Hi, sad to say that I am new to this forum and hope to get some advice. I had posted in other sections before over the last 2 days, but I have pushed myself to get some answers. Perhaps you also want to read Story leading to where I am now to get some more inside.

Some 8 weeks ago my wife had a lot of contact with a guy she was going to open a business together. They have seen each other for a few weeks and slept with each other. Even though they used contraceptives she became pregnant. For her it was initially more emotional (which is understandable - she has been alone for most of the last 4 years). The guy wanted to marry her - but she had no interest and he mentioned once to her that the only way he will get her is to make her pregnant. I know that to have an affair it always takes to consenting adults, but also believe that he abused the situation and her lonliness and (probably on purpose) made her pregnant to win the upper hand.

Even if she was not pregnant, she would have told me in anycase. She even tried to go for an abortion, but it was already too late.

Since I have expected the worst (even to this extent) for some weeks I had made my decision weeks back, that regardless of what the situation might be (and if at all possible), we will try and make our marriage better. She has broken off contact for several weeks now with him and is understandable emotionally finished. There was a lot of crying on both sides today, and she said that she is really sorry that it happened that way and that she never loved him. She did not expect me to react in that way and was shocked, that I have not become angry about the infidelity. She said, that she can not understand why I would still be with her after what she has done, but even after all what happened I still love her too much.

I am not too sure how everything will work out, but at the moment I feel very strong trying to keep everything together and hope we can together overcome this.

She said, that the other guy has put a lot of pressure on her in the past, and she believes, that he will try and disrupt our family life - after all it his child. I wonder if there is any way to keep him completely out of this.

I know - and this might be naive on my side - that my wife is not the type of character to sleep around - after all she has been faithful to me for nine years and but wonder (and am somewhat worried) how I will be able not just to deal with my wife being unfaithful and then also raising someones elses child. At the moment I am very confused....

I think that both of us want to get on now (easier said than done) and repair the damages done. My worst fear is, that the real father will try everything to disturb our rebuilding and was wondering how we are able to keep him completely out of this....

I am so sorry to have to welcome you here. But, you have come to the right place. What you are going through now is the worst you are going to feel so now there is nowhere to go but up. You'll find a lot of advice, support and comfort here.

First of all, you are experiencing the worst possible thing that can happen to a marriage. And affair is bad enough, but to include a child as a result of the affair into the mix "squares" the pain. There is nothing worse. Nothing.

The stages you will experience over the next year will be confusing because you will go from profound grief to outrage to denial and back again. The stages will shift around and until you get through the grieving part of it and settle into a kind of acceptance where you will be able to think more clearly and finally make some decisions.

The first thing you need to do is begin by reading everything you can on this site, starting with The General Welcome for New Builders Lots of VERY useful information and links there to help you understand this site and the advice you will receive on the forums. Learn the Harley very effective principles and methods for marital and personal recovery. If your W is sincere and determined to make this marriage work, she should begin reading all the material available to rebuild the marriage. Whether or not your W participates in this program of recovery, it is important for you to do so just for your own personal recovery.

If you decide the marriage is worth saving and that you are willing to do what is necessary to rebuild, learning the Harley Principles is the best place to start. There is an Emotional Needs Questionaire that you and your W should fill out and then discuss together. Some strongly suggest you both get into marital counseling with a pro-marriage counselor, preferably someone familiar with the Harley Principles (because these policies really work). Phone counseling is available on this site with the Harleys.

The Rules of Radical Honesty and Rules of Protection along with the Policy for Joint Agreement will help your marriage recovery.

While you are in so much turmoil, you should not make any drastic decisions about anything. Let everything settle down for a while and after you feel you have calmed down enough to think clearly, you can consider some decisions.

Does the OM know your W is pregnant? If he does not know, do not inform him until you and your W have decided (using the POJA) how you plan on handling this situation.

There are several members on this forum that hopefully will be along soon to advise and guide you. A few of the men have remained in their marriages and are currently raising the child with their wives as their own. Some of the women have had their babies and recovered their marriages. It IS possible!!

The hardest thing is the disappointment and confusion over the Betrayal. The shock that someone you love so much is capable of doing something so horrible is something you'll never be able to shake completely. It will get easier in time. I know it is hard to imagine now that there will ever come a time where you won't be agonizing over all this, but you will get through this even if you decide to stay in the marriage as long as your W works the recovery. This is a time for you and your W to re-connect, to talk openly and honestly about what has happened and why it happened, and then to make every effort to re-build your marriage. This is a time for the two of you to concentrate on each other and to find out where your hearts are truly telling you to go.

Check out the list of suggested books that are very helpful to read right after D-Day. Many are available on this site or at your local library. You have two weeks before you go home to read everything you can!! Educate yourself about infidelity and relationships. You won't be sorry!

It is heartbreaking to know that so many women and men share this problem, but at the same time, it gives you hope that recovery is possible. You will learn to laugh again, to love and trust again. But, it will take time and effort . If your W is committed to making the marriage the safe place for you both that it once was, you can move forward.

There are wonderful and caring people on this site. Keep posting and draw from the wisdom and strength of those who have been through this and survived it, and those that are traveling that same road with you. Just know you are not alone and that recovery is possible and that you won't always feel this horrible. It will get better. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

WheretoGo,

Wow, you sound very composed for someone so new to the situation.

Why was you wife alone so much for four years? Are you in the military? That separation can be very hard on a marriage.

Somehow, it seems that husbands have an easier time in this situation than many of us wives have had. Maybe it is because, usually the other man is out of the picture.

You have a lot to think about. In most states the other man (OM) cannot challenge paternity. If the child is born during your marriage he is yours unless you do something to challenge that. That means that if you are willing for forego child support, you can cut this man right out of your lives. (My parents did. I am here because my H had an affair and a child, but also, in part, because I am a child born of my mother's affair. Look for my link to that story at the bottom of my post.)

However, if you do not establish within a year or two that you are not this child's biological father, you will be financially responsible for this child for the rest of your life, whether or not your marriage survives.

I hope that some of our great men stop by your post and offer some better advice than I can.

Welcome to MBers. Hope you find the support you need to make a better marriage.

Blessings,
MJ

Hi everyone,

I am glad that I have found the MB-website, since I have been able to better understand the situation I am currently in. When I saw this type of tragedy happen to other people, I never thought I will ever have to go through something like this.

>> Wow, you sound very composed for someone so new to the situation.
I think part of me is still in denial and disbelief that it happened to me. I think, like many other people on this great forum have mentioned, I will only be able to grasp the whole thing once it really has settled in. It's been some 8 hours since I have found out, and about 2 weeks since I have been assuming that something similar might have happened (although not the pregnancy-part).

>> Why was you wife alone so much for four years? Are you in the military?
I am working in very specialised information-technology sector and back in 2000 we went through major financial problems, I lost the project and we decided, that I had to temporarily go overseas, since locally there were no opportunities. In hindsight this was a big mistake, since the separation put a lot of strain on both of us, but at the same time we had (and still have) a very strong connection.

I suppose that looking at the past, you would have always done things differently.

>> You have a lot to think about. In most states the other man (OM) cannot challenge paternity. If the
>> child is born during your marriage he is yours unless you do something to challenge that.
>> That means that if you are willing for forego child support, you can cut this man right out of your lives.
We will look into this, since getting right of OM will be vital to better get through this.

At the moment I am trying to get as much information from MB to better understand and cope with the current situation. Aside from not being sure how to handle the lost trust in my wife I am also quite worried how I would feel about the pregnancy and the child - since this will be a constant reminder of her breaking my trust - maybe guys on this forum can share how they have overcome this and coped with that.

>> Welcome to MBers. Hope you find the support you need to make a better marriage.
The support has been tremendous in the past few days. It's sad to see so many people going through similar painful situations but as many said already - there is away to reconcile and make everything better.

Wheretogo,

Well, I can give a little insight as to what can happen when you don't have OM involved from this point on. In our case, my H and I didn't tell xOM about the pregnancy(P), and we have been VERY successful in rebuilding our M. My H has never contested paternity, and we have never done a DNA test, as it doesn't matter. Our D is now 3 yrs old, and one of the apples of Daddy's eye!!!! Like you, he was the first to find this site, and the first to post on it as well.

I would encourage your W to post here, to gain the support she will need from those like myself who have been in her position! I am VERY open about my situation, and would welcome the chance to help another who wants to save her M!

My H is in the military, and my A was from similar situations of being seperated for a long period of time(not near the 4 years in your situation, but almost a whole year!). It took me a while to get over my fears of posting on this site, but let me help you in letting your W know that we will ALL support you both, and help in any questions you may have about saving your M, especially during these early times after D-day!

Welcome, and if you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask, no matter how personal you may think they are! If it's too personal, I'll let you know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Tigger

Tigger,

thank you for your post. My wife only found out that she was pregnant 1 1/2 weeks ago. When speaking to her tonight, she told me that she slept only once with him 8 weeks ago (using contraceptives) and has broken of all contacts after this.

When I spoke to her the day she found out, she told me that she something terrible has happened and she "really ****ed up". Initially I feared it was "only an A" and we both agreed not discuss it until I come home (on the 27/6) since she was worried, that I will not come back hearing it on the phone.

As you probably have read from my earlier posts, she broke down this morning and I confronted her with my worst worries. OM already knows, and I wished she would have told me earlier, so that we can both make a decision if we should keep it from him.

I feel quite confident that we have a good chance healing the past, since she feels very sorry what she did to me and she said, that she would fully understand if I file for divorce. She does not love OM and said, that this was her biggest mistake in life and she will try everything to get things right again. I know her very well, somewhat understand how she got into all that and trying my best to come to terms with it. After all I still love her very much - and she confirmed the same to me tonight as well.

Yes, Tigger I would like to ask some questions, since you have had similar experience:
1) How did your healing process go once your H returned? Did you face resentment? What were your worries?
2) How did your H cope with the news?
3) Even though I believe I can love our child just as much as it was my own - I am not sure how I will overcome seeing OC as a constant reminder of my wifes A?

Perhaps I will ask some questions later. I am going to check some legal thing about keeping OM out of all of it (some may argue this is not right - but for now I feel it is the only way to save our M).

wheretogo:

A long time ago (6 years), I was in your situation. My wife was pregnant with the OM's baby, and he knew about the pregnancy.

Although this depends on what laws are on the books in your state, generally when a child is born in a marriage, you are legally the father. That can be challenged---you could do so, for example. But OM's have different legal rights that differ from state to state. The best the OM could hope for is that he would sue for a paternity test. If he were proven to be the father, than he would have the opportunity to contribute child support---and eventually be involved in this child's like. It's probably unlikely that he will choose to do this. The longer he waits after the birth of the child, the harder it will be for him to be granted legal status---and many states will not allow an OM any status after a 2-3 year timeframe.

My advice to you would be to:

1. Strengthen your marriage, and learn to use the Policy of Joint Agreement and Radical Honesty in dealing with this (and all) situations with your wife. If the two of you can come up with a game plan together---you will "win", regardless of what the legal outcome might be. If the OM is trying to "steal" your wife's baby from her---that is, what Harley would call a "lovebuster" of major proportions. My wife's OM did this, and it completely killed off the affair.

2. Begin to get some good legal advice for your situation. Right now, there is very little you can do, because the child is not considered a "legal" entity. Paternity testing can only occur after birth (for establishing legal precident). If you could get the OM to sign an agreement waiving his rights today---it would mean nothing. He would have to do this AFTER the child was born.

We looked into whether to get the OM to relinquish his rights to our child, and then have me adopt the child. Our lawyer was of the opinion that there was no reason to stir the hornet's nest, and spend thousands of dollars to do so. When the child is born, s/he will be considered yours, legally. If the OM is interested in pursuing a relationship, he is legally able to, but at great expense of time and money (if you do not assist him). If you do nothing, it's likely that he will not pursue this.

Work on your marriage, and check the specifics for your state. In that order...

Everyone here has offered some great advice.

I would also add, to facilitate reconciliation between you & your wife......to move as far away as possible and leave OM no forwarding address so that you 2 can raise this child in a stable 2 parent, intact home.

This might seem unfair to OM, yes, but do you want this to continue to intrude into your life forever? I would ask him to terminate his rights legally & you adopt this child as your own, if he acts like he wants to be a part of this then you can let him know that you intend to sue him for CS to the fullest extent of the law.

I would do whatever you need to do to keep your family secure, stable & intact.

But that is just my POV. My H is the one w/ the OC so I am also speaking from a different angle here. But I did grow up w/o my bio dad but had a father that loved me and was there for me before I was ever born. Not from A but teenage pg.

Hope it all works out for you.

<small>[ June 11, 2004, 06:34 PM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>

Wheretogo,

I will attempt to answer your questions, but since our D-day was almost 4 years ago, some of the things(mainly bad feelings) have lessened, and I usually don't like to revisit them if I can help it. I will, however, try in an effort to help you and your W in your recovery.

You asked:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 1) How did your healing process go once your H returned? Did you face resentment? What were your worries? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, it was definately a tough time, and at the time of D-day, we didn't know of the P yet! That discovery came a couple weeks later! That first night was the only time that I didn't sleep in our bed w/H. I slept on the couch, and had MANY nightmares that night! I can't pinpoint the exact date, and it was definately BEFORE we knew of the P, but shortly after D-day, we were already working on our M. H had been reading on this site, and so was already working to impliment some of the principles in hopes of restoring our M.
My worries were very much what your W is going through. I even offered to leave the kids, not fight for them, and find somewhere to live. In otherwords, I wasn't going to fight him if he had wanted a D(divorce). I couldn't for the life of me, understand how he could forgive me something so awful! But, he did forgive me, and we have been getting stronger as the years go by! Don't get me wrong, it didn't happen overnight. It takes work on both sides, and your W's hardest thing to overcome is most likely going to be her own forgiveness of herself for the pain that she's caused!


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 2) How did your H cope with the news? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, at the time of discovery, he went crazy!!! In fact, the military police were called, as xOM attacked H, and we filed an assult on him. But, because of the situation, the military police had to take H to his command, and allow them to release him back home. It took just that one night, seperate but in the same home, for H to want me back in our bed. He did have a pretty hard time during the P and the delivery. But the two days at home, after the delivery, with our other 2 kids, he realized how much he did love me and that he did love Abbi as well! Now, she's definately Daddy's little girl, and it's so special to see the love that these two share!!!!


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 3) Even though I believe I can love our child just as much as it was my own - I am not sure how I will overcome seeing OC as a constant reminder of my wifes A? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Part of what helped with Abbi is she looks just like I do, so there isn't much of xOM in her, if anything at all!!!! But, with that much being said, if you look at this child as a gift from God, and you nurture this child as such, it will be MUCH easier!!!! Our motto for much of that first year was that one that many get sick of but is SO true: God won't give us anything we can't handle. The other one, that was on our screen saver for over a year, was: This is the first day of the rest of our lives! In other words, we aren't living for the past, and what happened in it. We are living for the present, and letting God take care of the future! I don't know where your religous beliefs are, but I can definitly attest to the fact that w/out God, I know that we would not be where we are today!

On a side note, you and your W were on my heart this morning. I wanted to let you know that it seems a VERY similar situation, as the xOM in our situation was trying to get me P for the same reason, in the hopes that H would kick me to the curb!!!! Well, that backfired, and we are much happier now! Take that to heart, and I, again, would invite your W to post here for her own support and encouragement!

Let us know what you find out, legally, and keep us updated!

Tigger,

thank you for yor advice. During the last two days I have found great help and support on MB from many people and could relate to many similar stories and learn from people how the coped through the very same thing I am going through.

I discussed my worries about OM interference in our lives and since my wife has cut him out completely now, and least there will be no interference till the birth of the baby. Unfortunately, the country we are living in, has
different laws than for example in the US. Eventhough I am able to put my name on the birth-bertificate the biological father is still able to contest paternity and be able to be granted visiting rights as well as child-support.

My wife is not too sure how he will feel about it once the child is born, but believes that he will very soon interest. There are still later some legal ways to cut him out (if he contests paternity and then fails to be supportive to the child or refuses CS) - but those are issues we will handle once the time comes and for now focus on putting any thinkable effort into regaining trust and restoring our marriage.

When you mentioned "God won't give us anything we can't handle." I would like to share what I found on MB (could remember how the original poster was), but this really gave me a lot more hope:

>> I am praying and asking .... Why me? Why couldn't we have corrected this before?
>> A small voice said to me the other day "because you were the only one who could handle it. A pain this
>> great -- you were the only one who would fight and not let go -- that if this was the only way to save your
>> marriage, hit the "restart" and "clear" button, then it had to be the person with more strength and staying
>> power -- and here, right now, at this time, to save your marriage, that is YOU."
>> It was solace and comfort -- it let me know that I could handle it, that I was strong enough to handle this ...
>> that is is "why me". It gave me strength.

We still got another 2 weeks until I return home for good and I hope that everything will work out then.

Wheretogo,

Just wondering how things were for you and your W. Wanted to let you know you've not been forgotten! Give us an update when you have the time!

Tigger

Hi,

I have not been to the forum for almost two months. With regards to my situation nothing
positive has really evolved ever since I have been back. Just a few weeks after my return
my wife lost the baby due to a genetical defect. As horrible as it might sound I was somewhat
relieved and hoped that now her not having that biological bond with OM would shift things.

She still loves him and is working together with him and friends on their project and thus
spends plenty of time at their offices. She still loves him and at the same time tells me, that
she loves me. There is very little compassion or closeness between us. Our marriage has become
more like a distant friendship (occassional talk and sometimes a brief kiss) and I am wondering
how long someone can endure this.

I know her loneliness made her choose certain things and changed her drastically. I just hate that
I still care for her that much and still love her - otherwise it would be easy enough to just walk
off.

At this point in time I only find gratification and self-worth in the work I am doing and will
probably focus more on it since my past endevours trying to win her back did not work out. I also
realised today, that it is not so much about me trying to accommodate her and fighting for her, since
she is the one to make the decision.

At times I am so angry at the whole situation, that I could just file for divorce, but too afraid (knowing
that then she will be out of my life forever). Perhaps I am just too impatient and need to wait longer
until she realises what she is about to loose.

WTG. You are right. She has to want to. As far as you. You need to go on w/ your life. If you have done plan a w/o any progress then maybe you should be thinking on Plan b. If you allow her to just be in love w/ the both of you, where does she have to make her mind up? You are better than being second to any other person. We all are! I don't see how people can be truely in "Love" with two people? I just don't. Either you love one and hanging on the the other for the sercurity factor, ex home, money ect. If someone needs two loves in their lives the people in their lives are not filling their voids. Of couse they may not even know which void which one is filling either. If WS is not happy w/ themselves and look for other people to be happy, then they are pretty sad. I'm not too encouraging today but I think everyone has to search their own souls and hearts to see "how much can you take". But to continue in a relationship that is not healthy is not good!. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I hope a pray that soon you will find the happiness that you deserve!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Have not checked out MB for quite some time now. Over the last 6 months I tried to reconcile and hoped that we could save the marriage. Nevertheless the waiting, trying and hoping did not help and we have now started divorce-proceedings. Wife is still with OM and is already talking about marriage - at least I hope it will work out for her (and the sake of our son).

I think over the last few months I have found closure and also realised that overcoming trust been broken would have been a though ride too.

For all of you on MB, don't give your hopes up, either way live must go on and sooner or later you will find the happyness you deserve.

I wish you all a festive season and a better 2005.

WTG,

I am so very sorry that your WW chose to continue her affair with the OM. For what it's worth, the odds are very much against your WW and the OM making it unless they adopt the MB principles and that is highly unlikely. While I don't want to give you false hope, don't be surprised if next year the affair goes belly up because reality is going to start taking back its place with a vengeance. In the meantime, start moving on with your life by getting involved in long neglected activities and meeting new people including women [No, not to have an affair with] so you can start seeing that there is life after a divorce and sometimes a much better one than the one left behind.

TMCM

Hello,

What a very sad story. Reading your original message indicates that she was never truthful to you in the first place when she told you that she was only with him once, used contraceptives, tried to get an abortion, that she never loved him and so forth. Her actions now of course indicate just the opposite. You sound like a really good guy. There are many wonderful women in the world who will love, respect and truly care for you if you allow yourself to open up to them. Your wife was never honest with you about this affair. I know that you are in pain but it does get better and you will find happiness in the future with someone who really deserves you.