Even though you have no contact does the OW try in still interfere in your lives? Just seems like they never go away, you know.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny d

We have NC and have not heard from the OW in almost 5 years. The OC is 10 yrs old.
It probably helps that we live in different states. The OW/OC live in N.Carolina, and we live in Texas. (We live in God's Country, don't you know?)(Are you laughing yet?)
I wonder if as the OC enters her teenage years if she will not want to meet her father. When that happens we will deal with it, otherwise, we just enjoy our lives together. WE have built a stronger relationship in the 11 years since the affair.

Texasgirl

Lit, I hate that the fathers try and know these children and these women act like butt heads. So you don't pay C/S ? Are you not afraid of years going by and then one day she wants thousands? How did your children take the news and did you wait till the OC was here to tell them? The crazy OW has told so many people and we are so afraid our D will find out that we are thinking about telling her now? Don't know though. Thanks for your reply and I wish and pray for only the best for you and yours!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Tex, thanks for your reply also. It gives my great joy to hear from those who have made it past all of this and are living happy lives again! I think she will contact you, I think they all will. I don't know a child who wouldn't. My M and her XH split when my sis and brother where less than 1 and 2 and after 20 years they found their dad. He never say them after mom left and never contacted her to see the kids. Never paid C/S either. Mom said sometimes its best that way. But they found him and now have arelationship w/ him. And Texas? Man you have gotten some storms! Yikes, but it still pretty down there. I lived in Austin for about 6 months. I'm glad to see that some OW do go away and stay away! Thanks
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

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<small>[ January 11, 2005, 10:50 PM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

Initially, ow assumed that H would want to know all about oc. She was livid when she kept getting rebuffed. She couldn't believe that he meant it when he said he wanted nothing to do with her or the child. Then she started in on the "grandparents must want to know the grandchild". That got her slapped with more legal documents and restraining orders. She spent the first couple of years bemoaning the fact that our family kept telling to to get lost. She was quiet for a few years then would start up again. Calling H at work and wondering if he wanted to meet oc. When he would say no she would kick up legal proceedings to get more Cs. By that time we had solid legal advice about the financials and oc. Which made her crazy. Then we would beat her in court and she would be quiet for a while. Whenever she hears about things our children have done/do/went she calls and demands that we get/by/do the same for oc. She is whacked. She once wanted the value of a Orlando/Disney/Universal Vacation since we took our children there. She thought her child should have the exact same things/trips as ours. Another time she wanted us to hire him at the family business "since he will inherit" she was livid when she was told that not only will he not be working in the business, but he was not an heir to anything. (Side note: We have oc in the will, specifically stating that we are aware of oc existance and are leaving a nominal amount $1.00 to make it clear that oc is not entitled to any of our estate, and that we had not just forgotten him).

Overall, after 16 years of this, she seems to rear her head every few years. Just swat her like the bug she is and go on with your life. I found that when things were going bad for her was when she lashed out at us. We would lash back and move on. Thats what good laywers are for!

i am praying for no contact, i want nothing to do with ow or oc, told his parents and they tell me that there is no place for her in the family but i really wonder if they are going to do the same things for this child that they do for mine. this has happeded in the family before and that child has an active part in the lives of that couple... i am still soooo angry about the situation and all that i still have those wishes i hear others talk about (even i know they are wrong). i wish her pride would kick in and she would make that choice for herself and fly away but she is "so in love with him, she'd do anything for him..." that i don't think that is possible. you had talked to DCSS, how do you initiate that conversation? yes i do feel she will turn around and serve him papers... i am sure she already has that in process. who pays for the paternity test? i am so naieve about this part of things, someone help me wake up and not be surprised... i don't know how you get to that point where you could stand to be in the same room... i also have not confronted her on the phone about the whole situation either... should i? of course i don't know how "nice"i would be in the conversation because i think what she did was a weak, stupid and selfish.... he was just as weak, stupid and selfish but as a woman you can choose to protect yourself even if the man doesn't.... i hope she feels stupid in this whole thing!!!! keep praying for no contact...

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<small>[ January 11, 2005, 10:51 PM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

Lit, thanks for the info. Me and D are leaving next thursday and will come back in town on 7-11. I think I will talk to her then. We had little ones over this past weekend and asked her, wouldn't you like haveing a brother or sister. She looked at me w/her crazy eye look and said NO!. SO, I just don't know how she is going to take it. She has been the only child since Oct and she loves it. Her sister comes and goes dont see her for months. And now we will have another going back and forth. Some days just makes me want to scream for her. But the OW has made a point that my family, his family, everyone in our field of work knows of this OC. Why? Why would someone want to be know as someone with bragging rights to being a ?%?$*^(person w/ no morals) I wouldn't be braging about "look what I did" cause you look stupid! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Some days just makes me want to scream for her. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh yeah! I know that feeling! I look at my little guy and just wanna beat his papa screaming, "He was SUPPOSED TO BE THE BABY FOREVER AND HE WAS SECURE IN THAT KNOWLEDGE!" Ug. My little chocolate eyed wonder......is it any surprise he routinely goes through a chest thumping stage (typical male that he is) just to make sure of his place in the family? I mean, his place as we knew it as the baby was SUDDENLY usurped. Oy! Was last year ever hard!

You and your dd have my heartfelt hugs, Sunny.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> the OW has made a point that my family, his family, everyone in our field of work knows of this OC. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The funny thing about these people, I've found, is that they generally don't realize their play in the wrongness of it all. Know what my OW told me when I told her how wrong it was? "It felt good." Um, hello? DRUGS feel pretty good, too, but they are still BAD for you! My tart also told me a couple of weeks ago that she didn't understand why I didn't leave - dh's whole family knows, and how could I stand it, and yadayadayada (cause she hangs out at the bar that his uncle owns). I'm still ROTFLMAO about that one. Yeah, they know...they know you're a kooze that tried to trap a guy (not that he didn't have anything to do with it, two and tangos and all that)...my sil told me they all HATE her. How amusing is THAT? Ick. Ick. Ick.

- Kimmy

Sunny, I've notice for the most part that you've done a great job at all this that has been thrown to you. I just wanted to give you a different view point of this. I think you have read enough of my post to know I'm not spewing on you or bashing you. The last thing I'm proud of is my affair with xmm. I mean I sit back NOW and think wtf was I doing? I regret that relationship with every being in my body. My daughter though, I don't regret. I'm very proud of her and love her with all my heart. xmm and I are in the same business. We don't work at the same office but both do the same thing. He's been at it much longer than me and is KNOWN to our fellow people. I have done it off and on since 89 and then went to school to make more money at it versus being in the admistration of it. People in my office know that I'm a single mother. Most of them DON'T know he was married. The ones that have asked, I've told them. I've also included how I'm NOT proud of my actions in the whole thing, but I choice to have my baby and I won't shun her or dispect her through any of this by hiding her or what she is all about. She has xmm last name with my maiden last name. Him and I look way different too. I'm white (except for the tanning bed tan) and he is half asain. Well let me tell you my daughter looks every bit like him and NOTHING like me or my other daughters. From the top of her head to the bottom of her feet with everything in between. Now don't get me wrong if a stranger comes up to me and ask about "daddy" I don't, and my office is big enough to where NOT everyone knows. But these people know me well. I'm just tired of lying. We lied for 13 months. I'm not going to do it anymore. To the strangers or ones that I don't really know it's just well her father is not in her life. If these people know your h too, then they will know what type of person he is. People make mistakes. He sounds as if he is remorseful. People will know that he is doing what he feels is in the best interest of everyone. I'm doing in my life what is in the best interest of my kids. I have asian people in my office all the time coming up to me saying geez she could be my baby. It's like i was a serogant birth canal. xmm has NEVER seen her and if he did I'm sure he'd say well she looks nothing like me. NOT. He is not full and he has very distintive features that she has too. I'm just not going to sit around for the rest of my life lying about what happened. He is just as much a fault for this as me. He has made his choices for his benifit and I have to do the same. I hope you understand what I'm saying. I'm not trying to stick up for your xow, and i don't know her so I have no idea if that is where her head is at. Just my thoughts.

I happen to think there is a huge difference between being proud of your child, and "bragging" about his/her origins. From what I've read about sunny's ow, she is all about making sure everyone knows the who, what, when, where and how of the entire situation. IMO, sunny's ow isn't spreading the "good news" out of a sense of truth, justice and the American way, but out of spite.

All I can say right now is that I think if H's want to make their M work it is best to have NC.

But can they really do this. So they say they can and then sneak around again behind our backs to see the chid. I don't know maybe pain is clouding my judgement but I know for me NC is the only way. I maybe the only in my M to think so though I am not sure H has not made it clear.

JT

JT he should NOT be sneeking around to see that child. It's either in the open with you and family or not at all. I won't get into my feelings on c or nc, but I can say I will never allow xmm to see his daughter behind her back within a secret. It is no good for the child or the other family. It's not fair to either of them. If xmm would to try that I would take it to court cause I'm not going to let my child get to know this person as a daddy and then when things come up (which they will) and he has to cancel and/or hide the fact that he's the daddy...nc would be much better for everyone around. If he wants to see his child that bad then decision have to be made with decisions from the w his decisions and be a man and stand to it and accept it. I did not mean that harsh, but it's been said so much that these men have to sneek around to see there child cause of the bw...I say BS. If he agrees with w or for w to have nc, then don't sneek around. It's not fair to the wife or the oc.

autumn good point. I am defintly not proud of how she got here, but am proud of her. I see your point.

I liked your point needtomoveon. I may make people around me uncomfortable but I am not going to lie about H's affair or OC. Sooner people get over their "shock" or "disappointment" then the better.
I was not married to my son's father. We were both single, I got pregnant, and he disappeared. I never let my son believe a lie who his biological dad was. He knew my H was not his bio dad. But in every sense he was his "REAL" dad. He met his bio dad when he was 15. He went out with him once. Then asked if he ever had to go again. He said his real dad was L (my h). Not R (bio dad).
I am a big believer in the truth. Regardless of how other people react.

So lies

Thanks ent. To many lies....and geez it has to stop somewhere.

NTMO, I would never ask her to lie or not tell someone if they asked. But the anonymous phone calls to my friends and family, are out of spite. I these calls the person is worried about me cause of the stress of OW being pg and I am going to just run off to our cabin and move away from everyone. Thats what the H wants to do! And I am ALL for it! Not to mention she couldn't pick up the phone to call me herself. She had a "friend" do it. But it didn't matter because I knew already. But sending flowers to my work, and me and H work in the same industry. And HE, didn't want alot of people making judgements on him. I've been in the industry longer and I am very well respected, and so was he. Like I said before, we did put on a really good show for folks. Most where surpised when we seperated. But where glad and they "knew" we would get back together. And these people talk like a bunch of old women at the beauty shop. We told the people that mattered and we wheren't going to Lie or push the child under the rug. We HOPE to do contact. I will make a point to get along and respect her feelings as long as she does mine and doesn't interfere with my M again. I will get everything in writing and H has already told OW, if W cant have anything to do w/ OC then he wont. So if she truly wants to do what is best for the child, then she should work with us. Thanks for your side and I hope our xow gets some sense and is as cooperative as you.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D