Hi LynnG and everyone else over here! I am momto3boys. My WH has been in his A since Jan...trying several times to end it with OW pursuing him over and over again and him going back to her.

WH finally ended it once and for all on June 25th having had absolutley NC for the past 10 days. I have his pager and his cell phone.

Well, after not hearing from WH for 10 days OW pages him 3 times on Sunday. He did not know about the pages. Now she tells someone to tell WH to call her it is very important. She is PG!

WH is very distraught now. He says "I AM NOT leaving you" to me. He says everything will be fine. I told him how can it be when she is PG..She has what she wants now.

We do not even know if it is true or not. This could be just a ploy. But I do need to protect myself and my three boys now. But how? What do I do?

What about when the baby is born? How do you have NC during pregnancy. It is not about the marriage anymore...I realize that. Please, any advice given will be appreciated.

Bumping this for Lynn. Anybody else, please jump in. PAF needs support right now.

~ Snow

What about when the baby is born? How do you have NC during pregnancy. It is not about the marriage anymore...I realize that. Please, any advice given will be appreciated.


I have only been here since yesterday, but I do know that it is all about the marriage. There is no reason to have contact during the pregnancy. In my life, the OW is pregnant and about 10 weeks ahead of myself and my H is still struggling with no contact (they work together). I know for myself that any contact is painful and the marriage cannot heal. There is no reason to have contact in my opinion. What does she need to tell your H that cannot be handled by the Dr. or a lawyer? If she is pregnant, have her get a paternity test to prove he is the father. Otherwise, have nothing to do with her. I pray she is just using it as a ploy. I would hate for you to have to deal with an OC.

First things first. Calm down, take a deep breath or two and exhale slowly.

1. Are you 100% certain that he is commited to the marriage? You need to look him square in the eye and ask him.

2. There is absolutely no reason whatsoever for any contact with ow by either of you while she is pregnant. You have no way of knowing if she is even pregnant or not, and no way of knowing if it his his or not. So don't fret about that at all.

3. DO NOT GIVE HER ONE RED CENT. She is not to get a penny from either of you. That could be considered a sign of acceptance.

4. Speak to a laywer about what is the best course of action to do. Kids at home? Get them set up with child support first, etc. Get as much off the table as you can to secure family finances.

5. You do not need to decide on contact or no contact just yet. However, prepare for the worst and hope for the best. I am one of the strongest advocate for no contact on this board. I do not believe me or my children should have had shoulder the mistakes made by them. No way was I going to allow my life to become a three ring circus with visitation, or embarrass my children with the oc. MY CHILDREN CAME FIRST AND FOREMOST IN MY MIND. I believe that everyone gets a piece of the hurt pie, oc too. DO NOT FALL FOR THE "it's best for the oc" arguments. Those are passive aggressive forms of manipulation. YOU have feelings and wishes that are not to be put on hold.

6. What do you want? Be totally and 100% honest with yourself. Do not think of what looks the best for you, what he may want. And certainly you do not have to give one ounce of thought as to what ow/oc might want or need. THEY DO NOT COUNT. Think about what you want. Then go from there. Do not be pushed into accepting things if your heart is not in it. My heart told me from the get go that oc would never be welcome in my home, or near my children. We both agreed and have paid child support and have stuck to no contact. It is one hell of a lot easier on everyone. No matter what YOU decide, you need legal advice.

7. Get advice and as much education on this topic as you can. Be your own advocate. Things like 50%. MEAN 50%. So if the child is his, and the birth costs $10,000 you and your insurance company are only liable for $5,000 of it. The ow is 50% responsible for the expenses.

Most importantly, this was a speed bump in your life. You can and will get past it. If handled the way YOU TWO want, your life will be fine. You will love and laugh again. You will have family holidays, birthdays, etc. Life will happen. Choose how you want it and go from there.

We are 1.5 years away from being done with child support. We are fine. You will be too. I can honsetly tell you that the ow/oc do not even register with me. They don't matter at all.

So, take a few days, let the emotions out then get moving. Do not let the tail wag the dog. Get educated and do everything legally possible to protect your family finances and life.

Oh, and from me: I believe that contact with the oc is asking to much of the spouse and children of the marriage. The oc and it's needs will never supercede the needs and wishes of your children.

If the child is his, my advice is to get good strong legal protection, pay the child support and move on and away from ow/oc. It is much better for you and your family, and that is all you need to worry about. ow/oc can take their piece of the hurt pie and move on too.

Did your H ever want to be a part of the OC life? I am assuming your OC is older now? 16 or so? This is all so NEW to us and we are still in shock over it. H doesn't know if he wants to be a part of the baby's life or not. I know him and I know that his emotions may get the best of him...knowing HIS baby is out there and he wont see it.

here is what we have talked about...just paying child support...getting full custody of child and us raising it...moving away...

I spoke to a lawyer yesterday in which case she says OW ONLY gets a % of H net income after our 3 boys are considered in. That is all she is entitled to...and WH does not even have to write the check. His office manager can do that for him.

Just when things were dying down, this happens. So many questions...I am sure I will be bugging you much on this Lynn...I hope you dont mind. Thank youso much for your reply...I also have a thread over in GQII

Just know that you will survive and live a happy life ok?

We learned of oc when ow was pregnant (he 16 last fall). H told me and I was just where you are now. Angry. Hurt. Confused. Scared. Shocked. I did what many BW do. I ran to the laywer, demanding the quickest divorce in history. He was deeply upset, ashamed, scared, shocked too. He wanted ow to get an abortion. She choose to keep it.

We talked about it and decided that we were going to have nothing to do with the child. That decision was made with the advice of some wise people who had been there/done that. Nobody had a good outcome with contact. They told of how their children were embarrassed and ashamed at having this child in their home. I was not going to make my children pay for their fathers sins. They were not going to have their lives turned upside down by the comings and goings of the oc. I was told of how embarrassing it was for one families children having to explain who that child was to their friends.

She gets child support and insurance and that is that. We have protected our assets from oc also. Clearly stating in our will that oc is to get $1.00, that we did not forget oc, so he can't sue our estate. We have had to fight her on occaision in the early years. We had to get retraining orders to protect us, our children and my inlaws from her harrassment. She tried every typical ow game in the book. She sent photos to my inlaws, who were livid. They too wanted nothing to do with oc either. She tried it all and ended up losing quite a bit in the process. As time went by, she would go for a few years without harrassing us. Time also healed us and when she would come out of the shadows, she was like a gnat. Just annoying.

You say your husband will be sad to have a child out there. What he hasn't realized yet is what price he is expecting you and your children to pay. He made a choice and now lots of people are in the line of fire. I stand firm on this. The oc feelings and well being do not supercede yours or your childrens. The point is, he has to see what this will do to YOU. If he wants his marriage it has to be a joint decision.

We actually even forget about oc. He lives his life, we live ours. Some OW will say "what will you do when oc comes and asks..." Well, the answer is the simple, plain truth.

"you were the product of an affair....... and we chose to put all of that behind us and live our lives"

That is not a lie, it is the truth.

You just be strong and look out for yourself. But above all, be honest to yourself about what you want and expect.

We will be here to catch you when you fall.

Hi Lynn and everyone else! thanks for your replies..Have you read my other thread?

Well, it seems now that OW is going to see about not having the baby...isn't that just soooo convenient. All the sudden she doesn't want this baby...maybe a baby that doesn't even exist! WH is still convinced she is pg...I told him that after she terminates the pg then take her out to lunch and hand her the pg test and say "here, now go pee on this and I want to see if you are pg"..she is really working hard..already giving him the guilt trip over it!

here is what we have talked about...just paying child support...getting full custody of child and us raising it...moving away...

Realistically, you WILL NOT get custody. SO put that thought out of your mind. OW would have to be proven an 'unfit' mother, which is very hard to do, there would have to be abuse and/or drugs involved. AND even if you had custody, OC would still have vistitation w/ OW.

I vote for MOVING AWAY. I am w/ Lynng on NC. Everything that she was warned could happen....does. We have C w/ OC & have been warned & encouraged to just give it up. It probably would be best but....we have had C w/ OC for 2 years now so it is not that easy. It put's an EXTREME strain on your marriage & I don't believe it can fully heal if there is C w/ OC.

I spoke to a lawyer yesterday in which case she says OW ONLY gets a % of H net income after our 3 boys are considered in. That is all she is entitled to...and WH does not even have to write the check. His office manager can do that for him.

Always get a 2nd opinion. Some states (ours, CA) do not automatically figure in your children. We have had to literally FIGHT for any financial credit for our children AND our 3 children have ALWAYS been calculated (financially) as being entitled to LESS than 1 OC. The CS obligation has ALWAYS been MORe than the credit for our children even though we even have MORE.
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OC is NOT your responsibility. You did NOT create this situation. Your FIRST responsibility is to your kids, NO ONE else will look out for them or consider them. What is BEST for them is ALL that should matter to you. OW will take care of her own & will be responsible for what is best for OC, NOT you.

What is best for your kids is to have a stable, intact home so you fight & do whatever you need to do to make sure they get that. Let that mama bear instinct come out & protect your cubs.
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That is one of the things that has taken me a looooooong time to realize. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE for this MESS! H & OW created it & I have no responsiblity to OC. Sorry but those are the facts. I have to do what is best for the responsibilities I do have which is my own kids. I am NOT to blame for this, nor will I ever be. Some day OC will have questions & BC too but I will not have to be the one to explain it. H & OW will have to. I will look like a 'remarkable', 'strong', 'forgiving' woman <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> and whatever else people like to think but I sure as heck will NOT be RESPONSIBLE for this.

It's time for H & OW to clean up after themselves. I am here for H and love him dearly but......I'm done taking responsiblity to 'do the right thing' when it's really up to those people who created this.

AND the right thing to do is..(IMO)..to repair the damage that you have done. H does that by paying CS & committing to his marraige to make his home a stable and safe place for his kids of the marraige. OW does that by sucking it up & accepting that she will be a single mom & OC will have no dad around. They CHOSE that when they chose to get involved. They are adults & knew the risks so here you are. YOU CANNOT HAVE IT BOTH WAYS! I don't care what any one else says!

I know it's hard. This is a wait and see kind of sitch. I hope she isn't pg for your sake. Our OW did the EXACT same thing....oy vey! Then she waited till after she was 18 weeks to check into termination (like she didn't know that was the cutoff). I hate that other people are going thru this!

Hugs!

- Kimmy