OK, here is the cliff notes version. I am new to this so bear with me. I have been married fot 11 years. I've known her for 14 years, we have a 2 1/2 y.o. boy. Lots of intimacy issues. I am very expressive, she isn't. Started an affair 1 1/2 years ago. Thought of leaving my wife, but never could do it. Now the woman is divorced and pregnant with my child. I told my wife evrything and she wants to work it out. Is this possible that she could forgive me? I don't know if I have the strength to cut off all ties with the other woman. I feel , if nothing else, some sense of responsibility. How do I do that and not devestate my wife further? Any help would be appreciated...Thanks

Oh Doc!

I'd first tell you to read, read, read all the literature you can from Dr. Halley - his work has been a Godsend to me.

My dh and I are working it out. Work being the key word...and we not only have one OC, but two (albeit from the same A).

It's a long, frusterating, and hard path you've chosen for your family...but healing CAN happen.

- Kimmy

i was able to forgive h for a , but can;t forgive ow marriage builder and book How to Survive an Affiar are the 2 big helps in our life right now. Just show her and tell her your love it helps,alot and have nc w ow. good luck and God Bless

Doc, first off so sorry you and your family are here. Second, what do you want to do? Do YOU want to save your marriage! Are you willing to whatever it takes to win back the trust of your family? Are you willing to cut all contact with the other woman? Are your truly sorry for what you have done? Will you be willing to do no contact with this child to make your marriage work? These are the questions that YOU need to be honest about. Is it possible to get past the A and OC YES! But it will have to be a team effort and you both will have to want to do it. Get MC and cut off contact with the OW. Write your NC letter and let your W read it. But it is not a game any longer and you helped bring a child in this world who may never know his father. Have you talked to your wife what her feelings are on contact w/ the OC? Are you still living together? I would suggest that you pray about it and search your soul of why you had the A. 1-1/2 years is quite a long EMA. But if you feel in your heart that you cant make the commitment that you made to her and to God when you said your vows, then be honest and go. So she (W) can go on with her life that God intended for her to have. I don't know if you realize the pain and disrespect you have caused your family and you better expect her to have really bad days handling this and good days that will bring you closer. Its not in no way easy, but in no way is it impossible!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Thanks all for the replies. I am aware of what I've caused and I am going to do what it takes to make this right. I'm sure it will be a long road, but worth it...any new advice is always welcome...thanks again

Docjcc,

It is so sad that you have brought your family to this point in their lives, but the damage is done. My H's A and OC (pregnacy) has caused a serious rift in our lives. You must be honest with her, your wife and your self. If you really do not want to make your marriage work then you need to please let her go. I am struggling with the anger and frustration of my H not sharing what is going on, nor giving me reasons to feel that he really wants to be here (M).

This has caused major pain in my life and an unwillingnes to forgive him and let it go. So please do not take your wife through this agony of the unknown. Talk about it openly and reach out to her and she will know that you really do want to be with her and love her. But remember that you can not have your cake and eat it too. You must end the A and all ties to your wife's pain. It is not only about you and what you want it is about her as well - if you really want your Marriage.

I would like to talk to you again sometime for some insight on maybe what my H is feeling. I hope what I have said at least helps you. To start anew one has to trust that it is really over and in the past; otherwise the future looks pretty dim.


jt

<small>[ June 22, 2004, 12:43 PM: Message edited by: JT2 ]</small>

Doc-my H's affair was over 4 yrs ago. No only is it possible to forgive, but it is possible to have a better marriage than before. It becomes a tested marriage, you know, for better and for worse. Keep reading here and Dr H's books. Your life can be wonderful with your wife. My H and I are proof to that. I still see the pain in his eyes when the topic comes up and I know how truely sorry he is. It won't be the same marriage, but it will be a good one. Some one once said here of her WS, I was married to a jerk, but the guy I'm dating now (WS) is great. You have to start over with your wife. Start dating her and doing things together. If you spend at least 15 hrs together you will find that the passion returns and that you will have plenty to talk about. Good luck.

Doc,
I am struggling with a similiar situation, my H of 12 yrs just confessed to yr long affair and pregnancy. He is struggling! Tells me he is wanting to work on the marriage and being angry at me (lashing out saying he can't take it anymore; so when I told him to file for divorce than he backs off), not sure what that is about, and being responsible for the baby. I have asked him to cut off all contact during pregnancy to give us the opportunity to work on our marriage and give us time. Willing to have contact after child is born.

He is continuing to lie to me about contact and that hurts more than the affair itself.

What does your spouse want and are you both willing to work on your marriage? If you are going to be fair to the marriage, please give up contact until you make the decision. In my case the more contact he is having the more she is giving him the guilt trip and making him feel sorry for her...

Which is destroying him. He is very confused and not really reaching out for support, trying to handle all alone, while I am getting support and handling whole thing better.

What is in the best interst of the child? In my case, she is 15 yrs younger than H and he knows that a relationship with her wouldn't work, but still can't bare to end the contact. She is also threatening no contact with c if he stays married...He feels the best interest would be adoption but she doesn't care about his feelings with that or a number of other things.

I would like to visit with you some more. One of the things that he continues to throw in my face is that everything we read is about affairs but nothing about a baby.

Suzi

Thanks for all the input. I am struggling here. My W and I are talking a little at a time. She can only deal with so much a day she says. So we're taking it slow. She is mostly concerned with the oc. She doesn't think she can take a reminder like that for the rest of our lives. She is worried that her family and friends will loose respect for her if she stays with me. I understand and i don't have easy answers for her. I made an appt. for us at a marriage councelor. On the other end, I have a woman who is hurt at my lack of participation. She is scared and hurt. In my attempt to find some affection, I have hurt everyone I love. I don't know if I can have no contact with a baby. In the mean time I have a lawyers appt. tomorrow to find out legal options and to get some advice. trying to find the line between my mistakes and my responsibilities is a difficult task. Anyway thanks again all...

Doc, you need to work on repairing your M and I think your on the right track. It takes time, and yes good and bad days. But keep praying and keep showing her that you mean what you say. And for Gods sake JUST BE HONEST. That is all anyone wants in a M. Don't be pushy, or make her talk. Make sure the time is right. SO many times the timing is so off that everyone LB's all over the place. If she is quiet, let her think. Ask if shes ok. And if there is something you can do for her. If she saids no then just let her to herself. Me and H had a conversation the other day, because I was being quiet, he thought I was mad. No we (BS) have to sort things out in our minds too. And if we had of talked when I was not clear on my feelings, then we end up fighting. You get defensive, and angry when you can't tell someone how you feel, cause you don't know how you feel yourself. Its work, but the end results are most rewarding. Good luck.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

<small>[ July 01, 2004, 12:02 PM: Message edited by: sunnydale ]</small>

Doc, I hope you are still around.

A few things stand out here. You are 'confused'? Well, make a decision & stick to it & you will have more clarity.

My H had an A over 7 years ago which also resulted in OC. We met OC only 2 years ago. H has joint legal & physical custody, pays CS & we have OC %40.

I am against C w/ OC if you want a healthy marriage. C can be done but it will put a severe strain on your marraige & your wife.

Right now, do not give OW & OC another thought. Seriously. It sounds harsh but what is your priority? Do you want to save your marraige or not? Who is more important to you? Your wife & kids w/ her OR OW & potential OC? Really!

Whichever you find most important.....then that's where your effort & energy will be.

I strongly recommend you stay married. You made a choice once which has now led all those you claimed to love into a mess w/ lots of consequences. EVERYONE will pay a price but do you want to destroy 2 families here?

OW will be a single mom. OC will not have their parents in an intact family. You & W will have to live w/ this for the rest of your lives but YOUR marraige is repairable. Do you want to destroy your children's family, home & life?

Stick w/ what you already HAVE & focus on that.

Put ALL of your energy on repairing the relationships that you already have & building it into the marraige you and W have always wanted.

If you would rather destroy what you have then go ahead but do it quickly. IT is not fair to either woman to string them both along. But I think you would be better off w/ a woman who you have actually already made vows before family, friends & God to love, honor, protect & be faithful too so I think you should keep those VOWS! Yes, you already strayed but a woman who can forgive something like that........is one that should be KEPT don't you think?

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I also think you should recommend your W to this site so that we can also offer our support to her.
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Handle everything legally. A lawyer is a good first step. You will be paying a hefty amount of CS but that is an obligation you have...my POV is to leave it @ that.

Let OW get on w/ her life & you get on w/ yours w/ wife. YOu have more than an obligation there too and it should come FIRST!
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We usually suggest to BW to look into filing a legal separation so that they can secure CS for their children first because in most states (not all) The highest % of CS goes to whoever files first & the next person only gets a % of what's left over.

If you stay married great, then you have secured more financial support stays in your home w/ your family & BC (betrayed children).
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I know this is a lot to take in all @ once. take a deep breath & stay focused. Keep us updated too. We are here to support each other in our pursuit of repairing & working through the same stupid situation we are all in.

I am also here to say that reparation & recovery is more than possible. You can come out of this w/ a better marriage than you ever hoped if you are willing to put in the effort.

I can honestly say that I love & ADMIRE my H. Even after everything.....admiration was never a feeling I had for him before but seeing him humble himself & put in the effort to do whatever it took to win me back & earn my trust & respect again.......well, how can I not fall back in love w/ THAT? Forgiveness comes a bit easeir when you can see the honest effort & repentance.

LEt us know how you are.