Well, things continue to slowly get better. H is really trying to dothe right things and make me happy. However, I so sad today?

This weekend was our S's birthday. We had a great day and the party was so much fun. Sunday we just hung out and then went to see fireworks. During the day on Sun. he told me OW called, she wanted to know why he did not come to see OC Sat. He told her that we got home late. She got upset and said fine, just wanted to know if you were going to come over today because I have plans. So, H went over around noon.

At the fireworks he told me to remind him to show me something when we got home. I did and he surprised me with the movie Cold Mountain. He knew I wanted to see it and when he got our sons cake he bought it. I thought that was so sweet.

Yesterday we had friends over. I told H I could not wait to relax with him in the evening and watch Cold Mountain. After our friends left and he bathed the kids he asked if I minded him going to see OC. I said no but I really did becuase it was late and by the time he would get home my whole idea of realxing together would be shot. He asked me what was wrong so I told him that I was a little disappointed. He said that's fine, I will stay home with you, I know we were supposed to watch the movie together. It was really nice of him but I of course felt guilty.

We snuggled up on the sofa and watched the movie. Then around 9:30 his cell phone rang, it was OW. She left a msg. but he did not listen to it. After the movie I asked if I could hear it and he let me. Another good point for H.

However, inspite of all the nice stuff my H has done, I feel sad today and I can't shake it. Why is that? I was thinking that this is not the life I had in mind. That I deserve a M that is whole, not shared with OC and a meddling XOW. I has been a good M over the last few weeks and months before birth of OC. Why can't I just enjoy all the nice things he is doing and the love and attention he is giving me? Why can't I just enjoy the M I have and not want more or different?

BTW, someone told me Cold Mountain was a rally good movie that made her and H get turned on and very lovey with each other. It was a good movie but I was so depressed afterwards that it took me almost a half hour to fall asleep. My H said it depressed him too.

I'm so sorry you feel so sad. If you read my first posting I am the one who had the affair and is now pregnant with OM child.

Your posting made me cry because the reason you are sad is because your husband chose not to follow the rules that God has lovingly placed before us for our own good, as did I. When we don't do what we're supposed to do we hurt everyone around us and sometimes we can't make it any better. It's too late. I'm sorry that you have to suffer because of his mistake and very sorry that my family will have to suffer because of mine.

LOL! I was VERY depressed after watching Cold Mountain too! LOL

I think it was becuase it seems like the 2 characters are SOOOO in love & would do anything for each other, including surviving all these outrageous situations.......but yet, I felt like my H didn't love me like that because he cheated!

But I find that now adays MOST so called 'love stories' are jsut STUPID like that so I stay away from them. It's like trying to compare your life to a cheesy romance novel! duh!

We have to remind ourselves that it's FICTION for a reason.

H & I are big movie buffs so you can post next time you want to watch a movie & I can probably tell you if you should avoid it or not.

A REALLY depressing movie was 'House of Sand & Fog'. It is NOT about a HOUSE! LOL. Avoid that one @ all costs. AND it has infidelity in it...so definately not something you really need to be reminded of. But the acting was really great in it. ugh!

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Of course you are going to feel discontent. The life you are now living is NOT normal & should have never been. IT makes you feel like you should be happy to have the 'left-overs'.

Yes, as a Christian (I don't remember if you are one or not) but we are to be content where ever we are...but it is natural to be sad for this situation & be disappointed.

It wasn't in the fine print when we said our vows right? How can you expect something like this?

It will get better in time though, really.

It will be like a bittersweet taste in your mouth.

It's like milk chocolate compared tp semi-sweet chocolate. It's still chocolate. BTW I personally always thought semi-sweet chocolate was jsut a waste anyway. What's the point of it being chocolate if it's going to be semi-sweet? I always bake w/ the milk chocolate chips.
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I am so glad & happy for you that you had such a nice weekend w/ H.

Oh and another thing.......DON'T ever feel guilty for H being w/ you & not ow & oc. He is SUPPOSED to be w/ you AND you have nothing to feel guilty about. So put those thoughts right out of your pretty head.

Take care & God bless.

Why is it, you ask LMF? Cuz no matter how you slice it, he's still in contact w/ ow. Plain and simple, he just shouldn't be. It's not about you trying to be the "bigger" person, or whatever. It doesn't matter that the C isn't in secrecy any longer. It's still contact.

He can see his child, but it doesn't and shouldn't be at her home. If nothing is written up legally yet, and he feels he absolutely needs to see the child, and she will not bend, then you need to go with him on the visits. At the very least, there should be an intermediary to go along with him on every visit. Someone you trust.

IMO, the best solution, is if ow won't let him see the child alone, away from her home, and won't allow you along on the visits, then he should stop all contact with the OC. Get it settled in court first.

This may sound harsh, but right now, your H's main priority is to protect you, and to make you feel safe and NOT sad. The baby will not know the difference of a few months of NC.

~ad

Autumn, That may be true but I am not going to stop him from seeing his D while we wait this out. I think August put it in perspective for me, unless I took his message the wrong way.

We are moving along with regard to getting everthing legal, it's just a matter of time. I just need to wait it out. H's attorney also said not to stop seeing the baby right now. Getting me to be there is more headache than it's worth in my book.

KT, who is in the other movie you mentioned?

KT, I think you are correct when you say </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The life you are now living is NOT normal & should have never been. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I sometimes think that I can have that "normal" life if I move on but yet I don't want to. So, I guess if you don't do something then you should not complain about what you have. Right?

Yes, I am a Christian, which I think is one reason I have hung on for so long.

Robel - </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your posting made me cry because the reason you are sad is because your husband chose not to follow the rules that God has lovingly placed before us for our own good, as did I. When we don't do what we're supposed to do we hurt everyone around us and sometimes we can't make it any better. It's too late. I'm sorry that you have to suffer because of his mistake and very sorry that my family will have to suffer because of mine </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are right, it was a mistake and many people are suffering and will continue to suffer for the next 18-21 years. There are ways to make it right, you and your H just need to figure how to do that yourselves.

OW had ways to make this right for my H, me and most importantly my children. However, she choose to think only of herself. It's not fair that my children will no longer have a normal life because of my H and OW. I chose to say with my H and therefore I chose not to have a normal life. However, no matter what my decison would be (D or M) my children don't have a choice on making their lives normal. If we D, my children will still have to deal with OC and OW. It's not fair to them that their lives will be turned upside down and they have NO say in the matter.

I think your situation is different, especially if OM is not married. It's easier to make this child your and your H's if OM does not want to be in the picture. I also think it's easier to hide the fact that the child is someone else's when it's the wife who is preg and not the OW. I often wish it was me. I know that sounds stupid.

I wish the two of you the best of luck and hope you find a way to be happy and make this situation work for you.

LMF~

Ok, and I understand, really I do. However, I think you may be missing my point. You were wondering why, with all your H's assurances, and good things going on, you are still sad. Continued alone time with an OP for whatever reason, would be enough to drive any BS crazy. I know it would my H, no matter if my reasonings were "good" and "noble".

I'm not advocating you trying to stop your H from doing anything, but I do strongly encourage you follow POJA. This is something you both need to be enthusiastic about, and I just don't hear you being enthusiastic about visitation circumstances as they stand now, (as well you shouldn't be). Your H's wishes shouldn't be overlooked, but NEITHER should yours.

I honestly think there is a better way. One where he can see the child, but where you and the M are also protected.

Warmest regards,

~ad

Autumn,
Maybe you are right. I thought I was fine with the V. H and I talked about it, how long he will stay and how often he will go. I felt fine with it and he is not even going over as often as we agreed upon.

If we see the baby together, it will need to be right after work and I don't know if I can do that because I want to pick up my kids. I just can't seem to think of a better alternative until we tell our children and the attys. get more involved.

I am open for suggestions but I seem to have a problem with every suggestion. I don't want to be inconvenienced and all the other options seem to do that. So, I am sorry if I seem so difficult.

I do see a light at the end of the tunnel with this C.

Don't be silly, you're not being difficult at all. This is a tough one. I can only imagine what you must be going through. I was merely trying to point out what is probably the biggest source of your sadness at this point in time, and the fact that it can somewhat be avoided. I apologize for not being better at coming up with solutions.

Only you can decide for yourself, which is more important...convenience, or your peace of mind.

If it's absolutely not doable for you to go on the visits, I really, really think you need to have a 3rd party go with your H. Is there anyone you can think of? I'm trying to remember...is it you with the jerky FIL? If so, he should NOT be the 3rd party.

The most important thing though, is to talk to your H. Really talk to him. Not in a confrontational way, but in a way that says you want to work on this with him, but to also let him know what you need to feel safe.

I'm also worried that in the meantime, ow is getting the wrong message. The message that says she is still a part of his life and that she can do and say anything she wants because she is OC's mother. Well, he is the father, and as such, has rights, which include letting baby have contact with you. Remind me...is DNA even established yet?

~ad

LOL- Yes, it's my FIL that can be a big jerk.

I really can't think of anyone to go with H. He really does not have any close friends and his brother does not live cloese.

DNA still has not been done.

As for the message to OW, I think that is slowly becoming clear to her. He told her he would be over the see the baby on Sun. night but did not show up, to be with ME <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> He told her we were out late on Sat. He also told her that this set-up is not fair to me and that it will be changing. I liked that one the best. I think there have been a few more instances but I can't think of them right now.

I do think she is slowly seeing what his involvement really is. He has told her on several ocassions that he has a family and family obligations (i.e. building our deck, fixing up our house) that he needs to tend to and can't be there all the time. I know that had to get her goat.

I like that he told her the set-up isn't fair to you and will be changing. Good, very good!

When will you know the results of DNA? Not knowing paternity is all the more reason he shouldn't be visiting OC/ having contact w/ow. I'm all for parental bonding, the earlier the better and all that, but if paternity isn't established, he could be setting himself up for even more trouble. Not to mention the emotional attachments that are growing between him and baby.

Like I said to PAF earlier, He is NOT the father until DNA says so.

Do you have a friend that can go along with H on the visits?

Yeah, I thought it was you w/ the a$$ of a FIL. Sometimes it gets difficult to keep track of all the sitches around here! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Take care,

~ad