My life turned upside down on 3/16/04 when I found that OC had been born 3/5/04. I found this site shortly after Dday and have received incredible insight and support from reading your posts.
Ironically, when I have needed support for a specific topic, i.e. C/NC, tips on how to make C work, keep the faith and make your own decisions, etc., there has been a thread posted on the day I need to hear your words of experience and wisdom. I have barely started the journey to recovery, however, finding this site and all of your experiences has been a blessing.
In my search for information and answers I came across two things, a book and poem which I hope can provide some support to someone. My search has yielded that there are no simple direct answers just the daunting realization that this is a very complex situation that we (both BS and WS) have to search and find individual answers and solutions within our own hearts and that the journey is filled with many setbacks and hopefully even if just for myself there will be continued progression towards recovery.
Suzy Farbman’s recently published book, Back from Betrayal, has provided me with hope for the future and a realistic out look . While there is no OC as a result of the A, Suzy’s account of her experience in dealing with her H’s A, is the most honest and first hand testimony of the painful and life changing experience that an A causes. While she and her H were able to reconcile, the message is clearly articulated that change must occur in both parties and healing is required ,”. . . whatever lay ahead, whether my marriage revived or faltered, I had started to believe I would survive. I could take care of myself. With my husband, if he proved willing to make changes, too. Without him, if he didn’t. My brighter new look reflected my brighter new outlook, I was beginning to heal, inside and out.”(page 171 Back from Betrayal) I highly recommend this book to anyone who has the devastating experience of an A entering your life.
My best friend sent this poem to me. I have not let go of everything (have to first accept it before it can be let go). From all my research and in my heart I know for our relationship to move forward, I believe both the BS and WS need to “let it go”.
Let It Go For 2004-----TD Jakes
There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this!
When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you
to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling
you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean
hang up the phone.
When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied
to anybody that left. The bible said that, they came out from us that it
might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us,
no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]
People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not
joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn't mean
that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is
over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so
that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's
dead.
You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the
gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye.
It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God
means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I
don't need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!!
If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never
intended for your life, then you need to ..LET IT GO!!! If you are holding
on to past hurts and pains ...LET IT GO!!! If someone can't treat you right,
love you back, and see your worth...LET IT GO!!! If someone has angered you
.... LET IT GO!!! If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge
... LET IT GO!!! If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction.
LET IT GO!!! If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs
or talents ... LET IT GO!!! If you have a bad attitude...LET IT GO!!! If
you keep judging others to make yourself feel better... LET IT GO!!! If
you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him...
LET IT GO!!! If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship....LET IT GO!!! If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves...
LET IT GO!!! If you're feeling depressed and stressed .... LET IT GO!!! If there is a particular
situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take
your hands off of it," then you need to... LET IT GO!!! Let the past be the
past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing for 2004!!! LET IT
GO!!! Get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then LET IT GO!!!
"The Battle is the Lord's!"
I may not post often as I am trying to come to terms with my new reality but know that your wisdom and willingness to share your experiences is helping many of us out there.
I wish anyone who has life circumstances which have necessitated for them to find their way to this site peace, inner strength and presence (live in the moment, don’t dwell on the past or worry about the future).
Continuing Seeking to Heal
