Cyn - I agree with BG. Honey, you need to get some IC to help with your anger. How much C do you have with H right now? If he is being so mean and nasty, you should Plan B. You need to stay away from him before he kills all your love for him and you need to focus on yourself. You are grieving your baby and now you are grieving your M on top of it. It is too much to do alone. Please get some help before you self destruct. As hard as it is, you need to forget OW/OC. They are absolutely nothing to you. The anger and hatred you have for OW is doing nothing but hurting you. OW will show her true colors eventually and this happy little fantasy that your H is living will come to an end. In the mean time, you help yourself so you can show him the W he is missing out on. You are not responsible for your H's behavior, you are responsible for your reactions to it. Take control of your life.

I will keep you in my prayers. Please find some support and help yourself.

Cyn, I read through this post again and feel so hurt WITH you. Honestly, I really don't know what exactly to say that would help?

The only thing that comes to mind was when I thought my husband was going to leave me for the OW. I was a little afraid, yet calm about it. I prayed and cried my heart out that night and got this feeling that no matter what happened, that God would restore me in the end. With or without my husband. I had to cling to that promise, or go crazy.

God hates divorce and He definitely sees the motives of the OW's heart. She may seem like she's "winning" at the moment, but God will set things to right when it's the proper time. He's in control and He only gives us what we can handle.

Lean on Him, ask Him to help you get rid of your hatred and unforgiveness. He will dry your tears.

I didn't mean to preach to you here, but these are some of the things that He put upon my heart as I was staring at a loaded gun. If He can pull me out of my despair, then He can do the same for you. Don't let doubt creep into your mind, trust Him to keep His word. It's a small word....trust....but with God, the smallest things are the most powerful.

I will keep you in my prayers, ok?

Dear Cyn, I too am very worried about you. Please listen to the people on this board and find someone to speak with. I started out with our priest and he referred me to a C. You need someone. Also, the other huge piece of advice I have is to seek a medical doctor and get placed on some anti-d's.

When I found out about the A, I felt like I was going to die but despite everyones suggestion I avoided the anti-d's. I felt like it would make me look weak. When I had to deal with the birth of OC, I decided this time that I was not going to be strong on my own and that I would get the anti-d's. They have really helped and although I was a little disappointed in myself at first, I am glad I did. I even have a special med for those times when things get so bad I have an anxiety attack. I have only used it twice and that was in the very beginning.

Please consider it. This is no time for you to rely on your own defense mechanisms. As my Dr. said, you body just can't handle that much stress at one time. This stress and pain can hurt you physically and DON'T let THEM do that to your body.

I am praying for you. Please do something, don't let this eat you alive. If you H is treating you that bad, Plan B or something. Try to act like you don't care. Let him see you strong. Go out, hand out with friends, have fun, live happily. It may help wake him up.

Best of luck and HUGE (((((HUGS)))))

i've never posted here, but there's something that i think you seem to have missed, so i thought maybe i should point it out. who knows, maybe it will help...

this man is not your husband. you are not married to him. nor do you have a child with him. in the eyes of god, you are as free as a bird, and able to go forth and find someone who loves you.

has it ever occured to you that maybe this pregnancy IS god's way of talking to you? of telling you that you can do better, of telling you that you should do better? it seems to me that god may be telling you loud and clear what he wants for you, and that although it may not be what you think you want, it may be what god feels you need.

maybe all this pain that's been associated with your situation is god telling you he doesn't want you in this relationship?

What do you mean this man is not my husband? Where are you getting your information from? He is my husband!!! We've been together 15 yrs. and married 4 of those. He's been with OW for 1 1/2 yrs. of those. So what I hear is because you didn't think he was my husband it was justified what happened? Are you telling all the other WS's out there because OC is in the picture it's a sign they should divorce? If God had anything to do with any of this then it's to be a constant reminder that adulters and crack w***** can have whatever they want and to hell with the rest of us!

Also things were fine, not perfect but I was happy until OW came into the picture. She knew H was not available. She stopped at nothing to get what she wanted. She is married with her own H and children. So what is God telling her or my H?
That it's OK to lie and cheat and do whatever it takes to destroy someone else's life as long as you are happy!

And what about the child my H and I lost? Was that God's way of telling me a crack w****'s baby is better?

<small>[ July 04, 2004, 02:22 PM: Message edited by: Cyn1018 ]</small>

i'm sorry, cyn, i could have sworn i read that he was not legally your husband, that you lived together. and my point was NEVER that it was okay what was done to you. but that maybe that it was god's plan for you to have better.

i thought that since you weren't married, and didn't have children with him, that perhaps god was trying to tell you that he has another plan for you. a better life that is more like the one you've been dreaming of. a life where your husband loves you, and gives you beautiful children, and you live happily secure in the knowledge that you are cared for and respected as a woman and a human being.

i believe there is a purpose for everything, a plan for us all. and it may be that as much as you would like it to be otherwise, his plan is not the same as yours. you want to be with this man, you want to have children with this man, i get that. and i feel so bad that it doesn't seem to be mutual thing. but maybe there is a reason for that. if you go through hell, i think we should try to see if maybe there is a reason for our suffering. could it be that god has some plan for you that does not include him? that is better for you?

your child is not nothing. he sits with god himself, how is that nothing? meanwhile, your husband is in jail, his ow is alone and in your words a crack user, so what is god telling them? doesn't matter if they aren't listening, does it?
do you honestly think they will live happy ever after if all you say about them is true? if she's an addict, their child will suffer, as well he if he's any kind of parent.

that doesn't mean that you should stop listening! i think god is still with you, maybe telling you that this is not what he wants for you, that he has much better for you waiting for you to find it! i don't even see god the way you probably do, but i believe enough to know that you aren't alone right now. now, when you feel your weakest is when that which is god is strongest for you.

i don't want to hurt you, or make you feel attacked, i just want you to see that maybe there are reasons for everything that happened that you may not see. you shouldn't give up hope or your faith because something horrible has happened! there is no doubt in my mind that there is a reason for what's happened, and it was done FOR you, even though it feels like it may have been done TO you...

but i'm sorry you hurt.

Cyn

It really hurts me to see that you seem to be so angry with God. PLEASE do not think that God has forgotten you or that you do not matter to Him. And do not ever think that your unborn child meant nothing to God. God loves ALL children.

Matthew 18; 1-6
1At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, "Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?" 2He called a little child and had him stand among them. 3And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. 4Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.
5"And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me. 6But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.
Matthew 18; 10-14
10"See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven.[1] 12"What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? 13And if he finds it, I tell you the truth, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off. 14In the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should be lost

If you found it frustrating that your husband didn't/doesn't seem to listen to you, then please LISTEN to the people of this forum who care about you and suggest you seek counseling. God will never give you more than you can bear, but that does not mean He intends for you to bear it alone. Hugs and prayers to you.

Casey

WS and I were trying to have a baby when OW came along. She knew this and also about the baby we'd lost. Also that H wanted a child. She used this to her advantage. It didn't matter to her that she herself was M and had children. She's a lying, cheating, manipulating s*** but she can do whatever she wants and get away with it. WS doesn't see her for what she is!!! I have survived physical, emotional, sexual abuse, financial ruin, losing the baby etc., and all of those things together don't even come close to what it was like when I found out about OW and OC. If God never gives us more than we can handle then why do poeple commit suicide? How come WS and OW are so happy while my world was destroyed? Now they have OC to complete the picture. There is nothing God could "ever" give me that would make up for any of this. Even if WS does come it will never be the same. And no matter what OC will always be a reminder of the A. When a disgusting crack w**** can have whatever she wants then why bother?
Yes I am in counseling. My C keeps telling me to hang in there, that things will get better. It's hard to believe.

I wanted to let you know that it will get better. It may not be what you think you want, but one day you will wake up and feel ok. Another day you will catch yourself laughing, because it feels right. I have been in my hell with soon to be exWH and SFB(Stupid F---ing B---h). They had a child (I have contact and truly love her). He is an idiot totally impaled on the fence (probably my fault). I have been thru cancer (14 yrs ago) and will probably have again. This past year I had enough of it and initiated a divorce, he has dragged it out. We had our first child (14 yrs of age)try to commit suicide. We lost our business we built (due to small town gossip) in the last 10 years. I am selling my house to pay off his debt with the IRS ($67,000.00) to be able to start again. I know I am lucky I have My family, our kids and his family. It took a long time to get here. But I am proud I found me again. You will find you. Do things to get away from it. Not run away from it, but to take a breather till you can deal with it. God and I have had many heated discussions, but I knew he was always with me. The same year my WH had his affair his best friend died and my sisters husband committed suicide. I know they will have to answer for their decision one day. Currently I know all is not happy in his relationship with her. Yes I love him, but he made this choice and for now he has to live with it.

Sorry to ramble on, but YES you will get thru this and YES you will be happy again. Love yourself! Do something you have always wanted to do! Learn something you always wanted to learn. Forget about the A, OW & WS even if only for an hour. You are worth it.

Just to add, the loss of the business, the IRS and our child trying to commit suicide has all happened this past year.

Also to anybody who thinks they have no one there for them, to love them, you have the most important person in the world. You have yourself. Love yourself. You are a beautiful person.

It seems that once someone has an A no ones life is ever the same again. It hurts so bad. I ask God every day what I ever did to deserve any of this. I honestly wish someone had taken a gun and shot me because my suffering would be over. Just 2 days ago I had someone throw the A up to me and I slapped this guy across the face. He's friends with the OW. It felt damn good and I wish I'd have hit him harder. This is the first time I ever hit anyone in my life. I just couldn't take him defending that w**** and OC to me. Like what they did was right. If God is there then why has OW won? They destroy and get away with it and people defend them and I really don't understand.

Sorry Toolong. Hugs to you and everyone!


It's so hard to love yourself when you get left for a disgusting crack w****. I feel WS thinks I am less than that.

<small>[ July 06, 2004, 02:08 PM: Message edited by: Cyn1018 ]</small>

Good for you for hitting him!! People can be such idiots. Who knows why these things happen that hurt so bad. Maybe he isn't the one for you. Maybe there is someone else out there for you. Just because it seems like they won, what did they win. Are they actually happy? You may never know. One of these days it will come back to hit them, maybe sooner maybe later. One day when that childs boyfriend/husband cheats on her and she asks her parents how they could have done such a thing to another and they get to see the pain in her eyes. Never consider taking your life. You are to precious. it is never a solution. It does not end it. It only ends it for you. You are better then them. You can do what ever you want to do. I considered it long ago, more than once, but this is only a moment in time and you will get past it and grow. Work on you and he may look at you and see Wow or he may not, but you will have grown beyond him and soar. This is a very painful thing and it may seems like it will never go away. I wanted to move away, but it was more important that my girls were taken care of first and then I concentrated on me. I live in a small town and at first I couldn't leave the house I was so ashamed(?). Now I am incharge. I come first. I still have sad times but they are few and far between. You can do it.

And your right it is hard. I got left for a stupid 20 yr old SFB. She was our babysitter, waitress and I thought my friend. She was (I thought) prettier than me and much thinner. I felt like an old dumpy cow. She smoked pot with him and I found out later they did other stuff. She slept with anything and he knew it. He told me she considered him a "father figure" Maybe like mine it was because he felt he was saving this poor pathetic soul. She had also been arrested for drugs before. Who knows why they do what they do. But who cares about her. You are precious. You are so much better than her and you know it. Say it to yourself because it is true. Outloud!!

I was also going to say with God never gives us more than we can handle. I try to think of it as "Ok if this takes the burden off of someone else than I will take it." But... I don't believe God would deal out all the horrid things like Adultery...but that it is dealt out by others. There are too many people in this world that adultery , divorce...is socially acceptible. Alot of people want what makes them happy and don't care about others, no matter twho they hurt. I try to look at it as God is there trying to give me the strength to deal with this evil. It is up to me if I accept his strength or not. Sometime I don't accept and I fail (and get depressed again) or I do okay and move on and sometimes I accept it and grow so much more. I don't see it as God throwing obstacles at me , but as him trying to help me through the obstacle course.

I got left for a disgusting, married, crack w****. She "is" ugly, missing teeth, really fat, looks like her face was pushed in by a truck, dopy expression, dresses like she's a bum on skid row. All that aside her personality is worse. She's mean, vindictive, uses threats, violence, her children, phony suicide attempts, lies, cheats, the list is endless. Yet WS thinks she is so wonderful. When he finally sees her for what she is it's going to hit him like a ton of bricks. I can't wait. OC will be the one who gets hurt. I guess WS and OW will finally have to answer to her as to how she got here. Too bad I feel nothing for her!

Is his insurance paid up? Cause he will have a heart attack when it happens. Sorry. Never compare yourself to her. You are so much better.

I know I am better in the sense I never cheated on H the whole time we were together. I feel she's won because she gave him the child he's always wanted. (If it's his). I keep hoping once the fog clears he will be at my door step begging forgiveness. Yeah, when the bricks fall he's going to be in for one heck of a shock!

Cny, I've held back because your in so much pain and trust me this woman to woman and I mean NOthing towards you with this. I've read up on your post and your anger and hurt and How your suffereing. You have mentioned over and over your husband is in jail for two years and she is a crack whore. Okay.........how the hell did they win? She can't get support from him, he's in jail....so she is probally on welfare. He has no problem with her way of life, which only means his way of life could not be much more. IF he dumped you for her, then he has got to be into the same lifestyle as her. It sounds like you've worked hard on your marriage. That is the best you can do. All you can do for him at this point is pray and leave him alone. Don't let him see you like this. Right now YOU'VE got time on your hands while he's in jail. Use it to show him the person you are and let him think twice of all his actions taken lately. That you can rise above this. Let her boost his ego. You need to boost your own right now. As far as your pregnancy goes loosing your baby. I can understand your feelings on that too. I don't think he feels nothing for that. It's a hard thing to deal with. But think of it this way...maybe he sees this child in jail (whohoo) but he is not being a father to this child emotionaly or financialy. He is just a bio-father sitting in a jail cell for the next 2 years playing like the dooting father. I don't know why God allowed this to happen. I can tell you he did not plan it, but he knew it would happen. They did this. Stop being mad at God. These gals are trying to help you here and you are stuck in your thought process and emotions. Think about it..........some of the thoughts your thinking (over and over understandable your human for a few times) are not good thoughts and not healthy for your growth process. Just my thoughts on this, and I hope that I did not step on your toes, not intended too........I just see so much pain in you right now. Try and turn to postive things and do things to help imporve your being.

I know everyone is trying to help and I do appreciate it. It's so hard to be positive when everything around me reminds me of the A and OW and OC. H is so happy about OC while I have no children and it kills me inside. OW and her friends have thrown this in my face on countless occasions. WS and I were trying to have a baby until OW came into the picture. I've asked God every day as to why? One minute H says he still loves me and the next he doesn't want to talk to me. I don't get it. They cheat and I have to pay the price. It's so hard when everyone sticks up for OW and because she had H's child she's everything. I would have been a good mother and now I won't get the chance because of something someone else did.

I do thank everyone for their support. It does help!

<small>[ July 07, 2004, 06:35 PM: Message edited by: Cyn1018 ]</small>