Kris, just read your post about H email. oh puuuuhlease! is right.

My H went through the same 'poor me' stage. It's a line if I ever heard one. You know how you know? Because it still reeks of SELFISHNESS!!!!!!!

I just laugh if I ever hear crap like that again!

It makes it all about THEM again, totally! WAKE UP! idiot, there is more to this life than just YOU! The non-selfish thing to do is to stand up and correct your mistakes!

It is vain and down right sinful to act & say something like that, that you have done something soooo wrong that it can never be corrected. Because basically you are saying that GOD cannot restore, forgive & heal something! That's what makes it sinful!

I think you responded perfectly, @ least that's how I have in the past. It's their fear and unwillingness to think of someone besides themselves & their own selfish comfort!

H tried to pull that same crap before we were ever married, when we found out I was pg! Oh yah! idiot. All in love w/ me, we had a date set for our wedding, the next week I am positively pg & suddenly he has irrepairably ruined my life & thinks I will be better off w/o him? W!T!HECK!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I don't think so! He wasn't getting off that EASY. hahahahah! lol I can laugh about it now but sheesh!

Then try to pull that same 'poor me' crap after A. Lets think about this logically. I can handle (& I think you can too) H ruining MY life but I will not stand by and watch him ruin our kids life too!!!!! And neither should you!

It's ok to stick up for yourself & your kids. YOU have too, no one else will! You keep that marriage together, do what you need to do.

There are enough broken homes, single moms & fatherless children out there, don't you dare allow that man to make your kids another statistic!

Hang tuff girl & do what you gotta do! It's not about him anymore & it's not about you, it's way bigger than that!

Take care & stay focused on the task @ hand.

Keep cheering him on @ the field & we'll keep cheering you on here! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Kris,

How are you? Are you okay? Just wanted todrop you a line before I went on my weekend trip. when it is time for you to know what to do you will do it. I told BBYG the other day that God has you destiny already written so he knows what you will do right now. So just jkeep the faith and let god led you. Just know that you are not alone and we do care for you and what happens in your life.

We have all become part of a family now and you have unconditional support here so use whenever needed! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />


JT

kt - Thanks for the great advice and support. God has truly blessed you with a special gift and I am glad you share it with us. You always seem to say the right thing at the right time. Anyway, it is just what I needed to get back on track. I felt really hopeless this week - not sure why - maybe just hormones. Now I am ready to fight some more. Thanks again.

JT - Hope you have a great weekend. Thanks for checking up on me.

Talked to H tonight - I think my suspicions were getting the best of me. I think he has been behaving himself. Never can tell though.

We are going to do something tomorrow for his BD. Hopefully some fun family time, and if I'm lucky, some alone time.

Hope everyone has a great weekend. Talk to you Monday.

Hi, I'm new so I'll give you the brief history. Been married 3 yrs. We had one d together and 3 step-children when a miscarriage hit us hard. He cheated with a girl at work who had miss too and "just wanted to be there for him". We were separated for 6 wks. I got pregnant again quickly after his return, then found out OW was also pregnant. H loved and supported me ever since, never contacting her. OW has harrassed us ever since, threatening me and our children. OC is 8mos old, don't know what's best for baby and us. No contact and just pay child support, excercise visitation, or just go for custody. Harrassment intolerable.Anyone with advice is much appreciated.

KrisM

You are sooo strong, while H was gone all I did was cry. I think men can't stand failure, but he is dragging his feet, but what choice do you have? Give up on your family? If he didn't love you, he would have just moved on. Keep your faith and don't let him forget that you are still his family. Maybe trying to involve him in family decision making or requesting he do a job in the house that was something he would have done BEFORE.My H likes to build things, he built our wooden fence when I asked him to come fix the gate again, he complained, but grinned the whole time. He later told me it made him feel like an H again and made him miss me terribly.

crys - Thanks for the post. I don't really know how strong I am, but any strength I have at this point comes from God. I have not always been so strong. Two days before Christmas, my H moved out of house to live w/ OW - talk about blue Christmas. It was really hard holding it together for the kids. I found myself in the bathroom, door locked, crying my eyes out alot. H was in and out of our H for a few months - everytime he left it just killed me because he was leaving to be with her. In Feb., he claims he had decided to move home to work on M when OW announced she was pregnant. I was so happy that H was moving home that I felt I could handle OC. This was a rough week. In two days time I found out H not only slept with OW now, but 4 years ago, on top of finding out she was pregnant. Looking back now I am not sure how I didn't have a total breakdown. One week later, H moved out to an apt claiming to want to "clear his head so he can move home for the right reasons". Since then he has been caught in lies and A was renewed. I called OW to confront her and she said it was done - never believe OW. After so many lies, I felt I was done too. However, I have my 2 kids to think of and decided to work on M. Since then, H and I have made strides in improving relationship, but he has yet to move home. Full of lame excuses about how I can't handle OW/OC, how I will never trust him, how he is afraid it will happen again - all with no real effort to try. That is all I really want - is a chance to see if we can make it. However, OW is still lurking around to confuse things.

At one point for about 3 weeks, I hit rock bottom. I was so full of angry and hate for H and OW. I didn't like ther person I had become and decided I wasn't going to let this thing destroy who I was. At that point, I turned this all over to God. I have waivered back and forth, but for the most part since that point in time, this whole thing has been much easier. I am not so angry about everything. I have admitted my fault in the problems with our marriage and have worked very hard to show H I am willing to work to change. H on the other hand still cannot get past his selfish needs and desires. Basically, he is now enjoying his freedom and to heck with his family. I am so frustrated with him, but yet I am determined to do what I can to be supportive and a better wife to him. My hope is one day soon, he will come out of the fog and see what he is throwing away. Hopefully before it is too late.

I don't really know what to tell you about OW/OC situation, as H's OC is not due until Sept. These are issues I haven't really had to deal with. Hard to deal with when I don't know if H will be home at that time. At first I was really confident that I would be okay with having OC in our family - H wants to be involved. However, the more I read and the closer to due date we get, it really scares me that I will not be able to handle it. My biggest concern is what it will do to my kids. It is not fair to ask these two little ones to bare this burden. One way or another, they will I suppose. I know in my heart, it would be best for them to have their father home with them. But what will this OC do to them emotionally. I fear what the long term effects of this whole thing will be on them. I guess my advice is to do what both you and your H can handle. If one of you do not want C, then I think C will do nothing but harm your M. You need to post your own thread so you get more response. You might get lost here if you don't. There are so many people here who are already dealing w/ C issue that can give you a better idea of what you should do. I hoped I helped a little.

Sorry so long, I guess I just needed to talk. Thanks for listening. Keep posting so we can all help you out.

Hey everyone - Hope you all had a good weekend.

I think I have just about had it with H. Its one thing to continually hurt me, but when it is effecting my kids - watch out.

Sat. was H birthday. We took him out to dinner and then went back to his apartment for cake and presents. Overall, not a bad evening. Kids had fun, but my heart just wasn't in it. I hate spending time at his apartment - his "hideout" - as we now call it. I guess H is tired of me telling him he is running and hiding from everything. Anyway, the apartment is just a reminder that things are not right and they won't be for along time (if ever). After we were home, I was putting DD to bed and she says, "our family use to be 4, now there are only 3." "Three at our house, and 1 in apartment." Then she asks when daddy will be home. I just want to cry when these comments are made. This whole thing is hurting that child so much.

Then today, H calls and asks if I will bring kids to apt for the night. At first kids said okay. I no more got off the phone w/ H and DD starts to cry. She doesn't want to go because I will not be there to give her a hug and kiss. She wants her family all together at home. She is just crying her eyes out. I am reaching my breaking point with H. I call and cancel w/ H and tell him why. Told him DD wants him to come home for sleepover. He says he will be here in morning to watch kids while I go to work. How can he refuse his little girl? How can he live with himself knowing what this crap is doing to the kids? I am quickly losing all respect and feelings for H because of this.

Then DS is mad because he wants to go to apartment. He blames his sister. So I say it is not his sister's fault that dad is not living at home. DS backs off of DD, and says that is true. Says that Dad left home to think, but has bought new things and taken things from family. He says he wonders if he will ever come back home. Now tell me why H can't see what he is doing? I am telling you I am about ready to give him a ultimatum to come home or just file. This whole thing is tearing my kids up and I think it is time that he comes home or gives us some closure. I am sick of the hurt he is causing my kids. I am willing to do anything to make things right for them, including staying married to a man who may not love me anymore. I would continue to face the pain and hurt for them. Unfortunately, I think I managed to marry one of the most selfish men on this planet - fog or no fog. I am just sick and tired of it all.

Kris,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Unfortunately, I think I managed to marry one of the most selfish men on this planet - fog or no fog. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry Kris I think that honor belongs to me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />
Seriously though I am so sorry that your H is only thinking of himself & not thinking about the pain & damaage he is causing his kids. It is bad enough that you have to endure this, why should they be subjected to this as well especially when they don't understand any of it????

Keep praying Kris, I know you are, H is really lost right now & it is more than fog, I think he is so self absorbed right now in the mess that HE created he is not thinking of what is best for anyone, it is easier to tell you what he thinks YOU can't handle than really figure out what HE can handle, not sure how much guilt & shame play a part in all this but He is a grown man & needs to take ownership for his actions & make amends to those he has hurt especially his children who are too young to know how to cope in this situation.

As I said before maybe you should think about getting your legal affairs in order & PB, I know that will most likely be very upsetting to your DD but the current situation is as well. I am sure others who have small children will give you better advice, this is just my 2 cents, I know you are hurting so much for yourself & your kids & it is all so unfair, but you have to start thinking of yourself & your kids first & just keep praying that God will touch H's heart & mind.

Just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you. Hoping to hear an update from you soon.

Not much to update. Same ole, same ole.

Kids did spend night with H last night. Another quiet night - more walking (and ice cream)!!! DD did okay. She did ask to call me at work today, but I wasn't able to talk long because I was busy. I am glad they had a good time. They need to spend quality time with their dad.

I am still feeling a little down. I just can't shake it. I am really not caring at the moment about too much of anything. Too much riding the roller coaster I guess. I wish I could take a break from this for a while. I am really losing my desire to keep trying. Don't know why - just tired. I need to get away for awhile - escape to my own hideout maybe. Anyone need a weekend guest?? I would never survive - I would miss the kids in about 2 minutes.

Just rambling - nothing really to say.

Oh, H says he read my last few posts. We were interrupted by kids, so I am not so sure what he thought. I am sure he found some other excuse that he has "hurt me too much" or something else to use against me, so he just won't be able to come home. Whatever!! Ask me if I care anymore!

Talk to you later

Let me reply to my own post.

Yes I do care. That is my problem. I care too darn much about my H, my kids, my M to just let go. I care too much about my beliefs to quit. I am just too tired to do anything more right now.

<small>[ June 15, 2004, 09:50 PM: Message edited by: KrisM ]</small>

KrisM

I hear you--I have been at that same point so many times and I just have days where I don't think I can go on because I'm so worn out etc, but as you I care too much to just quit and walk away so here I am still caring and trying.

Tomorrow is a new day and it holds a fresh start. Rest up and think positive thoughts--try and until you make it happen--I think that if you put faith into it working it will.

Hope you are having a better day today. Look forward to an update.

Hey Girls, How are you all doing? I feel left out because no body posts at night anymore - the weather must be getting nice.

Not much going on here w/ H. Not even talking too much w/ him at the moment.

I feel I am at a real crossroad right now. Not sure what way to go. This stuff with the kids - particularly DD - is really wearing on me. We had more tantrums last night at bedtime. To get her to go to bed last night, I had to sit with her in bed with her in between my legs. My legs and arms were wrapped around her and I just kept hugging her and telling her that I loved her. She finally stopped fighting me and crawled up on my lap, put her head on my shoulder, and fell asleep. I just held her for the longest time praying God would give this child some peace.

Earlier in the evening, we were reading books. I recited a line from one of my favorites to DD (Love you forever). It goes, "Love you forever, like you for always, as long as I'm living, your mother I'll be" (or something close). DD says that we will always be together - me, DD, DS, dog, but she doesn't mention H. I think my kids are even starting to lose hope.

You know I was thinking, I would never, ever let a stranger hurt my kids the way H has hurt them. How can I let him do it? They should be able to rely on him, and yet he has left. Just makes me question alot of things. Would us getting back together really be best? But yet I know us being back together is what the kids want most. Who knows what is right or wrong anymore? All I know is my kids are hurting, and my instinct as their mom is to protect them, even from their dad. I am just not sure what is the best way to do that. Keep fighting or end it all.

This is really making me wonder if kids can handle C w/ OC. They are hurting so much already, how can we ask them to bare the burden of another of H's mistakes. They have suffered enough. Why should any of us? Reading what kt is going through right now, I really am beginning to agree that NC is best. H would never go for it though - not that we can even discuss it. If he were to come home, I know he would want C - because it is what he wants. I wish he would begin making some decisions based on what is best for our BC. He won't, so I think I am going to have to begin making some tough choices.

Keep praying for me please. I really am at a loss right now about what is right and wrong. What God would want me to do?

I have been reading an interesting post on GQ board. The title is "Stupid Fog..." by lordslady. She is struggling with many of the same issues I am. I was hoping to find some answers somewhere, but I haven't yet.

Talk to you all later.

Hey Kris,

I'm here!

Honey I feel for you I really do, but I don't know what to tell you as far as what you should do now, especially since I have no little ones to deal with during this, which is a blessing I know.

Keep praying Kris, have faith that God will heal your M. I feel so bad for your baby girl, none of you should be enduring this & I hope & pray H will come home & be the father he should to his kids.

Here is a prayer of HOPE for you -

Lord, when all around me looks dark, remind me the bridge of hope will carry me over the present troubles, into the future You have promised. Amen.

BG, Thats my problem right now - I just don't feel any hope. I really don't know what has happened to make me feel this way all of a sudden. I don't know if its the kids or if its trying so hard w/ H and getting nothing in return. I don't know what to feel anymore. Sometimes I just feel that there has to be something better out there. But then I feel so selfish for feeling that way. I know the source of these feelings - they are from the one who does not want me to fight anymore. It just seems so easy right now to just give in and give up. I don't want to feel this way. I don't know how to stop feeling this way. I really want what is best for all of us, and that is that we stay together. And I know I shouldn't be impatient, but yet I just feel overwhelmingly tired of all of this. I want to feel happy and loved and wanted and needed. All I feel right now is all used up with nothing more to give. I guess in MB terminology - the love bank is empty - and H doesn't seem too willing to help fill it up right now. Not sure I can live life not feeling that kind of love again. Not sure H will ever be willing to give me what I need or what the kids need. Just tired and empty right now.

Talk to you later.

Kris,

It is part of that darned roller coaster we are all on, the ups & downs are so draining. Yes the enemy hates M & he wants you to give up, but you have so much at stake Kris, it is about you & your kids so don't get weary in well doing. This is extremely hard I know, I think I have told you this before but I can't count how many times I have wanted to give up - even told H that, yet here I am. I my case it may just be stupidity, but you have a family to fight for, I know you feel like you have nothing left, but that is when God will show himself strong in you & work thru you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I will say an extra prayer for you tonite, hope you have a good nite & your kids too.

Love ya,

BG - I don't know how you have done this for so long. I guess that is part of my fear too. I will invest so much time and energy in all this and end up where I am right now. Alone with two kids that are still hurting. I don't know if it is fair to ask them to go through this too long. I will keep praying that God will show me what to do. I always fear that he is showing me and I am missing it. How do you know what is a message from God or just more temptation to give up????

Sorry, I feel that sometimes I am just letting everyone down. I really want to do what is right, but I fear that I am just screwing things up more. I don't even know if I am making sense.

I got to go. DD is starting in on tantrum time. Tonight we don't want to take a bath. Will this ever end?

Talk to you more later. If I don't get back to you, have a great day tomorrow and a even better weekend. Thanks for talking tonight. I really needed a friend.

Hang in there. I hope things get better for you soon.

I am just sitting here thinking and typing away because that seems to help. But I think I have come to the conclusion that I am putting way too much pressure on myself to fix this mess. I am not sure I can count on anyone else to step up to the plate to help. But this is my problem - I am expecting to fix this all by myself. No wonder I am stressed out. Okay, back to square one. I need to breath and pray and turn this back over to God. I need to get all these nasty thoughts out of my mind and let God deal with it all. Easier said then done - not really - just having a hard time giving up that control. Aren't we all?? We just expect too much from ourselves. God can do this, he is much more powerful than me. If he can raise the dead, he can surely save my M. I have got to fight those doubts - because when I doubt myself, I am really doubting God's ability to save my M. Who am I to doubt God? Okay girls, I am heading to bed to say my prayers and I hope to wake up with a more positive attitude. One day at a time, right?

KrisM, what is it about police officers who have affairs with people they work with??? my husband is living in a dream world thinking that she isnt going to go after cs and thinks he can handle it without doing that. i have drawn the line in the sand, if i find out that he has given her any sick time or financial support before paternity is proven, it is over end of discussion. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> mine is confused saying his whole life has been a lie, he is tired of living 2 separate worlds, lying and hurting people. this is hard to take knowing that he married to do the responsible thing... not because he loved me... he claims he still loves me and wants to do the right thing... how do you get to the point of even remotely trusting him? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> he made plans to move out at one point and told her that he loved her.