My story is quite similar to the rest. My husband and I have had an on/off relationship for 13 years before getting married 1 and 1/2 years ago. He has two children from a previous relationship. I have adjusted to them and their mother and let me tell you it was not easy. Their mother is a handfull. We have a 5 year old child together and I am now 6 months pregnant and found out a little over a month ago that the OW my husband was having an affair with is also pregnant. She is two months behind me. My husband blaims me for him having this affair. He says I was not showing him enough affection and not giving him enough sex. As with my first child I was very ill in the beginning of this pregnancy and spent most of my time sleeping or throwing up. I had no interest in sex at that time and he says he understands now, after having the affair, why I was not interested in sex. This revelation came about after I did some research on the internet and brought home some articles on the subject. He does not deny this child is his and feels he has done nothing wrong. I am not sure how to deal with this or even if I can. I have read Dr. Harley's Q&A columns on recovering from infidelity. Everthing he says about surviving an affair is based on dissolving all contact with the OW. What if contact with the OW can not be resolved because of situations like these. There are no Q&A's on women who have to deal with an OW and OC for the duration of their marraige. Obviously dissolving all contact with OW is not possible if it turns out that the child is his. I wanted to post a question that would be posted in one of the Q&A columns but I don't see a way to do it. Does anyone know how to do that? This OC will be a constant reminder of my husbans affair. This also means that this OW will always be in my life along with the mother of the two previous children who by the way is still trying to break me and my husband up and chance she gets.

I hate drama!!!

Yuck huh? First, why do you think you need contact with the ow to have contact with the oc?

If the oc is his, you can have as much or as little contact as you and your husband decide. Even with contact, you don't ever have to see or speak to ow. A third party can be set up for dropoffs and pickups. I am aware of one couple who see oc, but they have it set up with a day care facility. They go there to see oc. They do not speak with ow at all. Anything pertinent is done through their attorney or the nursery school. There is no need to talk to ow at all.

Have you thought of counseling? Read this whole site and maybe even call the Harleys. They are the best at this kind of stuff.

Read here. Go back and read. Take notes and keep a journal.

But don't fret about ow at all. If she is pregnant, there is no reason at all for any contact. None. Nada. Zilch. Once oc is born, a DNA test is done and go from there. Do not dignify her pregnancy at all. She isn't worth it. She is none of your concern so don't waste time thinking about her.

Is your husband paying cs on the children from his first marriage? You need to get some lined up for you and your children too. You can speak to an attorney about a legal separation to protect family finances from leaving your family. OW gets a portion of whats left.

My advice is to read here, read everything. Speak to an attorney and find out what you can do, etc. Then wait. Remember, there is no reason for ow to call for anything. Until DNA proves oc is his, you are not responsible for a thing. You would be surprised how many women try to pin a pregnancy on one man, only to have a DNA done, and guess what? Different man. Hardly a surprise, considering the type of women these are.

So read around. There are some great messages written by a woman named Catnip. Use the search and look her up. She had a wonderfull, witty insight to all of this. If you can't find her member number, look up my old posts and she was on lot of them.

For one, if I had things my way he would not talk to her AT ALL. If he wants to be a part of the childs life then I don't see how contact with her can be avoided unless H goes through courts for visitation rights. I would rather not have any contact with either the OW or the OC but I have a feeling that H won't be okay with that. I have considered counseling and would like to do it but finances do not allow that.

CS on other children is pending.

You don't want contact with oc.

You THINK your husband does.

You need to find out what he does want, not what you think he wants. Then you need to tell him what YOU want. That is your starting point.

I knew early on that no way was oc going to be in my home, or near my family, etc. This was not a knee jerk reaction. It was thought out and discussed with others and decided upon. To much drama and crap.

One thing is for certain, if you are forced into contact, you will regret it, regret the marriage and you will have problems. The main one being that your NEED to not see oc is not being met. Same with your husband. If he chooses no contact as a way to stay with you, but he wanted it, you will have the same problem. Resentment.

For no contact to work is when BOTH spouses are in agreement. My husband decided that me and our life and children were his priority, he had caused enough pain and was not going to add to it. He thought about it and came to the same conclusion. We did not want our children to suffer cause of his mistake. So we have had no contact with oc. But it was mutually decided upon.

I hope you are reading here and getting some help.

My main concern is the child. I feel like I don't want to see the oc because it is a constant reminder but on the other hand is that fair to the child that did not ask to be here. It's mother and father made stupid decisions that the child may have to suffer for in the long run. The OW is not going to tuck in her tail and run. She is already demanding that H "takes care of his responsibility" over there. I am really hoping that this kid is not his but for some reason I think it is.

What I think I may do is allow contact but on my terms. I don't EVER want to have to deal with this woman. I don't know who a liason would be though. I don't know. Maybe he will agree to no contact and hopefully she will move on. She called my H two days ago and just hearing her voice on his voicemail triggered major emotions. I am affraid this will happen every time I have to hear her voice or see her. I have since changed his phone number and I may have to change my house number also. If she finds out where we live and shows up at my door I will call the police on her. I hate feeling so angree.

I feel like you unfortunatly this Child did not ask to come here, it was my duma--- h and dumba--- MOW. Now we ALL ahve to pay teh consequences. My H wants contact with OC and I can not stop that But I TOLD HIM its on my terms. He will not see this child by himself Not going to happen. Right now his aunt and mom are making contact with OW. We had our # changed so OW cannnot call us. SHe had her # changed as well, probally so I could not call her (but Really i dont want to). So right now I am inthe same situation you are in. Its not easy, I have not even seen this child yet. My h has not taken a paternity test yet, but we plan on it, but my h know his children and he is 99% sure that OC is his. Right now OW is staying away I think she is trying to leave the country to go find her h taht left her. Part of me says that would be the greatest thing taht ever happened, but part of me knows that my h would be hurt to not see his C at all. I am soo confused.

I feel like you unfortunatly this Child did not ask to come here, it was my duma--- h and dumba--- MOW. Now we ALL ahve to pay teh consequences. My H wants contact with OC and I can not stop that But I TOLD HIM its on my terms. He will not see this child by himself Not going to happen. Right now his aunt and mom are making contact with OW. We had our # changed so OW cannnot call us. SHe had her # changed as well, probally so I could not call her (but Really i dont want to). So right now I am inthe same situation you are in. Its not easy, I have not even seen this child yet. My h has not taken a paternity test yet, but we plan on it, but my h know his children and he is 99% sure that OC is his. Right now OW is staying away I think she is trying to leave the country to go find her h taht left her. Part of me says that would be the greatest thing taht ever happened, but part of me knows that my h would be hurt to not see his C at all. I am soo confused.

I feel like you unfortunatly this Child did not ask to come here, it was my duma--- h and dumba--- MOW. Now we ALL ahve to pay teh consequences. My H wants contact with OC and I can not stop that But I TOLD HIM its on my terms. He will not see this child by himself Not going to happen. Right now his aunt and mom are making contact with OW. We had our # changed so OW cannnot call us. SHe had her # changed as well, probally so I could not call her (but Really i dont want to). So right now I am inthe same situation you are in. Its not easy, I have not even seen this child yet. My h has not taken a paternity test yet, but we plan on it, but my h know his children and he is 99% sure that OC is his. Right now OW is staying away I think she is trying to leave the country to go find her h taht left her. Part of me says that would be the greatest thing taht ever happened, but part of me knows that my h would be hurt to not see his C at all. I am soo confused.

notsure/lonely
CS is very difficult for all of us. You want to do the right thing for the child, but you are the one who gets hurt when oc is around. H told me today that he does think that I want oc around, but that is not altogether true. oc is 2.5 years old and h has been going back and forth to court when ow violates the court order, but she keeps going it. ow knows that if she keeps h away from child all she has to do is go for more cs and he will pursue visituation again. Yes, oc is a remainder of h cheating, it is a even bigger kick in the head when ow thinks she can call H anytime she wants for stupid things. If I had my way I would vote for nc until marriage is restored. But I think we as BS don't want to lose spouse over being honest and telling H that we just pretained to be the perfect, accepting wife when we are building up resentment for our H in our hearts. talk to your h about how you really feel and pray for god to give you our answer.

I am now 6 months pregnant and found out a little over a month ago that the OW my husband was having an affair with is also pregnant. She is two months behind me.

Wow, I am just the opposite. I am 2 months behind the ow. I just found out Saturday that she is about 16 weeks. At first, I felt that my H had the right to see his child, but it really hurt to think the ow and oc would be in my life forever. I ended up telling H the truth. I would rather walk away than him have any contact with either the ow or oc. It hit him hard to have to make such a decision, but he put himself in the situation in the first place and I refused to sit back and let her anywhere near my children or myself. He told me he'd tell her he'd have no contact and I know it hurt him bad to say that out loud.

One thing that I suggested to him is to get a fireproof box with a lock (to keep me out - I have issues with trust). Whenever he wanted to talk to his child, he could write a letter and put it into the box. When contact is finally made, whether we do it together down the line or the oc contacts us, he has the letters. Mostly to let the child know that they were always thought about and loved from afar. I told my H that when the time comes, we will tell our children the truth and if the OC contacts us, they will be told the truth as well.

I know it hurts my H to have to choose, but he could have made a better choice a few months ago and didn't. Now he has to live with his decision and the OW has to raise the child alone. I am so sorry you are in this situation. I never imagined I would be facing this horrible decision.

I am in agreement with you Jbouton. I feel angry towards my H but also towards the OW. I want her to raise this child BY HERSELF. She did not think about the possible consiquences when she decided to open her legs to a married man. Let her suffer is what I say. Visitation with OC will be on my terms also and when he picks up the child it will not be without me. We have established a cozy and civilized extended family and I refuse to have to deal with another woman for the rest of my life. If we are going to deal with this OC then it will have to be through visitation rights established after paternity. I am not going to take care of two babies either. I may suggest holding off contact with OC for about a year or two. I should not have to suffer any more than I am because of H and OW.

The hardest part about all of this is the way my H is acting. He thinks that this is something I should be over by now. It has only been about 5 weeks since I found out about this OW. He gets mad when I bring it up and if we have an argument he says that HE is sick of going through this ****. Can you believe that. Sometimes he shows some concern for my feeling but not that often. What about me. My decision here has been stripped away. I choose to be with him knowing he has other children. I did not choose this one. I was supposed to be the last. I can't shake the feeling that he would not have done this if he really loved me. If he REALLY loved me wouldn't he bend over backward to try to ease my pain and not get so mad all of the time when I bring it up. We have yet to talk about what is going to happen with OC gets here because he gets mad every time I bring it up.

Will child support enforcement make him divulge where we live and our phone number to her? I don't want any contact with her. I am also mad about that. Since we are married I can not get any child support money from him. The previous mother is in the process of suing him and then the OC will sue him. All of his funds are going into women who are not me. I need some of his money to stay in this household and I can see it all going to these OW's. That is so unfair. What about me and our children. I harbor resentment for that reason also.

not sure,
no one can put a time on when you will be over this. oc in my life is 2.5 and I still have my bad days dealing with it and husband always says it has been over two years you should be over this. As far as cs, in the state that I live in if ow goes first you are screwed. ow is getting $1,100.00 and if I leave my h and file for cs I will get what is left over, so if you're going to do it do it before ow does.

not sure, why would oc sue for money? I'm confused on that one. Ow has every right to file for cs, but how and why would oc sue after ow does? I have never heard of that before. And yes it's unfair but he was a part of that too. Your children and the oc are the ones paying for the two adults that create the mess in the first place. It's very unfair.