My grandma gave me the best book called Forgiveness Therapy and I would like to post a couple of statments that may help people heal.

1.)Forgiveness means bending without breaking, being strong enough to withstand the heavy weight of injury but resilient enough to recover. Be forgiving!

10.) To refuse to forgive is to continue to hurt yourself. Victimized once, your lack of forgiveness keeps you stuck as a victim, holding on to a victim's identity. Instead, claim the identity of one who forgives.

19.) No loving relationship is free of hurts. Bind up the wounds of love with forgiveness.

24.) Forgiveness may seem futile when you see no immediate results. But healing and growth are like fine aged cheese or wine--not instant mash potatoes. Give forgiveness time.

Last one for today:

25.) No one can make you feel bad. You have the power to choose between getting bitter and getting better. Take responsibility for your feelings; claim your power.

More to come later......

Personally, I'm still far from true forgiveness. I forgive one day and then don't the next, it depends on the triggers of the day in general. Maybe thats normal. I KNOW the total hate I felt for OW and WH and I don't feel it anymore but I do hate the differences in MY life because her child exsists, finacially and emotionally, which has been my biggest obstacle to forgive. I've got to stop reading on STOW board, there is actually one "lady" bragging about having an extra grand at the end of month! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I would rather have a good father for my kids than money any day of the week. Ok back to my forgiveness book..........

My definition of forgiveness is, the situation or whatever no longer has the same effect. I can think about it without getting upset, angry etc..

I will never forgive OW. She is mean, cruel and vindictive. She got pregnant on purpose to try and keep WS, not once but twice. (Right after WS and I planned to get back together she's conveniently pg.). Even if the A hadn't happened I would never like this woman. I hate her for reasons that don't have anything to do with WS. I'm working on forgiving WS.

TOW site is sick. They think destroying someone else's life is justified because they are selfish and arrogant. One day they will know what it is like to hurt and will end up here.

I've forgiven both dh and the kooze. However, where I KNOW that dh feels horrible for the pain he caused, the kooze has always only been out for herself. I will ALWAYS not like her because her outlook on life is SO different than mine that I don't think we'll ever see eye to eye.

I am a person who can see my own actions in a MACRO-scope - I can see the ripples that my decisions make. The kooze cannot see past her own id and ego, and therefore only takes into account only her own little world, never realizing that everyone's actions affect others. While I understand her thought processes, I cannot comprehend any adult behaving that way on a regular basis, and never have been able to.

I refuse to let HER behavior drag me down. I choose to treat her with generosity and kindness - even tho she doesn't understand it (and she really doesn't - she expects me to be mean to her and spew venom - because that's what she'd do). And you know - in itself, the generosity and kindness are the BEST revenge. I know it sounds very odd, this kindness/revenge stuff....but I feel better for it, and it gives her NO ammunition....infact, I think the kinder I am, the more she realizes what a huge mistake she's made.

Sometimes, tho, it takes all the strength in the world to not let her have it (lmao)....Lamaze training helps SO much for me then - deep breath in, exhale slowly, then speak. The times I have spoken to her, I always treated her with respect and kindness - which is more than she (obviously) afforded me - but every time she comes across as defensive, I then diffuse it with courtesy and we hang up with her being contrite. (hehe)

I don't think that'll work with everyone's kooze, but it sure as heck works with mine.


- Kimmy

Thank you for the book suggestion. I am going to look for it and read it.

I can totally appreciate what you are saying and feel the same way. I have gotten to the point where I have forgiven the 'people' involved, but those lingering affects........bug the HECK! out of me and trigger me just like you are saying.

I'm tired of rearrangng my life for OW so that we can be there for OC. It's not gonna last much longer, that much I know for sure!

KT,

That sounds like a good book I need it. Who is the author? That is smy problem i am holding on to the anger by not truly forgiving, and i am growing more bitter each day. I do not want to be this person, but it has almost consumed me. I can have a wonderful time with H and then 20 minutes later i can remind him of the pain he has caused me.

Daily, this has taken over my whole personna. I am not even the same person anymore. i need to learn how to forgive him so I cam get past it. I nedd the power to forgive because my life is not happy right now and I don't see a positive future. All I think about is ending the M as soon a possible. I am not sure he's worth it all I can think about is it happening again, and looking like a fool, or this child causing problems for the rest of my life.

It is a daily battle, and I am losing, royally. No spa treatment has taken that away it just deflected it for a while. But thanks for those lines they are encouraging - sometimes i think that i am beyond help and can't take the pain of knowing that another woman is pg with my h child.

i don't want to ramble so i need the author's name it you will - please.

JT

I told husband that I forgive him. Yet I still feel anger, and pain when triggered by his contact with OW. I still feel anger that he did not use protection and exposed me to danger of STD's as well as financial liability of a baby for 18 years if I choose to stay with him. So do you mean to say I have not truly forgave him?

To forgive is to let go. What makes H so worthy of forgivness and not the OW? (Boy I'm going to get it for that one) But truly, forgiveness is for all your enemies, not just one! Jesus forgave paul, david, everyone, did he forgive Judus, YES. Its not just for the chosen few. But you deal w/ your anger and pain that they cause you different and forgiveness will come. And how many times do you forgive your enemies? Forever and ever. Like I said some of ourt enemies it will take longer for us to forgive, but when you do, it will bring you soooo much closer to where God wants you to be. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D
Delighted that he forgave me !
Delighted he has given me a forgiving spirit
Delighted that vacation is in 8 days !!!!

Oh but Sunny - while I can forgive the (ahem) OW, it doesn't mean I'll forget OR that I'll ever turn my back on her again (for fear the next knife she slips in will end it all).

It IS so much easier to forgive the ones that are truly repentant - it's SO much harder to forgive the ones that refuse to admit/acknowledge the wrongness of the choices they make.

But you're right on - it makes going on with my own life ever so much fulfilling and easy. But I know it's a bridge that you can only cross when you're ready to. No amount of telling others in the world about how cathardic and releasing it is will sink in until they are ready for it.

- Kimmy