This whole nightmare is new to me... help!!! Husband finally admitted to an affair that he was having with OW at work that went on for a year and a half. I had confronted him on more than one occasion but of course they lie and lie and lie... the only reason why he had finally admitted to it was because he caught herpes... this was in december. (God is an awesome God, I do not have it...) background... been together 14 years, married 9, 2 beautiful daughters and for some crazy reason I believe God is going to fix him. We went home to his parents in december and were working on things, he had ended this in october and when we came back from holiday, he "relapsed" and slept with her in january... she's pregnant. He at one point had planned on leaving the girls and I and they had talked about having kids so this wasn't exactly an accident. I know she did this on purpose... I HATE HER... yes I wish she would just choke on something and die and this whole mess would go away... I know that is wrong but I am so angry I can't even see straight. I don't want anything to do with OW/OC!!! I am also angry with H, he had just as much to do with this as she did... he also admitted that he told her that he loved her. He was forced to make a decision and decided to stay with me and try to make this marriage work... I do wonder if it was the lesser of 2 evils.... Help... does it get any easier??? Is it possible to even survive this?

<small>[ June 15, 2004, 11:51 PM: Message edited by: mitchelle ]</small>

I am also angry with H, he had just as much to do with this as she did...
UH, he had MORE to do with this than she did. After all, she is not married to you and she didn't take vows with you.

Read the links below.

<small>[ June 16, 2004, 09:54 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

M, I'm so sorry for your pain. T'm glad you found this web site and we are here to listen and support you. We can talk to you about our situations and what is, and not working for us. You and H have to commit to making the M work and its best to find a marriage Counc. Have you talked to H about no contact w/ the OW or OC? I'm new also. so I really cant tell you as much as the older posters. Listen to what they have to tell you and read everything on this site. I wish you all the luck and will keep you and your family in my prayers.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

i am thankful to have found other people who are in the same situation, i guess it all comes down to if he wants to have contact with the oc or not?? i do not want to have anything to do with either one EVER. i can't even imagine wanting to have custody of this child...for someone who has made that decision how were you able to get past the anger to do that? what can i expect from the ow.

<small>[ June 16, 2004, 10:04 PM: Message edited by: amiloco ]</small>

i am thankful to have found other people who are in the same situation, i guess it all comes down to if he wants to have contact with the oc or not?? i do not want to have anything to do with either one EVER.
i can't even imagine wanting to have custody of this child...for someone who has made that decision how were you able to get past the anger to do that?
what can i expect from the ow? i have noooo respect for her and feel absolutally no compassion for her whatsoever and i know that is wrong but I HATE HER!!! someone help me understand what is to come...

Hope for the best: Everybody taking their piece of the hurt pie and moving on, no contact. Nothing.

Prepare for the worst: Some ow like to see themselves as some sort of victim and their child as the only one that counts. They will get angry and manipulative thinking everything should go their way. They want chils support, and want your husband to raise their child, without you having anything to say or do about it. They expect everyone to alter their lives to accomodate their child, and they give no care or concern about the harm it does to yours.

If you choose contact, fight hard. Do not ever give these women an inch. Get things done legally and have it in writing. When she makes one itty bitty mistake, slam her hard with the law. If she is late, go after her. If she harrases you, go after her. It's like training a dog. You have to teach them the rules early. The ow is nothing, means nothing and is to have no control over what you want or what you do. Never allow her to control a situation. If it is your husbands child, the father has just as much rights as the mother. Don't ever forget that. She CAN'T say you can not be around, or pickup or drop off the oc. If she hates that, fight for it and make damm sure you are always there. Stuff like that.

Me, I am all for no contact. Pay the cs and move on. Have nothing to do with either. We had it clearly written that she was not to contact us for anything. Yet she tried. She whined about "poor oc" and we had to take her to court to leave our family alone. She mailed photos to husbands parents, we had to include them on the legal papers as not to contact. Everytime she tried to contact us we would take her to court and she lost. She was supposed to leave us alone and kept trying. If you are firm and tough they learn to leave you alone. Let her raise the child, and live her life. You live yours. Just read around and see what the damage contact can cause your own family. It is not worth the destruction of a family to have contact with. Child support is law, and that is all that is legally required. Even there be tough. 50% is 50%. If the medical bills are $10,000 you and your insurance are only liable for $5,000 of it. It makes no difference if she is a waitress and he is a surgeon. 50 percent is 50%. OW like to step back and say "it took two" so, this works on that same principal. But lets not forget how many men want abortions (and lets all agree that we have different opinions on the abortion issue), and the women CHOSE to bring this baby into the world knowing that that child is going to grow up without a father. That is a choice these ow make. They will try to whine and cry and force the issue. Stand firm and fight back hard. Eventually, she will give up and go live her life.

Either way, you need to get an attorney and start moving. You have rights also. The oc is not the only person that counts in the mess. If you want nothing to do with oc, then say it and start planning it that way. Get the cs in place for your kids and get moving. If your husband agrees, get it all done legally.

One more thing NEVER EVER EVER give these women a dime. That is not necesssary until DNA is established. And don't be surprised how often that happens. If she is sleeping with a married man, odds are that she is sleeping with plenty of other men. It has happend more then you think. An ow, pregnant, and toying with a family, only to have the DNA come back as somebody else is daddy. It happens more then you realize.

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

Read Read Read Read Read. Learn all you can and make decisions from there.