Don't have time to read everything but wanted to make one comment.

H asked me if I wanted him to go before or after the kids went to bed. I said before, so we could spend the evening together. Also, the only reason it is in the evening is because he has been working on building a deck and does that right after work. He also did not go over again Monday night.

Just wanted to clarify that it was I who suggested it.

Got to run to another meeting.

Hi LUV,

You go girl!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Genia

Luvmyfamily, just wanted to let you know that I have been following your story and still wishing you the best. I think the people have been giving you good advice and it still seems like your husband is walking over you. However, we only read your posts and do not understand the actual circumstances in which things are happening and often get things wrong (i.e. you are the one who stated when he should go over and visit the child).

I feel a little nervous about my next statement because I am not involved in a situation with a child from an affair (my wife got pregnant and had an abortion from an older affair, but no kid), however I thought I would put my two cents in on the idea of who comes first—the kid or the spouse. I personally feel that, at least as long as the child is young, that I have more of an obligation to my offspring than my wife. We bring our children into the world and they must rely upon us for financial, emotional and physical support. Obviously we must reach a balance and should not sacrifice one for the other, but I feel I have a higher moral obligation to my kids than my wife. Maybe my values are based on the fact that I was partly abandoned by my father (as were many people growing up in the first generation after no fault divorce in America).

I do not intend to spark a major debate or anger anyone, but just to suggest that maybe your husband is acting out feelings or values that he has created this life and must live up to his responsibilities. The fact that he may not have been as responsible with his earlier kids may actually prompt him to be more proactive toward the new kid, especially since he has screwed the kid up so much by bringing the kid into a world where it will never have a proper family (dad may be around but he is not with mom). I am not saying that these are the thoughts that drive your husband, he could be trying to make you compete with the other woman or he could be at least subconsciously trying to see what it would be like to be with the other woman. All I know is that if I had fathered a child out of wedlock (a weird thought since I have never even come close to cheating on my wife) I would feel very guilty about the handicap I had given the child and would want to do everything I could to be a good father to the kid.

Also, I want to say that, based on your posts, it appears that you are doing everything you can to allow you and your husband to heal AND allow him to be a good father to his new child. You are willing to be the “step-mother” and be there for both your husband and the new child. Maybe even so much that you may be allowing your husband to maintain inappropriate contact with the OW. I mean no criticism toward you or the other posters on here, just wanted to share some thoughts and a slightly different perspective that I formed while reading the posts.

August that is a good point to make. I would appreciate if you would give a male perspective on things more often if you would. We need to try to understand maybe what goes through the mind of our H or at least a thought about it.
I think you might be on something here, but I agree he is still walking over her feelings and maintaining an inappropriate realtionship with OW.

LUV - I wish you the best my dear and keep praying and follow your heart and head. You and only you can know when it is time to throw in the towel - but I would make da%^&* sure that he shows you some respect when it comes to OC.

JT

Hey Luv, where are you at? Haven't seen you on in a few days so I was missing you. Hows everyhting going? And your weekend? Look forward in hearing from you.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

hi LUV,

where are you? you have ben missed and we need to check up on you so give us a little bite as to how you are doing!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

JT

OK where is LUV! Has anyone heard from her? Does anyone get email from her? I'm getting worried here.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny

Hello everyone. Sorry that I made you worry. I was out of town on a 4 day business trip and did not have acess to a computer. Funny thing. I got in from the airport at 2:00 a.m. on Friday and woke up at 4:30 a.m. to a vomiting child so I was off work on Friday as well. I was also off yesterday for Dr. Appts. My home computer is on the fritz so I can't post on the weekends. But I am back now and ready to bring you all up to date.

August I in NO way took your post the wrong way. I really look forward to your input on things and like the alternative perspective you give. My H does feel an obligation to this child. I think some of what he does is based more on that than honestly wanting to do it.

I agree that there has to be a "balance" between wife and kids. However, I look at it like this too. A happy wife makes a happy mom. If I am happy then I can be a great mom and step-mom. With that said, I also feel that children at times do need to come first. So, all in all I agree with you.

Knowing that you feel that way makes it easier for me to accept my H's actions. He says what you wrote so hearing it from you makes me realize that he is not playing a smoking mirrors game with me. Sometimes I think I get hurt because I think I should be. Does that make sense?

H and I are going to sit down and decide how much contact we want with this child. We are going to try and decide when we are going to tell our children. That is really a huge factor in the way things are being dealt with. For example: Father's Day. He went to OW's house to see OC. Main reason, we still have not told the kids and are not ready to do so. I did not like it but I knew there was no other way. He did wait until the very end of the day so we all had the entire day and early evening together.

My in-laws came to see the baby while I was out of town. H said they did that so I would not get hurt.

My FIL told my H something that is really bugging me. He does not think we can work through this. He said even the strongest women would have problems. He suggest that my H cut his losses, D me and move in with OW/OC. He said that you have three kids to think of. For whatever STUPID reason, he thinks that life with OW would be less trumatic than life with me. He thinks/says that there will always be issues with me, that I will never fully let go of the hurt and we will always have problems. Like OW would not have problems with me. I really don't get that at all. My hurt response "So, it's ok that the two kids born in wedlock and love are raise as part of a divorce family. What a twisted stupid way of thinking. Sometimes his father is so stupid and a total A**.

The other thing. H says he loves me and NOT her. When the A was going on, my FIL told my H to be happy and if OW made him happy then go with that. So, let's look at this situation now. I make my H happy but NOW my FIL is telling him to be with a woman who he does not love and no longer makes him happy but ONLY because of a CHILD. That is so wrong. August, there is an example where the child SHOULD NOT COME FIRST.

Things have been going better. We have had a few arguments but I think it's going better. I really have been feeling loved by my H. He seems to really be trying to do what's best for all involved. I think I need to be patient. I told him that I will be patient until we have a custody schedule set out, after that I will not accept contact with OW like he has had.

Well, I have a ton of work to catch up on. Talk to you all later.

LMF

So glad you are okay and things are looking up. You have to remind us about going out of town--we were scared for you but I'm happy to welcome you back to posting with us.

Hi Luv,

Sounds like you are makeing progress. I am so glad you went on your business trip. I did think of that. I hope you get the cusdody worked out soon. Your FIL sounds like a jerk. I am so sorry you have to deal with a FIL like him. I feel bad for your two children.

Hey Luv!

Genia - fil isn't just a jerk! He's the epitomy of the northbound end of a southbound horse. What an a-hole - and I NEVER call anyone that.

Luv - my mom said something similar, but has since made up for it (my mom's so not like this either) but she said she thought that by working it out we were just prolonging the inevitable. Sounds like your fil needs to have his lips sewn shut. Besides which, it's none of his beeswax - that's what I told my mom.

Ignore him. He is not conducive to your healing - and it sounds like he's a bitter old geezer who was getting vicarious jollies out of his son's antics. Now that there isn't any antics, he's trying to stir the bee's nest. A-hole.

I'll send up a flare prayer for you, hon. D'ya like business travel? I do, but I don't ever get to do it...makes me feel all grown up and independent and stuff...and all the pillows are MINE (don't I sound like, 10?)!

Ick on the sick little one! Nothing worse, IMO, than having to clean THAT up in the middle of the night! Hope she's better. Poor baby.

- Kimmy

Albany,

I know, I am sorry. I have done that in the past and thought I said something this time. I was so busy before I left, which is probably why I forgot.

I forgot to mention a few very nice things about my H. While I was out of town, he did stop to see the baby on Monday. When we talked on the phone, I told him I was nervous. He did not go the rest of the week. He said it was so I would not worry. However, he is working on building a deck and was very busy all week so I am not sure which reason was the most prevelant reason.

He did ask if he could go over on Friday and I said yes but asked if he would go before he got home from work. He agreed and was home around 5:30, just as I pulled in. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

He did not go over on Saturday either but we were really busy with our D's dance recital. The in-laws came down and we all had dinner together. They probably did not leave till around 6:30 or 7. So, if he wanted he had the time to go over but either chose not to or was too tired.

He has not been going over evey night, which really helps me cope. Sometimes he really does seem to try and understand my feelings. He has also been very reassuring toward me. He tells me he loves me a lot more. He also holds or hugs me in a way that I can feel his love for me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
He has mentioned that we need some away time and has come up with some ideas for us to do alone. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Keeping my fingers crossed. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

So happy for you LMF. That all sounds like positive baby steps in the right direction to me. I have also been seeing small baby steps in my own situation so I'm with you on how these small things mean a lot right now.

You are in my thoughts.

Luv,

So glad you are back!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Don't ever scare us like that again.

I say we do a family tree search, your FIL & MIL sound like they are related. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> What a stupid thing for him to say to your H! Glad he is not listening.

Things sounds promising & I am so happy for you, inspiring to hear some good news.

Hi Luv,

It sounds like your husband is treating you a lot better. I am so happy for you. Your situation gives me some hope. Maybe he said mean things shortly after the birth of the baby because of the stress he was feeling. Maybe he was also testing you to see how strong you were and whether you would up and leave him. I beleive he is impressed with you and you have proved your strength to him. Your husband should feel very lucky to have you.

Luv, keep it up girl. Doing what is best for your family is great. You sound better and we all missed you. Glad your trip when fine and good luck with telling the BC's. We are getting close to telling our D, so let me know how it goes. I am keeping you and yours in my prayers and remember, everyhting works out the way God intended, not FIL's LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Luvmyfamily—Nice to hear that things are on an upward swing for you right now. Your statement that sometimes you are hurt because you think you should be strikes a cord. I often feel hurt and have to shake off melancholy and depressive thoughts. Since I am in this state of mind it is easier to take things the wrong way and almost feel like I should be hurt. Sometimes it makes me angry that I have changed so much, that I have to go through all this hell and betrayal.

I enjoyed reading that you and your husband are going to together sit down and decide the type and degree of contact you and your husband will have with the OC. It is nice that he is recognizing that you have a role to play and an equal voice in the decisions that you make together.


Being a responsible parent and placing the child’s needs first does not mean staying with someone that you do not love or will not make you happy. I am child of divorce and, while I wish my mom and dad could have stayed together, they no longer loved each other and it would have been hell if they remained married. Your husband needs to decide, and be faithful to his decision, who he wants to be married to. He made that choice when he decided to marry you and seems to have made that choice again when he choose you over the OW. If he left you to be with the OW only to raise the OC would NOT be in the OC’s best interest. Parents should stay married because they want to be married to that person. I am not in favor of lightly divorcing and I know that I am currently trying harder in make my marriage work because we have kids, but if my wife and I were unhappy and did not love each other then we should not be married. I think these are issues that transcend the issue of adultery and children born from affairs. The issue of an affair and the reasons for an affair typically have more to with the marriage and cheater than whoever the OW supports the idea that the affair relationship is a fantasy not reality that should not turn into a permanent bond. Even if your marriage with your husband ended today, your husband would not do the OC any favors to marry this woman. Your husband and the OW have created a terrible situation for the OC.

I respect both you and your husband for treating the OC like a human being that has been born into bad circumstances and trying to help the child, but also protect your marriage and family. I do not know if I would be as good of a human being to bring another man’s child into my home that was born due to an affair with my wife. I have read some people here that basically consider it like an adoption or people like you who try to work it out by being involved in the OC. While none of us can ever completely put the emotional scars behind us, you (assuming you remain with your husband) will always have a physical reminder that your husband strayed. I have thought about this issue quite a bit as my wife had her first affair about ten years ago and she got pregnant. We were not married, still in college and she had an abortion. I did not find out any of this until this year. The abortion, the affair and the lying have caused numerous problems for my wife and (unknown to me) our relationship over the years. I think if she would have told me the truth and said she wanted me to raise this OM’s child I think I would have cut my losses and left. Although I think what you are doing is, from an ethical and moral viewpoint, is the best course of action for your family and the OC, I do not know if I would have the emotional strength to do what you are doing. I guess what I am trying to say is that I respect you immensely for the course of action that you are endeavoring to take.

Hey Luv how are things going? Miss hearing from you!.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Hello ladies and gents,

Things continue to go well with H and I. Now if I could get my work situation in line but that is a whole other story.

H and I decided to try contact every other weekend, from either Fri-Sun or Sat-Mon or Sun-Tue. I hate giving OW two whole weekends a month where she can be kid free while we are with kids all month long, without a break. However, we do (me included) would like to have a whole day or two with OC.

OW called H this past Fri. saying that if he was planning on seeing the baby that she had plans and so he could not. He said, too bad our kids are not prepared for this because I would bring OC over to our place so you could have some alone time. He expected the response to be favorable. Needless to say, she freaked. She said "OVER THERE" My H was like yes, yada, yada and asked her what she thought was going to happen. He told her, I guess you have a few things to start thinking about.

Just so you all know, my work has been crazy so if I don't post for a few days, please don't worry. I will try to check in and read but may not have the time to post.

I have another question that I want help with, going to start another post.

Luv,

I am so glad to hear from you. I was worried about you and your family. I am glad to hear of the progress you have been making and wish that I could be at that point.

Keep up the good work and I am praying for you.

JT