Hi Albany,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Not receiving love is very hard. I too am waiting till baby is born to make my decision. I do not even know the due date. Hope to find out soon. I think it is July or August. Be strong. I know this is extremely hard.

I have to disagree a little bit. A man that is lovey dovey one moment and then wants a D the next moment is sitting on the fence. He's not living with albany. He gets to have the privileges of bachelorhood as well as those of a M man. That's cake eating. He's not said he wants to continue to be M and commit to the restoration/recovery.

He has made some good strides, but he's not there yet.

~ad

Had a great evening--got a lot done outside. I went and vistied my parents--they putting up their hay right now. H stopped by after he got off work and we hung out for an hour or so.

We left--I went home--he went to his apt. and then called after showering while doing his laundry and we talked about what he was going to do today at our house before he goes to work tonight.

He has to fix our water softner--it is plugged up and hang an outside blind off our pation for shade.

He actually told me good night last night and it sounded very sincere. I know that may sound like not much but he hasn't said anything like that for months and I think that it is a small step in the right direction. I was really nice--he was just so kind about it that I can't believe it. He actually seems to be getting some motivation back--he was real dull and non-motivated to do anything but go to work. HE already takes Lexapro-an AD--but they up his dosage and it seems to be helping and the weather change I think has helped.

I don't know much else but I have plenty to keep me busy this weekend. I'm feeling more positive these days about us.

I think I will do a picture of H and son int he picture frame.

I agree %100 w/ ad.

There are no negative (or any, I think) consequences for his actions sooooooo, why should he change the status quo?

He has the best of both worlds.

And imagine ALL this $$$$$ that has been wasted paying for 2 households that could have been spent on some decent marriage counseling & also imagine how far you 2 would be into recovery by now if you had.

I am not the best one to say anything at this point but I will add my two cents in albany. I think H is strattling the fence. I know that it could probably be better if you two were in MC.

Kt & AD are on to something albany so pray about the situation and go from there, but enjoy yourself in the process.

jt

I agree with you guys to a point but he has been making some progress recently. He hangs out way more and is motivated to do things around the house which when things got better before and he came back. I know what everyone is saying but I have seen baby steps and I'm tyring to allow him to take them.

GOOD FOR YOU !! Baby steps are good and I'm proud of you. And praying for you. He's making plans for your (you and him) future. He has disappointed himself too it seems and he is healing too. Let him know you are there and you want him there. Good luck and keep taking the babies steps. You know they (babies) end up running soon after ! LOL
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Where to begin?

Good weekend. H came over Sat. morning at 9 and stayed all day until he went to work Sat. night. H showed up yesterday at about 11:30--he said it was too hot to sleep. We made lunch--BBQ and then we cleaned all of our cars and worked outside--great time. We had my parents over for dinner last night and that went well. I gave H his Father's Day present--picture of him and son in a great frame--he seemed to like it. He seemed to have a good time.

He left after my parents went home. I gave him a kiss when he was laying on the bed before he left and he seemed offfended. I asked if that upset him and he said kinda. Later he just said that he was tired. When we hung out yesterday he talked about us buying a camper for our truck so we could take it snowmobiling etc. notice I said "US".

I'm upset about him being strange about the kiss because he was the one that hung out all weekend and I was really liking how thigs went but I'm unsure now. But I keep reminding myself that last Nov. when he came back around--it was baby steps and he hung out and always went back to his apt. at night at first and it was more of a friends thing at first and he made all the steps not me--that doesn't seem to work when I make the steps.

I know some will say he is fence sitting but I do see positive changes and I know you can rush someone else.

He is working overtime tonight and has an appt. with his physcologist to check his lexapro levels and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I will let you all know more as I know more.

Hi Albany,
I am so sorry. I know how rejection hurts. I hope it gets better soon.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm upset about him being strange about the kiss because he was the one that hung out all weekend and I was really liking how thigs went but I'm unsure now. But I keep reminding myself that last Nov. when he came back around--it was baby steps and he hung out and always went back to his apt. at night at first and it was more of a friends thing at first and he made all the steps not me--that doesn't seem to work when I make the steps.

I know some will say he is fence sitting but I do see positive changes and I know you can rush someone else.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not me--you know where I stand on the fence sitting issue--not going to beat a dead horse.

What I do want to comment on is what you said that I put in bold, because you seem to realize certain things, yet you don't follow your own advice. albany, he is making some steps... Let him KEEP making them. Let him chase you , remember? Let him be the one to kiss you . Plan A him, but DO NOT make any overatures whatsoever until he makes some toward you...and even then I suggest being very conservative. That is until he says, "albany, I'm coming home, ready to commit to our M and the recovery of it". Until he says and DOES that--that is one dead horse I will continue to beat...sorry.

Glad to hear you had a good weekend. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

~ad

Thanks AD--you are right it is just that need to be needed that makes me do that and you are once again completely right about PA without overatures and I was thinking that this morning that I'm being to easy and I could still take positive steps by PA and not give him a hug or say I love you or even tell him to have a goodnight because it would probably keep him wondering more and allow him to chase because then there would be something to chase--a challenge so to speak. You Reminded me of that as you have many times before and so I made a vow this morning to not say I love you etc and not really inquire about him and how he is doing--he needs to chase me but I have to allow a chase to happen--I was not!

Sorry for the rambling and run-on sentences.

Thanks again AD--I will make it not so easy for him--he has made the comment that I'm too easy the sure thing that is always there supporting him and encouraging him--that I'm not really a challenge--he didn't say that exactly but that is what he was saying in general terms.

Thanks again AD--I will allow myself to be pursued--it is really hard for me--I always try to reassure him of my love and it doesn't get me where I want it to.

You have come a long way albany, and you are doing really well. Don't be so hard on yourself...just leave that to me!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Seriously albany, I know this Plan A stuff must be really difficult, especially when you are giving and giving and receiving nothing in return. That's why I always remind you to keep the goal in mind. If it's reached, this will all have been worth it. Plan A is not for the "weak stomached" or the "faint hearted". It sucks that the BS has to do all the work, it really does.

Remember also what I've said before, Plan A is not meant to be a long term lifestyle. Once your H commits to the M, he will have a lot of work to do in his new role of a FWH who wants to have a recovered M. He needs to get to that place first.

Stick to a flawless as possible Plan A, and please, please keep Plan B on the back burner. Honestly albany, with where your H is "at", I really think you would have a very short Plan B, if done correctly. In your case I truly believe you don't have much to fear with Plan B, and that you'd be genuinely surprised at the positive outcome. He is prime for it.

In the mean time...do something good for you today--actually--every day!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks again AD.

I guess I should know he wants to be with me or he would get a D and he wouldn't come over all the time. But, I want to to be wanted in other ways to--But we have taken some baby steps and they are in the right direction.

Okay, I will let you harp on me but thanks for reminding me of PA--I will focus on it and on some of the 180's--no calling etc.

Interesting tidbit--H had been smoking again and he knows I hate it. When we were in college he use to smoke swister swwets when we went to the bar or a party. I went to the little store near our house to pick up micro-brew and asked if he wanted anything and he said to pick him up some swister sweets and I said why swisters. He replied that I don't like him to smoke cigs and I said true. I then said I will bring them back after I go take care of my horse and he said no bring them back first and I said why and he said I don't want to smoke them in front of your parents.

Why does that matter if he is done??

Cuz he ain't!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

And what in the world are swister sweets? I'm guessing they are to run of the mill cigarettes what micro-brews are to Miller?

They are like a cross between cigs and cigar--Balck Butte Porter beer to be exact but sometimes only us in the NW even know about micro-brews--just had to flick you a little bit of crap!

Ahhhhh--but there you'd be wrong. We know a thing or two about micros in these here parts too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Well, I'm glad someone else does! Not many do--how was the weather for you weekend?

Absolutely glorious, the kind we long for all winter...Back to an all day soaker today!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Was driving H to airport and I said, well at least it was gorgeous for the weekend and if it has to rain, a Monday is probably the best day for it. Only prob here, is it's been raining TOO MANY days since spring! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Well, normally in western Oregon we have the same issue--rain and more rain until after the 4th of July. This, however has been a super nice spring and fairly good summer so far. My H went to see pyscologist today--wonder if he will call or stop by on his way to work OT tonight? I wonder what they tlaked about or what he told her and how honest he was??? Actually, screw it I don't want to know--I will make sure not to ask--I think I will ignore H a bit. He called earlier to tell me about this camper that WE should look at buying--wonder if he was caring around a turd in his pocket.

You're crackin' me up today! Good attitude--I like!!

Hopefully he was honest w/ the psych., but you're right--that's his deal. One more thing you cannot control. I do hope he's straighted away with the proper ADs and will take them. I believe he needs to.

At the gym today I thought of you and H. Thinking about what you said regarding him trying to chase you. I think he, like many men, see it as an ego thing. You seem so self-sufficient, that his short comings may seem all the more apparent with all the poor choices and bad things he's done. Don't SAY that you need him, but SHOW that you need him. Let him know, feel, and see, (by your actions), he is needed, valued, and wanted.