KrisM's update site

Good idea girls to do separate threads. I get so confused about who is doing what.

Not much happening here. I'll just repeat some of my last update because didn't get any response. But not really much to respond to.

Anyway, OW had given H deadline of last Fri to make a decision. He had hinted he may move home while kids and I were away on long weekend. Therefore, I wasn't really worried. However, H and I talked Tues. and he had met with lawyer intending to talk D. When he got to lawyer's office he had second thoughts. Told lawyer whole story and discussed both D and dealing with OC. Lawyer told him if he had doubts about D then he should work on M - he found a smart lawyer. Anyway, that is pretty much all that was said about it. Worries me in a way that he went to lawyer, but yet he is having second thoughts.

I had emailed H later that night - basically said that I can see changes in him and that I believed that we could make it. I got a response today - said he had some of same thoughts. However, he doesn't think he can be the H I want, thinks I can do better. Said people at work are talking (H and OW work at same place - police officiers - work different shifts). Said everyone has known for awhile that he has had feelings for OW - said shouldn't deny it. This crap infuriates me. I make progress with him and others fill his head with **** (sorry). So many people tell him we could never handle OC issue - that our M would never survive.

I just tell him not to listen to these people and give into these doubts. Told him that God does not give us anything more than we can handle and that he has no right to doubt that. He is just so back and forth and I never know how to fight all these doubts. I know - not my job - God will do the fighting for me. I am just getting a little frustrated.

Sorry, I said I didn't have much to say and here I am rambling. Overall, not too concerned because I really see changes in H. If I could just get him to move home, I think we would be okay.

Talk to you all later.

Hey Kris,

Overall things sound good, whatever you are doing keep it up! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I have found that knowing when to talk & when to listen does wonders for healthy communication, I have a problem w/ that myself. I wish people would keep their comments to themselves, especially when they are worldly & negative. During the fog WS's don't need to hear this crap.

I am praying that your H will listen to what you are saying & more importantly hear God's voice & follow the steps that have been ordered for him.

I do appreciate the post you did for me yesterday, you are a strong, Godly woman who I am glad to call my friend also. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hey, I know all to well about people talking to H. His father said he didn't think I would be able to handle it either. Well I am. Why would I hand around for 9 mnths with this crap if I wasn't. FIL said I was going to take everything from him, ect. Told him if he wanted to get a D and still live together that was fine and we would split all of our crap and just live together. He didn't want to do that either. I spent thousands of dollars triing to end this M. I think God wants us to be together. Told him God brought us together, don't make me give u back to him !! LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> H and I have really been working on the M thing and I've seen a number of changes in him and me. It can happen if you want it to. Its hard work, lot to swallow, but still it has been worth it. But I also did the file for D thing and total withdrew myself from him. Told H didn't love him, told him I hated him. Even told him he was trash! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> (He loved that one) But he begged, he cried, he pleded, and knew I was lieing the whole time!! Cause I do love his little butt, and I didn't M trash. But we have tried to surround ourselves w/ friends that support us, and it has helped soooo much. Being around people who don't support you 100 % is not helpful. I hope things get better and so sorry you had to come here.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny

Okay girls, now H says that him not coming home has nothing to do with OW??? Done with OW, but may also be done with us. Must be enjoying his freedom.

Meanwhile, in the reality of home, my DD is continuing to throw mega tantrums over any little thing. I get frustrated and get angry, everything gets worse!! She is 5. Could someone please tell me is it the age or the stress of H's crap??? Anytime I raise my voice, the poor girl just cries because I am mad. I try to console her, she pushes away. It is becoming a constant battle. I am wondering why am I dealing with this all alone????

Today when I got home, H didn't stay long because kids were fighting - typical sibling stuff. He had planned on ordering pizza and sticking around awhile, but since kids were acting up he decides to enjoy his freedom and leave - to his new home. I am getting sick of this.

I am not so mad over the A. I have learned to accept and want to deal with it. I find myself getting mad over his need for "freedom" and when things get tough "I'll just run away" attitude. I am more angry with this present attitude then A. So sick of hearing I won't be able to handle OC. Sorry, but one, I think I can handle it, and two, I should have never had to handle it. So tired of the lame excuses for not fixing our family.

Last night went to H's softball game to support him. Barely talked to us - I think he was happy to see kids, but maybe not me. On the way home, DS says that he is tired of our broken family. God bless him!! I just told him I was tired of it too. Now how are these poor kids ever going to handle a D if their "father" decides he would rather have his freedom.

Its almost seems that if he can't share his life totally with OC, then why should BC have him full time. Just run away from us all. Yeah, that's the solution to the problem - run, run, run.

Sorry, I guess figthing DD's tantrum alone tonight has set me off. I am just tired!!!

Talk to you all later!

Sorry for your being alone dealing w/ the c. H should help you. Have you talked to him about it?Maybe suggesting him spend time w/ them. Even if he has to do it alone. Ok, if hes so into his "freedom" he needs to get the children so you can have alittle "freedom" time just to get yourself back together and work on you, if he doesn't want to work on M. You need to have him get the kids on such & such time for this long. Go get your hair done, fingernails, go to dinner w/ a friend. Sounds like you may need this for yourself.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny

I am so sorry he is leaving you alone like that when you need his support. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Hug}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

KrisM~

(((((HUG))))). I feel for you--my son is being okay with all this but he is 2 1/2 but I will tell you that I would never wish to be a single mom. I hate taking car eof son w/o H being around to help a little. I can't even going tanning after son is in bed because someone has to stay with him--just little things like that suck. I feel for you--just keep being supportive of H and not Lbing--Hang in there--you are doing well.

My H isn't home and it has nothing to do directly with OW--they have no contact but indirectly I think it has to do with OW/OC--too much to face easier to run away. Men are bad about not facing things head on.

You are in my thoughts.

Kris,

I am sorry to hear that H is not helping you with HIS KIDS! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Does he ever come & get them & take them to visit at his apt? I think a lot of times men get comfortable with coming over to look at the kids & sit in the house w/ you instead of taking them somewhere, it would give you sometime to yourself too.

I know you are tired, hang in there sweetie.

Thanks girls for responses. I have calmed down a bit since that night. I just get so frustrated because I see how this is effecting kids, and I know H realizes it too, but yet he is not home. I wouldn't have any second thoughts - if there was a possibility that M could be saved and it is what is best for kids - there would be no question, I would be home in a heartbeat. I don't know how H can do this to them.

I have asked H if he has noticed tantrums. D is always happy around him. Its when he is gone that she has them. That's why I am beginning to think it is her way of telling me she is not happy that Dad is gone. I don't know what else to do other than hog tie H and bring him home against his will. Like that would work. Works for me and kids, but not for H.

Got to go. Talk to you later.

get your daughter some help!

She sounds like she is behaving the way OW describes OC behavior----OW solution? spend LESS time w/ dad! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I think you are right in assuming she is acting out to try & let you know how unhappy she is w/ all of this. I think she acts fine w/ dad because her time is so limited w/ him (my own kids do the same thing w/ dad & he lives w/ us) but she is letting you know how she is truly hurting & I think she is more comfortable revealing it to you because she is more secure w/ you right now, knows you are not going to desert her.

get her help now, it will only get worse!

When H returns to live in the home, he will really have to work to also restore his relationship w/ her so that she will feel secure again!

Thanks kt! I totally agree. We all need help with this. H can get us free counseling through work, but hasn't checked into it. I think I need to find a friendly co worker to talk to to get the info.

I ended my last post a little abruptly because H was lurking over my shoulder. Not that he hasn't heard it all before, but I think it bothers him that I confide in all of you. Who cares? I need you all!!

Went to H's baseball game yesterday. I think he was glad we came. Never can tell. Went to his apartment after for pizza. He started talking again. It never fails that we get into these conversations at his apartment - seems more comfortable there - too comfortable. Anyway, he now says that he doesn't doubt that I can handle OC - it is him who can't handle it. The more I listened, I think the problem is that he is afraid to face my family and friends. They all know about A, but not OC. Easier to hide than face your mistakes.

H also said OW called and wanted him to come to a family function with her!! Can you believe her nerve. Does she not understand the word MARRIED. H said he told her he would not go. Maybe we are making progress. Sometimes I think I need to call that girl and explain that H is off limits and she needs to find her own, or at least move on to next victim. Every time I think I am getting past all this anger, something makes it emerge again.

Despite how post may sound - I am really doing good. I get more upset over what this is doing to kids right now than anything.

H has taken some vacation time this week. He may be keeping kids all night at apartment. I hate being away from them, but maybe he will see first hand what kids are going through. I don't know - they always seem to have fun at Dad's.

Got to go again. Will be back later tonight.

KRIS,

I FEEL YOUR PAIN AS MY H IS STILL OUT OF THE HOUSE AS WELL. I ONLY HOPE THAT HE SEES WHAT DAMAGE IT IS DOING TO YOUR KIDS BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE. THEY DON'T NOTICE THOSE TYPES OF THINGS BECAUSE MOMMY IS THE ONE WH KNOWS THEIR BEHAVIOR IN AND OUT.

MY H IS GETTING A JIST OF WHAT MY TODDLERS FEEL, BECAUSE NOW MY SON WILL ASK HIM IF HE'S GOING HOME, AND WHERE IS HIS HOUSE. HE'LL TELL HIM THIS ISMOMMY'S HOUSE.

H GETS ANGRY BUT WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU ARE NOT IN THE HOUSE? THEY NOTICE EVERYTHING.

KEEP PRAYING AS I AM FOR YOU!

JT

JT - Isn't it great how kids can be so honest and open with their feelings. I think we can all learn something from them. They want to know something - they just ask.

My son is real good at asking H some tough questions. You would think it would open his eyes a little. Sad thing is, I think H does realize what this is doing to the kids, but yet he chooses to run and hide. At this point, I think that is all it is - pride. He doesn't want to have to admit to everyone that he made some major mistakes. Rather than work hard to fix them, run and hide. Believe me, I have explained to my kids that running away is not the answer. They know that I feel that what Dad is doing is wrong. But I also tell them that we have to be patient and continue to show Dad that we all love him and want him home. I am just so afraid of the lessons H may be teaching the kids.

As hard as it might be for H to face everyone, I know it would be better for the kids if he came home and dealt with this mess. H thinks we would be better off without him. I will never understand how he can put himself above the kids - his needs, wants, desires - all come first. I am trying to reach out to him and encourage him to do what is right. I just never know if I am helping or pushing him further away.

I am kind of in a down mood at the moment. H took kids with him to apt for the night. I think it will do them all some good. However, when I am away from all of them, I just feel real empty inside. Then I get to thinking that this is the life we may be living if H decides on D. The devil is working overtime in my mind tonight. He knows that the kids are my weakness, and it never fails I have these horrible thoughts when they are gone. Doubtful thoughts of the future. God help me through this night.

Anyway, I am going for the moment. Talk to you all soon. I got to keep myself busy - maybe I'll go for a walk.

Hey Kris,

I hope your nite went well. I think too that is it just easier for your H to run & hide from all this, but how long can he do that? It must be classic fog, since they all in some ways have the same actions & thoughts. The nerve of OW to ask him to go anywhere w/ her, of course since he is not living w/ you she figures she has a chance. Will they ever figure out that having a baby does not guarantee you will be with the father & he will love you? Some of these OW's are so dumb.

I hope you did something fun last nite & that you got your mind off all those neg. thoughts from the enemy.

Our God is able, & he can do anything but fail!!!

KrisM

Hope your evening got better. I always want alone time but then when I have it I don't know how to act because such a large part of my life is missing.

Hang tough and keep working on PA and/or 180's. I think you H will eventually come around.

Thanks BG and Albany. Last night was not too bad. I went for a long walk - more than one actually. I guess I just couldn't stay in the quiet house alone, and I can always use the extra exercise. Of course I had a big bowl of ice cream too. Heals all bad moods!

H noticed I was down. Of course his response is that he has caused me so much pain that he just doesn't know how he could come home. Run and hide is the theme of my story at the moment. I am honestly more mad about this than OW/OC issue. His total lack of regard for kids and me and his "poor me how can I face anyone again" attitude is really starting to push me over the limit. He emailed me late last night, but I didn't see it until tonight. He said that DS made some comment about wanting the family back together. Then he went into his speech about not being able to come home because of all the pain he has caused, how I will never trust him again, blah, blah, blah. Same old line - nothing changing.

Now tell me, how can you not want to come home when your child is asking you to, when you have a wife who is willing to try to fix the mess you have made and stand by you all the way, when you are being offered nothing but love and forgiveness????? I can't figure it out.

I keep trying to be positive and supportive with H. I just am so tired of this song and dance. I am ready for some positive change. I made some comment to H about knowing he can change. He asked if I was willing to wait forever. Sounds like it will be a long road ahead.

I emailed H back and probably did some LBing. Basically told him to get over himself and start making decisions for the good of the family. Told him to quit trying to assume how I feel and how I will react when he comes home (not trusting). Told him I am doing everything I can do and that I have no trouble looking at myself in the mirror. Told him I would only wait as long as God gave me the strength, but definitely not forever. Told him I deserve better, but not from someone else, from him. Theres more, but I can't remember it all. Hope I didn't over do it, but at this point I don't have much to loose.

I think I need to start figuring things out for kids and I in case H doesn't wake up. I can't believe he would totally destroy life as we know it just because he can't face his mistakes. I guess he thinks we will be happier. Like the kids will be happy having to move, change schools, loose friends, etc. No problem, as long as H is happy right???

Sorry so long, just a little frustrated tonight.

Talk to you all later.

Kris,

I understand your frustration completely, I think they are all from Mars too, but in response to what H is saying to you all I can say is COP OUT, COP OUT, COP OUT!

How can you look YOUR child in the face & tell them you can't come home cuz -what??? I love you, but I am not man enough to face head on the mistakes I have made, don't have the time, energy or inclination to roll up my sleeves & do some hard work on myself & my M, not just for my your mothers sake but for the sake of our family????

That is what I don't understand, maybe it is just a mother's instinct to protect her children at all costs, sacraficing her needs, wants, & desires to make sure her children are loved, cared for & protected?????

Most men just seem to be all about theirselves, looking out for #1 & that is it. They just don't seem to get that the decisions they make for themselves have major consequences that affect many other people. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Try to hang in there Kris, maybe you might want to think about Plan B, him saying he can't come home now & all the other crap, is fine cuz he is in control of this right now, I have a feeling that if you did PB it would force him to make a choice once & for all as to what it is he wants to do. In some respects he is still enjoying the benefits of M even though he is not at home, if he loses those priviledges it may make him wake up. Just a thought.

Take care.

Kris, maybe he will wake up. Kids have a way of helping us put things in order. If we looked at things like they do, we would get over the anger and hurt so much easier. Children don't know how to hate yet, so forgiving is so much easier. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Your chldren hate their dad leaving and coming. My D just cried and she would say, "mom do you love dad?" I'd tell her yes. "Well I know dad loves you, he tells me to tell you all the time" "So if you love him and he loves you, why cant you be nice to each other. I'm gunna make ya'll kiss and make up. Or you can get in the corner." And I had to leave the room and cry. So they just don't get it. All the adult stuff is too much for them. God, family and Love should be all that matters .
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Ever had one of those feelings where something is wrong and you just can't figure out what it is? I have just had that feeling in the pit of my stomach all week. H has taken time off - does this time every year. I don't know - just think he is up to something. He has spent some time with kids, but today when he could have picked them up from sitters, he called and said he couldn't. Just can't shake the feeling that he has made some sort of decision and is not telling me. Just doesn't feel right.

Saturday is H's BD. I just have this feeling that maybe he has talked to lawyer again - maybe filing. Maybe just my overactive imagination. Who knows? Maybe he is giving himself his freedom for his BD. I guess I will find out shortly.

Kids and I got haircuts tonight. The lady who cuts my hair is going through some changes in life. She may be loosing her day job and has decided to possibly open her own shop. Her sister was there and kept saying that God has a plan - she will know when time is right to make move. The right shop will come along, etc. We were talking about how all things happen for a reason. She looked at me and said that when God closes one door, he opens another. She was talking about herself of course, she has no clue about my situation. It just kind of felt like the message was for me.

I don't know - just can't shake this feeling. Maybe just a bad week.