H and I talked a few months ago about his two A's and how both women were losers and money grubbers and he said I was the sure safe thing that was too self-sufficient-he was attracted to the damsel in distress. He said he know I will always take care of stuff--very responsible.

He just called and said he was on his way back from neighboring town where appt. was and that she renewed his RX and I didn't ask anything. He asked what was wrong with me--said I sounded like I was unhappy or mad-upset. I said I was fine--I just acted uninterested--and that is how he interpreted it. See what happens when I show no interest--I will let his fingers do all the dialing.

Still wondering if him and the turd are going to buy a camper. By the way he didn't have a reason to call me.

not to hijack....but......I think that whole 'being needed' thing is part of the A process or whatever you want to call it. I think the WS defiantely KNOWS that the BS can definately be counted on to keep things together, including marriage! No matter how sorry they are, or aren't.

Obviously WE are the reliable ones or else WE'd be the ones having A!

It's that kind of issue that makes me mad! I'm responsible & THIS is the thanks I (we)get? arghhh!

you know what I mean right?
*********
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I'm glad to hear that you are feeling better about the relationship--even though it is so frustrating.

sidenote....showed H link...very impressed, maybe I'll be your neighbor in a few years!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

albany~

I swear your H is one tough nut to crack. So, I wasn't far off about the self-sufficiency, yet we all know he doesn't like it when you're "clingy". The damsel in distress attraction wears off sooner or later, because distressed damsels tend to get clingy. He's not with them anymore, right?

Be yourself albany, but also show he's needed, without being clingy--good luck!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Seriously though, that's why I said to show and not say .

Have you ever told him that you forgive him?

On the money-grubbing-loser-op issue. It's so true about many an op. I know mine was. I was willing to overlook many of his jerky qualities because he was meeting a couple of my ENs that H just was not, nor ever really had. I even said to myself many times, "what a selfish brat om is". Of course then I scolded myself for thinking ill of him...like the pot calling the kettle black type of thing. God, I was such an [censored]!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

One thing all of us WS's have in common, we're all a bunch of asses. Fortunately some of us do go on to become reformed asses! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Love,

~ad

I know not all OW are money-grubbers. You are a prime example but this OW drove my H's little pickup all the time when she had a car to drive but it wasn't good enough for her so she drove his nice Toyota.

I started point all this out to him near the time she got pregnant--I bet he wishes he would have listened sooner. I reminded him that when we met that I had a little old 1977 Toyota coralla and he had a nice decked out 1/2 ton ford. He said yah and I said did I ever once ask to drive you truck and did I ever drive it and he said no. I firmly said you see any differences here? Like for instance it is all about money with her and material things. Well anyway.

Got home last night and H was there. He was freshly showered and ready for work. I said did you take a shower here and he said yes--I see after he left he had also taken a nice little nap in the bed. He had a new refill for RX laying on the counter and instead of takin it with him he put it up on our fridge with a magnet--but you know he lives in his apt. What the H@@@! Anyway, I didn't even head down that road and he went off to work.

He really wants a D from who his life that he created that he now doesn't like some of the pieces of.

Grow up-we all make mistakes, some small, some big but what seperates the boys from the men are how they handle there mistakes. Wonder which he will become.

I'm hoping he'll become the man.

Some really good signs, albany.

You are doing great not to ask about why leaving script on fridge, taking nap there, etc.

Keep it up!

Be kind--not pushy.

Be indifferent--but not cold and uncaring like, do you know what I mean? Light hearted like.

180's are being different than you have in the past. Keep him guessing. Wondering what's up with you.

He will be delighted with, attracted to and unable to resist the non-clingy, non-LB'g, non-DJ'g, non-obsessive you!!

~ad

ps. You're correct, I wasn't a money grubber. Far from it. If money was an issue, would've never strayed. H & I have plenty, x-om did not. I think he may have been after me for material things I could provide him. Also, and most here know this, (and it's really just a technicality), but I wasn't an OW...x-om was single, not even a g/f.

Sorry to refer to you as OW--see you knew better then to get involved with MM.

Yes hope my H becomes man not boy too. I'm being unclingy and indifferent and trying to do PA and some 180 things--it is hard but I think what is allowing me to do it is the fact that time has shown me and you that he isn't going to get D--could have done it and had it finalized by now--I could be way wrong but I'm betting no.

How is your weather today AD?? We have cooled off to a high of 82 today.

I have a busy lunch hour today running-not really-drving to store to do some grocery shopping on my lunch hour. How fun--not but need stuff for dinners this week--have sneaky thought that H will be around for dinner more in the near future.

No apology needed AT ALL albany!! Not exactly something to write home about. But yes, looking back, I, as well as my H agree, at least I didn't nearly destroy 2 marriages. I actually checked to make sure he was a SG, because I wouldn't get involved w/ a MM. Now why in the hell I was concerned w/ another person's potential W & M when I wasn't concerned w/ my own H & M is beyond me, but that's my story. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Yes, keep telling yourself that albany...he isn't going for the D! Turn your "hearing aid" off next time he says "I'm done". I need to come up with something really good for you to say in response though. Hmmmmm....I'll have to think on that one. At first I was going to say to give no response, but there has to be something better, but that also isn't an LB/DJ. For now though, don't say anything. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Better yet, here's hoping he's done saying I'm done. Could we be so lucky? I hope so, I for one am sick of hearing it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Today's a beaut here...just like it was Sunday. It looks like we're in an every-other-day mode here, as rain is in tomorrow's forecast!

Lots of things are falling into place these days and it is frightening. Since 1996 we have had an issue with IRS when they were trying find way to get to H's uncle who committed much tax fraud and was sen to prison a few years ago--Itwas a big-deal billions of dollars for a cattle rancher. Anyway my H finally met with IRS attorney who was reviewing H's cases from 93, 94, 95--we were in college. this IRS lady relized it was all harassment trying to flush out H's uncle and so she is droping it all except for some misc. income H had from selling a car and some show steers he had etc. They had all his bank records so they could see that it wasn't reported by the person who did his taxes.

Mind you this is now going away after a hour meeting and we had been fighting this since 1996 unsuccessfully and gave up in 1999-2000.

H was a t our house when I got home from work and he stayed until 10 or so. He worked in our shop on a car and I vacuumed and cleaned our my car--put seat covers so so's feet don't leave marks on the back of my front seat. We had great dinner of tacos and generally had a good time. He called after he left to tell me to have a good night and try and get some rest--our son didn't want to got to sleep--he was in his room doing the whiney fake type cry for an hour.

Don't really know about anything else--he did say the tax problems are behind US and we can move on without them--It why we don't own a home in our name--it's in my parents name.

Hope you all have a good day.

Albany,

Sounds like you & had a good evening, things are always good when we don't push it seems, right?

I know OC is not a big issue for you but do you know if he plans to have DNA done & pay CS, or don't you guys talk about it all.

Just wondering.

We don't reallt talk about it right now but in the past he said he thinks it is his but has doubt and said only would do CS with DNA test. I thinkhe plans on CS unless she wants to adopt the child or sign off his parental rights. At one point in 2/04 he/we talked about fighting for child--we knew it would not get a fair shale in life as you can that is proven by reading about the grandma and apples don't fall far from the tree. The living conditions are so bad in the house they are in that I'm toying with turnign them into CSD.

Not sure more than that and right now I'm not worrying about it.

Wow al! Every once in awhile, you add another little piece to the puzzle that makes up your H. The baby in college, this tax thing...

I am so glad he has this off his back. It must have weighed heavily on him. It certainly explains a lot of the doom and gloom attitude I sense from him.

Keep doin' what your doin', and I say celebrate! This is a biggie! How about asking H out on a date, (non-chalantly, of course)? If he says no, ok, no biggie, don't get upset or anything, but if he says yes, go for it and have a lovely, (kid free evening)! You gotta test the waters sooner or later...see if your Plan A is working. It's not like you're asking him to move back in. He's taking baby steps, you need to take a few of your own. Tread lightly though, light hearted is the name of the game. NO ISSUES brought up by you while you're out on the date. Have fun! Let him see you are capable of just having fun. Please tell me you'll ask him out?

Yes AD lots of pieces to the puzzle. Baby in HS, IRS problems when we got married during college, also, H and I dealt with something very personal and decided that at the point we were at in our lives not even married that we made the best decision--an issue you were dicussing w/mommyof3 I believe--the reason I get really mad at OW who keep pregnancy and why I think they do it on purpose--options are available.

So all those things on top of previous A and most current previous A that resulted in OC.

Do you follow what I'm talking about event wise while in college? We all have choices and I feel my was a wise one given the situation.

I will think about asking him on date--he works again starting tomorrow-two days and then twonights and then off again for four days.

Hi Albany,

I'm not doing so good but I am glad to here that you are doing okay.

JT

Hi Albany,

I just want you to know how frustrating I think it is when My man says, "I'm tired of this", or "I'm leaving everytime we have a disagreement." I have learned that when my husband says these things he never means them. He just wants to run away from his problems. Last night mine made the comment. Women, you can't live with them and you can't live without them. I noticed that your husband will say, "I'm Done." I think the shower, the nap, and leaving his meds are good signs, like a hint for you to make a move. I also think asking him out for a date is a good idea.

See what I mean about these puzzle pieces? Now another one.

I really believe MC would be oh so beneficial for you guys. I think it would be for all of us here, but I just think you guys have too many issues under the rug, piling up in the corners, under the bed, and in the closet, (ok, maybe not that much stuff). They need to get dug out, and organized, so to speak. A lot to deal with and sort out. Unresolved issues that may be getting in the way of recovery, whether you realize it or not.

Yes, please do think about the date. Get on the phone w/ Mom to see if she can sit for you. Remember to be cool about it w/ him though!

PS. Ask me about the weather, I dare ya.

When we were doing MC it was going well. THis new bit of the story doesn't need revisited I don't think--We both made a choice together and neither one of us has regrets about it. I will say that these tax issues going away are a huge relief for both of us.

We had a great night--H has lots of energy again--working around the house etc. he is coming out of his low--the AD levels seem to be helping.

We went to my parents to help with re-stacking and tarping the hay. We had take-out chinese. My mom and H got along well--se was so relieved he helped that see cried when she thanked him--very unusual for my mom--see hard a really long day--had state inspection for the 50 unit low income family state subsidized house complex she manages.

We came back home and we talked about us and buying a camper and both agreed it is nice to look but we can't afford a payment like that and we talked about what CS would be about and that when taxes were paid it would about the same amount for CS out of his checks but then we wouldn't be paying for apt and power at apt and food is cheaper to but for the three of us instead two and then a third person buying seperate.

He went to apt to take shower and go to bed-has to work at 6:00am today.

Okay AD and everyone--ready for this--small thing but important--he initiated a hug goodnight--he leaned down and gave me one(h 6'1" me 5')

Okay now get ready for this one he asked if it was okay for him to come by after work-that he would like to see us and I said yes but don't expect great dinner--we are having leftovers or sloppy joe's.

I think things are beginning to look up in this area of my life as well.

al~

I'm so happy for you!!! Progress is being made! You guys are beginning to talk about some real life stuff, instead of falling into the little digs.

I love the exchange between your mom and H. Does she know yet?

Cool, calm, and collected...keep reminding yourself of that.

I'm a little confused about the apartment thing...did you guys actually discuss the money sitch. if he didn't have the apt, or was that something you were thinking to yourself?

Ask him out on the date while eating your sloppy joes tonight! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Really off the cuff like..."Hey H, I could really use a night out, just relax, kick back, whatever...how about you, care to join me?...could be fun...plus we really need to celebrate the tax thing..." If he says no, then say casually, (w/ a smile), "oh, ok, maybe next time then...no problem, I'll call g/f, see if she wants to go out..." If he says yes...try to get him to go see Notebook, seeing as you already saw Troy, right? Notebook may be pushing it a bit, but it would be awesome to see it together!

Good luck!

AD, my mom doesn't know and she will flip when she knows but as my DAD and I discussed H and I have to work us out or not for sure first because when I tell my mom and she sees us together rather than knowing we don't know and H is in apt. it will be better than the alternative.

I think we would go see Harry Potter-we both love it--have read the books. We may see about going on Saturday--I will see about asking H.

I didn't say the money thing about apt.--but was thinking it and it seemed as if H was too.

Wanna take a bet if H calls today from work??? I bet he calls at some point today to check in.

Hi Albany,

I see you are making some real progress girl. It is so good when you can have conversation.

Oh Albany! Love that he's being so good! (gotta love your mom, too - I'd have probably teared up with her - but then I'm a mushhead).

I hope you get a very sweet date!

I've got a date Saturday, too. Dh is going to ask for that night off. My little guys are spending the week with my sil as of today....oh, to have a quiet house... I've no idea what he has planned....but I don't care as long as I sit by him in the pickup and he drives with his arm around me (which I will, because that's what we bought that pickup for - hehe)....

- Kimmy