Get it? Flotsom and jetsom....oy.....I spend WAY too much time at the beach....

Okay. Continuing with the weekend stories.

Must insert this disclaimer: Knowing that it might be a little "tense" for some in my family to see me with my dh's progeny from the A, I called both my mother and my aunt to get their thumbs up about bringing her. My mother's because I was planning on staying on the island so that I didn't have to fight ferry lines coming and going. My aunt's because she is the mother of the groom and has a good head about these situations and would let me know truly how they feel. They were both pleased that I was making this huge (for me) step - both had been bugging me about seeing her because it'd been a long time since they've seen her. Unfortunatly, neither of them understood the depth of one of my family's ill will about this issue.

I must say all in all, the wedding was lovely and it was FUN! I got to see family that I've not seen in ages. We schmoozed and partied on the beach - it was awesome! So that part of it was grand and so worth the hassle.

But. Oy vey. My dad. Bad juju. I can't find the words to describe it....my tum just gets knotted up thinking about him. Okay. He'd made overtures about us not visiting enough and noises like it'd be okay if I had mija sometimes. Apparently he was sadly mistaken in how much of this he thought he could take. Lessee....mija is only a year and a half. She's just a little guy, you know? She was frightened of all the dogs they have (3 - 2 are larger dogs - all are sweet as pie, tho - she's just not been exposed that much), so every time a dog passed thru, she'd come to me and say, "mommy, mommy, mommy..." I don't think my dad liked that...then, at the wedding, she'd said, "Grandpa, look...." I dunno what she was wanting him for, but he IGNORED her and turned and walked away. I tried to tell myself he didn't hear her. At leaving time, a lot of the younger people (read all the cousins of which, I'm one of them!) were going to stay on the beach and chat and stuff. Mom says to come help get the kids to bed, then she'd listen for them if they needed anything and I could come back. Cool. I get the kids back and bathed and off to bed, and my dad says, "What about "her"' Gave me all the insight I needed regarding his acceptance if I hadn't figured it out before. I told my mom to nevermind I'd stay with the kids. I SO should've known better. So my dad's doing his pacing through the house that he does when he's poed or agitated about something. He's on the porch, he's pacing. I'm freaking rolling my eyes at the whole sitch and just wishing I'd decided to go home right then. My 15 yo cousin comes by with her friend and we sit at the dinner table and have cake and giggle and talk and have a nice chat. My dad comes in, gets cake and sits down with us. He starts in on Danielle (cousin) about something she'd said - totally accosting her on her POV (point of view), but not really tempering it so it does sound snotty. He leaves the table and says something about going to bed, and I say "Night G'pa..." Now all my kids call him Granpa, and so I've gotten in the habit just because when he's in the room and I'm talking to them it's easier to refer to him as that. OMG! He TOTALLY snapped at me, "I'M NOT YOUR GRANPA, KIM!!!!" Danielle and Amber even were a little flabbergasted.......Then Danielle and Amber leave and he snaps at me, "Kim, I need to see you on the porch right now!" OMG! Could my life get anymore tense than that moment? First thing he says, "I was JUST in there at the table and 4 people were sitting there, but I was the only adult." Um, hello, what? Because I was sitting and giggling and having a good time with a lovely girl that I haven't seen in 9 years and am so happy she's turned into such a wonderful person????? My teeth started grinding. I couldn't help it. I was pissed. Then he tells me, "You need to tell me what's going on in your life right now!!!!!!!" Okay. I asked him why he was accosting me like this, and never got an answer past, "I have feelings too, and I need to know...especially if you are going to bring Nio's mistakes over here and I have to deal with them." (insert like, this whoosh of air from having just felt like I was punched in the stomach) All through this, he's said he's there for me, he's there for the kids, and he KNEW that I have the other kids in my life....WTF? I so misjudged him - and apologized for it. Told him I made a mistake in bringing mija - I'd cleared it with mom, but obviously cleared it with the wrong person and apologized again. Then he asked again what I was doing. So I told him that I'm the happiest I've been in a year and a half and I will be g*damned if ANYONE is going to take it from me again." I told him, not you, not Nio, not the kids or mom - NO ONE IS GOING TO UPSET MY HAPPINESS AGAIN. And I said it thru clenched teeth. I was/am so pissed about it.

So that was the end of it beyond him asking again in the morning what I was doing. I asked him why, and he gave me the feelings/learning what he could deal with schpiel - which I can understand - it's just his aggressive way to get the info bugs the sh*t out of me and pisses me the hell off. So I layed it out, "This is what I'm doing: I'm married to Nio, WE'RE going to get our sh*t together and try for custody of the kids, please let me know what you can or can't deal with so I can keep MY FAMILY away and protect them from this if I have to." Left it at that.

I hate telling my dad off. But sometimes he can be such a horse's a$$. It's not like I don't comprehend the hardness of this for them - but really, I do think I get the worst of all of it from every-freaking-body. I'm the one in the middle..........sheesh. Not trying to defend dh or anything, and I know this is MY part of the bed, but I seriously don't have to come around where MY KIDS aren't wanted. And they are mine - I don't know if they always will be, but for right now, they're mine, and God asked me to take care of them and protect them...by gum NO ONE is gonna hurt their little feelings!

And the worst? I can't tell dh because he won't want me to go over there with the young'uns - not even to my Aunt's - who totally doesn't have a problem with children. I also don't want him to feel yucky about my mom, who is trying her best to include him and us on everything no matter what - and that might happen just because my dad is in such close proximity to my mum (lol). So I'm on damage control....ick! Blech! Hate this!

- Kimmy

Kimmy - In my opinion you are doing the right thing including the OC in your family. And as long as you can handle it and are happy, then don't let what your family says bother you. Remember, you are your daddy's little girl. He knows that you have been hurt by all this and his first instinct is to protect you. Maybe he feels the OC will be that constant reminder. Maybe it is a constant reminder to him the hurt you suffered. You would never want your children to hurt like that, and you would want to protect them too. Keep showing him the love you have for these kids. I believe he will come around. Maybe remind him that the kids are innocent people in all this too and that they don't deserve anymore pain in their lives.

Its all about attitude - and you have got a good one. It will rub off on the rest. Look what you have done for all of us.

Well I am sorry that the young child was rebuffed by your father. That was mean.

HOWEVER having an oc around IS NOT NORMAL. It is awkward for others and it is a huge reminder to all what has happened and they don't know what to say to you. Some will just ignore it and pretend all is ok. Others (like your dad) are angry and embarrassed by the whole thing. Since this is such an abnormal situation, understand that any reaction, good, bad or indifferent is, well, normal. OC around can and do make people very uncomfortable. To them it is a reminder of the affair and he is probably worried about you. ;Your poor mother. Trying to be peace maker. Imagine that conversation. She knows exactly how her husband feels about oc. But she loves you. So she tries to be accepting. Imagine the impact this is having on their marriage?

Your father is probably beside himself with anger at Nio for what he has done, and the pain it has put you through. In his own way, he is being protective of you. Right now your father sees the oc as an emarrassment, he is ashamed of the whole situation. That does not make him wrong, that is how he feels. He is probably wondering what your life is like, wondering if you are safe, loved, secure. Him seeing his daughter with her husbands love child probably is a knife in his back. Would you want that for your child? Hell no. That is why he is angry and lashing out.

I think you need to speak to your father about this withoug family around. Just the two of you. Expecially no oc around. Your father is deeply concerned about you and your welfare. Remember that. Just as you are concerned for oc, your father is double so over you. He probably does not dislike the oc at all, his actions towards oc, were more directed to you. To bad the oc was in the line of fire. But, if you are having oc in your life, you need to clear this up as soon as possible. 1.5 years old will not understand the rebuff, in a few years, it will be damaging to the child.

Don't let your relationship with your father fall victim to the affair, oc, etc. This is an example of how Nio's affair and the hurt it has caused is far more then realized. Your dad is hurting and upset for you. He is probably wondering why you are doing what you are doing. Has Nio ever thought of the pain his affair and resultant oc has caused your parents? Has he ever sat down an apologized to them for the destruction to their family?

Think about your dad, blustering or not, he is your dad. The life you are living, with oc around is not what he hoped for you. He wanted you to be safe, and secure. He wanted the best for you, as we all do. Don't let your relationship with your father be another notch on the affair belt.

The ripple effect is much larger then anyone thinks about. Nice mess two people created, and expect everyone else to clean up.

I know Lynn and Kris. I know the "whys" of my dad's inquisition - it was the "hows" of it that got under my skin. I TOTALLY understand HIS hurt in this....BUT (this is MY disclaimer): I've had enough of personally paying for all of this mess. I will not allow ANYONE - not Nio, not my parents, not my kids, ANYONE to be in charge of my happiness again....and that includes people who attempt to foist their own issues/views regarding MY decisions on me. It is unacceptable for/to me to wallow in the pain one minute more!

That is not to say I don't care for his feelings - or those of my family...I do care. I'm sorry for them. I'm sorry it happened. But I WILL NOT take it upon myself to assauge their hurt at the expense of my happiness.

You have to understand - I also realized because of this weekend that it wasn't totally the baby that he had issues with. It was the fact that I was having fun - WITH HER THERE. Like, I've not paid enough toll yet for my decisions, and I should be martyred and meek for who knows how long.

Sorry 'bout your bad luck (said to anyone who would try), but this chica is NOT a martyr....I will be happy! I will NOT curl up and die from this, and I will LIVE!

You're right, Lynn - my poor mom. I deliberatly didn't share any of this with her....she doesn't need to be running recon betwixt us - anymore than I need to be running recon between Nio and them.

You're also right ON about that ripple effect. That's EXACTLY how I view this - it started as a drop in the water between Nio and VD (those are her initials, really and truly - lmao), then grew into a tsunami that could've destroyed EVERYTHING.

- Kimmy

OH, and I am fully aware of how "not normal" this is. I'm not saying I don't care, because in a small way I do - but no matter what it wouldn't have been "normal" ever again. I can either dwell on the un-normalcy (dis-normalcy?) and let the sadness eat me up or I can make the best life I can for my kids, my husband, and me. The choice was and always will be MINE!

Kimmy,

You have to know and beleive that what you are doing about your family is right for you. I know that it will be difficult sometimes to handle others reactions about it, but please don't shut them out. They are entitled to have their own feelings about the issue too! I agree with LynnG about your father and wish the two of you could get to some happy medium about it. Talking to him and talking through it is the key. And has NIO ever appologized to them? That might be what your father needs to get past some of the anger and frustrations. Don't forget he handed Nio his precious cargo to take care of and he dropped it. So it is not going to be easy for him to deal with and even be reminded of when seeing Mija or Mijo.

I know you deserve to HAPPY and really that's all they want for you but not at any expense.
It is your life to chose what you will with it, but me being an avid fan of NO CONTACT can understand your father's situation.

I am here for you girl, so BREATHE and BREATHE DEEPLY as a friend once told me (YOU)!!

you might have to take BABY STEPS with your father.

JT

<small>[ July 08, 2004, 11:20 AM: Message edited by: JT2 ]</small>

I know JT. The tack I'm going to take with this now is that I've told papa what I'm doing - and now HE's got to figure out for himself how much he can take. Just like I had to do. I feel bad for him, I really do. If it were my daughter, I'm sure I'd have wanted to chum the waters with her dh (ie: fish bait). I pray that God will lay His hand over my dad's heart and begin to heal it....I'm so ready for everyone to be on my path...the path of healing.

- Kimmy

WOW!!!!!! I have never read your posts before and I so wish I had. My family is in similar position. My mom and my brothers still do not accept the two oc as mine. One of my brothers does exactly as your dad and just looks at them with disdain. He ignores them too. No one has ever said anything downright nasty to or about the kids, but now that hubby and I have baby of our own my brother introduces his kids to "their only cousin". They really fluff up our baby and I know the kids are aware of the differences. It is so unfair. We have (thank God) no contact at all from their mother (ow), and we have had the kids for over two years. They don't know that I am not their biological mommy and I think I'm gonna have to tell them soon. That is mainly because my mom tells my six month old to call her grandma but the kids are told to call her Karen, etc. They make differences. It is so unfair to treat the innocent victims as the disease. And I totally agree that it is my decision and I must do whatever it takes to protect my kids even if that means staying away from my mom. I have asserted to little avail. I have NO support from a husband who is still behaving in affair after affair. But I love my kids and want the best. Anyway, I just wanted to say hello since we have similar sits... Hang in there! You are obviously doing amazing!!! God bless!

Well, that'll teach you Aimee to skip my posts! LOL! Oy! Sorry about your family.

Your dh being military doesn't help you guys gettin on, I'm sure! That's a hard sitch, I know. My dh was military when we met so I understand that mentality.

Your poor kids....I agree with you - protect them. As adults, we have the tools to cope with rejection (mostly anyway), little guys don't.

Hugs to you!

- Kimmy

Kimmie,

I hope your father has a change of heart soon. I need your happiness pill. I had an anxiety attack at Walmart last night I think. I got nauseated and then was fine.

Ammie,

My heart goes out to you. Protect your babies at all costs (((((((((Ammie}}}}}}}}}}

Oh Genia. I'm so sorry. After d-day #2, I'd get those so bad.....oy! Please talk to another doc...you don't HAVE to suffer with these!

- Kimmy