Weird, very weird.

I just got a call from a guy I met last October at a conference. He seemed interested in me at the time. The girl I was there with thought so too. This was during a time that my H and I were sep.

He called me after the conference but was on his way out of country for a few months for work so we did not speak again. Anyway, he just called me again. Tell me that is not odd.

When I met him before he paid attention to my hand and the ring on it, which was my moms. Anyway, on the phone today he was surprised that I had kids. Then he asked if there was a Mr. XX This is where I did a bad thing, my answer was no. I said that we were sep. I know that is so bad. He is going out of the country again for a month or more. I figured by then, maybe I would have my mind made up and it would be true.

I was also thinking that this was some kind of sign from God that I need to move on. That God was trying to tell me that I am worthy of someone else. I say this because I think part of me feels that I am not. If I did feel worthy, wouldn't I have moved on already?

I guess we could take all things as a sign from God if that's what we are looking for. Some people think an A is a sign from God that they are in a bad M, and either have an A or are BS's. If you truly want to end your M then do that first and then give yourself time to grieve over it.. If you take this as a sign and act on it and it doesn't turn out the way you think it should then what? There's a C&W song that says;
If it's over then I need to know, why don't I feel it in my heart and in my soul? In my heart & soul I still love BS and if I got together with someone else I know I would regret it. You have to make a decision you can live with. I too have other men intersted and I just take this as a sign that yes, 'I still got it!' Never as a sign that I should give up on WS. Only you can be the judge of that. Good luck!

I agree with Cyn. I am never quite sure if its a sign from God or temptation to do exactly what H did? But I know that God loves marriage, and hates divorce (even though it is allowed in cases of adultery - not necessarily encouraged).

As long as you are married, concentrate on that. You are not really free to pursue another relationship until you are divorced, and as long as you are married, its my opinion that God would want us to do what we can to save it.

Only my opinion. Just be careful not to fall into same temptations that led to the situation you are already in. Two wrongs do not make a right, etc.

Oh, I would never have an A. And I am not thinking that this should turn out in any certain way. I am just thinking that God is trying to help me make up my mind. I think one of the reasons I hold back is out of fear, fear of being alone, fear that no one will ever be interested in me, etc. This guy is nice but really does not interest me. However, knowing that he is intersted in me kind of gives me the feeling that I will be alright.

Almost 2 years ago after my mom died, during one of our seps. two things happened that made me think it was a sign from God but I ignored it. A good friend of mine from H.S. came back into my life. She and I had a falling out our Sr. yr. and had not spoken. We rekindled our friendship and picked up where we left off. I went back home to visit her and she came to see me. The other thing that happened, I won this great diamond earrings. It made me think that God was telling me that I would have friends and other happines without my H. Honestly, after H and I got back together, alot of my happiness disappeared and it was back to being stressed.

I have done more looking into my relationship with my H and his family. I spoke with my priest very candidly and he referred me to a C. They both said, as have many of my friends, that my H is emotionally abusive towards me. This is one reason I lack the self-esteem to leave. As you have seen from my more recent posts, his family has no loyalty to me either. The priest also told me that based on everything that I have done and that has happened to me, the church would say that I have done enough and it's time to end it. He said the church does not want someone to stay married if the are emotionall or physically abused. I would even consider trying to get my M annulled.

The rest of this is stuff I thought about on the drive to work this morning and was going to post anyway, so I thought I would do it here.

I have really thought about my vows, to love, honor and cherish. I feel that I am not getting any of these things from my H. The love is there at times but fades as a problem arises. If I don't agree with him, or I voice a feeling he does not like, he takes his love away, it's very conditional. I don't want that anymore. I want to feel cherished.

My H took his wedding ring off again last night and said that until I get with the program and decide what I want he will not put it back on. Seems conditional to me. I have not taken mine off and things are up and down. But for him, he thinks that because they are up and down he is justified to taking off his ring UNTILL I MAKE UP MY MIND. Now how do you think I am going to lean with him taking off his ring? Makes me feel like he really does not care.

He can't accept my emotions right now, the tells me that I am acting foolish and need to get with the program. He said that I need to stop being so emotional. Heck he can't even respect my feelings let alone the things I need.

He tells me that he won't do this, this or this but he will give me this scrap here and there that I eventually conceed to (my fault but the only way to keep my M ). Then he acts like he has given me the world and I should be so greatful to him because he gave me what I asked for. Like the visitation. He won't stop seeing the baby with OW (Which is what I asked for) but knowing he would not I gave in and asked for visitation up to 2 hours everyday. Well, he is doing what I eventually asked for and has even missed days. The other thing is that he continually tells me that HE WILL DO WHAT HE WANTS TO DO, even if I don't like it. Heck he won't even do MC because HE DOES NOT BELIEVE IN IT.

I am very torn right now. Has nothing to do with the guy calling. I am just torn as to wether I can deal with this any longer. I feel so left out and un-important. I feel like my H and his family think I am a demanding, unreasonable B****. I feel like I am the one who has done wrong in their eyes, not my H. I feel like I am to put up and shut up.

When I talk to my C and tell her everything that has happended, been said, etc. she asks why would I want to be married to this man? Honestly, looking at what I say, I don't know why I do. If a friend told me this stuff I would tell her to pack her bags.

My SIL has decided that she needs to back out of this situation and that I should not talk to her about it any longer. I knew it would happen, really can't blame her.

I am so sorry LUV. I too am afraid of being alone, afraid of new relationships. I only had bad relationships so I hang onto a bad one for fear that being alone or of getting into a worse relationship. I really feel you. I started to go to counseling. My counselor told me that she could not help me as long as I stayed with my man. I loved my man so I quit counseling.

<small>[ June 08, 2004, 08:57 AM: Message edited by: Genia ]</small>

Genia,

I feel the same way. I do love my H, at least I think I do. I question if it's love or something else because of the things he has done. I also wonder if it's because at times it is good but they are not consistent, like I want them to be.
I also struggle with the question, when is enough enough.

My C said that I need to leave too. She says that she belives in fighting for a marriage and will try to help make a marriage work but she does not see my H as wanting his M and that he disrespects me too much.

I have been doing what I think is right and what my heart wants for over three years now. I am starting to think that I need to listen to someone else becuase they see it more clearly. I also think as much as it hurts me to leave my H, I need to listen to my head. My head is telling me it's the best thing for me. This is affeting my health, I am on anti-d's, I have meds for anxiety attacks if I need them, I am crying at work over the slightest thing, I am not eating right, I am not sleeping well. This can't be good for me. I have to stop it somehow. The way it looks, it's not going to stop by having him understand and support me so I only have two options. Live with it or leave. I don't think I can live with it. I must say, this is the first time in over 3 years that I have me feet hanging on the other side of the fence.

Hi Luv,

I know the feeling of crying at work. I just do not understand why they keep playing with our emotions. So far I have not got caught crying. Sometimes I do not understand his eratic sexual behavior. He skipped a week and a half, then he wanted it three days in a row, then he made a comment that he could wait a month. Of course I told him that I would not let him wait that long. Other woman is three hours away so maybe something else is going on such as porn. He ordered pay per veiw porn once before. I got on him so bad, he did not do that again.

<small>[ June 08, 2004, 09:23 AM: Message edited by: Genia ]</small>

Luv,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I also struggle with the question, when is enough enough.

My C said that I need to leave too. She says that she belives in fighting for a marriage and will try to help make a marriage work but she does not see my H as wanting his M and that he disrespects me too much. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Gosh now I feel like we are twins. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> I say that to myself all the time & have a good friend who always tells me, "you will know when you have had enough", I am starting to feel like I have a mental block or something. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> My C told me back in 2002 before H came home that she didn't see it working, she knows us both & knows our history, we have had problems since day one pratically. She didn't come out & say it but she wonders why I am still in this mess.

During our one C session together she told us this is the yr. we make a choice, make a decision to work on our M or let it go. My H too, doesn't believe in C, says he doesn't want to air the dirty laundry. It is a cop out.

I do believe in signs from God, & I believe he sometimes uses people to show us things. I don't think that was necessarily God using that man that called you, I would think that is a trick from the enemy - temptation. You know it is not about moving on in a new relationship right now. You have to decide whether it is time for Plan B, at least give your M that time to see if H will realized he wants to work on your M, if not YOU know you didn't give up w/o a fight to the end. You walk away with your sanity & dignity intact, being a whole & complete person & good mother to your children.

Wow, did our husbands come from the same mold. Mine does not beleive in counseling either. I have done one thing though. I am leaving if I am not happy by the end of this year. That is my limit. I do not plan on being tortured like this the rest of my life. I love him but not enough to let him destroy me emotionally. When I tell people the deadline is the end of the year they do not beleive me. They think I can't let go. They will see. I am stronger than they think. I am sure there many guys out there who would love to have a woman like you Luv. My boss is looking for a good woman. He can't find one. But then he is kinda nerdy looking. He says women all want tough machu guys.

I think the no MC is their fear of being told they are wrong. My H also thinks that they don't tell him anything he does not already know and he hates how they say "well how does that make you feel? or what do you think about that?" I told MC would be different than IC becuase we would be working on a commone goal, to make are marriage survive. I said that before you were trying to decide what to do. If you decide to stay married then you use the MC to show you how to overcome all of this and move on. Ladies, take a look to your right or left. That is what I was talking to. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

BG- I have to laugh. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I say that to myself all the time & have a good friend who always tells me, "you will know when you have had enough", I am starting to feel like I have a mental block or something. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is what I have been thinking too! What is wrong with me?! I never in a million years would have thought that my patience would be this long! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I would think that is a trick from the enemy - temptation. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Never thought of it like that. Again, I am not tempted to do anything with him now or even in the future, it just made me think that maybe he was trying to show me that life can be better. That someday when I am ready, I can be happy and I can find someone else. I have been praying and asking for a sign. I think I even said that Sunday night in a prayer. Who knows.

Genia,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am leaving if I am not happy by the end of this year. That is my limit. I do not plan on being tortured like this the rest of my life. I love him but not enough to let him destroy me emotionally. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have been toying with this idea too. However, my deadline is like August or early Sept. after the kids are back at school. Sometimes, like yesterday and today, I am not sure I can make it that long. Right now, it seems so unbearable. I think the emotional and physical strain I feel now is worse than when I first found out about the A.

Funny you said that about the nerdy guy. My H is very good looking. However, next time around I don't care what he looks like, as long as he treats me nice and he looks good to me.

The other thing that is weird. His parents are going to go to her apt. with her and the baby. Doesn't that just seem odd and uncomfortable for all parites involved? or is it just me? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Luv,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The other thing that is weird. His parents are going to go to her apt. with her and the baby. Doesn't that just seem odd and uncomfortable for all parites involved? or is it just me? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think it is totally OUTRAGEOUS - but we have to remember these people are dysfunctional. I can kinda understand you SIL wanting to stay out of it but I know you want support from someone close to the situation. One of my SIL's was totally supportive of me after DDay but once MIL & I had words, she sides w/ her mom which is to be expected.

I know it is hard but you can't worry about your in-laws, your main concern is H & what he is gonna do to clean up the mess he's made.

My pastor told me right after DDay that God does not want me to be unhappy & he would send me someone who would love, honor, respect & care for me. They do say the third time is the charm right? They also say three strikes - your out!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Luv and Babygirl,

I feel for you two. The struggle you feel. What you are going through is much worse than discovering an affair because the pain never goes away. It is like getting stung repeatedly. You can never heal as long as husband insists on visitation. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
I may be luckier because my other woman decided to do crack while she is pregnant. That is a crime now and they will put her in jail when her baby is born. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

LUV,

SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR NEWS - UPDATE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE H OF OURS. I DO KNOW THAT YOU HAVE BEEN MORE SUPPORTIVE THAN I COULD EVER BE... I ONLY HOPE THAT YOU FIND HAPPINESS. H IS HAPPY - YOU ARE STILL STRINGING ALONG AND OW IS CRADLING A BABY. H HAS VISITATIONS WITH BOTH YOU GUYS WITH NO REAL DEVOTION TO EITHER OF YOU. IT SOUNDS LIKE A LITTLE CAKE EATING TO ME!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I HOPE I AM NOT OUT OF LINE BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I AM HERE FOR YOU.

JT

Dear LUV,
I have been reading your post since the very first one and I just had to reach out today and say something.
1. You are a beautiful person. If you don't know, then please pick up on the realization - YOU ARE!!!!You are special and worthy of so much more. Your H is not the man you married and not the man you fell in love with. You know it in your heart. You are right. GOD does use people to guide others.... and as some one who doesn't even know you personally, I will say this... YOU DESERVE MORE.
YOU ARE WORTH MORE!!!!
I want you to do me a favor. Every morning for the next seven days, wake up... go to the mirror and say.... "It is about me and my babies!!!" and say it every morning until you believe it. Because it is about you and your babies. It is not about H, OW, or OC. It is about LUV and her babies. They come first! And right now, you are allowing everything to take a back seat to your needs. You can't continue this way and your shouldn't. Maybe you can't control H but you can control you. You are important... to a lot of people I am sure. Two people I know!!!!(your children) You count and they count. Make your decisions for you and your children. Don't worry or fret anymore. It is about you and your babies. Just keep saying it. Eventually, you H will wake up and realize.... I have lost something beautiful and special and she is strong. You are. Don't doubt it!!! Don't be afraid to be alone. You aren't. Put God first and the rest will fall in line.

I am going to continue to read your post and pray as you type every word. Please stay strong and focused. Focus on the your needs and the needs of your babies.

Ps. I am not exactly in your situation. But may I say, I am proud of how you are handling yourself. You are strong. Stronger than what you give yourself credit for!!! Remember: say it every morning.. and believe it!! IT IS ABOUT YOU AND YOUR BABIES.

LUV, I'm w/ the C and P. If you read my last post on your updates. I don't feel like H thinks he is wrong? He thinks it was OK. Until he relizes he's done wrong, then he's not and u are. So you just need to deal w/ it. If someone slapped your kids for no reason, would you stand there? No, think not. He's slapping you in the face and H doesn't even realize hes doing it. I'm not wrong, so there is nothing to be sorry for, so you get over it. OH NO! You kicked me out, blah, blah. Act like a H should! Nothing is easy. I know you are scared. The fact that you know the way H is going to act. Ok on Mon he comes in does this and that. We fight make up, hes good for a couple of days. Ok on friday hes going to do this. You know what it expect. Even if its bad and brings you down, you still know what is happening. Ok so much better than the unknown. Will I ever be loved? Yes God said so he loves you. Don't need a mortal man to tell you are worth something. He said you are!!!! Will my kids be ok? NO fighting, no anger, ? Tell me. Will I be happy, you can if you let yourself be. Sorry to be so hard, but I just feel for you.
I know how hard it is to file for D or S. I was scared too. But look woke him up and he will be a better man for doing what was right. Hopefully! We are still praying hard and working at it. But I learned alot to. I am ok, I don't need a man to make me feel worth anything. I have god and I am first in his book and he will never fail me!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I hope tonight is good for you.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny

Your husband is treating you the way you let him treat you. His family is doing the same thing.

Never in a million years would I ever want to see a marraige end, but girl, you are to good for all of them. Remember a while back when I said, on an angry day, to steer clear of his father? To not allow him near you or your children at your home? Well, I thougth I was being a witch and agreed, that you should be the bigger person. I take it back. I would not allow these people in my home or near my children. They are treating your horribly. The amount of disrespect they are showing you is immoral and cruel. YOU ARE TO GOOD FOR THIS.

I hope you still have a line on that apartment. If this were me, I would be gone. Done. Finished. Get all you can and move on. Sure it is nice that that man called you. What it is really telling you is that you are an attractive, loveable woman. That others do find you interesting and would like to get to know you better. That you are a worthy and accomplished woman worth far more then you are getting. Get the apartment and move on.

If my in-laws ever pulled that crap, I would make it very difficult for them to see my children. Why would I want such mean, disprespectfull, twofaced people around? Sure, your husband will have visitation, and they can see them then. But I would cut all ties to this family. I would not bend an inch.

You need a strong Plan B. Move out and do not look back. You tell HIM that if he doesn't like it he can go. Who the he// does he think he is? Don't let him walk on you any more.

YOU ARE TO GOOD FOR THEM.

LUV

Like the others I have followed your story closely. This is the first time I have ever cried over a poster. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I could say all the same things the others are saying, but I think you know the truth already.

I pray that god will give you the courage to leave. This man is evil. Pure and simple. Not only to you but to your children. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> This is not man that loves his family. No man could possibly do this to the woman he loves. And honey I hate to say it.... He does not love you.

I will pray for you and your children. When you have had enough you'll leave.

Please LUV, you are worth so much more.

Wiz

Hi Luv,

I feel a connection to you because I am going through similar. I understand love for a man. I love my man more than I have loved a man. I do not feel I am getting that same love in return. I get my feelings hurt and cry a lot like you. There comes a time when you have to draw a line in the sand, wipe the tears from your eyes and move on. A girl at work talked to me. She told me as long as I was with this guy, I could not be with somebody who would love and respect me. So in a way, maybe God is trying to wake you up.
(((((((((((((Hug))))))))))))))))))

Ok LUV where you at? How are you this morning? Good I hope.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny

Hi Everyone, I am here and fine today.

I had a Director of a federal gov't agency come out for a tour so I have been tied up all morning.

I really appreciate everyone's comments, prayers, hugs and concern. Yesterday I was so ready to hit the road then something happened last night.

This is so typical of my situation. I think it is very much like a DV situation but without the violence. My H hurts me, says he is sorry, loves me, etc and I turn over. I know I need to stop but I don't know how just yet. I think the bad part is that he makes me think of the good part and that is what clouds my mind.

He asked my what it was that he is not doing for me and what was so wrong with our relationship right now (other than OW and OC). I told him that yes he has been doing what I have asked. My fault is that I have asked for too little. Other than OW and OC, the realtionship has been going well. We have fun, we work on the house together, we parent together, etc.

I told him I think my big issue right now is that you just don't get it. You don't get why I get upset, you don't see or understand that I have a legit reason to be this way. It is very frustrating for me to try to express myself and have you not empathize with me. To not see my pain as something real and something that you have caused. I told him that I struggle to think of different ways of putting it so that you can see but it does not work. I told him that is why I would like to see a MC, because maybe they have the words that will click.

Anyway, H said that he loves me, that he want's this marriage, that if he did not he would not still be here. He asked me to look at the big picture and how well things have been going. If I do this, he is right, they have been nice. He asked me to give it a little more time to settle down. He said that things will change. I was thinking of giving it till Sept. right after school starts. If is the same I leave, if it's better I stay. What do you all think about that?

I was believing him last night and felt close to him, my guard was coming down. However, after reading everyone's posts I am doubting myself and him. I feel like I am fumbling again. I have a strong focus when we are mad and then I soften as soon as he is the least bit nice. Very annoying.

KrisNC, thank you for your words. I will do and practice what you said.

Sunny, JT2, Lynn G, Wizard, Genia- Thank you all so much for your words. You have each touched my heart and I feel your support. I only hope that I can find strength and guidance in God and in your words.

Thank you all and I look forward to your posts. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />