Hi,
I'm new to the forum and would appreciate any helpful feedback. I have been with my Gambian husband for 10 years. We live in England. In January this year he went back to his home country (Gambia) for 4 months to build a home for his mum. Last year he went to The Gambia in February and November. I wanted to go Feb 2003 but I couldn't get the time off work. When he came back last Feb after 3 and a half weeks I had just finished a contract in Brussels. He didn't seem any different, he was friendly and loving. In April last year we went through a terrible period after our car was stolen from the house by a conman. I think we both still blame each other for this. It took me weeks to get an insurance payout. I also had a 2 month spell inbetween jobs.When my husband came back from The Gambia in November after a 2 week break he told me that he didn't want a part of our house in England any more. He wanted his share of the house profits so that he could help his mum. I got very angry and we had a huge fight. I started the punching and kicking and eventually he punched me in the face. I had a black eye for 3 weeks. This is the second time in 10 years that he hit me. The first was years ago. I noticed that from April? he started to get condescending and sarcastic on occasion. He seemed to criticize me constantly, nothing I did was right. I felt that I was always last on his list. Whilst he was away this year I almost felt relieved to have the space and be able to relax. Normally I'm the cleaner, the secretery, the accountant, business advisor etc. I've had to help him a lot as although his English is good, it's not his first language and he's spent most of his life in The Gambia. I always check his email for him with his permission as he forgets and the account gets closed! Whilst he was away I saw a couple of strange emails from his friends, both mentioned babies! In The Gambia there's lots of kids and little privacy but it still seemed strange. I told him over the phone that his friend was asking whether the baby was keeping him awake at night! He told me he didn't know whose that was and that his friend must have meant his dad's new baby, as the houses are very close together. I noticed that he barely called during those 4 months and never once said that he missed me. When he arrived back I met him at the airport and took the following day off work. Everything seemed okay until exactly a week later. He told me that he'd something to tell me and that it wasn't very nice! I told him that I think I know, you have another wife in The Gambia and a baby. He told me that he wasn't married but was with a girl and that they have a four month old baby together! He told me that the baby was his and that he didn't want the child to die or suffer. The woman is very poor and lives in a terrible place. He said that his mum and uncle were very unhappy about the situation (sex without marriage is taboo in Gambia) and that they want him to marry he girl. He's a muslim but told me that he would never marry another woman! He said that he will marry the girl(second wife, I'm the first) and move her into the home in Gambia. He said that it was a mistake but he believes he's a good person! I couldn't sleep that night for crying. He'd said that he'd understand if he couldn't stay in the house with me. The next morning I calmly told him that I couldn't sleep and thought it would be better if he left. When he got back from work I was upset and sinking a tall Chivas Regal to dull the pain. I was crying on the floor and he said that he couldn't stay when I was like this. He asked if I was ok then left. The days after this I got furious and kept shouting down the phone that he needed to take the rest of his things, not come to the house when I'm in, hand back the keys and pay the money I lent. I moved his stuff into the garage and he has now taken almost all. I can't be the old wife! I wasn't sure whether he'd been screwing other women too but after various conversations I now believe that it was just this one and a first affair/ one night stand or whatever. He has never apologised and once told me that he likes the girl/woman. Last week I spent 5 and a half hours in a clinic having tests to make sure I hadn't caught anything and was in tears at work the following day. This week I was talking to a good mutual friend. My husband has told him very little at all. I found out that his mum doesn't like the girl. His friend told me that he was living with the girl in Gambia this time. I was very upset then angry when I found out as my husband told me that he had to move quickly to move the girl into his house in Gambia. He didn't tell me that they'd already been living as a family. I phoned him the following day to ask whether it was true, but he became hostile and sarcastic. The call ended with me screaming like a mad person that I'll take him to court over the money. He has said before that he will pay me so I'll try to be patient. When I got to work I fell to pieces. I feel fine at the moment. I only found out about the woman and baby on May 18th, the week after he returned from The Gambia. I knew we had problems but didn't expect this.I'm going through every emotion but mostly anger. I am going to try to avoid phoning him for as long as possible as I can't control myself. I haven't seen him since he moved out but know where's he's living. He's moved back to a different town. I don't want him back after the treatment I've had over the past one year to 18 months. He has no respect for me at all and doesn't seem to have any feelings for me although I'm sure he did once. I don't know what happened. I need to keep an eye on him as he owes me money but I need to move on. There's no point in living with someone who doesn't love me. During one of my calls he shouted that he did it because he wasn't happy with me. I've done so much for him but he doesn't appreciate it and I doubt whether he ever will. I don't understand. I think that everyone who knows him is shocked too.

I am very sorry that you find yourself here. It sounds as if decisions have already been made by both you & your H.

Do you have any children together?

I am a little confused, does your H want to stay married to you & get married to this OW?

Any how, it sounds like his mind is made up since he has already been living w/ & creating a home for this OW & baby.

You will feel plenty of emotions. I am glad that you went and got tested for STDs right away. I think many are so caught up in the emotional aspects that they forget the medical ramifications that this can also cause. Be sure to get tested regularly for a few years, some stds do not show up until years later & are more detrimental to women than men, over all.

We can all relate to your anger. You are wise to avoid any C w/ your H right now while emotions are running so high.

So you may have been having some problems in your marriage & you may have even been responsible for some of them but that is no excuse to betray a vow & cheat on your spouse. This is not your fault.

Your H could have made better choices. He could have tried to help repair the problems in the marriage or he could have already ended it by divorce. There is never any excuse for cheating.

The process that a person goes through when they find out a spouse has cheated is very simliar to that of the grieving process a person goes through when a loved one dies.

Take care of yourself right now.

If there is any hope for your marriage, then you 2 should start marriage counseling right away. If not, then you might want to start some counseling for your self.

Try to get some rest, take walks get out in the fresh air. Doing some sort of physical excercise will help keep your mind clear & focused. It will help you gain some emotional stability too.

We're here for you.
You are welcome to vent here whenever you want.
Let us know what else you need.

Thank you for your reply. No, we don't have any kids. We've always spent a lot of time working & helping people out. My husband is a muslim & thinks that he can have his cake & eat it. He wanted to remain with me in England whilst having the new woman & baby in The Gambia. He didn't tell me about her until he'd been back a week. He still thought it was fine to sleep with me! I will have to take a 2nd HIV test in August. He doesn't seem to take the STD tests seriously & got angry when I told him that he should get tested. A mutual friend who is also from the Gambia told me that he was shocked and scared when he found out that she was pregnant. He would have been a good catch for her as anyone working in the West is seen as wealthy whether they are or not. She is poor, probably not been to school and will be totally dependant on him. Few Gambian women work. My friend tells me that she more than likely will have been trying her very best to get pregnant & probably didn't matter who with as long as they were from 'The West'. He seems to have decided to make a commitment to her but told me that he wasn't married to her. Some of his relatives will probably have pushed him into marriage though as sex without marriage is a big sin in The Gambia. I think that this started out as a quick fling that went badly wrong but has become emotional after his recent visit. Regardless of how much they might love each other he has really messed up big time. He will manage but he'll have plenty of struggles as I normally take care of most things and have always been the main breadwinner. He is terrible with money, I have heavy debts because of him. A lot of people in The Gambia rely on him but they will have to be disappointed. If she is anything like most of the uneducated and ignorant ones she will be making plenty of demands for stereo systems, food mixers, expensive lace material, gold jewellery etc etc. They can drive you nuts, that's the reason I haven't ventured out there for some time. Hope I don't become racist. I haven't been able to have a holiday for a couple of years and I'm thinking that maybe I should just take the plunge & take a break in Thailand & do some diving. I love to travel. I have huge debts but I do manage them well & I'm lucky that I earn good money. I will have to give him the benefit of the doubt over whether he starts to repay the money he owes. I've started monitoring the account he uses and see he's struggling but he hasn't been back in England long.

So what do YOU want?

I absolutely think you should take a nice looooong holiday. Pamper yourself.

You sound very strong & independant so maybe it would be best to cut your losses & enjoy the rest of your life.

Do you WANT to stay married to him?

Right now I'm learning how to do so serious pampering! I love him very much but I can't accept the way he's treated me. I'm definately not up for being the old first wife. Whatever happens happens. I will plough on but try my best to chill & have some fun. I haven't spoken to him in over a week & right now I don't want to hear a single word. I would really like for him to understand what he's done one day. In the meantime, I have to get on with living, with or without him. Everything will be fine.

I've decided to stop all contact with my husband. I haven't spoken to him for 10 days. I don't think I want to hear ANYTHING he might have to say. Maybe it will give him a chance to think about everything. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Keep reading... I guess you're jumping straight to Plan B read more about it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> big hugs* Most of here are betrayed spouses and is dealing with it. It's hard at the begining but it gets easier and you somewhat becomes numb..and get a chance to step out of all the pain and look at things logically. Anyways, No contact for you seems great...in order to preserve the love you have for your husband. Would his marriage be recognized in England? Anyways, seems like he wants to have you both..... most wayward spouses usually want both.. see you're his sole provider, his woman.. his old lady.. and the new girl is his hot mama..but that will wear off...most do. ANyways keep up NO CONTACT...party hard.. then you will calm down enough to see things a bit clear.. but expect the Roller coaster.. you might go from good to bad days.. but its better than total darkness!
hey I'm in Brussels....a bit closer to you than most here hehehe so I'm sending waves of huggs((((((()))))))) You'll be alright.

One & All. I just got back from Cuba. I had a fantastic time & made a lot of friends with local people out there. It was beautiful. I also spent a delicious night of bike travel, rum, salsa dancing & rather more with a very handsome 24 year old black cuban. He was so hot! The best! To all you ladies out there, I say go to Cuba & have some fun. I was sad when I left but haven't stopped smiling since I returned! Nada mas con el marido. I definately don't want that cheating *** back. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />