacia I'm not exactly sure of the need for a lawyer for a legal separation and CS if H and I are staying together.

The need could arise to protect your marital assets and to ensure that your children are considered prior to child support being filed for the OC.
Many states do not consider the children of the marriage when figuring child support for an OC. Yet, they still can consider the marital home and marital assets in figuring the child support. They may not consider your income, but they can sure consider anything that has your H's name on it.

I only suggested it for your protection.

Stacia

Thanks for the quick reply Stacia. I pretty much figured that was the case. We don't have a lot as my H has been going through school and is now a starving pilot trying to get on with the commercial airlines. I make more than he does and we don't own a home yet. I have spoken with H about this and he agrees that if OW changes her mind about CS and C then we will take the necessary steps to protect me and our son first. We have also just discussed the possibility of H taking an active role in OC's life, I told him I would support him as I know the child is not at fault here, but he wants to wait and see since the OW poses a flight risk (she is from Argentina) and as it is now we don't know where she's living. This is unfair b/c not only did the OW choose knowingly to sleep with a married man while telling him she could not have children but now she has the power over how much the OC will be apart of our life. Thanks again for the support, it's sad that we all have to go through this but at least we are not alone.