I figured this is something everyone has faced if OC is in their lives or will need to face.

We told my H's family (mom,dad, brother and SIL). I have told one friend and one cousin (who was supposed to keep her mouth shut).

How do you tell the rest of the family? Do you? I was thinking of not saying a word to my family. Both my parents have passed and when I visit my family it does not need to be with OC in tow.

As for my H's family, that is a little different, since it's his child and now their relative.

I also question how you all approached you friends and neighbors? I am at a loss of how to do this and be comfortable around them. We really don't need to say anything but eventually they will see this child at our home, every other weekend. What do you do then?

Lastly but most importantly, how do you tell you children. My kids are only 6 1/2 and 5 and they have met and know OW as "daddy's friend". Will they question this? Will they resent OC, since at this young age, OC will take up more of dads time when it's with us. I am very scared to tell them but know it needs to be done. It's the one obstacle between my H and I having a normal relationship with OC and him not having to go to OW's place to see his daughter.

Would love to hear everyone's opinion.

It's a toughy. Lessee. Since our town is so small, and you know how law enforcement gossips, I think everyone that knows us knows. They certainly know that mija isn't mine - and when we begin taking mijo in public - we'll it's quite obvious that I've not been pg in awhile. I figure if anyone wants to ask, let them ask. I'm not going to lie - I think one of the posters once said something about "holding HER head high." Well, I've done nothing to be ashamed of - if anything, I would hope that I carry myself with grace and with God. That my husband effed up is in the past also...I would hope that his future actions would far make up for his past in the eyes of our community. I make sure mija is dressed as sweetly as she looks (because, she is a sweetie) and I love her like I love and look after my others. I know my family has issues with it - but I can't control their actions, and they know I won't allow them to be negative in front of the children (not that they would, but still). I don't know if I've answered you - but your genuine friends will ask and love you still for your answers, and any who don't and make knee jerk decisions aren't worth your time anyway.

- Kimmy

We told his family and they were furious with him and were wonderful to me. They were totally and 100% supportive of the no contact we chose. My parents know too and they were and are supportive of us, to the point of my father doing all the digging and finding us the best attorney, and taking care of some financials for us. Our families really stood by us, and help us protect our lives from the intrusion.

As for our children, we never really sat down and said a thing. We knew we were not going to have the oc at our home so they were not going to have the embarrassment of having to explain anything to their friends, neighbors, etc. As the years went by, our children learned of the oc. They were furious and disgusted. One has used it as a weapon against my husband when she was in her early teens. My children have no interest in meeting, knowing or seeing oc. They would die of embarrassment if any of their friends knew. They hate the whole "jerry springer" aspect of it all.

You know your family, neighbors best. The words will come to you when that time comes. Your children are another matter. Don't ever let the politically correct "good for the oc" get in the way of your beatufiul childrens lives. Be aware and keen on them being upset by this. Monitor how they are doing. Be honest about how this is really hitting them. If they are uncomfortable, what is your backup plan? Just be their mother and you need to look out for their well being at all times. Remember, they have to come first with you.

The words will find a way.

luv

That is a tough one because I am ging through the same, I don;t know when we will even try to bring Oc around our Children. We have a 14,almost 9, and almost 5. I think the 14 will know what happen how he will take it i dont kow. I am not sure how the 9 & 5 year old will take it. THis is really NEW to me. I have not told my mom and truly I dont know if I want to. I know I MIGHT eventually have to but unitl then I just dont want to. But you are right i dont know how my kids will take this. Let me know any inpput you have as well.

Luv, I myself don't know yet. But we are going to talk to our D, next week while of vacation, close to the end when its time to come home. Shes 11 and is really happy being the "only" child at home now. She gets it all and I must say she is like her mom and loving every min of it. So I'm not sure how she is going to handle it. The OW has made a point to tell everyone she can that knows us. So we feel, the OC is not due til Sept, we will tell her there is a possablility of it being her fathers child, we will have to see. I just wouldn't want anyone else to slip up and say something in front of her or one ofher friends parents talking about it and a friend tell her. So we are going to and I think its best to hear it from us. I think she will be fine. The only thing I have a problem w/ is her wanting to meet the OW? Or me promising her that me and her dad will be together forever? I just don't know and can not promise her anything. So I wish the best of luck and let me know how it goes.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Sunny

Let me know how it goes. I think are far away from ahaving to do this but you never know, OW told my h that he cant see the baby but we will see how long that lasts, or if she leaves to puerto rico like she said, so I feel like why disrupt my family know when I do not have to YET! Am i right on this?

Sunny - it sounds like from all you've written 'bout your dd that you've provided her with the tools necessary to get through this. You all will. You have my hugs and prayers....I'll be thinking of you both!

- Kimmy

Oh! And I meant to reply to you, too, Lonely. I swear my caffiene is backfiring and I'm actually MORE tired for drinking it!!!!!!

Anyway, I think you are totally correct. It sounds like the ball is in OWs court and your dh is content to let it stay that way. The only thing, just make sure she someday doesn't rear her ugly head again - protect you and yours right now - then you won't have to worry about it.

- Kimmy

L-315 I think this woman may run for awhile but they all come back to haunt you in the end. Even w/ NC they still pop in and out. Ask the oldies. Even w/ papers they still show up. I think I would tell my children just for the fact you want to teach them honesty and telling the truth at all cost. Even if your in trouble right? So I think I have to set the example. Don't expect them to be honest w/ you as they get older if they don't feel you are. I know we keep things from our children because of the hurt. Well you cant tell me that they dont see the hurt and don't understand why. I only know what is best for my family and even though my family is not suportive of me staying w/ H. They don't know everything and don't live my life. Same as I do you. I don't know your children and the mental strain that they can handle, only you. I do know that children do have to have pain and hurt so they can deal with it and you can help them. Some kids never learn the hurt or pain aspect of life and when they experience it for the first time in older years it is devastating for them. But please pray, as I have and do what you feel is right for your family. I know my D has a right to know and to find out from her parents.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

THank you both

NIOS

What do you meanOW has ball in her court?

lmf,,,,,,,,,

>>>>>>>>How do you tell the rest of the family? Do you? <<<<<<<<<<<

i quess you don't have to ever tell your family. but i wonder how you will feel about that choice. won't that keep you on edge wondering whether anyone will ever discover the truth? what happens if they see an extra present under the tree at xmas and ask "who is that for"? maybe an adult won't say anything but one of your kids or a niece or nephew?

seems to me that you just sit them down one by one or all at the same time and lay the cards on the table. i think that as it has been said here most families will be very supportive of you and follow your lead as to how to treat and deal with your h. if yu tell the family and turn around and smack your h with a brick i hope he can duck and run fast enough to avoid the rest of the pile your family will be hurling at him.

or maybe tell just one of your family members, the oldest bro/sis, and explain it to them about how you are rebuilding the marriage and ask them to please be the go between for the rest of the family.

if you tell them and also add that the two of you are working to rebuild your marriage then i am sure they will be supportive of that.


>>>>>>>>>>>>>I also question how you all approached you friends and neighbors? <<<<<<<<<

it was the same way. one very important thing was i had made the decision to stay in my marriage. so the biggest question my friends asked was whether i still loved fh and that answer was yes. then, and this goes for family also, they were disappointed in fh for her actions they were supportive of me.

another thing that made it easier for me was that i didn't feel embarrassed by this. i felt that fh was the one who should be embarrassed, and she was and still is, as it was her lack of judgement that got us into this mess NOT MINE. so why would i be embarrassed.


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Lastly but most importantly, how do you tell you children. My kids are only 6 1/2 and 5<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

sit them down and tell them sooner not later. they are at such a young age that i can't see them having any other feelings then this is OUR new little bro/sis? cool.

i have said it before that the older kids, 18 & 19 at the time, had a harder time with it then the younger ones, 12 and under, because they understood the hurt and infidelity part. they also understood the part about things like this leading to divorce and that worried them.

lynn,,,,,,,,

>>>>>>>>>>They would die of embarrassment if any of their friends knew<<<<<<<<<<<

i am not trying to start an arguement with you but this made me very sad that your kids are retaining and feeling all that quilt. to bad they can't find a way to get that weight off thier shoulders.

<small>[ June 28, 2004, 06:05 PM: Message edited by: pops ]</small>

Nisogirl

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> you know how law enforcement gossips </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Strange you said that, as I do know first hand of LE can gossip. Are you in a LE family? I am. It's a cold, hard, cruel world. OW is also a police officer so the entire dept knows about her and my H and OC. It's very difficult but at least I don't see them on a daily basis.

Also Nisogirl, I like how you say that you love her as much as you do your own. I am looking forward to meeting OC and holding her. I just hope and I am fearful that once I do all those horrible feeling toward OW will come through and I will look at OC as a reminder. Did that ever happen to you? How did you avoid it? Like I said, right now I am looking forward to it but I am scared of what happens when reality hits.

I know that I have done nothing wrong and can hold my head high. I guess I would never say anything out right to my neighbors. If they ask, I guess I will respond as you all have said.

Pops,
I think you are right, the kids may think it's cool. Our D is very smart so she might figure it out that this is not the way it should be. We shall see.

As for my family. They are in another State and NEVER come to visit me. However the comment that my kids may say something while we visit them is a big possibility. Maybe I will just deal with it when it/if it happens. Need to think about that.

Thanks to all of you.

Luv
I feel the same wya you do, I want to meet this girl, but I am scared it is going to bring back awful memories of this is what happend between OW and H. I guess only tmie will tell.

Originally posted by lonely315: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> so I feel like why disrupt my family know when I do not have to YET! Am i right on this? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you're right.

There is out and out lying.

There is lying by omission.

By choosing not to make the situation "public" as of yet, is neither. It's okay to have some things be private issues between you and your H.

First and foremost, you don't even know yet if the child is your H's.

Secondly, your H is no longer involved in an A, so exposure isn't necessary. If he were still involved, I'd say tell everyone, including the butcher, the baker, and the candlestick maker...

The decision to tell is of course something to be decided by you and your H. It may very well become a necessity at some point. Personally, I don't see it as a necessity at this point in time.

Wait for DNA results.

Wait to see what ow is going to do with the "ball".

Be a team with your H. Work toward having a plan in mind as to what your course of action will be when/if ow pops back on the scene again. Be prepared for and expect the worst of scenarios, yet hope for the best.

While you're doing so, don't forget though--enjoy life--it is summer, afterall! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Work on your M. Work on you. Do good things for you. Love on your H. Love on your child.

Take good care,

~ad

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> NIOS

What do you meanOW has ball in her court? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm sorry I didn't get back to you yesterday...kinda left you hanging, eh? Apologies. I only meant (and this is just what I've gleaned from your posts) that it seems that your dh is kinda following her lead in whether or not you all get to see the baby. You mentioned that she might take off to Puerto Rico, too...so it seems like he's handed over the baby controls to her.

Luv,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you in a LE family? I am. It's a cold, hard, cruel world. OW is also a police officer so the entire dept knows about her and my H and OC. It's very difficult but at least I don't see them on a daily basis.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dh is a deputy. He'd taken a leave when his mom was ill to run her businesses for her (bars). The tart was a waitress at one of the bars. He tried to keep them afloat for about a year and a half, then decided to close them and go back to the force. So our tart isn't in LE. She is a $$ grubbing kooze, though.

(sorry about that - today is dh's b-day and I've just got this feeling that she's gonna call and screw with us)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Also Nisogirl, I like how you say that you love her as much as you do your own. I am looking forward to meeting OC and holding her. I just hope and I am fearful that once I do all those horrible feeling toward OW will come through and I will look at OC as a reminder. Did that ever happen to you? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not even a little bit. It did in the very beginning, but I needed help that I wasn't getting (ADs, therapy). I had no tools to fall back on so I wouldn't LB. Now, I get mad at the kooze every now and then - but it's usually because I TOTALLY QUESTION her mothering ability. Case in point, I'm holding mijo last week - the first day the kids were home. You guys know how it is. You can't help but kiss and nuzzle a 2 mo. old's cheek. Well, I'm kissing him and telling him he is so handsome, and ick! He smells funny. I don't mean shooey diaper funny - I mean earwax funny. I look in his ears and you know the folds in the ear itself? THEY ARE CAKED with dirt, dead skin and wax. Gross me freaking out. Poor baby. His cradle cap was SO bad and so thick and flakey on his foreheand and eyelids that flakes were coming off in his eyes. I gave him a bath right then - gently cleaned his little ears, gently scrubbed his forehead and scalp with babywash and a baby brush, dried him off, then put Curel on his forehead. By the time he went home the cradle cap was gone. Also, mija was DIRTY when we got her. Oy! Her shirt was SO filthy that washing it in the washer didn't get it clean. I've been trying to get the dirt out of the neck of the shirt every night (it's a cute outfit), but I think that the dirt had actually mildewed. Ug. I don't know how to get it out - it's a pink shirt, so I don't want to use bleach. And this was what she was dressed in to come to our house..................

Sorry. Venting. The kooze has also called ME to ask medical/baby raisin' questions. Um, I've got 3 kids, you've got 6 - do the math, hon. But I answer her because I don't want the babies to suffer. It's not that they'd suffer, tho. It's more a neglect thing, I think.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I want to meet this girl, but I am scared it is going to bring back awful memories of this is what happend between OW and H. I guess only tmie will tell.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">IME, it does get easier. And for me, I look at these kids and see children that NEED to be loved and held and played with - their needs are no different that the needs of the children from my body. These kids are GORGEOUS, and you know how you always say, "they get this from me, and that from you...." I attribute ALL of the genetics to my dh, and push thoughts of the kooze into a dark little corner where she belongs... (hehehe) Know what those kids get from ME? My love, my caring, my promise to keep them as safe as I can.

My stepfather adopted my sister and me when we were little. Neighbors didn't know that - and they'd say we had his eyes or smile...we'd just laugh and say, "Love rubs off." It's true. Love does rub off.

- Kimmy

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Love does rub off. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think that says it all, everyone is different of course. I have never from the 1st day I met my stepdaughter felt nothing but love for her. Yes it hurts that she is not mine & her mother is a db w/ no morals & I am starting to ? her parenting skills 2. The last 2 times I saw the poor child she was either under dressed in the winter, & now the majority of her hair has fallen out cuz her mother didn't take of it. It seems as if now she doesn't want the baby since she didn't get H in the process! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Oh & of course she is overwhelmed being a single parent of 3 now.

That makes me sad as well, babies r a gift from God no matter how they are conceived & should not be used as a pawn the way some of these OC's r.

That poor baby's hair. Is her scalp okay - meaning is it because of hygiene? I used to "do" hair....do you see her? Oy! I can't stand to see kids neglected....

Hugs! I'm sure it kills you to stand by and see that!

- Kimmy

Well of course she is not going to be a good mother. If you have children with a married man we already know that they do not have any morals. So we should not expect them to have anything else for that matter. They r only interested in what they want and that is your man!!

Lord please help these fools. Don't they know that if they do in fact get the OC and the man that they are going to be next. Because if he is not man enough to support and admit his mistakes and make his marriage work. Then what do they expect from him.. If he could not try to make his marriage work what does she think they are going to get. Nothing special I tell ya!! He'll turn around and do it to them too. Plus God don't like ugly!!


BBYG - you keep your head up and keep praying for your H to see the light - God will work out the rest. Even if that means that he has something else in store for you - I know that doulble blessings will come your way if only you believe in him!!

JT