I thought things were going to be ok.

OW was ignoring our emails about where to p/u OC on Thursday for the start of our new summer schedule. So I just had H call her today & ask her point blank where we would p/u from. She answered like nothing.

whatever. I was a little ticked but let it go.....gave her the benefit of the doubt that maybe she wasn't working to see the emails.(but I knew she was!)

WELL!!!!!!I was wrong & I was right!

Just got an emaill from her addressed to my H that 'reminds' him that he and ONLY he can p/u or drop off OC AND that HE will be doing ALL the driving to p/u & drop off OC ALL summer! AND that the daycare center would ONLY release OC to him.

NONE of this is the court ordered agreement. It clearly states that whoever is getting her picks her up & that any family member can get her (including me!).

She is playing games here. I responded......how could I not? That what was up w/ her games. That she can't just change the agreement. AND that ALL communication will continue to go through me even if she addresses the email to my H!

That wench! I am so mad right now! I think I will call her myself and tell her what is up w/ the games!

<small>[ June 14, 2004, 09:36 PM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>

KT (((((HUGS)))))))))) She must be a RNB too! But if you have papers then I would just go and p/u the OC. If she doesn't have papers stating that only H van p/u then I would just go. Shes tring to get a rise like they all do, but you are soooooo much more woman than that. She wants you to give up. She wants the OC to think her F abandon her. Read TOW they dont want us to be a family w/ their children. They want someone to harrass and get under their skin, cause guess what. They weren;t worthy of marring, or leaving their wives. Hello, they are what they are and until they find God thats all they will be. God makes you great and I know of a ton of people you have helped and we rely on you. So does this OC, your children and your H!. Girl, you are so much better than her getting a rise out of you. Show her!! Get the papers, call the attorney and go get her!!! Don;t fuss w/H. He knows what a screw up she is now. And how lucky he is to have a loving, caring, mother and wife like you. XOXOX
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

KT - give the daycare a copy of the court order - not the whole thing, but the part about picking up and that ANYONE can pick up - including you. They HAVE to abide by that. Good luck. She's playing games, and that's not fair to the child.

I'm calm, cool & collected!

I was thinking the same thing...about the CO, the daycare center does not know that it is not enforceable. AND she is so stupid! OW & H have JOINT CUSTODY so he can just call any time & give permission for anyone he wants to p/u OC!

I didn't call her, but I did reply in the email. Just told her what was up w/ the games?, that she knows very well what the summer schedule is & that p/u & drop offs will be by whoever is responsible to have her, ie: SHE will p/u OC when OC is to be back w/ her. Reminded her that the order states that ANY family member can p/u & transport OC. OH! & I let her know that ALL communication will still go through me whether she addresses the emails to my H or not!!!!!!

She won't read it until she gets back to work tomorrow anyway!

But better than calling her STOW @$$, I just called the therapist! heehee! Asked her if she had spoken to OW by herself again, yet, said she had & that OW told her what happened last week (after the dr. appt. & how we got upset that it unexpectantly took sooo long! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> puhhhleeze!)

I explained that what we were upset about was OW saying SHE would drop off OC & then calling us to come & pick up OC! Explained that we had plans & that when I say the instability that this is causing my family------THIS is what I am referring too! OW last minute changes that ALWAYS happen. And that I knew it was not an ER visit, it was an optional one & that is why I wrote (afterward to OW)for OW not to schedule ANYTHING during our time again.....to avoid these stupid things!

Of course therapist was like, oh she didn't tell me THAT part! yah duh!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Man, if someone would take bets on what OW will do & what she tells the therapist---------I would be a gazillionairre!!!!!!!!! I can predict her to a T!!!!!!

Therapist said that we (all of us) need to learn to just let these 'misunderstandings' roll off of us........that's when I explained what REALLY happened......and that we did do that...which is why we agreed to that particular instance in the first place AND why we just stopped the arguement over the phone & told OW to just 'keep OC'.

We will get more into it w/ therapist next week.

Today my H said......FORGET IT! He has had enough of the games, pettiness, disruption & down right nastiness of OW & her utter disregard of our family ect! (uh hello!?)

I told him lets just take this week w/ OC, then speak to therapist next week, when we are all calm. THEN if that really is IT, @ least OC will have a GREAT last memory of us, enjoying her siblings birthday's ect.

I am NOT letting OW off that easy! I DO care about OC, no matter what any one says or thinks of BW! I would be happy to end C @ any time if I think it will benefit my family (which @ this point I think it would) BUT it will not be a hasty emotional decision!

This will be a well thought out & PRAYED over decision! Believe me!

I wish I could be more like niosgirl & just kill her w/ kindness!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> too fiesty for that I think!!!!!
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Now I'm off to sew a darling party dress for my beautiful daughter's 2nd birthday party which she won't even remember or appreciate & I'll be all stressed about it getting ruined! LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

edited to add: PS: I changed teh title, sorry if anyone was offended....I should be better than that!

<small>[ June 14, 2004, 09:40 PM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>

KT - I'm so sorry. Sounds like OW got a major booger up her butt. Ours does that too sometimes. I'll send up a flare prayer for you all!

- Kimmy

KT,

Hugs & prayers to you & your family, like you said stay calm, dont' make any hasty decisions & pray before acting. OW wants exactly the opposite reaction from you, to get upset, excited, argue & make a rash decision out of anger. You are better than that & smarter than OW, with her childish school girl games.

Keep praying, God will lead you in the right direction, the direction HE would have you to go.

Kt,

You are so much better than she is. Please keep your cool and know that she is only trying to push your buttons. She can not find any other way to come between you and your H so she in turn upstes you by using the child. STOW has no clue what is like to be a real mother or wife - so she lashes out at the person who has what she wants - YOU!!

As stupid as we know that it is she thinks that in some way she is entitled or is right. But little does she know that you have GOD on your side along with your H - So you can give her the best fight of her life. Take you time hunny and be blessed for you will indeed have double blessings for listeniong to what God has told you to do for your family.

Take care of yourself and PRAY PRAY PRAY!!!!


JT

Has anyone seen that movie Big Fish (it's pretty good by the way). Well, anyway, helena bonham carter's character makes a point (she attempted to get involved w/ the the main character {ewan mcgregor} but he denied her {hooray!} saying he was married) that she wanted to be more important than his son but then realized/knew that she never would be. (since
he denied being w/ her)

Well, I thought that was interesting because I have always felt like the OW in my life has done things to try & make my H 'choose' her and/or OC over me and/or our kids.

Like NOT exchanging scheduled time when BC #1 had activities or school events that coincided w/ visitation & the crap about trying to force H to do all the driving, transporting and purposefully trying to exclude me. (even yesterday trying to enforce that same kind of crap)

Obviously, she was hoping my H would choose her, that's why she willingly got involved in A. Then being pg, really thought he would choose her & OC. So since neither of those things happened, she tries to make H 'choose' yet again by pulling this kind of crap.
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Well, girls, I am tired of it. Tired of fighting. Tired of trying to 'defend' my position & role in this situation. Tired of trying to be a good & stable role model for OC & my own children. I don't care any more. I don't like the person I have become any more.

So, like the total freak that I am........I spoke to H today and let him know that I will never ever bring this up again. It's pointless really. H is tired of hearing it, just wants every one to be happy, doesn't want me to be unhappy, to be stressed out or angry.

Which i completely understand. I used to be that lovely person------BEFORE C w/ OC began. We were moving on w/ our lives and making plans for the future.

Now, I don't know where we are anymore. I KNOW & H KNOWS I will not end this marriage while I still have minor children. I think that he tends to take advantage of that but I am going to think of it more as his security, he can be his complete self (negative or positive) because he is so secure in our marriage.

Good for him. I am not. I have no security in my life.

But back to my freaky self.......so I have decided that I will never ever discuss this again, AND OW can have her selfish way. If OW wants to exclude me and/or my children, force my H to choose, which he NEVER will, then I will make the choice. She can rob my children of time w/ their father, she can rob me of time w/ my H. I don't care. I will now gladly GIVE it to her. I am controling this situation by not trying to control it myself. I'm giving it over to THEM!

H can do ALL the p/u & d/o himself, I'm not gonna fight over it. He can handle all the communication, I don't care. She can pretend all she wants and think & feel like she has a special bond w/ him because she gave birth to a child that was created from his sperm.......so what! I don't care. I have tried to be a part of this, I have been supportive of EVERYTHING!

The only BOND here is w/ me! When H & I PLANNED our children. Conceived, not in secret deception, but in love, together, rejoiced over by EVERYONE! The BOND was when he drove me to the hospital and was THERE w/ me, to witness our children's birth! The BOND was when I & our first son both almost died when he was born 6.5 weeks early and weighed less than 4 lbs! The BOND was when H cried w/ joy to see our 2nd son born, after every thing we had gone through! The BOND started the day we met & began our whirlwind romance, filled w/ passion AND love and that BOND was sealed 10 months later when that ring was placed on my finger, vows were spoken and yes, a piece of paper was signed! That is the definition of a BOND!

It was never a 'court order'. I never had to force my H to stay w/ me, never tried to coerce him, never had to take him to court to provide for us. She can have her CS, her visitation 'schedule' and if she wanted she could even have my H! But he won't do it. He doesn't want THAT. Never has. All she will EVER get is what I GIVE her!

So ok, I am giving it to her, she wins! Even though she is a total loser. I will GIVE her what she wants-----everything her way! I will tolerate this for the next 12 years, I will put on a happy face & to all appearances I will continue to act like the happy & loving wife. I am a very talented actress, after all. I can do this easily. Then when all is said & done, I will hope that I will have bought into this load of crap somewhere along the way!
********
I wish I could move to 'Stepford'!!!!! Or @ least be replaced by some body-snatchers! Where's an invasion when you need one?
********

All this 'encouragement' & words to the wise are just that.......shallow words. Words you WANT to hear. You are hoping that it all works out & that you can survive and your marriage will survive so we all tell you that. Otherwise, what is the point? Maybe if C is not established, you can survive w/ your marriage.

Those that are telling you what you refuse to listen too.....the ones that tell you that you will be better off if NC is the choice---------they are telling you the truth.

People do not change & if they miraculously do-------it will be by no will of yours. I can't change OW, I can't change my H. I knew that. I know that. I have always known that. So what was I thinking? Why was I trying & fighting so hard against something I KNOW is a FACT! I might as well have been trying to make a cow grow wings!!!! I was so stupid!

I stupidly thought OW had changed & wanted OC to have a father. I stupidly thought H & I could be strong & fight long & hard enough that OW would just accept it, she would just HAVE too! Nope I was totally wrong.

She tried to rob my son of a father & me of a H. She may not want my H but she is still trying to rob my son of a father (& now my other kids) and ruin any chance I have of an intact marriage.

That is why she said those things to my son last year. Like in the movie-------she KNOWS she was never more important than my son to my H AND she is very angry over that. The only thing, the only power she has is to strike out against my children in the only ways she can------hurting them w/ her words & trying to steal their time from him!

She is a selfish B! But this is it. I will make the most of these next 16 years until my youngest is grown & that is it. If God wants to change my heart or my H, then great but that's it. I'm planning for my future. I know how fast time flies, we all know & before we know it, I will blink & it will be here.

My focus is my kids & doing the best for them. I am no longer going to share (or feed) my unhappiness & disappointment about this w/ anyone. It's over. Maybe everyone else will be surprised by my actions but not my H. He knows. He can enjoy this life, he can continue to get everything he wants and he better enjoy it too.

It WILL come to an end. So live this life and enjoy it right now, before you know it, it WILL be OVER. Then it's for ME.

I am gonna hold all of this IN & everyone will be happy and I will be saving & planning & getting prepared for MY big day.

I swear!

God knows you have fought the good fight. That you are the moral compass of this mess. That you are the worthwhile mother and she is a trollop of no redeeming value at all.

I say kudos to you. If I were in the position you are in right this minute I would ask for no contact. I would look my husband straight in the eye and say "this is not working for me, or my children, I want all contact with ow/oc to end"

With what you have gone through, you have tried, YOU have not failed. It just isn't working and is the nature of the beast. This is a classic example of what contact is and does to a family.
It simply is not worth your childrens childhood.

I bet if you told him that, he would agree and this would be over. Ok, now everyone is going to freak about what this will do to the oc. Well, this is part and parcel of what happens. Your hurt, tired and angry. Your children are living in this mess, the stress is crazy, sounds like your husband is sick of it. End contact. It will be what is best for YOUR marriage, YOUR children and YOU. Afterall, they are the most important in your life. You have done all you can.

KT, you are so dang sweet and nice. I read your messages and am so impressed with your goodness. Lord I would have never considered having contact, let alone go to therapy with ow. You are such a great woman. But honey, you have to give it all up. Your marraige, kids and future are not expected to be sacrificed for the oc. You have done all you can, let it all go. Stop contact. It is what is best for YOU and YOUR kids and marriage. And ultimately, you owe it to them and yourself to find peace and harmony. Go for it and you will be happier.

Stop contact and see how quickly you all heal and are happy again.

Take care sweetie.

Don't know what to say except I feel for you and your kids. I think that after having contact that it may be hard to do NC. Seems like if you do NC it would be easier to do it from the beginning.

You will do what your heart tells you to do and I don't envy you being in this position. I feel that if my H and I stay together and we did C it would be like this--how mature can a 21 year old be who got pregnant on purpose--like she really cares about being civil to do what is the best for the child.

Anyway just wanted to give you a big ((((HUG)))) and tell you that you are an amazing person and I have great respect for you.

What you've gone through would be exactly what I would have gone through had Mr.T chosen contact.
his ex-ow is really weird like that. Of course, my kids would keep me from going to prison, because I would not have tolerated as much as you have.

Reading the hell that you and others have gone through only reinforced the fact that we've chosen wisely for our situation.

Much hugs to you---
Twiisty

Kt I'm so sorry for you pain. ((((HUGS)))))) I've learned more from you than anyone. I can say that I am scared of the contact issue now. If you couldn't make it work, then I would be hard pressed to say its going to work for us. What is with these women who scream "child needs a father" and not wanting to work things out for everyone to be raising "healthy" children. Are they just doing it for the money and want the fathers to go away? I just dont know anymore. They where ok w/ part time lovers and not ok w/part time daddy's? KT you are heavy on my heart and I hope God can put his arms around you and give you peace and comfort. I know that it probally doesn't help you much right now, but if you cross your arms and squeeze hard, there is a hug from a posting buddy who really looks up to you and holds you to the highest. God has a special place for you!!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D
Delighted that I met you KT
Delighted that you inspire so many

kt~

I think ow is trying to get what she's always, (or at least for a long time), wanted--NC between OC and you all.

You guys need to do what you need to do for your M and family. I hope OC can remain a part of your family, but only you know how much more you can take. You shouldn't "hold it all in" though. That's a disaster waiting to happen.

What did you mean by waiting 16 years, and that's it...and also my "big day"? I can guess, but I may be way off, (and no...I don't mean that you'd have an A). They sound hauntingly familar though. I hope you're not coming over to the dark side.

God can't change your heart without your consent. It's that pesty little thing called freewill, remember?

~ad

kt-

Have you ever tried throwing a bucket of water on OW to see if she melts away like the wicked witch she is? Might be an easy solution.

Seriously, don't let this OW come between you and your H. You have worked so hard to rebuild your marriage - your happily ever after. Do not let her come between you. Whatever you do, you do together. Have a heart to heart with H and decide together once and for all what is best for your family. OW is trying to divide and conquer you two. Do not let her succeed by leaving this whole thing to H and her to decide. If you drop out of the picture, she is one step closer to her goal. Decide together - if its NC - then let OW think she has won. We all know the truth. You win - you have your H, you have your happiness, you have your family. She will be doing nothing but taking away OC's family from her. In the end, OC will see this and OW won't be laughing then. If you decide to continue C, don't let OW get away with this crap. Stand up to her and reclaim your life. OW only has as much control as you allow.

Just my thoughts.

Take care of yourself and your family.

KT,

Girl you are a powerful and wonderful woman. i do not blame you for the thought of ending contact at this point you know that it is not going to do anything but get worse!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I know you want what is best for your family, and having this craziness going in tyour house is desruptive to your kids. They are living in your H sins. They are not being able to enjoy the family life that he vowed them to have. I agree it is time to end contact. Surely your H will see this to because he is upset by her tactics. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I know that it will not be hard for you but OW/OC have a life to live. God does not wnat your family to be unhappy. I have come to the conclusion that yes OC was here for a reason but that does not mean the reason was to interfere with your life. God may have given her what she wanted and needed - he does not mean for your family to suffer the consequence. OW has to take responsibility for that. And H needs to be sure to remember that that is not his place either. His is with you and your since you guys took the vows. God does work in many different ways but know that her punishment maybe a life with OC alone - someone has to pay for this adulterous act. The people who are involved one on one are the people who mmust pay for the sin. your H will pay if NC is decided by not being involved with the child and OW will pay by having to deal with what she asked for alone. So you see I think you have gone way over what you were suppose to do in this situation but I want to commend you for the effort but it might be time to letit go and let them deal with it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thank you - do you see how wise Ihave become because of the things you've said to me(HA-HA)! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Love You JT

PS read my post need help also!

killing her w/ kindness!
killing her w/ kindness!
killing her w/ kindness!
except she just won't die!

Where's that damned fairy godmother when you REALLY need her?

My magic wand is on the fritz this week too!
It only seems to work when I ask for trouble!?!

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Let me pose this question then........

Is it fair to end C w/ OC just because it's what OW wants?

??????????????????????????????????????????????????

I feel like we are failing OC because we are giving in to OW antics of trying to push us away.

But, I guess I have to think of it as......OW is going to continue to try and hurt our family UNLESS we give her what she wants right?

Fair for who?

What you need to do is decide for yourselves what is best for your M, and family. If the decision is to end C, who cares if by doing so the OW gets her way?

If she's as flaky as you describe, once she hears you all are ending C, she'll likely change her tune and say she does want C. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

As far as failing OC or not, I think she will be hurt no matter what the reasonings for NC are. For now at her young age, all she will know is there is NC.

HIJACK!!! Just for a minute to say HI to AD.

I'm with KT about feeling like you are letting OC down because you can provide better for them etc then OW--I struggle myself with that NC is easier but is it fair to OC.

I'm with AD though that ultimately it is your org. family that matters.

You know what? You are absolutely RIGHT!

I know the answer, I have known the answer.
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I wish that WOULD happen, that OW would change her tune when we say NC, but since it IS what she wants......I know the new tune she will play.....

It will be the, "I won't force any one to do anything they don't want to do." tune! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> (but funny that she didn't think that about CS!)

But yet, all she has done this entire time, is try to FORCE us to make this all about HER!
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I know I am going against everything I wrote a few posts back......I just CAN'T keep this to myself......as hard as I try! I can put on a good act, but I can't help but be myself w/ H! But @ least I'm not so irrationally emotional------just point blank numb! like nothing.

But I am keeping it from affecting me so much personally.

I even tried to talk to OW today, over the phone. Tried to reason w/ her. Kept the focus on OC & what is best for OC.

OW made it clear what her issues are. She totally wants this to be something BETWEEN her & H, me excluded. I knew that already.

I told her that I was sorry if she had issues or problems w/ me but this is how it is. She said she didn't have any issues w/ me. I said, "oh good, I'm so glad, then you should have no problem communicating through me or w/ me." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I was calm, cool & collected. I could hear OW voice shaking & she was talking slow and trying to remain calm. I'm glad she was shook up for once.

She's trying to force H to "take responsibility"...WTHECK? I thought working full time to pay CS & provide for the rest of your family AND consistenly having your daughter %40 of the time WAS being responsible. She's an idiot!

So OW says H is NOT being responsible because he is not the one writing in the log book or p/u OC? That's funny---------because NEITHER IS OW!!!!!!!!HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I should have told her THAT! L-O-L!!!!!!!