I haven't been here for a long time. My H.and gf had the baby jan.1st, and we hadn't been talking much. She then found out that him and I had never broken contact and was of course upset, so has been watching him like a hawk. We have been doing a lot of talking the last few weeks, about the future and how he feels. I don't believe he really sees a future with her but is very torn about leaving the baby. Well now I have found out she is pregnant again! The two babies will only be about 13 or 14 mos apart. He is not happy about it and is already worj=king himself to death to support two families and she is not working. Never went back after the baby was born and she could have, and she makes about 30-35,000 a yr. Now she probably won't work for a lomg time, who knows. I just wondered if anyone else has been in a sit. like this. I have pretty much given him a limit of a couple of weeks, 3 at the most to make a decision. I have already gone to a lawyer for a consultation and he knows I am serious. Just so much stupidity has happened I just can't even really believe it is true. That denial kicking in again. Anyway, thanks for any help, words of wisdom or anything anyone can say to help or just understanding.

That would be me, sweetie. I have two OC's. Our tart basically did the same thing as yours...got pg again to "force his hand" (not that HE didn't have anthing to do with it, but still). My dh never left me, but would see the tart when he picked up OC #1 - I guess she thought #2 would make me kick him out - why she'd want to be sloppy seconds is beyond me.

My dh didn't leave this time either - nor did I kick him out. Things are WAY different now for all of us.

I am far more at peace than I've been in the year and a half I've known about all of this. But it's affected me far more than it seems from looking at me.

Both dh and I both feel for the children first (unlike OW) - my step-daughter is just over 1 1/2 and has NO idea why her spot as the baby has been usurped - this past visit was so hard - not because she doesn't love being with us, but because SHE is still a baby (poor mija). My new step-son is 2 mos old, and worth all the love I can give him. MY baby - my youngest has had a hard time, also. He's adjusting to his new siblings - but only because of patience and love.

It's a hard path your H chose for you all. I wish you the best, and if you need ANYTHING, let me know.

- Kimmy

I am so srry for you. I just found my H has 1. I hope to god that this does not happen again. He said that he has cut off all ties with her, but I guess only certian ties can be broke, if the have a c together. Only time will tell.

Hugs Lonely. I feel your hurt with you. You are not alone.

- Kimmy

Nios

Thank you, its happened to you to? Are you and you h still together?

Yeah bob, Lonely. We're still here, and still loving each other. There was a lot of hurt for too long....I think we've both found peace at last....at least I have.

I still get snitty every once in awhile, but all in all things are MUCH better than this time last year.

- Kimmy

Nios

YOur h has oc right?

See talkingto you guys make me feel so much better that Iknow I can get through this with my H. It is just osoo new and soo much. I am just trying to ask my self can i fully accept the oc. My h thinks I might never be able to... I told him I have to figure someway to accept this oc, If i want my marriage to work right? But as of right now whos to say when we'll ever see this kid again. I beleive she told my h he cant see her ever again, and part of him is hurt but he wants to be part of oc life, because its his c (i cant blame him for that). I thnk if she staywed away for a while that might helo what do you think?

Hey Lonely,

We don't have one OC in our lives, but 2. So, yes, healing can happen no matter what. I won't sugar coat it - it's been hard, and we've all suffered for it. We still have a long road to walk, too, before there will be complete peace - but the very hardest parts are behind us (I think).

Since it's new to you, can I make some suggestions? Read up on Love Busting and Love Banking. Oy! If I'd found this site last year - I highly doubt there'd be a #2 baby....but God makes 'em cute for a reason, I think. Talk to your PCP. You NEED to/HAVE to take care of yourself. If you don't, I can almost guarentee that you'll end up hurting worse than you have to. It'd be a good idea if your dh maybe talk to his doc, too - but with men, that's easier said than done, ime.

Hugs again,
Kimmy

Nios

Thank you soo much. My h says he wants to make it work and I want to, so now its all about me accepting this oc, and the hardest part of taht for is that is a d. I have not given him a d yet and that is all he has ever wanted!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he has 3 boys. He tells me not to worry, when I tell himi it feels like something has been taken away from me, he says not to feel like that. I would like to have a nother c by him (praying to god that this be a d) I am crazy for wanting another c by my h?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My h says he wants to make it work and I want to, so now its all about me accepting this oc, and the hardest part of taht for is that is a d. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let me tell you, I understand. I'd given my dh a boy and a girl, but I couldn't have anymore (and I'd have had a dozen if I could - really and truely). That the tart could just go and get pg and give him more children hurt like the devil. Then when she got pg again - OY! It was like she was trying to replace my babies with hers (and in her own mental way, she was).

I think you need to focus on more on YOU and your M right now than accepting the baby. You need to line all your duckies in a row and make sure that you can keep it together day by day. That's the hardest part in the beginning. Then, once you've got that down - and your lives have settled down a bit, you can start to work on wrapping your brain around the new little one. It's all about not rushing this. It seems like you've got to make this work, work, work right now or ELSE. There is no OR ELSE at this very minute. I promise. OR ELSE is in the future right now. It's not gonna happen today or tomorrow - so just put it on a shelf till/if you need it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I would like to have a nother c by him (praying to god that this be a d) I am crazy for wanting another c by my h?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No you're not crazy. It's a very natural human reaction. BUT: I challenge you with this: As a mommy who's carried children, and knows the toll pregnancy causes on a body and that your baby will feel what you feel regarding stresses and outside influences, do you think that right now is a very good time to put you and your darling little one through that? YOU have a choice in this, the baby does not. I would ask that you please put this decision on hold for at least a couple of months, so that you and your family can begin to work through this.

- Kimmy

NIos

Thank you soo much for your help and advice. I know if I cant take care of me than noone else can. I have told my h that I hope that he can help comfort me & my pain. You are right about the baby part, but I am not crazy for wanting another c. We talked about that too, my h loves children dont get me wrong. He says if I really think I want one right now then he is o.k with it as well he doesn't want me doing anything I am not ready to do. Part of me just questions myself saying will i be hurt if i dont have a d. I say maybe no, but I am not really sure. I guess i do not need to focus on the oc to much right now, since according to her she will not let him see her (atleast anytime soon)so that will help put things at ease. She seems like the type of woman (soo far) that is really not out to cause me too much trouble. She is young and confused just as I am young & confused. She just had her h leave her I am assuming because of the A. she already had a small c by her h now she has a little one. Part of me thinks that she thought once I found out that I would leave my h, also my h thinks she tried to trap him by getttng pg. He said she told him she was on the pill (but I told him that was NO EXCUSE to sleep with a Woman with no protection escpecially not you WIFE) but i say why would she tell him that if she was NOT tryin to get pg see what I am saying, maybe somehow she thought she'd trap him, maybe she thought he would stay with her? I dont know what she was thinking, but H told me I have his heart he does not love he HE NEVER loved her he just f----- her! and he says now see where a f----- got me. I told him hey I DID NOT tell you to do it. So now i think part of the OW feels stupid.

Thanks for your replies. I know it could probably work out with a lot of time and patience but he is living with her and baby so I don't know if he can leave her. Most of my friends and family want me to divorce him, but that is my decision not theirs. It is nice to know some people are making it work, I know if we do get back together and tell everyone about baby nmb 2 they will think I am crazy. and we are not young-we have 3 grown children, I am 45 and he is almost 46, so it would be a huge change for me to have two babies around, even part time. But I am not waiting around this time, it will have to be a quick decision for him and if he doesn't or can't make it then we will be divorced. His first affair started 3 yrs ago and i have been thru way too much to be in limbo anymore.

day by day

Sorry for what you are ging through, you are right you have beeen married a long tmie, but you can ONLY do what YOU feel is RIGHT. As everyone has been telling me put YOU FIRST and only you. You can only be happy ifyou make yourself happy.

D B D

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know it could probably work out with a lot of time and patience but he is living with her and baby so I don't know if he can leave her. Most of my friends and family want me to divorce him, but that is my decision not theirs. It is nice to know some people are making it work, I know if we do get back together and tell everyone about baby nmb 2 they will think I am crazy. and we are not young-we have 3 grown children, I am 45 and he is almost 46, so it would be a huge change for me to have two babies around, even part time.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your situation reminds me of mine - my H lived w/ OW & baby for a total of 8 months, I am 43 & don't really want a baby around, my son is grown. None of my family supported my decision to try & save my M, but it comes down to what U want. My fear has been also that H would make another baby w/ OW since contact has only been w/ OW at her apt. for the most part. We are together but still may not make it. U have to do what u feel is best for u. I know you have a lot of time & feelings invested in your M but your H has to make a commitment to U & that has to come first. It does make it a bit easier w/ no small children involved, how r they taking all this?

I will pray for u & wish you all the best.

My 2 older children have not talked to their dad for 2 yrs, pretty much. Very angry about what he has done to all of us. no one knows about baby nmb 2 yet and won't for a long time regardless of what happens. A lot of what my H. feels is guilt about leaving the babies and hurting her, but they aren't getting along and really don't have a lot in common. and he is not sure that this 2nd pg was not planned also. She is pressuring him to get a divorce and really watching every step he makes, in short she is lb'ing big time and i am not anymore. I'm just telling him what will happen after a certain time but not pressuring him.
he knows he needs to do something soon and it will be hard either way, but I think he has finally learned thay by putting things off things have only gotten worse for everyon, especially him.